Welcome back to Viewing Notes for Episode 3 of The Bachelor, where the storylines are made up and the dates don’t matter.
~ We start off with Hannah Ann and Kelsey crying in the backyard. Neither of them have gotten over the champagne supernova that happened TWO DAYS AGO.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE (Victoria P.)
~ They’re off to buy cowboy boots at a store that has about 8970 pairs of boots on the wall and no customers.
~ Inventory is going to tank this business.
~ Peter is teaching Victoria P. how to line dance, right there in the store, because he likes to line dance with his friends.
~ Naturally, they leave with cowboy hats and attend a concert at a country bar.
~ Bach Stat: 93% of the people who watch The Bachelor own a pair of cowboy boots.
~ Peter is from LA, so he’s very country.
~ Back at the house, Kelsey and Hannah Ann are sitting down to talk about the champagne shower which was an accident, even though it was planned by production.
~ DID HANNAH ANN JUST CALL THE CHAMPAGNE INCIDENT A “FINASCO”?
~ I don’t drink, but I must be drink. I thought she said, FINASCO instead of FIASCO.
~ Kelsey admits she doesn’t even like champagne. SO WHY ARE YOU MAD?
~ Send them home.
~ Hannah Ann is crying, saying she would never steal champagne.
~ Peter and Lauren P. are now having a candlelit dinner at a small table in an airplane hangar.
~ This show is a game of Clue. Confirmed.
~ They have a pretty emotional chat, but I can’t hear or understand half of it. I’m just trying to get a look at what food is going cold this time.
~ Victoria P. is getting a rose.
~ Back at the house, Sydney tells us that something is off about Alayah.
~ I’m happy Sydney is getting more screen time. Must mean she doesn’t go home tonight.
GROUP DATE (Kiarra, Sarah, Tammy, Kelley, Shiann, Savannah, Sydney, Alayah)
~ This date features two of my three remaining favourites: Sarah and Sydney.
~ It’s the next morning and DEMI has returned with a megaphone, pillow, and two henchwomen named, Killer and Champain.
~ I’m pretty sure I made a “champainful” pun in my last post. No surprise Demi used the same one.
~ Demi has planned a date for the women and brought them bags of lingerie.
~ Kiarra just called them LINGERY. Not lingerie. But LINGERY.
~ Finasco AND Lingery in the same night? We are not worthy.
~ Peter takes the girls to a saloon, where there is a small wrestling ring set up for them to have a pillow fight.
~ Demi’s Extreme Pillow Fight Club.
~ Thank you, Demi, for giving me a wrestling date so I can hit my wrestling reference quota for the week.
~ Chris Harrison and Fred Willard are there to provide commentary. It’s about time Chris earns his paycheque this season.
~ There are people in the crowd holding up signs, but the words are on pillows. This is like a sports video game from 2002, where every other fan has a sign that says, “Hi Mom!”
~ Tammy The Terminator vs. Kelley The Prosecutie is up first. I did not come up with these names.
~ If Kelley’s finishing move isn’t called The Prosecutter, this will be a waste of time.
~ Kelley is nervous because “who wants to see their attorney dressed in lingerie on a TV show?” Right, because being on The Bachelor isn’t embarrassing.
~ This date is setting women’s wrestling back a few years.
~ This is straight out of an episode of SmackDown from 2005. Are we going to have Amy Weber vs. Joy Giovanni in the next match? (No one will understand this reference)
~ I feel like pillows with feathers would do the least amount of damage in a pillow fight. Unless your opponent is allergic. Then that’s a three-month long feud.
~ Sydney vs. Alayah is next and Sydney is getting her shots in, until Alayah tackles her.
~ Kiarra vs. Sarah is a squash match. Sarah landed one hit, maybe.
~ Sarah cuts a promo after the match and says, “You know something….Kiarra, I can beat you! So right here tonight, I’m throwing out the challenge. You and me. WrestleMania. One more time.” (She didn’t say this, Shawn Michaels did. I’m just talking to myself now.)
~ Alayah The Royal Pain vs. Sydvicious are facing off in the finals because the producers are tampering.
~ So many unprotected headshots in this fight.
~ Alayah wins because she sat on Sydney. For her prize, she gets to kiss Peter in front of 100 people.
~ Sydney has the charisma to go far
in the wrestling business on The Bachelor.
~ Time for the fancy schmancy night portion of the date, which is the same set-up of couches they’ve had on every group date, going back to 1952.
~ Peter gives Alayah a crown. That’s a normal thing to do.
~ Sydney doesn’t like Alayah and calls her fake and manipulative.
~ Okay, Sydney, let’s not become that person on the show. We’re going for the top four. Be cool.
~ Sydney asks Alayah, “Do you, like, work at all?”
~ Straight for the jugular. Oh man. We’re here now.
~ “I have three jobs.” – Alayah
~ And the game of verbal ping-pong is on.
~ Kelley tells Peter she is out of her comfort zone and doesn’t fit in with the process of this show, but she’s here because she likes him. Should’ve told him that when you met him a month ago!
~ Sydney tells Peter that she feels like the polar opposite of the women he likes. I think that’s why she’s one of my favourites, actually.
~ Sydney tells him that some of the girls are fake. DING DING. HERE WE GO.
~ Peter sits down with all the girls and says he is concerned about some people not being real with him.
~ We are about two episodes away from a video montage of Peter walking down a street, looking sad, as Boulevard of Broken Dreams plays.
