50 Thoughts XXX

1. Sometimes humour comes from a place of pain, like when I hit my funny bone on a door frame the other day.

2. I don’t trust squirrels. They’re either going to jump on my head, or untie my shoelaces, but they haven’t yet because they’re luring me into a false sense of security.

3. I watched Home Alone 3 over the holidays for the first time since I was a kid. It’s actually not terrible.

4. There was a kid in my Grade 9 gym class who told the teacher he didn’t complete his Health assignment because he was too busy “birthday planning”. He was dead serious. The teacher was holding back a laugh. I still laugh about this.

5. NFL referees should just drop the penalty flag beside them, instead of throwing it at the players. We get it, you used to be the quarterback of your high school team 45 years ago.

6. The teacher to student ratio in the Hogwarts Dining Hall is suboptimal.

7. There never seems to be a blizzard on New Year’s Eve. I just want there to be mayhem going on in Times Square behind Anderson Cooper.

8. 1980 will always feel like it was 20 years ago.

9. The only people who still say “New Year, New Me” are doing so mockingly.

10. Every time a band makes a new album, they say it’s a “departure from their previous sound”. Did they put their instruments on a raft?

11. It should be against the law to attend a holiday party when you’re sick.

12. Unrelated to #11, if you eat a spicy chicken sandwich while you have a sore throat, you won’t taste the spiciness at all. Test Subject: Me.

13. I’m tired of sport broadcasters asking, “Did the league get it right?” every time a player is suspended.

14. I know “Pamplemousse” means grapefruit in French, but it sounds like it means “Pommel Horse”.

15. I forgot what green grapes tasted like, since I’ve only been eating red grapes for the last five years.

16. Chris Daughtry should keep going on singing shows until he wins. I’m still mad he came in 4th on American Idol.

17. Friends is still on Netflix in Canada.

17.5 Doesn’t matter to me, I’m only saying this so my American readers know.

18. How do figure skaters spin 1000 times and then skate perfectly down to the other end of the rink?

19. The Circle on Netflix is so good.

20. I’ve had seven bowls of soup this year, which puts me on pace to shatter my previous personal best.

21. Why is a bowl of soup so filling? I had it for lunch the other day and had to push back dinner time by two hours, I was so stuffed.

22. Every character in every TV show looks like they just got a haircut.

23. What is Regis Philbin up to these days?

24. The beginning of the third Harry Potter movie is a combination of Up, Willy Wonka and Frankenstein.

25. My mom brags to our Italian relatives that I know how to cook and they’re all shocked because apparently Italian men don’t know how to do anything in the kitchen.

26. There should be a character in The Walking Dead who calls themselves the chairman of the hoard.

27. Twenty years from now, a student will ask their teacher: “Why didn’t they just shut down Twitter in 2020, so no one would say anything that could end the world?”

28. I’ve been meaning to update my About page, but that would mean I’d have to read what’s currently there. I’m not prepared to do that.

29. Tweets that have poor grammar and punctuation are more likely to go viral.

30. I’m the only person who seems to lose weight over the holidays. I don’t know how I do it.

31. It always bugs me when there is a spelling mistake on the ticker of a sports/news network.

32. There’s an unspoken bond between people who played MVP Baseball 2005 when they were a kid.

33. Rugby Sevens and Lacrosse are two sports that deserve more attention.

34. There should be a word for non-bloggers. I nominate, “Buggles”.

34.5 This was inspired by, “Muggles”.

35. We need to get Kaitlyn Herman back in the Big Brother house.

36. If you have an oatmeal cookie for a snack, it should be called an oatsnack cookie.

36.5 Gonna wait to see if this joke lands.

36.75 Nope, it’s still soaring.

37. Katie Nolan is vastly under-utilized at ESPN.

38. Few things will ever be as wholesome as the Care Bear Countdown.

39. Sports need more video montages.

40. I want to go to the Olympics one day, in whatever capacity they’ll have me. Fan, athlete, employee, mascot, ray of sunshine, etc. It doesn’t matter to me.

41. Eleven years ago, I had vanilla ice cream with sprinkles and strawberries, in a plastic bowl. I’m still traumatized by how bad it was.

42. Ever just wake up and immediately break into a cough because you’re choking?

43. The songs, “Higher” and “My Sacrifice” by Creed, carry so many memories for wrestling fans.

44. STOP WITH THE FOOT FUNGUS COMMERCIALS AFTER DINNER.

45. “Why’d the chicken cross the road? Because you didn’t cook it.” – Gordon Ramsay

46. The best thing about Blockbuster was being able to rent video games you’d never buy. Rugrats: Scavenger Hunt, for Nintendo 64, comes to mind.

47. We’re about six months away from someone writing a movie called, Reboot: The Reboot, aren’t we?

48. Pluto will always be a planet, to me.

49. New Movie Idea: A NASA telescope discovers a new planet that has civilization on it and it becomes their mission to make contact with them. There would be at least 15 movies in the series because it would probably take that long to do it.

50. It’s called a couch because the guy who invented it is named, Jay Wellingdon Couch.