Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Hannah) – Ep. 3

It has come to my attention that the 50th edition of these Bachelor/ette recaps was two weeks ago – the season premiere. What perfect timing! And I missed it. A whole fortnight has passed.

So, here’s a belated thank you for reading these recaps and going along with the hilarity within them! In typical Canadian celebratory fashion, we’ll pass around a box of Timbits for everyone to share.

And now, join me in welcoming in the other half of these viewing notes – Cass. As always, her thoughts will appear in BOLD.

It’s that day of the week again! Let’s do this, Paul.

~ Tonight, we are starting the episode with Chris scaring the guys.

Chris Harrison is giving a sermon to the “fellas” who are all decked out in their non-branded, TV-approved clothes.

~ CH Sleeve Update: Rolled Down

~ Jonathan, Matteo, John Paul Jones, Kevin, Jed, Tyler C., Mike, and Cam are on the first group date.

~ Is it just me or does John Paul Jones always look confused?

~ The men run down the sidewalk to greet Hannah. Mike picks her up like she’s Simba.

~ “Circle of Wife” plays in the background: Ahhhhh Za Hannah The Bachelorette-ah

~ These guys just booked it around that corner like they were running a marathon.

~ “Guys, I want a family someday” – Hannah has taken them to classes to learn all about pregnancy, taught by Jason Biggs and Jenny Mollen.

~ Lol, I love how they always say “my friends” when introducing celebs.

~ Does Hannah even know all of their last names yet?

~ Tyler C. doesn’t know much about pregnancy except that, “your belly gets bigger and bigger and the woman gets hungrier and hungrier”.

~ This is an interesting exercise.

~ Real talk, how does Jed know what a woman grows, like I didn’t even know it was placenta.

~ The men are now wearing pregnancy suits to see how it feels to be pregnant.

~ It’s time to change diapers! It’s time to rock-a-bye baby! It’s time to be a dad!

~ These guys better want kids, otherwise this is a scary damn date.

~ John Paul Jones is shaking his (fake) baby upside down, like it’s a wet bag.

~ JOHN PAUL JONES FLIPPING THAT BABY UPSIDE DOWN.

~ The final lesson will have the men experience a labour simulator. Kevin! goes first.

For those who didn’t read last week’s recap, I’m calling him Kevin! as an ode to the mother in Home Alone. Speaking of being a mom…

~ They are all in excruciating pain.

~ “Labour is like a blackout” – now I’m scared

~ Jed & Hannah are adorable.

~ John Paul is shaking & it hasn’t even started.

~ His reaction has me crying, I’m laughing so hard.

~ John Paul Jones looks like he’s having an exorcism. He also looks like Sunshine from Remember The Titans.

~ It is time for the night portion of the date and Hannah toasts to a “painless night”. GET IT? BECAUSE THE DAY WAS ALL PAIN.

~ Cocktail party number 1 of the night.

~ Jed swoops in quick here.

~ Honestly, I really hope Jed is here for the right reasons & not to further his music career because I really like them.

~ Jed has Hannah throw a chicken nugget off the roof and make a wish.

~ CHICKEN NUGGETS ARE BACK.

~ THAT CHICKEN NUGGET HAD A FAMILY, JED.

~ What a damn waste of a chicken nugget.

~ Tyler looks like he might punch Cam right now.

~ Mike opening up & talking about how him & his ex lost a child & he’s blaming himself for not being with her. My heart is hurting.

~ Cam keeps popping in to interrupt the most real moment on the show. GO AWAY, YOU BOOMERANG.

~ Cam interrupting this moment pissed me off even more.

~ LEAVE THE ROOM, CAM.

~ This is honestly the most heartfelt conversation & now Cam has interrupted three times – not once, not twice, BUT THREE FREAKING TIMES.

~ Mike kisses her right in front of Cam.

~ I’m just waiting for Mike to tell Cam to “Sit his ass down” in person. I will literally lose it.

