Happy Tuesday, to those who celebrate! We have an unforgettable edition of Bachelorette Viewing Notes for you today. Trust me.
Cass is here again to provide her insights and force me to type things on my blog that I’d never say myself. Her thoughts will appear in BOLD.
We are back for another week of The Bachelorette! I wasn’t going to do it, but I am here & ready with a huge bowl of popcorn. Let’s do this.
FUN GAME: At the end of this recap will be a tally of the number of times the name Luke was written anywhere in this post. Cass and I have each guessed a number, the person closest to the actual number will win a prize donated by our sponsor.
Note: We do not have a sponsor.
Feel free to play along and guess a number. Let us know in the comments below how close you were.
~ The guys just woke up and are talking in the living room, when in walks the Grand Poobah himself, Chris Harrison.
~ Chris Harrison Sleeve Update: ROLLED UP
~ We are starting another week with Chris “attempting to scare the guys”.
~ Every guy in this room has the same haircut.
~ Chris tells them they’re off to Newport, Rhode Island and they celebrate as if he just said Las Vegas.
~ Uhm, what’s in Rhode Island?
~ They have one hour to pack and determine which hair product is their’s and which one they were just borrowing.
~ There is a whole lot of jean on jean outfits happening right now.
~ They’re checking in to Gurney’s Newport Resort & Marina, which has a 4.3 star rating on Google. Reserve your stay, today!
~ The first date card is for Jed. They’re going to Boston.
~ So Hannah is from Alabama, but she’s going to show Jed around Boston…okay.
~ *Insert Cass comment here about Hannah’s jacket, probably*
~ What, nothing? It’s a dark day in bachelorette land when I’m the one commenting on the outfits.
~ Hannah: “Welcome to Boston!”
~ REALLY? EVERY SEASON. YOU’RE NOT FROM THERE. YOU CAN’T WELCOME ANOTHER VISITOR TO THE PLACE YOU ARE ALSO VISITING.
~ They’re walking through the Quincy Market, which lasts for about 32 edited seconds.
~ OMG these photo booth pictures are adorable.
~ Now they are walking the streets and Hannah pretends to be a tour guide.
~ Every week, Jed just impresses me more & more, I really like them together.
~ At a bar called Cheers, they’re surrounded by Boston accents but manage to tell each other they like being around one another.
~ This week, we have untouched beers…PLEASE DON’T WASTE THE BEER.
~ Back out on the streets, they get some Halo Top ice cream and don’t even pay.
~ Halo Top totally paid big bucks for that promo, smart move Halo Top, smart move.
~ “Halo Top: A Taste of Heaven” – Don’t mind me, just subtly pitching slogans to a potential future sponsor(??) of these Viewing Notes.
~ Hannah has now taken him to the Boston Celtics practice court, where Jaylen Brown and Terry Rozier are waiting for them.
~ “Welcome to Boston.” – Jaylen Brown, a guy who actually lives in Boston. THANK YOU.
~ Now we have Hannah acting like she’s BFFs with Terry & Jaylen.
~ I like how the sponsor logos on their jerseys have tape over them.
~ Anyone else notice how everything is taped over on these jerseys?
~ I can’t wait to see Luke’s reaction to these jerseys.
~ But, like, can I have a personalized jersey too? Hey Raps, if you’re reading this, hook a sister up.
~ I like how we’re both asking for freebies tonight and didn’t co-ordinate this at all.
~ Jed thinks these are two of the best players in the NBA? They aren’t even in the Top 4 on their own team.
~ Correction, Jed, they clearly aren’t two of the best guys in the league ’cause Kawhi is King at the moment. Get it right, dude.
~ Jaylen Brown is now sitting with Hannah to ask how everything’s going so far and give her advice. He’s getting more one-on-one time than some of the guys in the house.
~ Jaylen is two years younger than Hannah.
~ This relationship advice is key, I’m taking notes over here, thanks for the pointers.
~ I have a feeling Jed must have played high school basketball or something, like how are you sinking all these baskets?
~ ESPECIALLY THE ONE WHEN HE WAS KISSING HANNAH, LIKE WHAT!
~ John Paul Jones reading out this date card right now.
~ Everyone is on the date except for Tyler and Jed, of course.
~ THIRTEEN GUYS ON ONE DATE. Time for each of them to self-evict.
~ Everyone is so ready to hurt Luke P.
~ Time for dinner. I think I see mashed potatoes, but it’s probably just fake food at this point.
~ HOLY MOTHER OF PEARL.
~ JED JUST ADMITTED TO COMING ON THE SHOW BECAUSE OF THE PLATFORM & HIS MUSIC.
~ THAT WAS THE MAIN ORIGINAL REASON.
~ BUT NOW APPARENTLY HE HAS A CHANGE OF HEART.
~ WE ALL KNEW IT.
~ He tells her that his mindset has changed and he’s here for her.
~ He gets a rose.
