The Toothbrush Triplets

That sounds like a good title for an animated horror film, doesn’t it? I always worry I’m putting my best – Grade A ideas on this blog and when the day comes for me to make money off them, I won’t be able to.

But I digest. And digress. On to the story!

It was time for me to replace my old toothbrush with a new one because it was old and not new. Wow, what a sentence.

I grabbed a new toothbrush out of the cupboard, which was the free toothbrush I had received at the dentist the last time I went. It was a reddish, pinkish colour. I don’t know. I guess it was supposed to represent gingivitis?

Maybe that was intentional, or subliminal, or accidental, or any other word ending in “-al” that fits this narrative like, abdominal. Okay, maybe not that one.

So, I take the new gingivitis-inspired toothbrush out of its little packaging and go put it into the toothbrush holder. It didn’t fit in the toothbrush holder.

I repeat, IT DIDN’T FIT IN THE TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER.

It was like finding a tea kettle that didn’t have an entry point for water. What’s the point?

The base of the toothbrush was too obtuse. I thought it was supposed to clean out the food, not eat it. Why was it so large?

My theory is, that because the dental office wanted their address printed on the toothbrush, it needed to be a bit bigger to fit the writing.

As a result, they made the toothbrush handle too big.

All I want in life is for products that are soulmates to work in perfect harmony with one another. Is that so much to ask? Why do you have to make things so difficult for me?

Can we get toothbrush manufacturers and toothbrush holder manufacturers in an email chain to prevent this issue? It’s not that hard. Let’s be smart about this. Please.

Clearly, I couldn’t use this “new” toothbrush. I’d have nowhere to put it when I wasn’t brushing my teeth.

My quest for another new toothbrush took me back to the cupboard, where I found five of them in a police lineup package. They were from Costco, apparently.

I picked out the one nearest the end because I couldn’t be bothered to be picky. So, my new toothbrush is black and orange which means it’ll be my least favourite holiday inside my mouth for the next few months – Halloween.

Yay.

Or should I have said, Boo?

I looked at the handle and it was small enough to fit in the toothbrush holder. The world was back to normal!

The next day, I go use it and as I’m brushing my teeth, something feels weird. And it’s not the, “Oh, the bristles go in this direction now” feeling that you get every time you change toothbrushes.

What’s up with that, by the way? Every toothbrush has their bristles angled differently. Is this a design patent thing, or have I been watching too much Shark Tank?

Anyway, I examine the toothbrush and lo and behold, two bristles are already falling out! It’s like a baby with a receding hairline. Those bristles are holding on for dear life, but as soon as I look away, they’ll make a run for it. I just know it.

What toothbrush loses bristles on its first use? Was it not in game shape? What’s the matter here?

To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever had a toothbrush that has lost bristles. They all seem to hold on to what they got, it doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not, we got each other, and that’s enough etc.

Instead of playing Toothbrush Roulette and wondering if they’ll fall out while I’m brushing my teeth – and choke me to death – I just went ahead and ripped them out.

See ya, never, stray bristles!

I’ve been through three toothbrushes in the last 24 hours. Or is it teethbrushes?

Never have I ever (we’re playing that game now, I guess) had a problem with a toothbrush. All of a sudden, I have two?

I finished brushing my teeth and didn’t even trust that the toothbrush did its job. I looked at my teeth and wondered if they were actually clean or if the toothbrush sat out this session as a form of boycott.

I’m only partially kidding about that last sentence.

Heck, as I’m writing this, my teeth feel uncomfortable. 

THEN, I’m walking outside and what do I see on the ground next to the sidewalk? An empty toothbrush package.

I’m being haunted, mocked, stalked, and bamboozled by the toothbrush community. There’s no doubt about it.

The next time I brush my teeth, I’m going to need floss in my other hand just in case the toothbrush pulls anything and I have to break out the lasso.

Hey, it’s the wild, wild, west out here. You always have to be ready.

Complete side note: Last year (might’ve been this year) I was determined to brush my teeth using my non-dominant hand as a way to develop the other side of my brain. It was too hard and I quit. Also got toothpaste on my face. 