~ Cam is still talking about bold gestures and says he quit his job to be here. Uh oh, spaghettio.

~ Jonathan comes in to break up the conversation and Cam doesn’t want to leave. This is so awkward and petty.

~ What goes around comes around, Cam. Everyone knows that.

~ Now, Always Be Cam goes to complain to Just John Paul Jones about Swoopin’ In Jonathan, even though Always Be Cam did the exact same thing but much worse.

~ So many nicknames, I need a tiny notepad.

~ John Paul Jones just eating nuggets & watching this awkward half stare down…between Jonathan and Cam.

~ At least someone is eating the food for once, thank God.

I’m starting to see the Paul side of John Paul Jones. What a hero.

~ At the house, Connor finds out he’s getting a one-on-one date.

~ Tyler just said he wants to be “her arm candy, supporting her”.

~ I just want one person to have the guts to say, “You’re great, but our lives don’t fit together”.

~ It’s really weird listening to kisses being picked up on the mics, it’s actually really gross.

~ YAY, Mike got the rose tonight.

~ Cam looks like he might hurt Mike now.

~ Alright Cam, let’s put this out there. You are not the first person to leave a job for the show, put your big boy pants on & deal with it.

~ Holy shit, we get back from commercial & Hannah is in an ambulance.

~ Hannah is now in a hospital room….

~ The date is cancelled, they’ll have a double header tomorrow but Connor is invited over to her hotel room to make her feel better.

~ I’ll bet $100 he shows up with flowers. I’ll bet $5 he shows up with chicken soup.

~ OH LOOK, HE’S GOING TO BUY FLOWERS.

~ Thank goodness ABC is footing the bill on those yellow roses.

~ OH MY GOD HE’S ALSO BRINGING HER CHICKEN SOUP LOL.

I’M TOO GOOD AT THIS.

~ I’m sure someone owes me $105. Fess up.

~ I like how the note says “door is unlocked” – it was slightly open.

~ Connor finds Hannah in her bed. She says she woke up and passed out and was pumped with fluids.

~ Cut back to Luke being all, “I’m here to protect her”. No stop, no one likes you.

~ “I’m so sorry, but I have to get back to sleep. Doctor’s orders.” – Hannah

~ They kissed a lot, so Connor will be at the hospital in about half an hour.

~ Connor leaves her a bunch of post-it notes around her hotel room. It looks like he used his foot to write them.

~ LOL Connor leaving notes was so cute, but his handwriting is awful.

~ New dating standard: be with someone that leaves cute notes hidden.

~ Connor talks like a hockey player who only knows the same three clichés.

~ We interrupt these Viewing Notes because there’s A MOTH FLYING AROUND ME.

MOTH DELAY

~ Alright, the moth has been dealt with. Shoutout to my mom for handing me her slipper.

~ Hannah wakes up and finds the notes of, “all the things Connor loves about her”.

~ At the mansion, a limo driver walks in and tells Connor his date is not over. This limo driver is coming for Chris Harrison’s job.

~ I like how “be sharp” to Connor is, wearing a plaid shirt.

~ OMG, the guys are saying he’ll get a pity rose, that is heartbreaking.

~ Connor gets a rose and now they have our first private concert of the season with Lukas Graham. I only know who he is because I clicked the info button on the PVR.

~ Back from commercial, Hannah tells us that Tyler G. had to leave. They give no explanation, but the internet has a bunch of unflattering reasons.

~ It’s time for the second group date and the guys are going to have a photoshoot.

~ Anyone else notice how Garrett was the only one not drinking on the bus?

~ Grant is way too excited for this photoshoot.

~ The guys think they’ll be posing with models, but they’re actually a combination of dogs, pigs, and snakes.

~ Insert product placement: The Secret Life of Pets.

~ Hey Paul, your girl Demi’s back.

~ I’m gonna let Paul take the reins here.

