Low Sodium Crackers

In Junior Kindergarten, my mom sent me to school with a container of Ritz Bits crackers and chopped up blocks of mozzarella cheese for snack time.

There were always too many crackers and not enough cheese. So, being the problem solver that I was at age 4, I used a cracker as a knife and cut the cheese blocks in half.

Yeah, I taught myself how to multiply by using food. Are we surprised?

Having more blocks of cheese was important for my ratio because I would make crackers and cheese sandwiches. I’d put a piece of cheese between two crackers and then put it in my mouth. It just seemed logical.

My mom never knew I did this. She just thought I was picking up one piece of food at a time and eating it like a 4-year-old. Nope. I was a chef in training. My brilliance could not be contained.

To this day, if I’m ever having crackers and cheese, I’ll make them into mini sandwiches.

Fast forward to today.

I poured out seven Ritz crackers for myself. Why seven, you ask? Sorry, I’m not taking questions. They were not bits. They were full-blown crackers. If a loonie ($1 coin in Canada) and a toonie ($2 coin in Canada) had a kid, it would grow up to be the size of this cracker.

The kid would be named Cloonie, by the way.

Then I got out the peanut butter and put a small wallop on a plate, so I could dip the crackers in it.

If the title of this post didn’t give it away, the crackers were low sodium crackers.

Lo-So-Cra, if you will.

Alright, low in sodium. That means they’re not going to have as much salt as normal. Fine with me. I’m just here for the peanut butter, if we’re being honest.

Side note: Is there anything worse than trying to wash peanut butter off a plate/spoon/spreader in the sink with hot water? The smell of warm peanut butter bothers me.

I finish the crackers and peanut butter and realize my mouth is not okay. I was promised low sodium crackers and yet here I was, with a mouth full of salt.

You want to know where salt trucks go in the summer? MY MOUTH.

I’m not kidding, it felt like a salt truck had done laps in there, up and down the T-28 highway.

T-28 stands for Tongue and 28 teeth. I think I have 28 teeth…? My 4 wise ones got pulled a long time ago and the remaining ones don’t know how to do math. Don’t judge, they’re sensitive.

And just so we’re clear, I’m not bashing Ritz crackers. I’ll eat them until they eat me. However, the salt content on these low sodium crackers was way too high.

I realize I sound like I’m 134-years-old, but what else is new? 

Brushing my teeth (twice) did nothing to alleviate my salty mouth. For the longest time, it felt like I had to regurgitate small food chunks, but I didn’t. It was just an aggravated throat and formation of little white whatchamacallits that form when you’ve had too much salt.

Word of advice: Never look up mouth ailments on Google Images. Just don’t do it.

Those seven crackers were powerful. I’ve never experienced anything like it. I can still taste them on my lips, no matter how many times I wash them. Heck, you can remove my lips from my face (just call me Mr. Paultato Head) and I’ll still feel the salt.

A few hours later, I figured I’d gargle saltwater. Oh what fun it is to gargle in a one mouth open sleigh, or something.

I filled up a glass with warm water, sprinkled some salt, and braced myself. It wasn’t that bad and for a while, I thought it had worked.

As I’m writing this, I’m realizing it might not have worked entirely as my throat now seems to be sore. Maybe I’ll gargle an ice cube tomorrow.

I’m kidding. Don’t do that. Do not gargle ice cubes.

How do I feel? I feel betrayed. Wouldn’t you? The box says one thing, you taste another.

Again, I’m not bashing Ritz. Love you, Ritzy. I’m just saying their low sodium crackers had too much salt and if it weren’t for my tongue pulling the alarm, my teeth would not have gotten out safely.

I’m losing my mind.

Anyway, that’s my story. This post started so wholesome and then it took a turn at “regurgitate small food chunks”.

Sorry, I don’t control what I type.

Thanks for reading.

Have you ever made crackers and cheese sandwiches?
Have you ever had anything really salty? What was it?
What snacks did you bring to school as a kid?