Welcome back to another life-changing edition of viewing notes for episode two of The Bachelorette. This week, we learn the ABCs of love which DEF-initely brings out the alpha-bet obsessed nature of one contestant, while another contestant is just plain old obsessed.
So, grab a chicken nugget and get ready to profess your love to someone you met two days ago because the best Bachelorette recap on the internet begins….in about 4.3 seconds.
As always, I’m happy to have Cass joining me to add her thoughts, which will appear in BOLD. One of us leans on the Caps Lock button a lot tonight. Place your bets now.
Week 2, let’s do this!
~ Hannah is rapping because she’s not like the former bachelorettes and this show wants to hammer home their thesis statement.
~ Hannah trying to rap was pretty weird, I could have done without it.
~ The guys have moved into the mansion and are fully clothed in neutral coloured, non-branded shirts. We call this look, “The Boyfriend Who Dresses Too Fancy In Their Own House”.
~ Reason #146 why I’ll never be on this show: I’m currently wearing a neon yellow shirt and could be mistaken for Charlie Brown.
~ Luke is so fake, like dude stop. You just met her.
~ Chris Harrison saunters into the living room with a date card in his hand and an, “It’s too early for this” look on his face.
~ CH Sleeve Watch: Rolled UP
~ Group date time already, so ready for this.
~ Grant, Luke S., Mike, Jed, Jonathan, John Paul Jones, Dylan, and Luke P. are on the first group date.
~ The eight lookalikes meet Hannah at a theatre where they will be competing in the Mr. Right Pageant. Miss J is there, too. I don’t know who that is.
~ OMG IT’S MISS J.
~ Chris Harrison is there in a tuxedo to host the Pageant. Was Steve Harvey not available?
~ CH Sleeve Watch: Rolled DOWN
~ They are competing in a talent portion as well as a runway portion, where they will wear a speedo.
~ Correction: The speedo will wear them.
~ I really don’t want to see these guys in speedos.
~ Mike is walking in those heels like he was born to.
~ Drag Superstars, Alyssa and Alaska, will be judges along with Miss J.
~ This Mr. Right Pageant is going to be great.
~ They start with the men walking the runway in their speedos. I’ll defer to Cass for commentary on this.
~ It’s speedo time, I’m not ready for this.
~ Team Magic Mike.
~ Jed in the cowboy boots might have won that walk.
~ Luke walked that like he’s a totally hardcore gym douche.
~ Talent time, let’s go boys.
~ John Paul Jones is on a unicycle. This is the most logical thing I’ve ever seen on this show.
~ Nick Viall’s lookalike plays a trumpet(?) terribly. Stick to the recorder.
~ Jed & his guitar just ended this competition.
~ WHAT IS LUKE DOING?
~ STOP, THIS IS A TALENT COMPETITION.
~ Luke P. doesn’t have a talent, so he gets on the microphone and tells Hannah that he’s starting to fall in love with her. And then he goes to kiss her.
~ YOU CAN’T PROFESS YOUR LOVE ON DATE ONE.
~ IT’S EPISODE TWO. PULL THE ALARM. EVACUATE THE BUILDING. SEND IN THE HAZMAT TEAM. WE CANNOT HAVE THESE FEELINGS IN THE AIR AT THIS POINT IN THE PROCESS.
~ Luke P. is named Mr. Right because of course.
~ Like, how in the hell did Luke win Mr. Right?
~ You got it Jed, the rose does mean more than that Mr. Right title.
~ It’s time for the night portion of the date and they’re sitting around a fire like they always do.
~ Luke P. steals her away first, so the guys can talk about him when he’s not there.
~ All the guys are making digs at Luke.
~ I love the pettiness.
~ Hannah wonders how he’s already falling in love with her when they’ve only known each other for 48 hours.
~ Luke developed a connection with her before he met her…IS THAT POSSIBLE?
~ “Luke P. told me he’s starting to fall in love with me and I believe him.” – Hannah
~ I’m getting serious creeper vibes, send him home girl.
~ I still say he’s gone by Episode 5 because she couldn’t “get there” with him.
~ OMG she just said Luke says everything she wants to hear.
~ Mike just called Luke a dog, you tell him Mike.
