Welcome back to Viewing Notes for this season of The Bachelor, featuring third-place finisher on last season of The Bachelorette, Peter Weber. Peter is a pilot, looks like every bachelor that has come before him, and is referred to as Pilot Pete by the fans.
Not me, though. I call him Peter Pilot. It reminds me of Reader Rabbit.
Peter is back to find his wife among a group of women who have no less than 5000 Instagram followers to their name. Will he do it?
I hope you enjoy my witty commentary as we get through this gruelling three-hour premiere together.
~ The show starts with a flash forward of Chris Harrison, telling Peter on the day of the final rose ceremony(?) that he just received some news (probably regarding one of the girls). Peter looks stunned and goes to lie down.
~ That was very How To Get Away With Murder of them. Let’s start the show.
~ Chris Harrison is driving Peter around LA. This is mercifully replacing the typical, “Bachelor seductively washes their upper body in the shower” scene we normally get.
~ Time to watch video packages of some of the women.
~ First up is Alexa – she’s a caregiver and loves caring for people. That makes sense.
~ Hannah Ann is next – she’s from Knoxville, Tennessee and is a model.
~ Can’t stop singing, Han Han Han Han Hannah Ann (to the tune of Barbara Ann by The Beach Boys) in my head. This is gonna be a thing. So sorry, Hannah Ann.
~ Tammy is from Syracuse and can out wrestle you on a mat. She also flips houses. So, stand back.
~ Victoria Paul is next. Well, at least we finally got a Paul on the show. She’s a nurse.
~ Kelley is an attorney and works with her entire family. She ran into Peter in a lobby at her best friend’s wedding and sees this as a major sign.
~ Ominous music played over her video, that is also a major sign.
~ Madison is from Auburn and won not one, not two, not three, but four state basketball championships in high school. Her dad was the coach. She could be a contender.
~ Maurissa is a Patient Care Coordinator for plastic surgeons. She is a former Miss Montana Teen USA.
~ Chris welcomes Peter back to the mansion, wet driveway and all.
~ Peter has decided to wear a bow tie for the first night. Does he think this is an award show?
~ Leading off is Alayah, who is an Orthodontist Assistant. Her grandma wrote Peter a letter, but didn’t tell her what she wrote. That’s intriguing.
~ Batting second is Sydney, from Alabama. Nice to see the show is continuing with the whole, “Let’s cast people from the same hometown as the person who dumped our lead.” I like Sydney.
~ Here comes Hannah Ann. “I love that name.” And with that, she just made it to the hometown dates.
~ Sarah tells him her stomach might leave her body. Then she looks at Peter and says, “Hubba Hubba.” I didn’t know people still said that. She seems like a real person, I like her. Getting some Jen Scheftt vibes.
~ Next is Lauren and I think I have my third favourite already. None of them better go home on night one.
~ Victoria Paul has arrived and they do a happy dance.
~ Mykenna, a fashion blogger from CANADA doesn’t get much of her intro aired because CanCon regulations don’t apply in America.
~ Maurissa makes a pinky promise with him.
~ Kelsey tells him that Hannah made a mistake letting him go. It’s the first time you’re meeting this guy and you’re talking about someone else. Why? Go back in the limo and do it again.
~ Eunice comes out of the limo wearing angel wings. She is a flight attendant.
~ Clearly, the angel wings are a callback to Jake Pavelka’s season where the tagline was, “On The Wings Of Love”. He was also a pilot. That was in 2010. You’re welcome.
~ Here comes Jade, who is also a flight attendant.
~ Megan is also a flight attendant. One more and they can start a band called, Flying High.
~ Madison shows up riding a big paper airplane. I had high hopes for her. I really did.
~ Tammy is screening him for objects he shouldn’t be carrying.
~ Shiann gives him a barf bag because he’s going to be having a lot of nauseating conversations tonight. Oh man.
~ When you think of this barf bag, I want you to think of me. That’s an anecdote for the grandkids.
~ Courtney arrives on a tricycle, but it’s retrofitted as an airplane. Poor lighting made it hard to see.
~ A man is wheeling in some luggage on a cart. In one of the suitcases is Kiarra.
~ “Are you a co-pilot or are you baggage?” – One of the girls. Clever.
~ Lexi drives up in a red corvette. She likes to go fast. THE GUY IS A PILOT, LEXI. AS IN PLANES.
~ Deandra shows up with a windmill on her back. Oh no. I’m not ready to revisit the whole Hannah and Peter in a windmill narrative from last season.
~ Payton arrives and says “Four times?” Again, I’m not addressing the windmill thing.
~ Jasmine also references the windmill, but in a different language. STOP IT.