Have you ever had any toothbrush issues? Or is it, toothbrissues?

About Paul

I think of my blog as an all-you-can-read buffet. There's something for everyone and complimentary mints at the door as you leave.
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24 Responses to The Toothbrush Triplets

  1. I haven’t had any toothbrush problems but maybe a solution for you: a cup. I have a coffee mug in my bathroom with my school logo on it. It was a gift from my brother two years before I even applied there BUT I use it as my bathroom “caddy” my toothbrush and makeup things are all in it. Then no problems fitting the fat end of a rogue toothbrush into a very small hole. OOOOORRR there are these new toothbrush holders that hold the top in a little case. That way germs don’t get on them and you don’t have to worry about the base lol

    I’m sorry your toothbrushes have staged a mutiny against you. Throw them all out and start fresh! Lol show them who’s boss!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Bill Fonda says:

    Big Brush clearly has it in for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. peckapalooza says:

    My issue with toothbrushes… my toothbrissue, if you will… is that I don’t have a toothbrush holder. My dentist does the same thing. The handle is always way too large to fit in any standard holder. But I’m okay with that. Because of that time I read that every time you flush the toilet, fecal matter is tossed into the air. My overactive imagination has led me to believe that, if my toothbrush were sharing airspace with the toilet, it would act as a magnet for the near microscopic things that somehow eject themselves from the toilet. So I keep my toothbrush securely in the medicine cabinet, where nary a poo particle can reach. When I recently moved into my new place, my mother wanted to buy me a toothbrush holder for the bathroom. I stopped her before she could waste her money. I mean, I appreciate the thought… and then I told her why she shouldn’t keep her toothbrush out in the open either. Sorry if I’ve grossed you out… but hey, one to grow on.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Hahaha not grossed out at all. I’ve had these exact thoughts before. I try not to think about poo particles too much or I’ll just go overboard and wrap my toothbrush in a paper towel. One time, I saw a bug crawling all over the toothbrush holder and someone else’s toothbrush, so I’m sure that happens a lot more than I’m there to witness. Can’t win, I guess. I commend your efforts on keeping your toothbrush safe. In university, I kept my toothbrush in its own holder (like one of those travel things) and kept it in my room, even though I trusted my roommate. Just felt weird leaving it out in the open.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Authoress51 says:

    “Toithbrissues”; I love it! This whole Post was awesome, again

    Liked by 1 person

  5. OMG I was just thinking this morning (as I brushed my teeth with my non-dominant hand) that my toothbrush (that’s a week new) feels totes weird in my mouth. What is up with that? My son suggested I get an electric toothbrush to use my non-dominant hand….apparently we all get toothpaste on our face when we do that….lol

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      New toothbrushes always feel weird! It like we have to break them in and then at the 3-week mark they finally feel normal again. Hmm an electric toothbrush might be easier for the non-dominant hand. I just feel like I’d get impatient with it.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Cate B says:

    I have had similar issues. What a great post – remember, we are laughing with you, not at you.
    This: “All I want in life is for products that are soulmates to work in perfect harmony with one another” priceless.
    However, I have written and eaten with my non dominant hand for the same reason as you. Now I won’t even try to brush my teeth with it.
    Have a great day.
    Cate B

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This sounds like a nightmare. This is why I avoid buying those toothbrush holders. What if one day I decide to get an electric toothbrush? That ain’t gonna fit!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Bryan Fagan says:

    If the toothbrush can’t fit in the holder it has to go. That’s a simple rule of life.

    This is weird but I don’t think I have ever paid much attention to toothbrushes in my life. But I should. Look how important they are. They are one of our greatest inventions and I completely ignore them.

    Now I’m feeling bad.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. mydangblog says:

    Change is hard. You have to buy a new toothbrush holder because your new toothbrush doesn’t fit it. The new toothbrush holder is too big for the counter, so you have to buy a new bathroom vanity. The new vanity is a slightly different colour from the old one so now you have to replace all the towels, change the curtains and paint the walls. See–you redecorated your whole bathroom because of a toothbrush. It would be easier to just stop brushing your teeth:-)

    Liked by 1 person

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