~ He’s asking Sydney to tell him who’s fake, in front of everyone. DON’T DO THIS TO HER.
~ “Maybe Alayah put on a little bit, just for the imagery of things.”
~ Arrows be slinging. You cannot stop arrows from slinging.
~ Peter exits and Sydney and Alayah have an exchange to further build their match at the Royal Rumble this Sunday.
~ “Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.” – Sydney, under her breath, channeling Randy Orton from his 2009 feud with Kofi Kingston. (None of you even know how accurate this is.)
~ Alayah goes to talk to Peter, but Peter is confused because he doesn’t know who to believe. Just sneak into the production truck and review the footage!
~ The group date rose goes to Sydney. Maybe Peter does know what he’s doing.
~ Back at the mansion, Alayah is telling the other girls what Sydney said.
~ All these people do is gossip and try to build an army of women to support their version of the truth.
~ This is setting up a Losers Leave Town tag team match between Alayah and Kelsey vs. Hannah Ann and Sydney.
~ Chris Harrison greets the women in the living room and his sleeves are rolled UP.
~ It’s been a rough week, so they’re going to have a pool party this afternoon, like they do every season when there is tension.
~ In walks Peter and he says he’s not feeling his best.
~ It’s the third episode and this is the second date he’s flopping on?
THE NON-POOL PARTY PARTY
~ He pulls Sydney aside and apologizes for forcing her to name names in front of everyone.
~ I don’t know who this is, but a woman just sat down with Peter to tell him that Alayah acts a certain way in front of the camera.
~ “At the end of the day” is a phrase used about 30 times in every episode.
~ Peter is making his rounds to get to the bottom of this “controversy”.
~ It baffles me how the bachelor/bachelorette doesn’t realize that if someone is causing a commotion within the first few days of filming, they’re not the one.
~ You want your future wife/husband to be someone who can get along with others, right? At the very least, you don’t want them in a petty feud within days of being there.
~ You know who isn’t in a petty feud right now? SARAH. Go talk to her.
~ Natasha says Sydney is not wrong about Alayah.
~ Lexi tells Peter that some people turn it on for the cameras. She’s talking about Alayah.
~ The evidence is piling up. Meanwhile, Alayah is venting to Hannah Ann and Mykenna from Canada, by the pool.
~ Alayah goes up to Sydney and asks to chat. And by “chat”, she means they’re going to go argue and over-enunciate their words to establish dominance.
~ Peter and Madison have a normal interaction, so of course it lasts for about 16 seconds.
~ I feel like the damage is done, whether what they’re saying about Alayah is true or not. The person who receives the “fake” label, is never picked in the end.
~ Peter says he believes Alayah. Earlier, he told Sydney he believes her.
~ This has Alayah feeling like she’s back on top of the mountain. She is happy.
~ Peter pulls aside former Miss Louisiana (Victoria P.) and she says Alayah (former Miss Texas) asked her not to tell the producers they knew each other before the show. But why?
~ She also says that Alayah came into this very open to all the opportunities that would come after the show.
~ Bach Stat: 90% of the people who go on this show are only there to grow their following and become brand ambassadors. Only a few of them get called out on it.
~ “Here for the right reasons.” Drink.
~ Peter sits down with Alayah. Alayah says she was worried her and Victoria P. would be disqualified for knowing each other.
~ HAHAHA WHAT? HAVE YOU WATCHED THE SHOW?
~ If this show could get 30 women who know each other, to be on the same season, they would.
~ Peter is trying to use this “covering up your friendship with Victoria P.” as grounds for dismissal, but it’s a bit weak.
~ The theme of this season is immaturity. All around. The cast, crew, champagne bottles, everyone.
~ Chris Harrison arrives and says Peter has gone home because he’s emotional and confused.
~ See, that line would work back in 2007. But in 2020, we’re too smart, and know he just said it to be dramatic.
~ Kelsey and Hannah Ann get the first two roses because this champagne supernova story must continue.
~ Natasha, Lexi, Madison, Shiann, Kelley, Kiarra, and Tammy get roses.
~ I’m starting to sweat a bit for Sarah. She doesn’t get much screen time and I don’t know what she sounds like. This isn’t looking good.
~ Savannah and Deandra get roses.
~ Peter steps out into the hall with two roses remaining. Chris Harrison is there to whisper with him about Alayah.
~ Peter walks back in and Chris follows. Chris takes one of the final two roses! There is now just one remaining! MATH!
~ If Sarah goes home, we riot.
~ The final rose goes to…Mykenna from Canada, which means WE RIOT.
~ I’m shocked he wasn’t forced to keep Alayah. Alexa and Jasmine are also going home.
~ Back to Sarah, though. Does Peter want to die alone? Why would you send her home? Yeah, she’s barely said three words in three episodes, but you can tell she’s Final One material.
~ This is a travesty.
~ I’m tired of this show not caring about who I like. Way to appease your viewers!
~ Sarah was too good for this, anyway.
~ Not even an exit video? This is what you get for being an upstanding citizen on a dating show, I guess.
~ We now see Peter talking to a producer and he says he doesn’t know if he wants Alayah to leave right now. He feels like he gave in to what everyone else was saying.
~ The preview for next week shows Alayah returning.
~ WHY COULDN’T IT SHOW SARAH RETURNING?
~ I am way too mad about this.
~ What a finasco.
Let me know your thoughts on last night’s episode. Is this season a disaster, or is it dumpster fire? Will Peter ever have a normal interaction with any of the women? How many more dates will he cancel?