This is it. Get a ticket, grab a seat, and say you were here because this is the final episode of this season of The Bachelorette. I’d say this recap is a rollercoaster, but it’s more like a raindrop making it’s way down a window – you don’t know which way it’s gonna go, but you’re pretty sure.
Before we start, I just want to thank Cass for helping me out with these viewing notes every Monday. This show is tough to get through, but knowing someone else was in the boat with me made it easier. Plus, when you combine our thoughts, it’s pretty entertaining and in my mind is 1) better than the show, itself; and 2) the best recap on the internet.
“I am the greatest. I said that even before I knew I was.” – Muhammed Ali
So, thank you Cass for your dedication and for always making me type things on my blog that I can only shake my head at.
Cass’ thoughts will be in BOLD. Enjoy!
NO NO NO NO.
I didn’t realize I wasn’t taping tonight’s finale & I just turned it on 20 minutes in & Tyler was crying…..
SOMEONE FILL ME IN QUICK
~ Chris Harrison welcomes us inside a studio, where he prepares us for doomsday by saying there will be: love, a proposal, betrayal, and LIES.
~ Batten down the hatches.
~ Back in Greece, Hannah is waking up and reading her Bible.
~ Tyler is off picking out a ring with Neil Lane. He picks one that is, “loud and proud”.
~ Jed picks out an oval-shaped ring because they can always come back to where they started. Oh, really?
~ “I feel like Jed is as honest with me as I am with him – that’s what you want in a life partner.” – Hannah
~ On the drive over to the final rose ceremony, Hannah starts crying and asks to get out of the car.
~ She’s walking down the road and trips over a pothole. HANNAH DOWN. HANNAH DOWN.
~ She says she can’t do this, while sitting on the road in her dress.
~ We’re back from commercial and she’s magically recovered and is now waiting for the first guy to show up. Someone probably read her the LARGE print in her contract.
~ It’s Tyler, which means she’s about to break his heart.
~ SOMEBODY CHECK ON CASS.
~ Tyler goes into his speech about how she’s the best and he wants to marry her. Is this necessary? She’s not picking him anyway.
~ OH, she listened. She just cut him off.
~ “I am so lucky to be loved by you…my life with you would be amazing…I love someone else.” – Hannah
~ “I wish you a perfect success with Jed.” – Tyler
~ And away he goes, crying in the car. It almost feels like he should float away in a hot air balloon instead.
~ So, she didn’t pick Tyler…..
~ I’m not crying, you’re crying (kidding, I’m crying).
~ YOU MESSED UP GIRL.
~ Back in the studio: “Can Jed give Hannah the love and trust she needs in a husband? We’ll find out next. (Insert huge glare of disdain)” – So that’s a no
~ Jed shows up to meet Hannah WITH HIS GUITAR.
~ So here comes Jed with his guitar….
~ We need a wrestler to show up so he can smash that thing.
~ Are we sure Hannah doesn’t like his guitar more than she likes him? Let’s go around the class and discuss.
~ Jed starts talking and she’s only holding one of his hands BECAUSE HE’S HOLDING HIS GUITAR IN THE OTHER.
~ Oh, now he’s going to sing a song. Fantastic.
~ After all that, Hannah finally tells him she’s picking him.
~ Honestly can’t believe she picked him over Tyler…
~ And here comes the proposal.
~ “Hannah….will you marry me?”
~ He didn’t even say her full name? Does he even know it?
~ She said yes.
~ I can’t even be happy for her right now.
~ Jed’s excitement level is about a 6.5/10 right now.
~ Hannah is about to regret all that “Mr. Right” stuff in a few minutes.
~ In the studio: “Hannah thinks she has found her soulmate.”
~ DUN DUN DUN…
~ “Jed is about to face the music.” – THAT’S WHY THEY PAY CHRIS THE BIG BUCKS
~ Time for the post-engagement stuff, we’re ready.
~ Now it’s time to pull the thread and watch this unravel.
~ We’re being shown videos of how happy they were when they met up after filming.
~ The second night after they got engaged, Jed told Hannah he was hanging out with “this girl” before the show.
~ A few weeks later, Hannah sees a magazine article about Jed’s ex that says he didn’t end the relationship before going on the show.
~ “Jed has muddied the waters of our future together.”
~ The Final 4 should all have to turn over their cellphone for the lead person to go through. This could’ve been avoided.
~ Jed is now going to meet Hannah at their hideaway house to discuss things.
~ I’m getting Becca & Arie vibes. Please let them sit on a couch.
~ Jed: “Missed you.” Hannah: (Silence)
~ THEY SIT ON A COUCH.
~ Jed says it never felt exclusive or like a relationship with his ex.
~ I’m going to call her, Ms. X.
~ They also went on a trip to Gallenberg, alone, and stayed in a cabin – for free.
~ This sounds relationship-y.
~ “And you’re not dating?” – Hannah
~ Jed says there was never a label on their relationship.
~ Fair play, label makers are so 1997.
~ So he is downplaying the whole thing with his ex-girlfriend.
~ Then Ms. X and her parents get Jed a trip to the Bahamas for his birthday, but the trip is on Ms. X’s birthday.
