This is the show that never ends, but tonight it does. I’d like to welcome back Cass for the final time this season. Her thoughts will be in bold.
Sorry I went MIA last night everyone, I was just in no mood to watch The Bachelor…shocking, I know.
If you missed my notes for Part 1 of the Finale, how dare you? Click HERE to give it a read, but only if you want.
Now then, let’s breathe some life into this show. (This is foreshadowing something)
~ Hit the music, fade in, and away we go with Chris Harrison in front of a live studio audience.
~ Chris calls this the most anticipated season finale ever. I don’t know about that.
~ Nothing can compare to 2007, when Brad Womack sent home both women in the Final 2 – DeAnna and Jenni. I was #TeamJenni all the way back then. I hope she’s doing well.
~ I’ve been watching this show for way too long.
~ Back to Portugal we go and Colton is knocking on Cassie’s hotel room door. The hallway looks like they’re in an old residence hall that first year students would rank fourth on their residence request form.
~ Cassie opens the door and doesn’t look shocked to see him. She is also put together, so someone tipped her off that he was coming.
~ “I love Cassie, but Cassie broke up with me.” – Colton
~ They’re outside and sitting down to talk in very low voices. No one ever speaks up on this show. Their sentences are always very slow and choppy, too.
~ “I ended things with Tayshia and Hannah.” – Colton
~ “What?” – Cassie
~ “This is crazy. This is really crazy.” – Cassie
~ “I know, right. I jumped a fence and Chris Harrison ran after me in the dark!” – Colton did not say this
~ Cassie is confused because she thought the other girls were further along than she was.
~ OH MY GOD, HE SAID HE’S IN LOVE WITH YOU AND NOT THEM. WHAT’S SO CONFUSING?
~ Colton says he gave everything up so he can not just tell her, but show her he loves her.
~ Unrelated to anything: I feel like Colton is the kind of guy who would hire a pilot to write a message in the sky, but it would be on a cloudy day.
~ “I’m so confused.” – Cassie
~ Colton wants her to meet his family, who are waiting for them in Spain. She agrees to go meet them. Good grief, Charlie Brown.
~ So now they’re back together? All Colton had to do was send the other two girls home, even though he had already told Cassie he didn’t want a future with either of them?
~ This show is painful. I need a Spainkiller. GET IT? BECAUSE THEY’RE GOING TO SP- ah what’s the point.
~ Colton quit the show, but is now in Spain, wandering the streets like nothing ever happened.
~ Cassie is working through her feelings, while getting a free trip to Spain. Can’t say I blame her.
~ Colton meets up with his family and breaks the news that there is only one girl with him, instead of two.
~ They look shocked and he says, “Hey, for 24 hours it was just gonna be me and Chris Harrison!” Nah, he didn’t say that. Someone needs to hire me as a writer on this show.
~ Why is the family so unsettled by the fact that Cassie isn’t in love with him yet? It’s only been two months. She’s only seen him twice a week. They’ve never texted.
~ Cassie is now coming in to meet the family.
~ She breaks into a soliloquy about how hard this has been. Exactly what the family wants to hear, I’m sure.
~ Colton’s mom, Donna, pulls him aside and says she’s scared that Cassie already left once.
~ Colton asks what she thinks of Cassie so far: “Ohhhh mannn”.
~ Cassie is now sitting down with Mr. Underwood and says, “I love him and I care about him so much, but I’m hoping for clarity.”
~ Woah, did she just profess her love for Colton to his father, before telling him?
~ Or was that the kind of “I love him” that’s the equivalent to saying you “like” someone rather than “like like” them.
~ I’m employing elementary school level terms to try and understand this show. What is life?
~ “I’m so confused. – Cassie” – Me
~ After a few more conversations, the meet and greet is over.
~ As we head to commercial, pot stirrer Chris Harrison, says they have one final date and asks if Cassie will be able to truly fall in love with Colton.
~ Stop it, you! One date isn’t going to solve anything.
~ Chris Harrison is like a human Twitter account that tweets out skeptical thoughts about everything, just in case one of them comes true.
~ Cassie and Colton are driving around Spain in a jeep.
~ “I do love him, but Colton’s been a step ahead of me.” – Cassie, slow walker
~ Does she still think she has to accept a proposal at the end of this, or else Chris Harrison will ban them from seeing each other ever again?
~ They’re having a picnic, but have to rappel down the side of a mountain to get there.
