It has come to my attention that the 50th edition of these Bachelor/ette recaps was two weeks ago – the season premiere. What perfect timing! And I missed it. A whole fortnight has passed.
So, here’s a belated thank you for reading these recaps and going along with the hilarity within them! In typical Canadian celebratory fashion, we’ll pass around a box of Timbits for everyone to share.
And now, join me in welcoming in the other half of these viewing notes – Cass. As always, her thoughts will appear in BOLD.
It’s that day of the week again! Let’s do this, Paul.
~ Tonight, we are starting the episode with Chris scaring the guys.
~ Chris Harrison is giving a sermon to the “fellas” who are all decked out in their non-branded, TV-approved clothes.
~ CH Sleeve Update: Rolled Down
~ Jonathan, Matteo, John Paul Jones, Kevin, Jed, Tyler C., Mike, and Cam are on the first group date.
~ Is it just me or does John Paul Jones always look confused?
~ The men run down the sidewalk to greet Hannah. Mike picks her up like she’s Simba.
~ “Circle of Wife” plays in the background: Ahhhhh Za Hannah The Bachelorette-ah
~ These guys just booked it around that corner like they were running a marathon.
~ “Guys, I want a family someday” – Hannah has taken them to classes to learn all about pregnancy, taught by Jason Biggs and Jenny Mollen.
~ Lol, I love how they always say “my friends” when introducing celebs.
~ Does Hannah even know all of their last names yet?
~ Tyler C. doesn’t know much about pregnancy except that, “your belly gets bigger and bigger and the woman gets hungrier and hungrier”.
~ This is an interesting exercise.
~ Real talk, how does Jed know what a woman grows, like I didn’t even know it was placenta.
~ The men are now wearing pregnancy suits to see how it feels to be pregnant.
~ It’s time to change diapers! It’s time to rock-a-bye baby! It’s time to be a dad!
~ These guys better want kids, otherwise this is a scary damn date.
~ John Paul Jones is shaking his (fake) baby upside down, like it’s a wet bag.
~ JOHN PAUL JONES FLIPPING THAT BABY UPSIDE DOWN.
~ The final lesson will have the men experience a labour simulator. Kevin! goes first.
~ For those who didn’t read last week’s recap, I’m calling him Kevin! as an ode to the mother in Home Alone. Speaking of being a mom…
~ They are all in excruciating pain.
~ “Labour is like a blackout” – now I’m scared
~ Jed & Hannah are adorable.
~ John Paul is shaking & it hasn’t even started.
~ His reaction has me crying, I’m laughing so hard.
~ John Paul Jones looks like he’s having an exorcism. He also looks like Sunshine from.
~ It is time for the night portion of the date and Hannah toasts to a “painless night”. GET IT? BECAUSE THE DAY WAS ALL PAIN.
~ Cocktail party number 1 of the night.
~ Jed swoops in quick here.
~ Honestly, I really hope Jed is here for the right reasons & not to further his music career because I really like them.
~ Jed has Hannah throw a chicken nugget off the roof and make a wish.
~ CHICKEN NUGGETS ARE BACK.
~ THAT CHICKEN NUGGET HAD A FAMILY, JED.
~ What a damn waste of a chicken nugget.
~ Tyler looks like he might punch Cam right now.
~ Mike opening up & talking about how him & his ex lost a child & he’s blaming himself for not being with her. My heart is hurting.
~ Cam keeps popping in to interrupt the most real moment on the show. GO AWAY, YOU BOOMERANG.
~ Cam interrupting this moment pissed me off even more.
~ LEAVE THE ROOM, CAM.
~ This is honestly the most heartfelt conversation & now Cam has interrupted three times – not once, not twice, BUT THREE FREAKING TIMES.
~ Mike kisses her right in front of Cam.
~ I’m just waiting for Mike to tell Cam to “Sit his ass down” in person. I will literally lose it.
~ Cam is still talking about bold gestures and says he quit his job to be here. Uh oh, spaghettio.
~ Jonathan comes in to break up the conversation and Cam doesn’t want to leave. This is so awkward and petty.
~ What goes around comes around, Cam. Everyone knows that.
~ Now, Always Be Cam goes to complain to Just John Paul Jones about Swoopin’ In Jonathan, even though Always Be Cam did the exact same thing but much worse.