~ OH MY GOD IT’S DEMI. SHE’S THERE TO SPY ON THE GUYS AGAIN. AHHHHH.

~ I’M LIVING THAT DEMI-CHARMED KIND OF LIFE RIGHT NOW.

~ She’s hired actors to be the animal handlers and makeup artists. So smart, what a brilliant mind.

Shut up, I don’t wanna hear that the producers planned all of this for her. Lalalalalalala.

~ The spying reveals no bad apples, but that whole segment was worth it.

~ CRASH MORE DATES, DEMI. WE NEED YOU.

Alright Cass, it’s safe to come back now.

~ I’m back, Luke is so jealous right now. Jealousy is an ugly look, Luke.

~ At the photoshoot, Hannah needs Luke P. to “slow his role” because he wants to be attached to her hip the whole time.

~ Luke is coming on too strong.

~ Hannah is now talking to Luke at the night portion of the date.

~ The guys know something’s up when she pulls some aside.

~ HANNAH IS FRUSTRATED, YESSSS.

~ She tells him she’s irritated by his cockiness and that he doesn’t respect her other relationships. He looks like has no clue what she’s talking about.

~ He is starting to panic.

~ You freaking tell him girl, you tell him.

~ LUKE’S PULLING A CAM, I REPEAT HE’S PULLING A CAM RIGHT NOW.

~ Always Be Cam, meet Always Be Luke.

~ Luke is now stalking all of Hannah’s conversations, trying to get a word with her.

~ SHE JUST TOLD YOU THAT YOU DON’T RESPECT HER OTHER RELATIONSHIPS AND NOW YOU’RE PROVING HER POINT.

~ You can smell the desperation oozing off him.

~ Someone get him a cellphone so he can call it a night. GET IT?

~ This whole night is not about Hannah and the guys, it’s about Luke’s quest to talk to her again.

~ Peter Pilot is the only one having a meaningful conversation (that we see) tonight.

~ “That could be my wife right there, that really could.” – Peter Pilot

~ Luke just said he’s been thinking about going home, DO IT PLEASE.

~ OMG Peter got the rose, he deserves it after sitting in that hall with Luke fuming.

~ At the mansion, the guys are tanning by the pool and Chris Harrison shows up to inform them the cocktail party is cancelled, but they’ll be having a tailgate party instead.

~ CH Sleeve Update: Rolled Up

~ I’m so freaking happy we are getting a tailgate party, that is what this episode needed.

~ Cam tells the guys that he has something serious to tell Hannah, so he wants time with her first. The guys think he’s phony.

~ Lol Mike calling BS on Cam, this is why we watch this show.

~ Everyone honestly wants to hurt Cam right now & it could happen because there is so much testosterone flying with those footballs. 

~ Hannah wants a chill day, but Cam pulls her aside to tell her about surgeries he has had. Sorry to say, but this feels like a last ditch attempt at a sympathy rose.

~ Well Cam, of course she reacted well, she’s on National TV right now. She can’t react bad.

~ Oh, a segment about Tyler’s uhh…posterior.

~ Wow, Tyler’s butt is fantastic. (Sorry Paul, I had to).

~ STOP IT. Even though this is what makes these recaps great, but STOP IT.

~ Mike tells Hannah that Cam planned to tell her his story to get a pity rose.

~ We got plenty of football puns at this tailgate party.

~ Hannah is basically a teacher trying to manage a bunch of children. She calls Cam over to call him out for trying to manipulate her with his story.

Cam admits that he was writing the guys goodbye letters because he thought he was going home tonight.

~ LOL, he was writing the guys letters.

~ Oh Cam, homie you brought this on yourself, man.

~ It’s time for the Rose Ceremony, finally.

~ Hannah looks amazing, but what the hell is with that necklace?

~ This dress is meant to have no jewelry, especially chunky stuff like that. SO mad right now.

Oh yes, I too am equally aggravated about this obvious fashion faux-pas…..

