This will be the shortest Bachelorette recap we’ve ever done because the first twenty minutes of the show is all we’re discussing. The rest of the episode was The Men Tell All which I refuse to sit through.
After a week away, Cass is back to make sure I don’t fall into this sinkhole alone. Her thoughts will be in BOLD.
I’m back, sorry for leaving y’all last week (very sorry Paul for abandoning you, won’t happen again).
Let’s get this going.
~ Chris Harrison is in front of a deathly silent studio audience because this show must be serious about everything at all times.
~ We’re now seeing footage of the Rose Ceremony in Greece, after Hannah sent Luke “home” last week.
~ Peter Pilot, Tyler, and Jed are wearing the same suit, just different colours. Are they triplets now? What’s going on here?
~ The overlapping audio is Hannah trashing Luke, which is only about nine weeks later than when the viewers started doing it.
~ That is one interesting dress.
~ I’m just so glad she finally came to her senses about Luke.
~ Surprise, he’s on his way back…
~ Cut to Luke in a car, filming himself en route to the Rose Ceremony. The studio audience is shocked he’s coming back. SHOCKED, I tell you.
~ HE HAS A FREAKING RING.
~ I CAN’T GUYS, I CAN’T.
~ Luke says he still loves Hannah and this isn’t over for him.
~ The Bachelor producers have (probably) convinced him to come back to talk to Hannah because they don’t care about how it’ll make Hannah feel seeing him again. They just want the drama.
~ Luke walks into the Rose Ceremony and takes his place in the
~ Meanwhile, off-stage, Chris is telling Hannah she has three men and two roses.
~ OMG she has no idea, omg my heart can’t take this.
~ This is all a set-up and Chris Harrison knows it. He’s an evil mastermind.
~ There’s probably a producer in his earpiece telling him that Luke has arrived and he can stop stalling Hannah.
~ Hannah is on her way…
~ Wow, she walked those stairs so gracefully, I would have wiped out.
~ Hannah arrives and sees Luke standing there.
~ “Why are you here?” “I need to talk to you.” “No.”
~ This is a script straight out of a Grade 9 drama class.
~ The look on the guys faces right now.
~ Pretty sure you can’t just wander onto a TV set if the crew/security doesn’t let you. They let him. He’s not crashing anything. He’s being permitted to torment her further. That ain’t right.
~ HIM PULLING THE COMMUNICATION CARD.
~ “I’ve already sent you home.” – The guys in line look relieved.
~ Go Hannah!
~ Peter, Jed & Tyler are trying so hard not to laugh.
~ The guys are now stepping in to create a buffer between Luke and Hannah.
~ STEP ON IN, BOYS.
~ Jed talking to him like he’s a dog. “Get”…”Go”.
~ Where’s Chris Harrison with a broom to sweep him away?
~ Oh, there he is. No broom. No pepper spray. Just a stern look.
~ This whole Luke thing is seriously a piss off.
~ “So, Hannah, what do you want? This is all up to you.” – Chris Harrison
~ Oh, shut your mouth. Don’t let Luke back on the show in the first place. That’s what she wants.
~ “I don’t want him to be here.” – Hannah
~ Thank God Chris stepped in, I mean it took him long enough.
~ I almost feel bad that they (probably) put Luke up to coming back for the Rose Ceremony.
~ Luke clearly just wanted to extend his stay in Greece.
~ “He has a ring in his pocket right now. He was ready to propose to you.” – Chris
~ He didn’t get the ring on his own. The show obviously gave it to him. What a set-up. Chris is twisting the plot.
~ “We just watched Luke’s shocking return, crashing the Rose Ceremony in Greece.” – Chris
~ Shocking? Crashing? You had someone drive him there and then allowed him in front of the camera, probably while wearing TV makeup that your crew provided.
~ We’re transitioning into The Men Tell All recap in front of the live studio audience and I have no interest in watching.
~ Shoot, Paul SOS. They stopped it for The Men Tell All.
~ That’s my cue.
~ Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to put wine in the fridge for next week, see you next Monday!
Next Monday is the finale. Next Tuesday is the two-hour After The Final Rose episode because this season insists on being a dumpster fire until the very end and they need two hours to tell us why we wasted our time.
Sorry if my tone came across as annoyed, but I am annoyed. Cass was great, at least.