~ Guys can be so petty, I love it.
~ The first one-on-one date goes to Tyler G., who is he again?
~ The group date rose is going to Jed, who is a third generation Nick Viall lookalike.
~ Jed better be the one who gives musicians a good name, finally.
~ Jed deserves that rose today!
~ It’s time for the one-on-one date with Tyler G. and a helicopter is picking them up in the driveway, which means a tornado is touching down. BOARD UP THE WINDOWS.
~ Hannah wearing a whole white outfit…good luck girl.
~ She just said that “Tyler is like Tim Tebow but hotter” – I’m dying because I now see the resemblance.
~ They’re going to ride some ATVs and sling some mud.
~ SHE IS ABOUT TO GO ATV-ING IN ALL WHITE.
~ That looked like a real fun date.
~ It’s time for dinner at the Hollywood Roosevelt and for the first time this season, the tiny round dinner table makes an appearance.
~ I can’t unsee the Tim Tebow thing.
~ I didn’t really listen to what they were talking about because I was too busy trying to come up with a tiny table joke. I’d share it with you, but there’s NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
~ I like that we’re getting to know Tyler G.
~ Back at Harrison Manor, the next date card is for: Devin, Matteo, Daron, Connor J., Kevin, Dustin, Tyler C., Joey, Peter Pilot, and Garrett.
~ Three guys aren’t on a date this week. One of them is Mr. ABC – Always Be Cam.
~ Cam is spitting crazy thoughts.
~ Hannah is giving Tyler G. a rose.
~ It is time for Group Date Numero Deux and everyone is in athletic clothes.
~ They’re at a roller rink! This is awesome.
~ It’s roller derby time.
~ This is like short track speed skating, except contact is encouraged. I think. I hope.
~ I love Hannah’s shorts, where can I find those?
~ The guys are falling all over the place.
~ This looks kinda boring.
~ Back to Cam with his harmonica solo.
~ Chris Harrison is there with Fred Willard to call the action for The Bachelorettes Derby Dudes Derby.
~ CH Sleeve Update: Rolled DOWN
~ It’s the orange team vs. the green team.
~ Start the derby!
~ The green team is having issues.
~ Wow, bodies are falling everywhere.
~ Dustin has been injured. He’s episode-to-episode with a sore ankle.
~ What a complicated sport. Couldn’t they just go play laser tag?
~ How do you find out who wins?
~ The green team won, if anyone cares.
~ It’s time for dinner at Big Daddy’s. I don’t name the restaurants, don’t look at me.
~ She tells Dustin that his subtle energy is noticed. He’s going to go to sleep tonight like, “Yes! She notices my subtle energy! I’ll keep that up, but not too much.”
~ Peter seems like the sweetest guy.
~ What is going on with Garrett’s hair?
~ Holy shit.
~ CAM JUST SHOWED UP AT THE GROUP DATE.
~ ABC is here!
~ “Howdy howdy, y’all.” – Cam
~ Like dude, you can’t just show up like that.
~ Cam brought her flowers, which means he had his driver make a detour to a grocery store that was open late, before dropping him off.
~ The rules of The Bachelorette clearly state that you must share one (1) girlfriend with 29 other men and only go on the dates that are assigned to you, as written on the date cards by an intern.
~ Hannah says this is “a good surprise”.
~ I no longer know what “a good surprise” is.
~ Our dancing contractor is pissed, let’s get him dancing.
~ Hannah is trying so hard to let him down easy & then that kiss just threw that off.
~ Cam is talking to the camera and is being interrupted by guys who are on the date, who aren’t happy he’s there to steal time from them.
~ Tyler creeping up on Cam right now is the best thing yet.
~ & now Garrett creeps up on him.
~ & Kevin is now talking to Cam.
~ Cam is now fielding more one-on-one conversations than Hannah.
~ This keeps getting better & better.
~ The group date rose goes to Dustin.
~ Back in the mansion for the cocktail party, Hannah starts crying during the toast. At least, I think this is a toast…
~ There are too many toasts on this show.
~ Mike coming in with the, “Can we get her some Kleenex?”
~ Connor S. (I think) takes her outside.
~ Connor S. swooping in quick there, just trying to make up for not getting a date.