~ The big Jed-y Bear gets a rose.

~ Tyler and his buns (HAPPY NOW, CASS?) get a rose.

~ Minor characters, Dustin, Dylan, and Grant get roses.

~ Who is Dustin again? I thought he went home.

~ Luke P. gets a rose after a week of scolding.

~ Garrett gets a rose.

~ John Paul Jones gets a rose. More chicken nuggets in his future.

~ I am so happy John Paul is staying. 

~ Matteo and Devin get roses.

~ Luke S. gets a rose.

~ Kevin! gets the final rose.

~ I’m so glad Kevin is still here.

~ Always Be Cam doesn’t have to go home, but he can’t stay here.

~ BYE BYE CAM.

~ Hannah’s not playing any games, boys.

~ And in 3…2…1…Cass will freak out about next week’s preview….

~ HOLY SHIT, the preview is insane.

~ Who ends up in the ambulance?

~ Who questions Hannah?

~ I have so many questions.

Never fails.

That is all for tonight, I need a week to recover from tonight.

Also, huge congrats to my homie Paul on hitting the big 5-0 with these Bachelor/ette recaps. You make these Monday’s a whole lot more bearable for us all! Next stop, hitting the triple digits!

That’s been Cass, I’ve been Paul, and we’ll see you all next week.

About Paul

I think of my blog as an all-you-can-read buffet. There's something for everyone and complimentary mints at the door as you leave.
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12 Responses to Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette (Hannah) – Ep. 3

  1. The Lit Biwi says:

    Paul needs his own TV show. Already.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Becky Turner says:

    Because I am who I am…

    ~ Chris Harrison is giving a sermon to the “fellas” who are all decked out in they’re* non-branded, TV-approved clothes. … *their

    The pregnancy thing sounds really weird. Like none of the couples at the end of this ever have kids, or even get married, because THEY BREAK UP ANYWAY.

    There’s no need to waste a chicken nugget. Was it a regular nugget or a dinosaur shaped one?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Thanks for pointing that out, I always hate when I do that.

      Plus a lot of these guys are in their early 20s so are they even looking at having a kid any time soon? Just felt like a date that was good for TV.

      Just a regular nugget. It didn’t its death.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I have to agree, you need your own tv program. I mean it would definitely be a hit! You detailed commentary, come on! Lol

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Toni Gray says:

    I seriously may start recapping episodes, this was great and fun to read per usual. My favorite part that actually made me LOL was “What a waste of a chicken nugget” bc I literally thought the same, why didn’t they just eat the damn nugget lolllll. When Luke actually had the nerve to ask what Hannah was wearing after he found out she was in the hospital…… I’M DISGUSTED– he is a pig and I can’t be the only one who was slightly disappointed that he didn’t flirt with the makeup artist!
    WHO THE HECK IS IN THE AMBULANCE?!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      This show is so much easier and fun to watch when writing about it. There have been too many chicken nuggets thrown on the ground this season! I like that whoever is responsible for ordering food has them eating like children. It’s fitting. Hannah is already on to Luke’s antics, so he can’t last much longer.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Kara's Kloud says:

    All I’m going to say is that Jed is a fine looking cowboy and if he and Hannah don’t work out, I might be sliding into some DMs…anyways…

    Every time I look at John Paul Jones, I think of Price Charming from Shrek and that needs to stop!!! I need to focus on my sweet baby Peter, not Shrek! Gosh darn it John Paul Jones, you’re too good for your own good.

    I’m so glad Cam is gone. I’ll kind of miss the creep factor he brought to the show, but I can live without it. I can’t believe I liked him at the beginning of this whole mess. I’m glad he showed his true colors and made me hate the letters “A,” “B,” and “C.” I’ll never be able to say the alphabet again without thinking of him ;/

    Like

  6. Barb Knowles says:

    I can’t watch this show. I can’t. But your commentary is priceless.

    Liked by 1 person

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