Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Hannah) – Ep. 7

Last week on Viewing Notes, we had a recap to recap the recap which recapped a series a of events that didn’t need recapping. This week, we’re going to bungee jump right into the action. I already regret my choice of words.

I’m joined again by Cass because neither of us can stop watching this dumpster fire journey to find love. Her thoughts will appear in BOLD.

Another week has come & gone, it’s Bachelorette time!

~ We are in Riga, Latvia, as evidenced by the eleventy hundred establishing shots the editors threw in.

~ The guys check in to their hotel suite, which means they have to immediately jump on the beds. Every time, never fails.

~ That is one way too modern hotel for Europe.

~ Rule for tonight: If the guys are sitting together and talking about anything, I’m fast-forwarding.

~ Tyler putting Luke in his place right now is the best way to start this.

~ Garrett is going on a one-on-one date.

~ Luke is jealous, but doesn’t think Garrett will get a rose. He “knows for a fact that no guy here feels about Hannah” the way he does.

~ NO LUKE YOU DO NOT KNOW THAT FOR A FACT, SHUT IT.

~ I’d honestly pay money to punch Luke in the face, just saying. 

~ THE SPONSORS CASS, THE SPON….oh what’s the point, the dream is dead. DEAD.

~ Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Don’t say it. “Welcome to Lativa!” NO HANNAH. NO.

~ They are in the woods. Garrett stares into a bunch of trees and says, “This is incredible, huh?”

~ Okay, he gets no more dates.

~ They witness a naked couple bungee jumping out of a cable car. And guess what!? They’re gonna do it too! Wow! WHO saw that coming?

~ “Explore Latvia” was a euphemism, right?

~ So, naked bungee jumping….what a way to start this episode off.

~ Oh great, they’re meeting the naked couple now.

~ This is the Naked And Afraid crossover we never wanted.

~ They have boarded the cable car in their robes.

~ The clothes have come off and away they jump, while wrapped in each others arms. If this doesn’t warrant a roundtable chat back at the house, nothing will.

~ They probably wore underwear, but the show still put a black box over their uhh areas. What am I even writing?

~ Sitting by a fire to get warm, they’re wearing robes again. Clothes are now optional on this show.

~ “I feel closer” – DUH you both just jumped naked.

~ It is time for dinner and Garrett gives a toast to all the “great sights” Latvia offered today. I told you “Explore Latvia” was a euphemism.

~ Dinner dates on this show would be more interesting if they ate the food and talked about it.

~ Back at the house, Mike, Jed, Tyler, Dustin, Luke, Connor, and Dylan are going on the group date. Peter Pilot is getting a one-on-one.

~ If you haven’t had a one-on-one yet, why haven’t you self-evicted?

~ Garrett gets a rose.

~ Oh look, there’s a random cello player on an empty street/sidewalk? and they stop to dance.

~ “Always dancing, never eating” is the new tagline for this show.

~ Back at the house, Garrett tells them about the naked bungee jump. Garrett re-enacts how he and Hannah were positioned.

~ “Who would wanna be naked with that guy?” – Luke

~ “I can’t wait to have a normal date with seven men, which is not normal.” – Hannah

~ They are roaming the streets of Riga because Hannah spent yesterday in the woods.

~ They’re in a food market, EATING AND TALKING ABOUT FOOD. They finally listened to me!

~ LOL Luke just complained about sharing her while on the group date.

~ Moonshine, pickles, and cheese…all the Latvian classics. Meanwhile, Tyler buys her flowers.

~ Tyler just melts my heart. 

~ Story Time with Hannah The Tank Engine (because they’re on a train): she tells them about the naked bungee jump date.

~ Luke feels uncomfortable that Hannah exposed her body to someone that isn’t her husband, but hasn’t told her yet.

~ Time for the night portion and Tyler and Hannah…uhhh…yup. This show does not think of the children.

~ Jed, I don’t like you right now. Stop playing the piano. 

~ Luke is telling Hannah that he felt uncomfortable hearing about her and Garrett being naked together.

~ “I felt like it was a slap in my face.” – Luke

~ Tyler is getting the group date rose and Luke is shocked it’s not him.

~ Time for Peter Pilot’s date. They are also in the woods and arrive at a house for a Latvian-style spa day.

~ Peter Pilot is wearing a wreath on his head, but it looks like a really big salad.

~ Hey Paul, Hannah’s nose is red again.

~ Why yes, it is. (Ahem…you know we can’t talk about this publicly, Cass)

~ The spa people are having them cleanse each other with plants and Hannah feels like she just got caught in a tornado in Alabama.