~ Kylie also alludes to it.
~ Do I have to pull a Kiarra and pack myself into a suitcase? Don’t think I won’t.
~ Katrina has a hairless cat named Jasmine.
~ Victoria has a very dry sense of humour. She isn’t happy there is another Victoria and might have to be referred to as Victoria F.
~ Jenna shows up with an emotional support cow named, Ashley P., who is listed as a vegetarian. I wish I found this funny. I really do.
~ If I were the bachelor, the person who would make the biggest impression would be the one who arrives in a limo, exchanges awkward chit chat with me, and goes in the house. You know, a normal person. Enough with the props and gimmicks.
~ Savannah puts a blindfold on Peter and then kisses him on the lips. Uhhh that’s kinda very inappropriate??
~ Kelley comes out of the limo and Peter recognizes her. Oh thank God. I didn’t want to watch the whole “I don’t think he remembers me” storyline unfold.
~ Peter really likes to show off that he knows how to dance.
~ Alexa arrives. That’s it.
~ Avonlea arrives. That’s it.
~ Natasha looks at him. That’s it.
~ It’s time for the annual audio clip of, “No more girls, there are enough here already.”
~ Another big limo shows up and out comes Hannah from last season. God help us all.
~ “Hannah is here. Hannah Brown is here.” – The press has been alerted
~ Hannah returns a pin that Peter gave her on the first night, last season. And then she leaves because she has to go film Dancing With The Stars.
~ Peter sits down with Alayah and pulls out the letter her grandma wrote him. It’s the standard, “My granddaughter is great, you’ll love her.” I was hoping for something more.
~ “Peter, I was watching Wheel of Fortune the other night and solved the puzzle before any of the contestants, which means I know things before others. That being said, I just know I’ll be setting the table for you at Christmas. See ya soon, honey bun.”
~ I am a scarily convincing grandma.
~ Maurissa gives him a high five and then they create a handshake. This is after they shared a pinky swear outside. Welcome to the friend zone.
~ Madison (the girl who showed up on a big paper airplane) takes Peter outside to throw big paper airplanes. Make it stop.
~ Chris Harrison has arrived with the first impression rose.
~ “Ohhh myyy gawwwwwsh.”
~ “Doesn’t that mean, you’re like, safe?” – This line made me crumble like I was a breadstick that got stepped on.
~ There are two hours left in this episode. TWO HOURS.
~ There are too many activity-based one-on-one chats tonight. Just sit down and talk. Make it easy on the cameramen.
~ Han Han Han Han Hannah Ann and her dad painted Peter a picture of the Smokey Mountains.
~ This is the first girl he kisses without wearing a blindfold.
~ Tammy handcuffs him and performs a security check. And then she goes in for a kiss.
~ Mykenna from Canada, throws paper airplanes at Peter while he’s talking to Natasha.
~ Natasha comes back with an even bigger paper airplane.
~ MAKE IT STOP.
~ Now Mykenna and Peter are kissing by the fire as Natasha watches them.
~ Han Han Han Han Hannah Ann is going in for a second conversation with Peter.
~ NOW SHE’S GOING BACK FOR A THIRD TIME.
~ This whole night is a gong show, but Lauren is now talking to him so things might go back to normal.
~ But we don’t even get to see their chat? That’s a boo-urns.
~ I like how the girls interrupt Peter’s conversations and then exchange fake compliments with the girl they’re sending away.
~ There’s been a lot of, “Hey, can I steal him for a second?” tonight, which is straight out of the SNL skit that mocks this show.
~ “If I get a rose tonight, it’ll be the first time I ever got a rose from a guy.” – Guilt Trippy McTripperson
~ Han Han Han Han Hannah Ann is getting the first impression rose, obviously. They’re practically married by now.
~ Mykenna from Canada is mad she didn’t get the rose and is questioning things.
~ YOU’VE KNOWN HIM FOR 43 MINUTES.
~ The first rose goes to Victoria Paul. Way to represent.
~ Madison gets rose number two. Well buckle my shoe.
~ Kelley gets the third rose.
~ Lexi gets a rose.
~ Savannah gets a rose, despite the blindfold stunt.
~ Lauren gets a rose. Phew.
~ Tammy, Alayah, Jasmine, Sydney, and Natasha each get a rose.
~ Mykenna from Canada gets a rose.
~ Deandra, Sarah, Alexa, Kelsey, Payton, Kiarra, Courtney, and Shiann get roses.
~ Victoria “Don’t say my last initial” F. gets the final rose.
~ Maurissa – the one with the pinky promise and elaborate handshake, is going home. She deserved better.
