How To Clean A Window

Hey, what’s up everybody!? It’s ya boy, Paul E. Wally Windows here to teach you how to get your windows looking clean, pristine, and virtually unseen. So, don’t be a fillet, let’s scrub that dirt today!

WHO’S READY TO WINDOW?

WE’RE READY TO WIN, DOE!

Righteous, that’s the spirit, my windoholics!

The first thing you need to do before cleaning a window is select a window. Do you want a car window? Do you want a bathroom window? Do you want your bedroom window?

The possibilities are endless! It doesn’t even have to be your window! It could be the second window at the McDonald’s drive-thru!

Today, I’m going to teach you how to clean your patio doors from the outside.

But Paul E. Wally Windows, that’s not a window. It’s a door.

False! It’s a sliding door. And you can see through it! Therefore, it’s a window and I can handle it!

First thing you’re going to need is a bucket. Get a bucket. Next thing you need is some dish soap. Put some of it in the bucket. Then fill up the bucket with water.

BAM. SOAPY WATER.

Then you need to find yourself a window washing brush with a long handle, that has a spongy end to it so you can squeeze out all the excess water.

Are you talking about a turkey baster?

NO.

Are you talking about a mop?

NO.

Are you talking about a…

I think it’s pretty clear what I’ve asked for!

Once you have your stuff, head outside! Those windows won’t know what’s coming…until you get there.

Let’s get ready to WINDOWWWW!

Step 1: Using the hose in your backyard, spray your patio windows until they are wetter than a child who fell in a giant puddle during recess because they were chasing a soccer ball and slipped.

Was that you Mr. Paul E. Wally Windows?

NO.

Ok, maybe. IT WASN’T MY FAULT!

Step 2: Dunk your window brush into the soapy water and then start washing the window by starting on the East side of the window, following a North-South, South-North pattern, while slow migrating your way to the Western border.

Once there, you may or may not have to provide documentation to prove that you are only there on a business trip. It may offer you a voucher for a veggie lasagna dinner, but don’t trust it, because IT’S A WINDOW.

DON’T LOSE FOCUS.

Step 3: Repeat Step 2 for the window’s spouse. Patio windows are always married, it seems. They always come with a companion. One slides, the other doesn’t. I think it’s an arranged marriage. I’ve never asked. Anyway, there’s two of them.

Step 4: Oftentimes, these windows like to bicker. So to keep the peace, there is a screen between them. It filters a lot of the nonsense and keeps them from bugging out. To clean the screen, you will use the same motion as Step 2, but do it gentlier.

You mean, “gentler”…

I SAID GENTLIER! NO, WAIT. MORE GENTLIER! DO IT MORE GENTLIER!

The screen is emotionally and physically fragilé (must be Italian) and you don’t want to put a hole through its heart with a window brush. Why? It screened you before you showed up. It knows who you are. Don’t mess with the screen.

I SAID DON’T MESS!

Step 5: Congratulations, windowmaniacs, there is soapy water everywhere! Grab the hose and wash it away!

Looking clean already!

BUT NOT CLEAN ENOUGH!

Do you have standards, or lanyards? Because if you have lanyards, you’re in the wrong place! Here, we have standards! So let’s act like it!

Step 6: Repeat steps 2-5, but with purpose this time.

I SAID WITH PURPOSE!

Step 7: Inspect your work. Is the dirt gone? Did you miss a spot? Is water dripping from above? Is there soot on the bottom, where the door slides?

Would you just really like to spray the window down one more time with the hose because it’s fun?

GO FOR IT!

At this point, you realize you’ve forgotten a few things in the house. You don’t have any windex. You don’t have any towels – of the paper, nor tea, variety.

You look around and realize there is no Tow L. Truck in your backyard, so…

Hey, Mr. Paul E. Wally Windows, do you mean a Tow Truck? Like for cars?

NO. A Tow L. Truck. Like for towels. We’re not cleaning a car window! Get with it!

Step 8: Scream in the house, saying you need towels and windex. Someone will eventually  show up, whether they live there or not.

Step 9: Today, we have paper towels. Rip off a few sheets and get drying! Be sure to get all the drips at the top, all the water at the bottom, as well as the droplets in between. Water is everywhere, so your towel should be too.

Step 10: Gently pass the towel over the screen door. Again, it’s fragilé (must be Italian). It’ll make a few popping sounds, but don’t be alarmed, it’s not making popcorn. You didn’t forget the butter in the house, also. It’s just drying itself. Nothing to worry about.

Step 11: When the windows are as dry as you’re going to get them, get that windex bottle ready to fire. It’s important to do this step quickly after Step 10, so streaks don’t develop.

THERE SHALL BE NO STREAKERS TODAY.

Make sure the wind isn’t blow in your direction, otherwise the windex will come back and hit you in the face. When you’re ready, aim, and fire at the window. A couple sprays at the top, middle, and bottom.

This is an equal opportunity window – each level should have it’s time to shine.

Step 12: Wipe the windex using paper towels.

Step 13: Stand back and admire your work! If there are any runaway drops of water, or windex that wasn’t rubbed in properly, handle it.

I SAID HANDLE IT.

Voila, mes amis, you did it! You cleaned a window!

Feel free to go up to it and make remarks like, “Wow, I can see through it more clearly than before” and “Birds are going to be flying into this, it’s so clean” and “Wait, is it time for lunch?”

And that concludes today’s window washing lesson! Most of you have been wonderful students! The rest of you don’t know what a Tow L. Truck is.

To the window, to the Paul – I’m drying off and signing off!

Thank you for your attention…to detail.