~ But, she just said she feels good about where they’re at so that makes up for it.
~ I’m changing ABC from “Always Be Cam” to “Always Be Cass”.
~ Woah woah woah, I want in on this fun.
~ NOP – Never Overhaul Paul. I don’t know what that means.
~ Kevin and Hannah let out some screams, when Cam swoops in and brings them to a rose-shaped heart, where he wants to eat chicken nuggets with them.
~ I feel so bad for Kevin.
~ Cam needs to stop, he is getting so creepy.
~ SNACK TIME. IS. OVER. Don’t know why I yelled that.
~ KEVIN THREW NUGGETS AT CAM.
~ FOOD FRIGHT! (I’m just assuming the nuggets are frightened)
~ I CAN’T RIGHT NOW, I JUST CAN’T.
~ Tyler The Contractor is now joining her in the heart, set up on the ground outside.
~ Tyler C. is locked in apparently.
~ In an alternate universe, Tyler is a greaser in The Outsiders.
~ In another alternate universe, Tyler is a member of Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, and sings certain parts of “Sherry”.
~ I do like Tyler C., I just don’t know if I trust him after creepin’ his Insta hardcore last week.
~ Luke P. is giving her a massage in a room that has candles on the wall. I’m going to refrain from making a “heating up” joke.
~ LUKE WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WHAT IS GOING ON?
~ STOP, PLEASE DON’T SAY THIS IS A SNEAK PEAK.
~ I’M GOING TO BE SICK.
~ DON’T TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF HANNAH, IT’S A GAME.
~ DON’T DO IT.
~ Luke takes his shirt off and Jed walks in and asks, “What’s going on?” because the dad of the show, Chris Harrison, wasn’t available to deliver that line himself.
~ I WILL NEVER LOOK AT DESERT THE SAME, LUKE P. IS NOT DESERT.
~ I’m so glad Jed walked in & almost stopped that.
~ Hannah goes to talk to Jed and they laugh about it. He’ll have trouble sleeping later.
~ Side note: Jed is in 3 different shades of white right now.
~ It is time for the Rose Ceremony.
~ I am so nervous.
~ Tyler The Contractor, greaser, newest member of the band, & his pastels get the first rose.
~ Garrett & his hair got the second rose & they are staying.
~ Devon, and Connor S. get roses.
~ Luke P. gets a rose.
~ Dylan, Luke S., and Mike get roses.
~ Honestly, how could she give both Lukes a rose? That seems wrong.
~ But on the bright side, Mike got a rose!
~ Peter Pilot lands a rose.
~ Kevin! gets a rose. From here on out I’ll be saying his name like the mother in Home Alone when she remembers she forgot her son at home. Kevin!
~ Jonathan, Joey, and Matteo get roses.
~ Joey needs to fix his eyebrows, I cringe every time they do a close up.
~ John Paul Jones gets a rose.
~ Grant gets a rose.
~ This Rose Ceremony is making me realize that tonight’s episode was only focussed around about four people.
~ Always Be Cam gets the final rose.
~ WHY WOULD YOU KEEP CAM?
~ Hannah likes guys who make bold moves, so Cam continues to be bold by making a toast, “To my future best friend, Ms. Hannah (whatever his last name is).”
~ “Gotta be bold, fellas, gotta be bold.” – Cam, completely unaware
~ That was a bad toast, Cam.
~ In a world full of bold, be an italic. He’ll be gone next week.
~ Hannah walks away to give an interview to the producers and Luke P. follows her.
~ WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LUKE?
~ WHAT IS GOING ON?
~ DON’T SIT ON HIS LAP.
~ STOP THIS, STOP.
~ At this rate, these two are going to have grandchildren by the finale.
~ When they say, “Everything I’m telling you is 100% real” it probably isn’t.
~ Luke P. always gets background music like he’s the villain in Scooby-Doo, who’s pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes. The editors are sending subliminal messages to our ears.
~ YOU CAN’T TRUST HIM, HANNAH.
Wow, that was one stressful week. I feel like I need a glass of wine after that. To make things worse, next week looks even more stressful.
Again, thank you so much for having me Paul. It’s always a total honour!
See you all next week!
I have nothing to add!
What did you think of this week’s episode?