It’s always fun when the College Football National Championship Game is going up against The Bachelor. If you want to describe America to someone, these are the two things you force them to watch. It’s all there.
As Becky can attest to, I was hypnotized by the first half hour of it. The only thing missing from the pre-game theatrics was a rapper, who doesn’t actually rap, but instead, says their name every five seconds, in between pulling up their pants.
Other than that, everything you need to know about America was on that field.
Let’s get to my Bachelor viewing notes. They are great. Again.
GROUP DATE (Lauren, Sydney, Payton, Natasha, Alexa, Kelsey, Mykenna from Canada, Alayah, and Savannah)
~ We pick up with Peter Pilot and Hannah Beast, crying on a couch. This feels like a game of Clue. The cameraman is spying on them from behind a wall?
~ CAN WE NOT GET A CLEAN SHOT FROM CAMERA THREE?
~ Hannah doesn’t know if she made the right decision about Peter on her season.
~ Meanwhile, Peter’s new girlfriends are hard at work on whatever they’re going to be performing, but they’re starting to wonder where he went.
~ Peter and Hannah are getting awfully snugly on this couch.
~ “I can’t do this.” – Peter.
~ Neither can we, Peter. Neither can WE.
~ Hannah has gotten all the sparkles from her dress all over Peter’s jeans. God, please let the other girls pick up on this.
~ Peter tells the camera he wanted to kiss her. He also admits he probably didn’t handle this the right way.
~ Yeah, maybe don’t let your ex-girlfriend host a date for you and nine of your new girlfriends.
~ Peter is now rounding everyone up for a talk.
~ He says he’s not in the right headspace to continue with the day portion of this date and it has nothing to do with that fact that he’s covered in Hannah’s glitter from head to toe.
~ “Every day I’ve seen you, I’ve seen her, which sucks for us.” – Natasha
~ TELL ‘EM.
~ It’s time for the night portion and the women are starting to realize they have barely talked to the guy they now call, “boyfriend”.
~ Oh, great. Every one-on-one chat is going to rehash the day and how frustrated they are by the situation.
~ STOP DOING THIS SAME STUPID STORYLINE EVERY SEASON. WE ARE SICK OF IT. SHOW US THEIR ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS. WE KNOW THEY SAY OTHER WORDS.
~ Peter is on a full-blown PR tour, Bachelor style.
~ If I learn one thing about any of these girls tonight, I’ll let you know.
~ Sydney says she’s from Alabama but doesn’t consider herself to be a traditional southern girl. They kiss.
~ These group dates are like watching people talk in a waiting room. It’s uncomfortable. Can’t they all just stare at a TV in the corner and ignore each other?
~ Sydney gets the group date rose.
~ “Hello Lay Deeeeze.” – Peter
~ He apologizes to the group for the whole Hannah ordeal.
~ This immediately makes Lexi feel better because she thinks Peter must feel strongly about doing this whole process.
~ He’s under contract, Lexi. He better feel strongly about doing this.
~ Peter got Lexi a little red convertible (she arrived in one on Night #1) so she can play with it, as if she’s me at Age 6. I’m touched.
~ Kelsey has been saving a bottle of champagne for a whole year. She’s going to open it tonight and share it with Peter.
~ Mykenna from Canada steals Peter away before Kelsey could get the chance. Kelsey is getting impatient because Peter knows nothing about her yet.
~ And now Kelsey is telling Mykenna from Canada it wasn’t fair that she took Peter away, when she had time with him last night.
~ If you want uninterrupted, one-on-one time with the lead, DON’T GO ON A SHOW WHERE YOU HAVE TO SHARE THEM WITH 29 OTHER PEOPLE.
~ Am I the only person that understands this concept?
~ Peter tells Madison it feels like they’ve been dating for years. Peter has lost all track of time.
~ He got her a framed photo of them with his parents and brother. It’ll be awkward when she has to crop all of them out of it.
~ But for now, I hope she puts it on display. That’ll be a good storyline.
~ Uh-oh, Hannah Ann is about to open Kelsey’s champagne bottle because she left it unattended!
~ POP GOES THE BOTTLE. HEADS TURN.
~ Kelsey and the other girls hear it. Here comes the pain. Here come the tears.
~ Kelsey is going to see if it was her champagne bottle they opened. It was. You know what that means.
~ We have entered full meltdown mode. Everyone grab a meltdown buddy. If you don’t have one, one will be assigned to you.
~ One of the producers could’ve stopped Hannah Ann from opening the forbidden bottle, but no, why stop the train wreck?
~ Tammy is finally clueing Hannah Ann in on the fact that Kelsey brought this wine bottle from home.
~ Who brings their own bottles on The Bachelor? That’s like showing up to a classroom with your own desk. IT’S ALREADY THERE.
~ Imagine putting an IKEA desk together while the teacher is reading from the Powerpoint slides? That’s an SNL skit waiting to happen.
~ Kelsey goes out to Hannah Ann to tell her off, accusing her of doing this on purpose.
~ Why does everyone go on this show and forget how to be logical?
~ Peter and Kelsey go sit down with a new champagne bottle. Kelsey drinks it straight from the bottle and it explodes all over her face.
~ That’s what happens when you mess with the champagne Gods.
~ But who shook that bottle up? Was there a second shaker? Is this a set-up?
~ Kelsey is going after Hannah Ann again. This is so dumb.
~ She’s mad at Hannah Ann for finding a champagne bottle in the Bachelor mansion and assuming it was for communal use.
~ You can’t walk five feet in this house without finding a bottle. How was Hannah Ann supposed to know?
~ If that champagne bottle meant so much to you, LEAVE IT AT HOME.
~ Don’t bring valuables to school. That’s the first rule of The Bachelor.
~ I know she wanted to save the champagne for a special occasion, but does this really qualify?