~ I was rooting for you to be different, Jed. I was rooting for you.
~ Omg, Hannah is gonna be the basis of all his songs for the next little while.
~ So is Jed here for the right reasons now? I guess we’ll never know.
~ But that takes some serious balls to admit he came on to get his music out there.
~ Time for the group date and the guys come running to greet Hannah.
~ “Welcome to Rhode Island” – STOP IT
~ They’re going to be playing Rugby. Yes, let’s go!
~ Rugby’s instant replay system is one of my favourites. I’ll explain it another time.
~ It’s blood, sweat, & tears time.
~ Hannah doesn’t want anyone to get hurt. Should’ve played checkers.
~ The thing I like about rugby is the respect the players have for their opponent. You won’t find it in other sports.
~ It’s about to get aggressive.
~ Luke, high school football is nothing compared to rugby. Grow a brain.
~ “Have fun & be safe” – Seriously, Hannah?
~ Survival of the fittest time.
~ We have Team Green vs. Team Blue. The game begins and we have high tackles all over the place. The ref is letting them play, though.
~ John Paul Jones aka Sunshine from Remember The Titans, scores a try but misses the conversion.
~ The score is 5-0 at halftime.
~ Kevin! thinks he dislocated his shoulder and is put in an ambulance.
~ Damn it, that’s how the ambulance comes into play, that was boring.
~ Kevin dislocated his shoulder, boring.
~ Uhh I think what my colleague here is trying to say is we’re glad no one got seriously injured. DON’T SCARE AWAY THE SPONSORS, CASS.
~ This show likes to have an ambulance on every season just to hype it up in previews.
~ Luke P. is scary obsessed with Hannah.
~ Garrett has a target on his back after that hug.
~ It took 3 guys to take Luke down.
~ Luke P. just picked up Luke S. and slammed him on his back, which was about 3 miles away from the play.
~ HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE HELL DID LUKE P. JUST DO?
~ VERY UNSPORTSMANLIKE.
~ SEND HIM HOME FOR THAT.
~ That should be a red card, but it’s The Bachelorette so he’ll probably get a rose.
~ So uncalled for Luke, so uncalled for.
~ It’s time for the night portion, so the guys will be talking about Luke P. the whole time.
~ And of course, she calls Luke P. away first.
~ “He is an unstable guy, he shouldn’t be here.” – You tell ’em, Luke S.
~ The fact that “unemployed” Grant is still here, is great.
~ Luke P. describes a sequence of events where he had the ball and Luke S. was swinging at him which led to the body slam. I don’t know, looked like the ball was on the other side of the field.
~ CALL UP THE REPLAY OFFICIAL.
~ Luke P. blatantly lying to Hannah right now.
~ Do you think she’s starting to realize he’s crazy, too?
~ Now she calls Luke S. over for his version of events.
~ THE FACT THAT LUKE S. JUST CONFIRMED HE LIED TO HER, PURE GOLD.
~ Hannah has turned into the Department of Player Safety.
~ “We all have a thing with Luke P.” – Luke S.
~ Luke S. says Luke P. also kneed him in the head. We’re gonna need more footage. Release the tapes!
~ Luke P. is the Brad Marchand of rugby.
~ I’m tired of writing the name, Luke.
~ I feel like I’ve written Luke way too many times already.
~ Now it’s time for the other guys – who are just there as witnesses – to give their version of events.
~ Imagine they had a rugby match and there was no drama?
~ Mike & Garrett giving it to Luke right now. I’m all for it.
~ Garrett tells Luke P. that he’s not okay with him almost hurting his friend today.
~ “I have 14 friends in the house & you could have seriously hurt one of them.” – Garrett, clearly leave Luke P. out.
~ Luke P. says Luke S. was coming at him with clenched fists. Maybe he was holding a nectarine. Ever think of THAT?
~ The room clears out until the two Lukes are the only ones left.
~ Holy cow, the Lukes are left alone.
~ “I never want to see you again in my life.” – Luke S.
~ Garrett is talking to Hannah now and says, “I’m crushing for ya hard, straight up.” – ahh Garrett opening up right now.
~ So much hostility tonight. I really hope we get a fist fight or something tonight, maybe another ambulance.
~ Ahem…we here at Viewing Notes do not encourage violence. THE SPONSORS, CASS, THE SPONSORS.
~ Pilot Pete turning the mood around for us, thank God.
~ Peter always looks like a pilot, no matter the setting.
~ “Hannah is everything that I ever wanted” – Damn it Peter, melting my darn ice cold heart.
~ Garrett and his red jacket are getting the group date rose.
~ It’s the next day and Hannah is crying because her feelings for Luke P. are the strongest and she doesn’t know if she’s reading him right. Just ask the cameramen. They know.
~ Hannah sitting on the pier – that is actually scaring me.
~ Her feelings for Luke P. are the strongest…. NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOO.
