Low Sodium Crackers

In Junior Kindergarten, my mom sent me to school with a container of Ritz Bits crackers and chopped up blocks of mozzarella cheese for snack time.

There were always too many crackers and not enough cheese. So, being the problem solver that I was at age 4, I used a cracker as a knife and cut the cheese blocks in half.

Yeah, I taught myself how to multiply by using food. Are we surprised?

Having more blocks of cheese was important for my ratio because I would make crackers and cheese sandwiches. I’d put a piece of cheese between two crackers and then put it in my mouth. It just seemed logical.

My mom never knew I did this. She just thought I was picking up one piece of food at a time and eating it like a 4-year-old. Nope. I was a chef in training. My brilliance could not be contained.

To this day, if I’m ever having crackers and cheese, I’ll make them into mini sandwiches.

Fast forward to today.

I poured out seven Ritz crackers for myself. Why seven, you ask? Sorry, I’m not taking questions. They were not bits. They were full-blown crackers. If a loonie ($1 coin in Canada) and a toonie ($2 coin in Canada) had a kid, it would grow up to be the size of this cracker.

The kid would be named Cloonie, by the way.

Then I got out the peanut butter and put a small wallop on a plate, so I could dip the crackers in it.

If the title of this post didn’t give it away, the crackers were low sodium crackers.

Lo-So-Cra, if you will.

Alright, low in sodium. That means they’re not going to have as much salt as normal. Fine with me. I’m just here for the peanut butter, if we’re being honest.

Side note: Is there anything worse than trying to wash peanut butter off a plate/spoon/spreader in the sink with hot water? The smell of warm peanut butter bothers me.

I finish the crackers and peanut butter and realize my mouth is not okay. I was promised low sodium crackers and yet here I was, with a mouth full of salt.

You want to know where salt trucks go in the summer? MY MOUTH.

I’m not kidding, it felt like a salt truck had done laps in there, up and down the T-28 highway.

T-28 stands for Tongue and 28 teeth. I think I have 28 teeth…? My 4 wise ones got pulled a long time ago and the remaining ones don’t know how to do math. Don’t judge, they’re sensitive.

And just so we’re clear, I’m not bashing Ritz crackers. I’ll eat them until they eat me. However, the salt content on these low sodium crackers was way too high.

I realize I sound like I’m 134-years-old, but what else is new? 

Brushing my teeth (twice) did nothing to alleviate my salty mouth. For the longest time, it felt like I had to regurgitate small food chunks, but I didn’t. It was just an aggravated throat and formation of little white whatchamacallits that form when you’ve had too much salt.

Word of advice: Never look up mouth ailments on Google Images. Just don’t do it.

Those seven crackers were powerful. I’ve never experienced anything like it. I can still taste them on my lips, no matter how many times I wash them. Heck, you can remove my lips from my face (just call me Mr. Paultato Head) and I’ll still feel the salt.

A few hours later, I figured I’d gargle saltwater. Oh what fun it is to gargle in a one mouth open sleigh, or something.

I filled up a glass with warm water, sprinkled some salt, and braced myself. It wasn’t that bad and for a while, I thought it had worked.

As I’m writing this, I’m realizing it might not have worked entirely as my throat now seems to be sore. Maybe I’ll gargle an ice cube tomorrow.

I’m kidding. Don’t do that. Do not gargle ice cubes.

How do I feel? I feel betrayed. Wouldn’t you? The box says one thing, you taste another.

Again, I’m not bashing Ritz. Love you, Ritzy. I’m just saying their low sodium crackers had too much salt and if it weren’t for my tongue pulling the alarm, my teeth would not have gotten out safely.

I’m losing my mind.

Anyway, that’s my story. This post started so wholesome and then it took a turn at “regurgitate small food chunks”.

Sorry, I don’t control what I type.

Thanks for reading.

Have you ever made crackers and cheese sandwiches?
Have you ever had anything really salty? What was it?
What snacks did you bring to school as a kid? 

About Paul

I think of my blog as an all-you-can-read buffet. There's something for everyone and complimentary mints at the door as you leave.
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22 Responses to Low Sodium Crackers

  1. ellem63 says:

    You are crackers … but in a lovely sort of way. 😊

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hmms…Maybe your mom sent twice as many crackers as there was cheese so you could make the sandwiches without having to cut the blocks of cheese? I’m confused about how you’d be able to make sandwiches if you had the same amount of cheese and crackers…

    But I actually just had something similar last week! On Monday, the kids had track and field, as you know because you kept the snow away for them (thank you), and I knew I’d be there until around lunch time so I packed a little snack: ritz crackers, cheese, and kielbasa slices. Just stack them up and into the mouth they go! YUM! I didn’t use two crackers though, my mouth isn’t big enough for that.

    Sometimes I’ll make mini pizzas with them: pizza sauce, a pepperoni, and some cheese. Chef Paulo can steal that if he wants to lol

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Ah I think you might’ve read the initial version of this post (maybe in your email?) where I said I had twice as many crackers as cheese. I changed it after posting (sorry!) to say that there were too many crackers and not enough cheese. I think I had about 4-6 cheese blocks and more than 12 small crackers (I really should’ve kept a log at the time lol) so hence the operating with cracker thing.

      Mmm that sounds good! Chef Paulo approves. Good thing it didn’t snow!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Peanut butter and crackers, not my thing. I prefer Triscuits and cheese, because they really don’t have a lot of salt. Ritz, no so much because like you I realized their low sodium meant they left ONE salt crystal off each cracker. 🤨

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Lol I wish I knew that. I feel like regular Ritz crackers have less salt than the low sodium ones. This calls for an experiment (which I’m too lazy to do lol)


  4. The Lit Biwi says:

    Lo So Cra. Ahahahahhahaha. That’s something I’ve to say Sodium Bromide (Na Bro) to and move on. Anyway lame jokes apart: this is Little Rants here. (Don’t get confused at the new URL or blog title.)

    The saltiest thing I ever encountered was my ex’s personality. 🤷🏻‍♀️

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Lee Dunn says:

    Salty? My wife puts just about everything in mason jars, and sometimes forgets to label them. You know where this is going. A heaping teaspoon of salt in my coffee. Gag. Never made cracker sandwiches though. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Suzi Tench says:

    Crackers and cheese sandwiches!!! That takes me back to being little!! I used to live the ritz biscuits too!!! Yum! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Kara's Kloud says:

    Huh, this took an unexpected turn. I love me some Ritz crackers, but I DON’T want a mouthful of salt ewww. How dare they lie to you? I recommend tracking down whoever made that box of crackers and giving them a piece of your mind.

    I never ate cheese and crackers as a kid. We were way too poor to buy cheese for a lowly kid to eat hahah. However, my parents supplied me with Zebra cakes in my lunch every once in a while if I was really good. Good thing these snack cakes stay in their lane and don’t attempt to make low sodium snacks 🙂 I’d be devastated if they tried to make them “healthier.”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Zebra cakes??? I always saw those as the high end snack haha. I couldn’t imagine the healthy alternative of those. Maybe no stripes?

      As for the crackers, someone needs to get a piece of my mind, you’re right. Clearly they don’t taste salt the way I do lol

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Squid says:

    Cracker cheese sandwiches are the only proper way to eat those two foods. FIGHT ME

    Liked by 1 person

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