The Toothbrush Triplets

That sounds like a good title for an animated horror film, doesn’t it? I always worry I’m putting my best – Grade A ideas on this blog and when the day comes for me to make money off them, I won’t be able to.

But I digest. And digress. On to the story!

It was time for me to replace my old toothbrush with a new one because it was old and not new. Wow, what a sentence.

I grabbed a new toothbrush out of the cupboard, which was the free toothbrush I had received at the dentist the last time I went. It was a reddish, pinkish colour. I don’t know. I guess it was supposed to represent gingivitis?

Maybe that was intentional, or subliminal, or accidental, or any other word ending in “-al” that fits this narrative like, abdominal. Okay, maybe not that one.

So, I take the new gingivitis-inspired toothbrush out of its little packaging and go put it into the toothbrush holder. It didn’t fit in the toothbrush holder.

I repeat, IT DIDN’T FIT IN THE TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER.

It was like finding a tea kettle that didn’t have an entry point for water. What’s the point?

The base of the toothbrush was too obtuse. I thought it was supposed to clean out the food, not eat it. Why was it so large?

My theory is, that because the dental office wanted their address printed on the toothbrush, it needed to be a bit bigger to fit the writing.

As a result, they made the toothbrush handle too big.

All I want in life is for products that are soulmates to work in perfect harmony with one another. Is that so much to ask? Why do you have to make things so difficult for me?

Can we get toothbrush manufacturers and toothbrush holder manufacturers in an email chain to prevent this issue? It’s not that hard. Let’s be smart about this. Please.

Clearly, I couldn’t use this “new” toothbrush. I’d have nowhere to put it when I wasn’t brushing my teeth.

My quest for another new toothbrush took me back to the cupboard, where I found five of them in a police lineup package. They were from Costco, apparently.

I picked out the one nearest the end because I couldn’t be bothered to be picky. So, my new toothbrush is black and orange which means it’ll be my least favourite holiday inside my mouth for the next few months – Halloween.

Yay.

Or should I have said, Boo?

I looked at the handle and it was small enough to fit in the toothbrush holder. The world was back to normal!

The next day, I go use it and as I’m brushing my teeth, something feels weird. And it’s not the, “Oh, the bristles go in this direction now” feeling that you get every time you change toothbrushes.

What’s up with that, by the way? Every toothbrush has their bristles angled differently. Is this a design patent thing, or have I been watching too much Shark Tank?

Anyway, I examine the toothbrush and lo and behold, two bristles are already falling out! It’s like a baby with a receding hairline. Those bristles are holding on for dear life, but as soon as I look away, they’ll make a run for it. I just know it.

What toothbrush loses bristles on its first use? Was it not in game shape? What’s the matter here?

To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever had a toothbrush that has lost bristles. They all seem to hold on to what they got, it doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not, we got each other, and that’s enough etc.

Instead of playing Toothbrush Roulette and wondering if they’ll fall out while I’m brushing my teeth – and choke me to death – I just went ahead and ripped them out.

See ya, never, stray bristles!

I’ve been through three toothbrushes in the last 24 hours. Or is it teethbrushes?

Never have I ever (we’re playing that game now, I guess) had a problem with a toothbrush. All of a sudden, I have two?

I finished brushing my teeth and didn’t even trust that the toothbrush did its job. I looked at my teeth and wondered if they were actually clean or if the toothbrush sat out this session as a form of boycott.

I’m only partially kidding about that last sentence.

Heck, as I’m writing this, my teeth feel uncomfortable. 

THEN, I’m walking outside and what do I see on the ground next to the sidewalk? An empty toothbrush package.

I’m being haunted, mocked, stalked, and bamboozled by the toothbrush community. There’s no doubt about it.

The next time I brush my teeth, I’m going to need floss in my other hand just in case the toothbrush pulls anything and I have to break out the lasso.

Hey, it’s the wild, wild, west out here. You always have to be ready.

Complete side note: Last year (might’ve been this year) I was determined to brush my teeth using my non-dominant hand as a way to develop the other side of my brain. It was too hard and I quit. Also got toothpaste on my face. 

Have you ever had any toothbrush issues? Or is it, toothbrissues?