~ Someone move her away from the cold water, please.
~ Has anyone filled Tyler in?
~ Tyler C. arrives and she vents, but Tyler gives her a pep talk.
~ I’m going to say it once tonight, but I think Tyler is so hunky…
~ Paul is literally shaking his head at me & rolling his eyes. He thinks Tyler is “no brain, all abs”…but Paul, look at him comfort her when she’s sad.
~ I don’t know, I need to see him thrive in a situation that isn’t served up on a platter for him to be a hero.
~ He wants her at her highs & lows, & be the man for her at the end of this…I’m literally just melting.
~ They go out on a boat to catch lobsters.
~ “Butter me up, girl” – I will never look at buttered lobster the same.
~ “You’re dangerous in black” – I’d die if someone said that to me, my whole closet is full of black clothes, so it’s only fitting.
~ It’s time for dinner, which means the food will stare at them.
~ Hannah being all “I thought you were a player”…”I was wondering why he was here”…”I wanted to put a wall up with you”.
~ Nope, he’s just a regular dancing contractor.
~ Tyler is in a place where “he can give himself to someone” – hi, I’m over here.
~ I have tears in my eyes watching this date, but it’s because I swallowed some water the wrong way and am choking.
~ “Hannah & Tyler, goes really good together” – awwwh
~ Tyler gets a rose. I don’t even think they picked up a fork.
~ Hannah and Tyler are now attending a Jake Owen concert at a theatre, with a bunch of screaming fans who are just there to watch them dance.
~ HOLY SHIT IT’S JAKE OWN.
~ OMG, I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE. MY HEART.
~ I’m just over here singing along, don’t mind me.
~ They kiss & sparks literally fly.
~ I think I need a break after that date.
~ Alright, Tyler won me over tonight, but I’ll still be skeptical.
~ It’s time for the cocktail party and Hannah walks into the mansion to say it’s been a rough week.
~ Lions at the front door of the mansion, fancy.
~ Luke P. going on about how they all need to be truthful going forward literally has me laughing out loud.
~ Hannah is looking dangerous in another black dress.
~ Yes, Peter, let’s talk about Hannah & not the Lukes.
~ Peter Pilot is now officially asking her if she wants to be his girlfriend.
~ This could cause some drama.
~ “I’m here for Hannah.” – Mike. Drink.
~ Mike is going after Luke P., telling him he’s the cause of Hannah not being happy. Luke does not agree.
~ Mike is literally a national treasure!
~ MIKE FOR BACHELOR.
~ Mike reminds us of Culhane in Dynasty.
~ Every mansion this show rents out looks the same. Maybe it’s all the candles they bring in.
~ Kevin going on about how if Luke P. gets a rose, it diminishes the rose. Drop that mic, Kevin, drop that mic.
~ Mike & Luke P. right now.
~ Mike calling Luke P. out on everything right now.
~ HE CALLED LUKE P. A PSYCHOPATH, YES MIKE, YESSSS.
~ Omg can this get any better?
~ That is one amazing fireplace & fire.
~ Luke S. has a conversation with Hannah but she seems to have shut him down, thinking he’s only there to promote his tequila business, which isn’t true.
~ Luke P. says he will go tell Hannah that Luke S. is actually here for the right reasons.
~ LUKE P. TELLS HANNAH THAT LUKE S. ASKED HIM TO PUT IN A GOOD WORD FOR HIM, BUT HE WON’T DO THAT BECAUSE HE STILL DOESN’T THINK LUKE S. IS HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.
~ Here we go again. Luke P luring straight to Hannah again.
~ Hannah has been successfully hoodwinked. She’s now back to talking to Luke S.
~ Is she not trusting Luke S. because he looks like Nick Viall?
~ Why doesn’t Hannah just go take a survey with the guys? Ask them which Luke is the better Luke.
~ Instead, she calls both Lukes aside.
~ Both Lukes are feeling like they are in the red zone with Hannah.
~ Everyone calling Luke P. out on his BS right now.
~ Dylan with the, “I’ve never disliked anyone more than him”.
~ And the episode ends. No Rose Ceremony in tonight’s episode.
~ Of course we end with Luke P. having that crazy look in his eye.
That’s a wrap on this week, again I need time to recover. I don’t think I’ve ever & I mean ever, typed the name Luke so many damn times. I’m not prepared to continue typing it out.
FINAL “LUKE” TALLY: 60
STOP IT. Cass guessed 60. HOWWW?? I give up. I quit. GET YOUR VOODOO SKILLS OUT OF HERE. Oh my God. I’ll never hear the end of this. Never. I’m done.
Thanks Paul, for having me back this week & thanks for not getting tired of me yet!
The Bachelorette isn’t on next Monday, thanks to the NBA Finals. I don’t know when the next episode is. For all I know, it could be IN 60 FREAKIN’ DAYS BECAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE IS COMING UP 60.
Whenever it is, we’ll see you then.