Hold on to your butts.
I’m flying solo this week, but I don’t recommend you try this at home. Watching this show without a buddy is like being in a horror film and running upstairs as soon as the killer shows up. It’s just stupid.
If Cass does end up joining me at some point, her thoughts will appear in BOLD.
I’m contractually obligated to say that in every post.
I’m not, it’s just habit. This is off the rails, already. Cass, come back.
~ We are in Crete, Greece this week, so they can talk about how great the culture is but never actually explore it.
~ It’s almost as if their stay will be Dis-Crete. HAHA.
~ Peter Pilot is up first and what the goat, they’re on a boat! Again?
~ I’m starting to think they have so many boat dates on this show, just to prevent real people from taking pictures of them.
~ Oh great, we get an extreme close-up of their feet as they lay together. Can we not zoom in on their elbows instead?
~ It’s time for dinner after a long day of exploring Greece! Oh wait, they didn’t.
~ Peter Pilot says he’s never met anyone close to the kind of person Hannah is, and flying with her was like nothing he’s ever experienced.
~ The couch they’re sitting on has about six too many pillows. Like, is it a couch or a pillow convention?
~ While I’m talking about pillows, he tells her he’s in love with her because it’s Episode 10 and this is the time you’re allowed to say it.
~ Hannah pulls out the fantasy suite card, written by Chris Harrison.
~ “Hannah & Peter Pilot, welcome to Greece, home of the whopper. This is your conscience speaking. Take this key to stay the night in the fantasy suite, which will be a room that only has candles, so let your “spark” burn eternal. – Your dawg, Chris Harrisizzle.”
~ Their fantasy suite is in a windmill. Ruh roh. If you’ve done your additional readings, you’ll know what “the windmill” means.
~ It’s the next morning and Hannah says she feels like Aphrodite – “the Greek goddess of Luuuv”.
~ If I knew I’d get the chance to put my Ancient Greek mythology knowledge to use tonight, I would’ve wrapped myself in a bedsheet and called it a toga.
~ I regret not making a Poseidon reference while they were on the boat. Oh well, there will be more boats.
~ Poseidon was the god of the sea, as you may know.
~ Whereas Paulseidon is the god of, “I don’t care, let’s fast forward”.
~ Time for Tyler’s date. He doesn’t look as tall in Greece as he does everyone else in the world. Must be the conversion rate.
~ “Greek god of a man”.
~ They’re exploring Greece by going to a spa to get a massage. Yay, travel!
~ They talk about how Hannah fit in with his family.
~ Hannah tells us that Tyler is that dream guy everyone wants to be with and she’s like, “Woah, he wants to be with me?”
~ This is where Cass would say that if Hannah doesn’t want him, she’s here.
~ The masseuses have left and Tyler is giving Hannah a massage.
~ You know how people make a house a home? They just made this massage room a sauna.
~ BOOM ANALYSIS!
~ Time for dinner and Hannah tells Tyler that she needs more than a physical connection with him.
~ *Insert Cass yelling*
~ Told you last week, she doesn’t take him seriously as the final one.
~ Now they’re hopping on a boat. AGAIN. Is this their fantasy suite? So, a windmill and now a boat. Does Greece not allow them in hotels?
~ It’s the next morning – they have breakfast, Tyler grabs his backpack, and heads off, as Hannah sits on the plank.
~ A backpack? Is Tyler in summer school?
~ I’m restraining myself from calling it a knapsack.
~ Time for Jed. If they get on a boat, I will be Poseid myself. As opposed to beside myself. It’s a joke. Laugh. I SAID LAUGH.
~ “So, we’re gonna take in the culture”.
~ In other words, they’re crashing a family gathering so they can dance and eat with the locals and say they experienced Greek culture.
~ “Together, you looks very beautiful.” – Greek man
~ The family asks if they’re going to get married and she explains that this week is about getting more time with her four boyfriends.
~ This makes Jed feel awkward and he pulls her aside to ask how she could consider being with someone like Luke.
~ Time to activate Paulseidon – the Greek god of fast forwarding.
~ It’s time for dinner and they’re still talking about Luke. Somebody help me.
~ So much for politics, religion, and your girlfriend’s other boyfriends not being appropriate dinner topics.
~ Hannah is frustrated that Jed is questioning her, doesn’t want to explain why she likes Luke anymore, and walks away.
