Look alive, it’s episode five! This is when the show starts to feel like we’re crawling through molasses, just to get caught up in quicksand, but don’t worry, this recap will give you the joy and exhilaration of a slip ‘n slide.
Results may vary.
Always happy to have Cass here to provide her five cents on the show. Her thoughts will appear in BOLD.
We are back, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Don’t worry, I have gone back & edited out all the swear words this week.
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~ Starting tonight’s episode off with Luke vs. Luke.
~ We are still in Newport, Rhode Island, where the two Lukes have been sent to the Principal’s office and the rest of the guys speculate on what will happen.
~ These guys are just hoping Luke P. goes home because they want this drama to stop, too.
~ The Lukes bicker back and forth, while Hannah watches on with a face that says, “I knew I should’ve stayed home today.”
~ Luke S’ non-existent tequila company is getting a lot of publicity.
~ This is when you just send them both home, girl.
~ Chris Harrison ends the cocktail party and says the Rose Ceremony will start immediately.
~ He does this because most of the guys haven’t talked to Hannah yet, and the show wants all the guys to be mad at the Lukes.
~ Who is Devin and why is he getting “talk to the camera” time?
~ Right before Hannah hands out the first rose, Luke S. asks to talk to her.
~ STOP THE TALKING. FERME LA BOUCHE.
~ I’ve been watching this show since before I was born, if you have to call the bachelor/bachelorette aside while at the Rose Ceremony, you ain’t the one.
~ Oh wait, Luke S. is leaving! He’s going home!
~ Everyone’s just over here annoyed with Luke P.
~ In the
police lineup rose ceremony room, Garrett turns to Luke P. and says, “Good job, Luke, I hope that’s what you wanted.”
~ GARRETT WITH THE PETTINESS.
~ Holy cow, Chris just took a rose away.
~ Peter Pilot lands the first rose.
~ Connor gets the next rose.
~ Dylan, Dustin, and Mike get roses.
~ Kevin! gets a rose.
~ Devin? gets a rose.
~ Grant is granted a rose.
~ Luke P. gets the final rose.
~ JOHN PAUL JONES IS GOING HOME.
~ NO NO NO. How could you keep Luke P. over John Paul Jones?
~ At this time, we will observe a thought of silence for the departure of John Paul Jones.
~ This ain’t right. Chicken nuggets aren’t even that expensive. Do they think his absence will cut their catering bill? HIGHLY UNLIKELY.
~ John Paul Jones can’t leave yet.
~ Can we at least give John Paul Jones a montage of his time on the show?
~ “Luke P. is still here because my heart wants him to be here.” – Hannah
~ This isn’t about your heart, Hannah! This is about entertaining the rest of us!
~ John Paul Jones was an international treasure, who looked like a fool after the first night, but grew on everyone because of his chicken nugget obsession. It was relatable.
~ Hannah informs the guys they’re off to Scotland.
~ Luke P. makes the most sinister toast ever.
~ That was a seriously uncomfortable toast.
~ They have landed in Inverness, Scotland. Cue the bagpipes! Oh, look at the sheep run!
~ The guys are staying in a castle and feel the need to jump on every bed in the place.
~ Now they’re off to “bond” at a bar.
~ All the guys are hanging out & drinking & Luke’s just awkwardly left out. Lol.
~ In walks Hannah to surprise them. How did she know they were there?
~ Another toast. We’ve had three toasts in 28 minutes, but no butter!
~ She’s taking Mike out to explore Scotland. I feel like she needs to sign him out, or leave a note for his teacher, Mr. Harrison.
~ The guys in the bar are talking about being organically themselves. Their conversation topics are so dull, it hurts.
~ Awh, it’s so cute seeing how excited Mike is right now.
~ Mike and Hannah have arrived at a bookstore….and now they have left the bookstore.
~ They pop in to Mr. Simms Olde Sweet Shoppe and Hannah almost dies eating a sour candy.
~ This date is adorable.
~ Time for them to try haggis, at the urging of an Englishman, who admits he doesn’t “eat this stuff.”
~ “It takes me longer than the average person to fall in love.” – Mike, who must be unaware this show is only two months
~ Ladies, get you a guy that smiles as much as Mike does when he’s around you.
~ Time for dinner at the tiny round table that they must ship over every border because it’s on every one-on-one date.
~ It sorta reminds me of the tiny table they put on pizzas.
~ Mike is trying to open up, but he’s terrified of getting his heart broken.
~ He recounts the exact days he told his ex that he loved her, as well as when they broke up.
~ OMG guys, Mike remembers dates, that’s important.
~ Back at the castle, the group date card arrives and it is for: Devin?, Tyler, Jed, Dylan, Grant, Connor, Dustin, Peter Pilot, Kevin!, and Garrett.
~ Luke is getting a one-on-one. Good grief, Charlie Brown.
~ The guys are pissed Luke gets the one-on-one.
~ We literally have Luke sitting here telling us that he doesn’t even want to be here now.
~ He (Devin) just called Luke a, “Douche Canoe” – You can bet this is my new word.
~ Mike is getting a rose on his date.
~ To celebrate, they go dancing at a Scottish pub.
~ Time for the group date and a couple of highlanders join them. Their beards have beards.
~ This is a great group date bunch, like they are all friends, so this will be fun.
~ “Bow down to your Queen” – I’m dead
~ They’ll be participating in Celtic Highland Games. Out comes the axe for some axe throwing anddddd they’re all bad at it, except Hannah.
