Listening To Popular Songs For The First Time

I like to think I know a little bit about a lot of things. However, when it comes to popular songs of today, I am…I am…I am trying to avoid the “fish out of water” analogy, so give me a minute to think of something weird.

Got one.

When it comes to popular songs of today, I am toothpaste without a tube, nor toothbrush, to hold me. I’m just sitting there in the sink like a blob, waiting for someone to direct water at me and wash me down the drain because I don’t belong there.

Bam. Nailed it.

So, in an attempt to broaden my musical horizons and stay hip-hop with the kids, I thought I’d look at the Billboard Hot 100 Songs list, listen to the Top 10, and provide my remarkable insights.

Note: I’ve never heard any of these songs before right now. Seatbelts, everyone.

1. Old Town Road – Lil Nas X Ft. Billy Ray Cyrus

I don’t know who Lil Nas X is, but that’s definitely a unique stage name. Did he get it from an incomplete Wheel of Fortune puzzle? I’ll give you a second to process that.

I know who Billy Ray Cyrus is – he was the dad on Hannah Montana.

This song is a rap-country hybrid about their desire to ride a horse until they can’t anymore. I’m assuming the horse has a curfew? Or maybe it’s not allowed in a drive-thru and that’s when they get off?

Songs about animals can go one of two ways. It’s either an arena anthem like, Eye of The Tiger, or it’s an internet joke like, What Does The Fox Say? This song falls somewhere in between and I’m quite indifferent about it.

Would I listen again? NO.

2. Wow. – Post Malone

If you’re a real fan of me and my writing, you know exactly what I’m going to say first.

Post Malone? Is that like Pre-Madonna?

There, I said it. Happy?

Bold move putting the period in the title. Punctuation says a lot in the modern world, especially when you put a period after a single word. If you receive “Wow.” or “Ok.” or “Fine.” in a text from someone, you’ve messed up really badly.

I have no clue what this song is about, but I hear with my little ear a Dikembe Mutumbo and Dak Prescott reference, so I guess he likes sports.

Would I listen again? NO.

3. Sunflower (Spider-Man: Into The Spider-Verse) – Post Malone, Swae Lee 

I saw Spider-Man 2 in theatres and owned a Spider-Man computer game. I got stuck at one part where I had chased Doc Ock into the vault of a bank and he put a wall between us. I couldn’t figure out how to unlock it and even asked my mom to call the video game developers to find out.

She didn’t because that was a ridiculous request. I finally figured out.

Oh, as for this song – it does nothing for me. Tulips are nicer than sunflowers.

Would I listen again? NO.

4. 7 Rings – Ariana Grande

Is that how many times the phone rings before it goes to voicemail?

Like the three songs above it, this is also less then three minutes long. Is this where we’re at as a society? No songs over three minutes?

We truly are the Word Count Generation.

Alright, Ms. Grande knows exactly what she’s doing with this song. Every line is something that can be tweeted out, or used in an Instagram caption. Every single line. She knows her audience and is aware that they’ll market the song for her.

<Insert insightful post about how song lyrics create a sub-culture within the culture, that eventually outgrows itself and becomes the culture>

I think this song is about having a lot of money and being able to get anything, which is very relatable to the millions of people who will tweet the lyrics.

Would I listen again? NO.

5. Sucker – Jonas Brothers

I like that their first song back after a long hiatus is littered with a bunch of rhyming words right off the start. It’s as if they forgot how to write a song, so they eased themselves into it by rhyming ‘together’, ‘weather’, ‘feather’ and ‘December’.

I don’t blame them. I do the same thing with my poems.

This song also clocked in at just under three minutes, but it felt like they sang the chorus for seven.

Would I listen again? Maybe in the year 3000. WEREN’T EXPECTING THAT JOKE, WERE YOU?

Alright, moving on.

6. Without Me – Halsey

This song is almost four minutes long, so that explains why it didn’t crack the top five.

I like Halsey – which is to say I listen to two of her songs. To make this interactive, you can try and guess which ones they are in the comments below.

This isn’t a bad song, but it’s probably most enjoyed when paired with a break-up, power outage, a box of cereal, or only one sock on your foot.

Would I listen again? (Lowercase) No.

7. Dancing With A Stranger – Sam Smith, Normani

Not wanting to stray too far from the sidewalk, this song is back under the three minute time limit.

As far as I can tell, this song is about two people who don’t want to be alone, but they can’t be with each other, so they go out and dance with strangers while thinking about each other.

In other words, this is the lyrical adaptation of Episode 3 of every season of Bachelor in Paradise.

Would I listen again? (Lowercase) No.

8. Talk – Khalid

This guy just wants to talk, but is an over-texter and doesn’t know when to listen, so he’s just going to dance in a colourful box like it’s a Saturday Night Live musical parody.

I’ll be honest, I thought this was going to be DJ Khaled and didn’t realize there was another guy named Khalid. It’s all in the spelling, I suppose.

Anyways, I had a “Communication is a major key” line set up, but I can’t use it now.

Would I listen again? NO.

9. Bad Guy – Billie Eilish 

Why do I get the sense that “Billie Eyelash” is a meme somewhere on the internet?

Have you ever seen the movie, The Stupids? Tom Arnold is in it. Don’t ask me why, but the beginning of this music video is making me think of that movie.

You know the scene in The Shining where the little boy rides around the hotel on his tricycle? If you put this song over top of that visual, it’ll create the same creepy effect as intended.

This song made me reference two movies. That’s not normal.

Would I listen again? NO.

10.  Middle Child – J. Cole

I was wrong to think this was going to be a nice wholesome song about how he learned lessons from his older sibling that he could then teach to his younger sibling.

Would I listen again? NO.

And that’s it.

What we’ve learned here today, boys and girls, is that taste in music is not like taste in food. You can’t just add salt and make every song taste good in your ear.

Maybe I’ll do this post again with my Top 10 most listened to songs, so I can provide vague references to songs I actually enjoy.

How many of these songs do you like?

I really don’t want the comments section to be full of “Music was better back in the day” rants, so surprise me with something else.

Twitter: @CappyTalks