~ So many nicknames, I need a tiny notepad.
~ John Paul Jones just eating nuggets & watching this awkward half stare down…between Jonathan and Cam.
~ At least someone is eating the food for once, thank God.
~ I’m starting to see the Paul side of John Paul Jones. What a hero.
~ At the house, Connor finds out he’s getting a one-on-one date.
~ Tyler just said he wants to be “her arm candy, supporting her”.
~ I just want one person to have the guts to say, “You’re great, but our lives don’t fit together”.
~ It’s really weird listening to kisses being picked up on the mics, it’s actually really gross.
~ YAY, Mike got the rose tonight.
~ Cam looks like he might hurt Mike now.
~ Alright Cam, let’s put this out there. You are not the first person to leave a job for the show, put your big boy pants on & deal with it.
~ Holy shit, we get back from commercial & Hannah is in an ambulance.
~ Hannah is now in a hospital room….
~ The date is cancelled,
they’ll have a double header tomorrow but Connor is invited over to her hotel room to make her feel better.
~ I’ll bet $100 he shows up with flowers. I’ll bet $5 he shows up with chicken soup.
~ OH LOOK, HE’S GOING TO BUY FLOWERS.
~ Thank goodness ABC is footing the bill on those yellow roses.
~ OH MY GOD HE’S ALSO BRINGING HER CHICKEN SOUP LOL.
~ I’M TOO GOOD AT THIS.
~ I’m sure someone owes me $105. Fess up.
~ I like how the note says “door is unlocked” – it was slightly open.
~ Connor finds Hannah in her bed. She says she woke up and passed out and was pumped with fluids.
~ Cut back to Luke being all, “I’m here to protect her”. No stop, no one likes you.
~ “I’m so sorry, but I have to get back to sleep. Doctor’s orders.” – Hannah
~ They kissed a lot, so Connor will be at the hospital in about half an hour.
~ Connor leaves her a bunch of post-it notes around her hotel room. It looks like he used his foot to write them.
~ LOL Connor leaving notes was so cute, but his handwriting is awful.
~ New dating standard: be with someone that leaves cute notes hidden.
~ Connor talks like a hockey player who only knows the same three clichés.
~ We interrupt these Viewing Notes because there’s A MOTH FLYING AROUND ME.
~ Alright, the moth has been dealt with. Shoutout to my mom for handing me her slipper.
~ Hannah wakes up and finds the notes of, “all the things Connor loves about her”.
~ At the mansion, a limo driver walks in and tells Connor his date is not over. This limo driver is coming for Chris Harrison’s job.
~ I like how “be sharp” to Connor is, wearing a plaid shirt.
~ OMG, the guys are saying he’ll get a pity rose, that is heartbreaking.
~ Connor gets a rose and now they have our first private concert of the season with Lukas Graham. I only know who he is because I clicked the info button on the PVR.
~ Back from commercial, Hannah tells us that Tyler G. had to leave. They give no explanation, but the internet has a bunch of unflattering reasons.
~ It’s time for the second group date and the guys are going to have a photoshoot.
~ Anyone else notice how Garrett was the only one not drinking on the bus?
~ Grant is way too excited for this photoshoot.
~ The guys think they’ll be posing with models, but they’re actually a combination of dogs, pigs, and snakes.
~ Insert product placement: The Secret Life of Pets.
~ Hey Paul, your girl Demi’s back.
~ I’m gonna let Paul take the reins here.
~ OH MY GOD IT’S DEMI. SHE’S THERE TO SPY ON THE GUYS AGAIN. AHHHHH.
~ I’M LIVING THAT DEMI-CHARMED KIND OF LIFE RIGHT NOW.
~ She’s hired actors to be the animal handlers and makeup artists. So smart, what a brilliant mind.
~ Shut up, I don’t wanna hear that the producers planned all of this for her. Lalalalalalala.
~ The spying reveals no bad apples, but that whole segment was worth it.
~ CRASH MORE DATES, DEMI. WE NEED YOU.
~ Alright Cass, it’s safe to come back now.
~ I’m back, Luke is so jealous right now. Jealousy is an ugly look, Luke.
~ At the photoshoot, Hannah needs Luke P. to “slow his role” because he wants to be attached to her hip the whole time.
~ Luke is coming on too strong.
~ Hannah is now talking to Luke at the night portion of the date.