GROUP DATE #1 (Hannah Ann, Kelley, Deandra, Tammy, Courtney, Shiann, Victoria Paul, Jasmine, and Victoria F.)
~ It’s time for the first group date, but first, Peter is cleaning his plane without a shirt on. The producers just can’t live without a topless scene that includes water, can they?
~ Peter is flying over the mansion and the girls are freaking out because they’ve never seen a plane before.
~ The girls are going to be put through flight school. The first lesson is math. Oh, here we go!
~ A bunch of them guessed that 1 mile is equivalent to 30,000 feet. That should be an automatic eviction.
~ Now they’re each going to ride the orbitron, which is a thing that will spin them around and make them feel like puking.
~ Victoria Paul is terrified of this because she couldn’t even handle the tea cups ride at the local carnival when she was a kid.
~ She definitely told the producers that story during casting.
~ Peter appreciates that she would willingly get motion sickness just for him.
~ The girls now have to go through an obstacle course to prove they are ready to be Peter’s co-pilot.
~ Kelley won the obstacle course, even though she cheated. The producers aren’t going to disqualify her because alone time between Peter and the girl he’s already met, is exactly what they wanted.
~ Peter takes her flying. Did you know he’s a pilot?
~ The rest of the girls are at a Four Seasons Hotel, complaining that Kelley cheated.
~ Oh look, Kelley just walked in.
~ The girls haaaaaate her.
~ She says she “was just going with it” and didn’t know “the rules would be extremely strict”. Sounds like something a cheater would say!
~ This just so happens to be the exact hotel where Peter and Kelley met a month ago. Well, knock me over and roll me up like a sleeping bag, what are the odds?
~ The producers knew this.
~ “I didn’t know they made guys like that.” – Victoria Paul, after Peter gives her flowers that he poached from outside.
~ Kelley interrupts Shiann’s conversation with Peter, so they can go re-enact the time they met in the lobby.
~ Oh, yay.
~ Kelley is getting the group date rose because none of the other girls met him in this hotel.
~ “The rest of us didn’t even have a chance. It’s just not fair.” – Shiann
~ Maybe next week, they can all go on a group date to the front of the Bachelor mansion so they can all re-enact the time they met Peter.
ONE-ON-ONE DATE (Madison)
~ Peter is driving Madison somewhere, but where?
~ He brought her to his parents backyard, where they are going to renew their vows.
~ Peter is going to be the minister for this event. I’m fast-forwarding.
~ Peter’s mom likes Madison.
~ OF COURSE Madison catches the bouquet. She basically called a fair catch on the play. You think the producers would let anyone else catch it? Cousin Marlene isn’t coming in for the one-handed grab.
~ Madison has secured her spot in the Top 4 with this date.
~ I was questioning things when she showed up in a paper airplane, but she’s made a good impression here. Very poised. I’m adding her to my list of favourites.
~ I don’t know who Tenille Arts is, but she’s singing, which means Peter and Madison are dancing.
~ Google tells me that Tenille Arts is a 25-year-old country singer from Canada.
~ Now Peter’s family is joining them. Have they just been sitting in a trailer for the last three hours, waiting for this?
~ Cue the, “We’re supposed to dance, but don’t really want to” routine, that is customary at weddings. Just a bunch of people clapping and rocking side to side.
GROUP DATE #2 (Lauren, Sydney, Payton, Natasha, Alexa, Kelsey, Mykenna from Canada, Alayah, and Savannah)
~ Peter welcomes the group and says he’s asked a friend of his to plan this date.
~ The “friend” is Hannah Brown. Dun dun dunnnn.
~ Hannah is turning into Michael Myers in Halloween. It’s getting creepy.
~ Hannah tells the girls they’re all going to tell their own personal windmill-esque story to an audience. If you don’t know what that means, I’m not explaining it.
~ Peter and Hannah meet up and Hannah is crying because she’s finally realizing that the producers have made her appear twice on this episode, and act like she doesn’t still have feelings for Peter.
~ “What would you say if I asked you to come and be apart of that house?” – Peter
~ “Maybe. Oh my gosh.” – Hannah
~ This is basically AFTER the After the Final Rose.
~ Peter was sad that Hannah started talking to Tyler again after the show, but not him. She claims Peter never reached out.
~ “I thought you wanted to be the bachelor.” – Cut to a shot of Peter, who looks like he wants to say, “I’d rather be with you than date 36 flight attendants.”
~ The episode ends with a To Be Continued… Aren’t they all?
My favourites after the first episode are: Sarah, Sydney, Lauren, and Madison. Not necessarily in that order.
Thanks for reading and see you next week!
Let me know what you thought of this episode in the comments section. Who are your favourites?