~ I would also like to walk away.
~ Another dinner left untouched. HAVE YE NO HUNGER?
~ Oh, they’ve returned to the dinner table to talk some more. I can’t listen to this.
~ Summoning Paulseidon.
~ The fantasy card has been pulled out. Wow, they actually get a real suite. The living room is a pool!
~ Their bed is the location for the second pillow convention of the episode, attended by about 14 of Greece’s softest.
~ Jed calls this the best sleepover ever. I don’t think either of them have had any food for the last 24 hours. I’m genuinely concerned.
~ Can we slip them some cashews? Saltines? I’ll settle for cheesestrings, even though it’s the most ridiculous snack ever created.
~ Jed also leaves with a backpack. Does he have summer school with Tyler?
~ It’s time for Luke’s date and they are going to Santorini on a helicopter. What, no boat?
~ Hannah went from a boat ride, to a spa, to a family picnic, to a helicopter ride.
~ I get more of a Greek experience when I get food from Jimmy The Greek. Note: This joke may not be available in your country.
~ Hannah declares Luke the best kisser.
~ “When I look you in the eyes, I see my future wife.” – Luke, quoting the Jonas Brothers?
~ The first half of this date has gone so well, it’s as if the editors are preparing to drop a bombshell on us.
~ It’s also a harrowing reminder that they’re really good at controlling how each contestant comes across.
~ It’s time for dinner and they make a toast, BUT NEVER EAT ANY TOAST.
~ EAT SOME TOAST. GET SOME NOURISHMENT. YOU SPENT ALL DAY IN THE SUN.
~ Luke wants to talk to her about marriage and how “the marriage bed should be kept pure”.
~ Luke wants to hear her say that she’s saving herself for marriage and isn’t sleeping with the other guys, otherwise he’s going to self-evict.
~ I’m about to climb inside my water bottle and stay there for the next 72 hours until it’s safe.
~ Hannah is mad that he’s questioning and judging her.
~ Now would be a good time for a waiter to show up with food.
~ “Bologna for the gentleman and chicken nuggets for the lady”. – I’m preparing the script for when the waiter finally pops out of the bush.
~ “The closest thing I’ve ever felt to love at first sight was with you.” – Hannah
~ “You’ve broken my heart….and I’ve ignored the red flags.” – Hannah
~ It is now raining. This is pathetic fallacy at its finest. All my school knowledge is coming out tonight.
~ Hannah is just letting.him.have.it.right.now.
~ I believe that’s how the kids would’ve typed that out.
~ “I do not want you to be my husband.” – Hannah
~ BOOM, you just got Hannah’d!
~ Luke is dejected. D-E…J-E…C-T-E-D…DEJECTED.
~ She wants to walk him out, but he’s not standing up.
~ “It’s over, come on.” – Hannah
~ “Come on. Come on. Why won’t you come on? Here boy. Let’s go. You want the bologna? You want the bologna? Go get the bologna! Come on. Go get it!” – Again, I’m just writing a better script for this show.
~ He feels like she owes him a minute to explain.
~ “I don’t owe you anything at this point, don’t you understand that? I don’t owe you anything, please get up!” – Hannah
~ Luke says he sees a future with her.
~ LOL WHO IS HIS OPTOMETRIST?
~ Cass would be SO over this.
~ Luke is now refusing to get in the limo.
~ Can you be arrested for refusing elimination on The Bachelorette?
~ At this point, his camp councillor needs to just pick him up and carry him away.
~ Still refusing to enter the vehicle, Hannah tells him what she did in the windmill with Peter and that finally convinces him to leave.
~ Luke drives away and Hannah gives him the finger.
~ Hannah goes back to the table to
eat her dinner grab her wine.
~ It’s over.
~ Next week on The Bachelorette, Luke crashes the Rose Ceremony and Hannah yells at him.
And then it looks like the episode transitions into the Men Tell All reunion? We’re not making notes on that because our sanity is our main priority. If there’s a recap next week, it’ll just cover the Rose Ceremony.
In two weeks, it’s the finale.
So what’d I miss?
NOT MUCH, JUST EVERYTHING.
Sorry I left you on your own tonight Paul, but thankfully you survived fantasy suite week & recapped it for us all!
Survived and thrived! Barely. Not really. I’m ending this post now.
What are your thoughts on last night’s episode?