~ The guys know something’s up when she pulls some aside.
~ HANNAH IS FRUSTRATED, YESSSS.
~ She tells him she’s irritated by his cockiness and that he doesn’t respect her other relationships. He looks like has no clue what she’s talking about.
~ He is starting to panic.
~ You freaking tell him girl, you tell him.
~ LUKE’S PULLING A CAM, I REPEAT HE’S PULLING A CAM RIGHT NOW.
~ Always Be Cam, meet Always Be Luke.
~ Luke is now stalking all of Hannah’s conversations, trying to get a word with her.
~ SHE JUST TOLD YOU THAT YOU DON’T RESPECT HER OTHER RELATIONSHIPS AND NOW YOU’RE PROVING HER POINT.
~ You can smell the desperation oozing off him.
~ Someone get him a cellphone so he can call it a night. GET IT?
~ This whole night is not about Hannah and the guys, it’s about Luke’s quest to talk to her again.
~ Peter Pilot is the only one having a meaningful conversation (that we see) tonight.
~ “That could be my wife right there, that really could.” – Peter Pilot
~ Luke just said he’s been thinking about going home, DO IT PLEASE.
~ OMG Peter got the rose, he deserves it after sitting in that hall with Luke fuming.
~ At the mansion, the guys are tanning by the pool and Chris Harrison shows up to inform them the cocktail party is cancelled, but they’ll be having a tailgate party instead.
~ CH Sleeve Update: Rolled Up
~ I’m so freaking happy we are getting a tailgate party, that is what this episode needed.
~ Cam tells the guys that he has something serious to tell Hannah, so he wants time with her first. The guys think he’s phony.
~ Lol Mike calling BS on Cam, this is why we watch this show.
~ Everyone honestly wants to hurt Cam right now & it could happen because there is so much testosterone flying with those footballs.
~ Hannah wants a chill day, but Cam pulls her aside to tell her about surgeries he has had. Sorry to say, but this feels like a last ditch attempt at a sympathy rose.
~ Well Cam, of course she reacted well, she’s on National TV right now. She can’t react bad.
~ Oh, a segment about Tyler’s uhh…posterior.
~ Wow, Tyler’s butt is fantastic. (Sorry Paul, I had to).
~ STOP IT.
Even though this is what makes these recaps great, but STOP IT.
~ Mike tells Hannah that Cam planned to tell her his story to get a pity rose.
~ We got plenty of football puns at this tailgate party.
~ Hannah is basically a teacher trying to manage a bunch of children. She calls Cam over to call him out for trying to manipulate her with his story.
~ Cam admits that he was writing the guys goodbye letters because he thought he was going home tonight.
~ LOL, he was writing the guys letters.
~ Oh Cam, homie you brought this on yourself, man.
~ It’s time for the Rose Ceremony, finally.
~ Hannah looks amazing, but what the hell is with that necklace?
~ This dress is meant to have no jewelry, especially chunky stuff like that. SO mad right now.
~ Oh yes, I too am equally aggravated about this obvious fashion faux-pas…..
~ The big Jed-y Bear gets a rose.
~ Tyler and his buns (HAPPY NOW, CASS?) get a rose.
~ Minor characters, Dustin, Dylan, and Grant get roses.
~ Who is Dustin again? I thought he went home.
~ Luke P. gets a rose after a week of scolding.
~ Garrett gets a rose.
~ John Paul Jones gets a rose. More chicken nuggets in his future.
~ I am so happy John Paul is staying.
~ Matteo and Devin get roses.
~ Luke S. gets a rose.
~ Kevin! gets the final rose.
~ I’m so glad Kevin is still here.
~ Always Be Cam doesn’t have to go home, but he can’t stay here.
~ BYE BYE CAM.
~ Hannah’s not playing any games, boys.
~ And in 3…2…1…Cass will freak out about next week’s preview….
~ HOLY SHIT, the preview is insane.
~ Who ends up in the ambulance?
~ Who questions Hannah?
~ I have so many questions.
~ Never fails.
That is all for tonight, I need a week to recover from tonight.
Also, huge congrats to my homie Paul on hitting the big 5-0 with these Bachelor/ette recaps. You make these Monday’s a whole lot more bearable for us all! Next stop, hitting the triple digits!
That’s been Cass, I’ve been Paul, and we’ll see you all next week.