~ Translation: They are whacking each other with tree branches.

~ And off come the robes as they enter the sauna. The spa people come with them. There’s also a cameraman in there. Do they all want to share sweat?

~ The spa people finally leave and Hannah and Peter climb all over each other.

~ WHAT JUST HAPPENED…Did he seriously awkwardly just push her back down like that?

~ WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

~ This show is going to have an 11pm start time if they’re not careful.

~ This is awkward to watch…

~ Think of the cameraman. 

~ When that cameraman gets home and his wife asks what he did in Latvia, what does he say?

~ “I was third wheel in a sauna.”

~ Now they’re in a hot tub outside and Latvia continues to uhh, get explored.

~ Time for dinner and Hannah reveals she’s an introvert.

~ “I really am falling for you.” – Peter Pilot

~ Every time I type “Peter Pilot” I think of Reader Rabbit.

~ I’m trying to see what food is on their plate. Kinda looks like a waffle with strawberries, but it could be a puddle of apple sauce with radishes.

~ This show should release a food menu before every episode.

~ Peter gets a rose and they go outside to watch fireworks.

~ We have forty minutes left and all the dates are done.

~ Peter reports back to the guys and Jed takes off to find Hannah.

~ Jed is playing a guitar and singing outside her window. I’m hoping a neighbour screams out their window at him.

~ Hannah invites him in for another song. And then the music stops and oh…OH.

~ STOP JED.

~ EW EW EW, the sounds of them making out is gross.

~ Jed tells her he’s falling in love with her.

~ Meanwhile Luke & Garrett are back at the house & verbally going at it.

~ “She’s your girlfriend, but she’s also mine.” – Luke

~ That’s one of the all-time great lines in this show’s history.

~ Luke wants Garrett to promise he won’t make a big deal about this at the Rose Ceremony. No pinky promise is made.

~ “Sweet dreams, Luke.” – Garrett

~ These guys are just auditioning for soap operas.

~ It’s the next day and Hannah shows up. She pulls Luke out to talk to him. This is about the bungee jumping thing, of course.

~ Hannah is coming in guns blazing this morning. 

~ “You’re not my husband, you don’t own my body, you don’t own me, it’s my body.” – Hannah

~ Here we go, Luke just being all manipulative.

~ HOLY…Luke just said he would never “try to control her or her body”.

~ So many damn red flags with this boy. I lost count. 

~ Luke returns to the guys and tells them his conversation is between him and Hannah, and that he’s going to stay in his lane.

~ These people have no access to any automotive vehicles.

~ “Don’t text and drive.” – Luke

~ Next week’s group date is going to be bumper cars, I’m calling it now.

~ Luke better watch his back. 

~ IN WALKS CHRIS HARRISON. OH NOW THEY’RE GONNA GET IT.

~ There is no cocktail party tonight, the guys are disappointed.

~ 3 weeks in a row we have no cocktail party. 

~ THE BOYS ARE BITTTERRRR.

~ This show can’t have a cocktail party every week because 1) It would cost too much; and 2) They probably have an early flight to their next destination.

~ But it’s always disguised as, “Their mind is made up. They don’t need a Rose Ceremony.”

~ Time for the Rose Ceremony.

~ Jed, Mike, and Connor get roses.

~ Down to the final rose.

~ Will it be Luke – the guy whose story on this show probably ends in a more dramatic fashion.

~ OR will it be one of Dylan and Dustin – the two guys who were talking earlier about how they haven’t had a one-on-one yet. #Editing

~ Gee, I wonder.

~ Luke gets the final rose. I typed this before it happened.

~ NOOOO, Luke over Dylan, come on.

~ “There’s goodness inside of you and I see that.” – Hannah

~ The look on Tyler’s face is all of us.

~ Dylan and Dustin are going home.

~ The boys, talking each other down right now, is all of us.

~ Chris H. is asking Hannah what she likes about Luke.

~ “I’m either falling in love with Luke, or Luke is making me go crazy. I’m not sure which one.” – Hannah

~ Next week, they are in the Netherlands. Hup hup and away!

~ So, basically, Luke cracks next week. The million dollar question, will he finally leave?

~ I just want to mention that throughout this episode I kept hearing a ringing noise in my ear, like a medical thermometer was going off. This show is ruining my life.

I think I need to start watching this with wine, you okay over there, Paul?

NOT REALLY, CASS.

I’m going to need a trip to a Latvian spa to cleanse myself.

See you all next week.