Where’s The (Roast) Beef?

Last Monday was Thanksgiving here in Canada, which means a lot of people ate turkey until they turned into one. Not me. I’m always a turkey. No idea why I said that or what it means, but let’s keep going.

I don’t really like turkey, so my family gets roast beef instead.

Turkey is dry like a desert and drowning it in gravy will only be a mirage that will disappear as soon as it enters my mouth. I shouldn’t have to trick myself into thinking turkey is not dry. If gravy made everything better, then I’d put it on cantaloupe and eat that every day.

Cantaloupe makes me gag. Don’t know why, it just always has. It’s my kryptonite. 

Whenever Thanksgiving rolls around and people post on their Instagram stories a nice big turkey that they can’t wait to eat, I am unable to relate. Is their turkey not dry? Is there a secret I’m not aware of?

What are they tasting that I’m not? Is this like how dogs can hear things humans can’t? I want answers!

In different presentations, I do enjoy turkey. Sometimes my mom puts it in a broth and that is always delicious.

(Insert rant about how soup is just seasoned water. Not hating. Just saying.)

I also enjoy the turkey you can get at the deli and put in sandwiches – I eat that on a bagel with lettuce, tomato, onions, and sometimes cheese, multiple times a week. It’s delicious. Shoutout: Cuddy Montreal Smoked Turkey.

I like that turkey because it’s a wetter turkey. It’s a turkey that says, “I’ll play out in the rain without a jacket and wave my hair like I just dare care.” Plus I think it’s healthier than other deli meats. Don’t quote me on that, I’m just a Paul.

So, yeah. Roast beef is my preferred holiday meat.

When I was a kid, I always said my favourite food was pizza. And then in Grade 8, my Grade 3 teacher came into my class to drop off our time capsule that we put together five years prior.

Her first question for me was, “Is pizza still your favourite food, Paul?”

What? Is that my brand? Is that how I’m identified? How did she remember?

Apparently, in Grade 3, I had written on a sheet of paper that pizza was my favourite food and put it in the time capsule.

This is shocking to none of you, I’m sure. But in Grade 8, I felt attacked by this question. Just the way it was asked. As if I should’ve graduated to a more grown-up food to claim as my favourite, by then.

So for a few years I told myself that roast beef was my favourite food. How grown up of me! And it was. It is. I love it. The roast beef at Mandarin (maybe 6 of you know what this is) is my favourite.

But then I realized that pizza is my true love and I’ll name it as my favourite food even when I’m 100 years old, so it regained its position at the top of my food podium.

The roast beef we had last week was the best we’ve/I’ve ever tasted. It was just yummy in my tummy and I never wanted it to end.

I’d say it was restaurant-quality, but it was better than that. I’m going to start drooling any second.

If people enjoy turkey, they can enjoy turkey. I just can’t ignore how dry it is, even if it’s covered in gravy. It does nothing for me. I struggle to find purpose with it. Don’t worry, this post isn’t about to go down a philosophical road.

OR IS IT? This post has layers, okay. Pay attention.

Should I mention that I also don’t like ham, or would that be too many revelations? Oh well, we’re here now. I haven’t had ham in a long time, so I’m unsure of what I dislike about it, specifically, but I’m pretty sure I find it dry and salty.

Just like turkey, I like the ham from the deli, just not the big holiday ham that you cook in the oven and show off in photos, while it sits there, getting cold.

While I’m digging this trench for myself – bacon is good, but crispy bacon is disgusting. FIGHT ME. If I wanted to eat a shingle, I’d take a fork up to my roof.

I love lamb, though, if that wins any of you back to #TeamPaul.

To recap: I don’t like turkey, but I eat its cousin (turkey from the deli) multiple times a week. They’re cousins, right? Roast beef is simply the best, better than all the rest, better than anyone…I’ve gotten carried away here. Ham is just…ham. Bacon is good, but crispy bacon is ridiculous. Lamb, c’est bien.

Thanks for digesting this with me!

Let’s beef.

What do you eat on Thanksgiving, or other holidays where feasts are had? Do you also think turkey is dry? Should we form an alliance?

Bonus Question: What was your favourite food when you were a kid and is it still your favourite food?