~ And then he gets offered to come on the show and he tells Ms. X about it. He tells her he loves her, but said it while he was drunk and regrets it.
~ This is disgusting.
~ But then he told Ms. X he loved her via text and phone call on the day he left. He had her believe he was going on the show for his career and would return to her afterwards.
~ Hannah feels humiliated and betrayed.
~ You know who would never lie to you: Tyler
~ You know who would never betray you: Tyler
~ You know who would never “end it in his heart, but not verbally say it”: TYLER
~ Ohh, I wanna play along!
~ You know who would never give up you, let you down, or desert you:
Rick Astley TYLER
~ Did I do it right?
~ She feels like he’s using her and their relationship for his career.
~ HE TOLD YOU THAT EARLY ON. WE COVERED IT IN THESE NOTES. IT’S DOCUMENTED.
~ LIES AFTER LIES AFTER LIES, I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.
~ Jed doesn’t want to cry on camera. Does he not know what show this is?
~ The camera keeps showing that Hannah is still wearing her engagement ring.
~ Jed keeps saying he loves her and wants to be with her forever.
~ “I want to be someone that you’re proud of.” – Jed
~ All this time he was pretending, so much for her happy ending. Bam, you just got Avril Lavigne’d.
~ “This (pointing to engagement ring) doesn’t mean the same thing.” – Hannah
~ She took it off and placed it on the table. IT’S DONE.
~ DAMN THE RING IS OFF.
~ You tell him, Hannah.
~ Back in the studio, Hannah comes out and the crowd goes wild,
but deep down they all think she has poor judgment and should’ve picked Tyler.
~ NOW THAT IS MY FAVOURITE DRESS YET!!!!!!!
~ It’s totally a, “You’re gonna regret being a dick to me” dress.
~ She’s recapping with Chris how she found out about Jed having a girlfriend.
~ Hannah confirms that she is not with Jed anymore. The crowd cheers.
~ Dare I say this opens the door for Tyler?
~ Out comes Jed to about 5 claps.
~ LOL only like 2 people clapped for Jed.
~ On average, 3.5 people clapped for Jed. The 0.5 didn’t clap their hands, but slapped their knee instead.
~ So Jed came out before Tyler, could it be what I think it could be?
~ Jed goes into a long speech where he apologizes to Hannah.
~ So if Jed’s ex didn’t speak out to the media, he probably gets away with this.
~ Jed says he will always be in love with Hannah. Easy there, Whitney Houston.
~ “I know you hurt me, but I’m not trying to hurt you right now.” – Hannah
~ “I’m sorry for both of you.” – Chris Harrison
~ Exit stage left, Jed.
~ She was a whole lot nicer than I would have been, Hannah handled tonight well.
~ “I don’t need a husband, but I want one…I’m hella strong.” – Hannah
~ IT’S TYLER TIME.
~ They’re getting back together aren’t they?
~ Her feelings for him “just didn’t go away”. How convenient.
~ Out comes Tyler and my ears just popped.
~ The place is going nuts for Tyler.
~ Chris compared this to The Beatles walking in. I’m sorry everyone, but this to me is better.
~ LOOK AT THAT CHEMISTRY.
~ He literally doesn’t have a bad bone in his body.
~ Tyler says some things about how he wanted to be with her. Hannah says their relationship just didn’t go away and “I still have feelings.”
~ “What are those feelings?” – Chris Harrison
~ I can answer this one! Her feelings are that she feels embarrassed for being the only one in the world who wouldn’t pick Tyler and wants to pick him now before they offer to make him the next Bachelor.
~ “You’re an incredible guy and I’m a single girl…” – Hannah
~ Told you.
~ HANNAH JUST ASKED HIM OUT & HE ACCEPTED, OMG.
~ She asked him out for a drink and to hang out. “Tell me when, I’m there.”
~ There wasn’t even a date card?
~ “I will send a date card.” – Chris Harrison. HE HEARD ME.
~ If Chris Harrison can “ship this”, we all can.
~ If I were Tyler, I wouldn’t have said no to her on live TV, but deep down I’d be thinking, “You chose someone else and only realized how good I was after you finally realized Jed was there for his career, and all the fans called you out on social media for not picking me.”
~ I’m way too into this. I need a new hobby.
~ In the end, Hannah didn’t find a husband. She found a guitar with no strings attached, ditched it, and ran back to the runner-up because the rules state that if the winner can’t fulfill his obligations, the runner-up will take over.
~ All is right again in the Bachelor world.
~ This feels like the end of a Santa Clause movie.
~ Oh what, DEMI WAS IN THE AUDIENCE?
It’s been a crazy night, it’s been a crazy season. I don’t know how we did it, but we did. Huge thank you to my pal Paul for inviting me back week after week. I’d like to say it’ll be nice to have Monday nights back, but Bachelor in Paradise starts next Monday, so yeah! We survived!
Thanks again, Cass!
And thank you to everyone who read these recaps! We hope you found them entertaining! If you didn’t, read them again. I promise they’re great!
Bachelor in Paradise starts up next Monday, but we aren’t recapping it. We need a five-month break to prepare for The Bachelor in January.
From outside the Bachelor mansion, goodnight.
(Hey, we’re technically outside the Bachelor mansion, don’t question it!)