~ If anything, this could be a tactic to force Peter into keeping her around, even though he doesn’t really know her yet, because man, how awful would it look for him to send home the girl who brought the champagne bottle from home? He couldn’t possibly do that. Bam, you made it to Week 5.
~ This is why I could never be the bachelor. I’d be sniffing out ploys, left and right, even if they aren’t ploys.
~ “Oh, you like me? WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT.”
~ #ParanoidPaul would be trending on Twitter every Monday night.
~ “I’m real, you’re calculated.” – Kelsey
~ Mykenna from Canada gets the first rose.
~ Victoria P., Natasha, and Jasmine get roses.
~ Sarah gets a rose. Good, I like her.
~ Lexi, Hannah Ann, Alexa, Tammy, Alayah, Deandra, Victoria F., Shiann, Kiarra, Savannah all get roses and we’re down to the final rose.
~ Hannah Ann has nine letters in her name, but only three of them are different. The more you know.
~ The final rose goes to….Kelsey. He was so impressed that she got mad about a champagne bottle.
~ Lauren is going home? This is an early round bracket busting upset. She was one of the good ones, Peter. ONE OF THE GOOD ONES.
~ I’m doing the rest of these notes under protest.
~ In Lauren’s bio on the ABC website (I do research for this stuff, sadly) she said she holds exit interviews with all her ex-boyfriends to see where things went wrong.
~ Can next week’s episode just be a 2-hour interview where she grills Peter like she’s Barbara Walters?
~ The remaining girls, and Peter, gather for a toast. They encourage Kelsey to give the toast, but she says no, so Hannah Ann does it. Kelsey is the opposite of happy.
~ And then there were 19…
GROUP DATE (Alexa, Mykenna, Natasha, Deandra, Lexi, Victoria F., Kelsey, Hannah Ann)
~ It’s a date to a clothing store called, Revolve. Never heard of it, but if you rearrange its letters, it becomes, Lovveer. Sounds like a shell company in France.
~ The girls will be modelling in a fashion show. They will be judged on style, technique, and personality.
~ The winner will get a full wardrobe, worth thousands of dollars.
~ If this were a game show in the 80s, they’d receive a rinky-dink piece of luggage and LOVE it.
~ I forgot Peter was even on this date. Oh well, I’m sure he’ll get to know them better another time.
~ Victoria F. hates group dates. Don’t we all.
~ This date is about showing personality because watching women walk down a runway is the quickest way for Peter to figure out who he likes.
~ Hannah Ann comes out in a wedding dress because her personality is…impatient?
~ Kelsey comes out with a champagne bottle. This is cham-painful.
~ Hannah Ann and Victoria F. are selected as the top two to compete in the Final Walk Off.
~ In this round, they will walk out at the same time while wearing the same dress. Whoever looks better, wins. I think. I have no clue.
~ Hannah Ann is the winner. To steal a wrestling term, which I must do every week, she’s getting a major push.
~ The night portion of the date will be at a greenhouse, so their relationships can grow?
~ What has Peter done in the first two episodes to show these women that he could be their potential husband, and vice versa?
~ Peter pulls Victoria F. aside and tells her he was very impressed with her walk.
~ “The way you put one foot in front of the other, wowee, I couldn’t stop watching. Like, where would you put your left foot next? I just had to find out.”
~ She’s not feeling it.
~ I missed some stuff while I was typing a fake quote, but I think she’s upset that there are so many other girls.
~ He’s wondering how she went from looking so confident on the runway, to feeling like this.
~ She’s buttering you up for a rose. That’s how. Just watch.
~ Peter brings a champagne bottle over to Kelsey. They will drink it out of a glass this time. She won’t get fooled twice.
~ “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me – you can’t get fooled again.” – George Bush
~ Kelsey goes back to sit with the girls and is looking happy and confident.
~ Hannah Ann tells Peter she was crying last night because Kelsey was mean to her, crushed her spirit, and bullied her.
~ She’s telling him this because she doesn’t like that Kelsey came back to the group looking all confident after her chat, right? RIGHT?
~ “I’m not a champagne stealer.” – Hannah Ann
~ Victoria F. gets the group date rose because she played the “this is so hard for me” role perfectly, so Peter knew giving her a rose would make her feel better.
~ That’s a move straight out of the Bachelor handbook. It’s all about the game and how you play it, kids.
~ Peter is now pulling Kelsey aside to ask her why she’s a bully.
~ Kelsey says she didn’t have a problem with Hannah Ann until she realized Hannah Ann knowingly opened HER champagne bottle.
~ She is denying the bullying allegations.
~ I mean, the video replay shows Kelsey lashing out at Hannah Ann and not being understanding.
~ If this were school, he’d tell her to apologize to Hannah Ann. She’d do it, but wouldn’t mean it, and then they’d avoid each other at recess.
~ “I don’t think she understands what that word (bully) actually means.” – Kelsey
~ Kelsey doesn’t understand why Hannah Ann brought this up to Peter.
~ IT’S BECAUSE YOU LOOKED SO HAPPY AFTER YOUR CHAT WITH PETER AND SHE DIDN’T WANT TO SEE YOU THAT HAPPY — NOT AFTER MAKING HER FEEL BAD THE NIGHT BEFORE.
~ This show is all about making your competition feel bad about themselves. Do they not know this?
~ They need to put me on this show as a narrator.
~ In the preview for next week, DEMI IS BACK. My prayers have been answered.
~ There is also a preview for the rest of the season.
~ You know how condiments sometimes fall out of your burger? That’s what this season is. Just a bunch of condiments going splat.
~ Still mad Lauren went home.
See you all next week.
What were your thoughts on this episode? Was #ChampagneGate overblown? Do you know anything about any of the people on this show?