~ Time for wrestling, but because Luke isn’t there, no one will get hurt.
~ Back at the castle, Mike tells Luke that he’s concerned about what he plans to tell Hannah. I’m fast-forwarding.
~ The fact that Mike & Luke are alone in the house is scary as shit.
~ Mike giving the definition of a monster & reading this book is killing me.
~ Practice is over and the guys have changed into kilts for the competition. They are freezing because they’re going “traditional”. You know what I’m saying.
~ Let the Highland Games begin!
~ “Tyler is hot” – Yes, girl, yes
~ Peter Pilot always looks like he’s about to show up to a book club with a tray of cookies.
~ The wrestling portion begins and children are covering their eyes because the kilts aren’t hiding everything.
~ All these guys have no underwear on & it’s traumatizing everyone.
~ I bet Scotland’s National Tourist Organization didn’t have this in mind when producers told them The Bachelorette would help expose Scotland to a North American audience, while uncovering hidden gems.
~ Jed challenges Hannah to a fight because he “wants to be pinned by the Queen”.
~ The highlander announces Jed as the winner and he kisses Hannah in front of her other boyfriends.
~ I know what you’re thinking – yes, the children in attendance went home and asked their parents a lot of awkward questions.
~ Day has turned to night and Hannah shares another toast. Still no butter. #ButterOffAlone
~ Is it just me, or do all these mansions look the same this season?
~ Plot twist: The Bachelorette is filmed on the Disney lot in California and sets are re-used, which is why all the mansions look alike. This also explains how they get the same tiny table into every country.
~ I really like this dress.
~ Hannah awards Jed with a Land Deed. He is now Lord Jed and she is Lady Hannah.
~ Kevin! witnesses Hannah having, “Jed pinned down, attacking the shit out of him.”
~ Good heavens, someone get a referee in here.
~ Peter Pilot and Hannah are now on the pool table….uhhh not playing pool.
~ Holy cow, first Jed, now Peter. These guys are really going for it tonight.
~ That pool table is gonna need some chlorine after this.
~ Tyler is still wearing his kilt.
~ Oh, now Tyler and Hannah are on the bed. I’m going to stop typing now.
~ Jed gets the group date rose.
~ It’s time for the main event of the evening.
~ Really not excited for this one-on-one date.
~ “Be a man and keep our names out of our mouth.” – Garrett, warning Luke
~ Hannah is waiting for Luke at the top of a mountain. Is this her way of saying, “Get on my level!”
~ I like how these guys are convinced that spending one day with Hannah will let them know whether or not she’s the one for them.
~ A good date propels their mind to a long future with her. A bad date gets them sent home. There is no in between.
~ We go right to Hannah asking Luke why the guys don’t like him.
~ Luke says that anything he does, the guys try to amplify it in a negative way.
~ “I want a man that people are drawn to.” – Hannah
~ “Everyone loves me. I hate saying it, but it’s the truth.” – Luke
~ “That sounded boastful.” – Hannah
~ “It sounded terrible, I know.” – Luke
~ I think I need to go shove my head under a deck and yell, until a squirrel shows up. Then I’ll vent to the squirrel.
~ Another week of lies from Luke.
~ Hannah will never be satisfied with the answers Luke gives her.
~ I’m no genius, but I don’t think it’s supposed to be this hard, Hannah.
~ There is a chaperone on every date except this one? Where is the Scottish Dr. Phil?
~ He probably goes by, Dr. Philip. Anyone have a Scottish phonebook?
~ I just can’t talk about this right now. Paul, I’m leaving this to you.
~ Oh no.
~ Hannah is venting to the producers, who aren’t much help because they want the drama to continue.
~ Hannah wants to talk to him about normal stuff, like if he likes macaroni and cheese, or spaghetti.
~ I’VE BEEN SAYING THIS FOR YEARS. TALK ABOUT NORMAL STUFF.
~ Macaroni and cheese is fine, but only once or twice a year. Fight me.
~ “I just need the real.” – Hannah, on a reality TV dating show
~ “I want to not like him.” – Hannah
~ “Today was terrible.” – Hannah
~ Damn, you tell him girl.
~ Hannah is spitting out one-liners at record pace. Unfortunately, none of them can be used in a promotional video for Scotland’s tourism agency.
~ It is time for dinner and THE TABLE IS BIGGER THAN NORMAL. Just when I uncover the secret about their small table, they get a bigger one.
~ This is suspicious! They don’t even need a table. They don’t eat anything.
~ Remember when Arie broke up with Becca and it took up about 4 hours of awkward TV time? This date is reaching that level.
~ All these two talk about is whether or not Luke is being genuine.
~ “I love every single thing about you.” – Luke
~ “Are you sure?” – Hannah
~ This is so painful. I can see why Cass left this part to me. Thanks, pal.
~ “I gave you time to give me clarity and you didn’t. After today, I don’t feel good.” – Hannah
~ “I want to know who you are and I don’t.” – Hannah.
~ I’m convinced Hannah read these Viewing Notes before going on the show.
~ Oh my God. No rose for Luke & the beast might cry.
~ And that’s the end of the episode. You may all come up for air.
~ Woah, the preview for next week is wild. Luke is in a church, praying.
That’s a wrap on tonight. Thanks, Paul, for having me on again. Also, huge thanks to ABC for wasting another 2 hours of my time.
Only six days until the next episode.