~ This is their punishment for almost derailing the show and cancelling the trip to Spain, right? Production is getting back at them – that’s what this has to be.
~ Colton asks Cassie what she’s afraid of. She says she’s not afraid of being in a relationship with him, it’s about being in a relationship – in general. Oh.
~ In words we can all understand: I didn’t come on this show for the right reasons.
~ “I feel how much Colton loves me and I think I’m starting to accept it.” – Cassie
~ What the heck does that mean?
~ To recap: Cassie made it to the Final 3 before she started to feel like this relationship wasn’t right. Colton tells her he loves her and doesn’t want to be with the other two. Cassie leaves. Colton send the other two women home. Cassie comes back. Cassie continues to be hesitant to get back into a relationship with him because it’s a big commitment. Got all that?
~ Oh wait, now they’re going to the fantasy suite.
~ Are they even technically in a relationship? Has Cassie said they’re actually back together?
~ Colton kicks the camera crew out of the fantasy suite and hangs a “do not disturb” sign on the door. One second passes before they realize they’re still wearing microphones.
~ Back in the studio joining Chris for a roundtable discussion are six former Bachelor/Bachelorette participants: Sydney, Onyeka, OH MY GOD IT’S DEMI, doesn’t matter, don’t care, and not important.
~ Ok fine, those last three people are actually, Chris, Jason, and Ben.
~ I’d fast forward but Demi is there.
~ That was a wonderful surprise. She should be the host of The Bachelorette. Give Mr. Harrison a break, he’s been doing too much this season.
~ Back in Spain, it’s the next morning and Colton is in the shower, which means the camera is too.
~ They’re having breakfast in bed, and by that I mean there is a tray of food that they’re refusing to touch.
~ Last night seemed to go well for them, so they say.
~ Back in the studio, Colton and Cassie come on out to a standing ovation from half the audience.
~ “We’re in love.” In other words, they’re dating.
~ Chris asks if they plan on getting engaged and Cassie says it’s something they’ve discussed.
~ Colton has moved out to LA to be closer to Cassie and they’re going to be travelling around a lot together. Oh, so it’s like The Bachelor, but with they’re own money.
~ Now we’re getting a video update of how their life has been since the show ended.
~ Colton sits on counters as Cassie tosses food into his mouth from afar.
~ Colton can’t bend his legs as Cassie tries to teach him yoga.
~ In conclusion, Colton is basically a pet dog.
~ Well, I just missed the whole first half of tonight’s episode, but that’s okay because Colton & Cassie are apparently just so in love.
~ I may or may not have wanted to watch tonight. I’m a little annoyed with this season, clearly.
~ In the studio, Colton is now asking Cassie if she will accept the final rose. She does.
~ He just gave her the final rose, that’s cute.
~ Omg they get to go back to Thailand, so not fair.
~ YES CHRIS, ASK THAT FANTASY SUITE QUESTION.
~ Damn it, Colton, it’s a yes or no answer.
~ So, is he still a virgin?
~ Chris Harrison says we have an unbelievable surprise now – a live performance from a legendary band….AIR SUPPLY!
~ Who the heck is Air Supply?
~ I can’t stop laughing.
~ YES! Air Supply! 75% of the people watching this don’t know who they are, but whatever! This isn’t for them! This is for me! And my loyalty to this show!
~ They’re gonna sing Making Love Out of Nothing At All, aren’t they? They are!
~ Never mind, my mom knows who they are…and she’s singing along.
~ I know just how to whisper and I know just how to scheme, I know just when to face the truth and then I know just when to dream, but I don’t know how to leave you and I’ll never let you fall, and I don’t know how you do it, making love out of nothing at all, making love out of nothing at all, making love out of nothing at all, making love out of nothing at all.
~ This is hilariously amazing. Pretty sure they skipped a bunch of lyrics, though.
~ Every time I see you all the rays of the sun are streaming through the waves in your hair, and every star in the sky is taking aim at your eyes like a spotlight, the beating of my heart is a drum and it’s lost and it’s looking for a rhythm like you, you can take the darkness at the pit of the night, and turn it into a beacon burning endlessly bright, I gotta follow it, ’cause everything I know, well, it’s nothing ’till I give it to you!
~ I can’t breathe, this song is so fast paced, and I can’t stop laughing. Annnnd back to singing…
~ Making love out of nothing at all, making love out of nothing at all, making love out of nothing at all…
~ Hold on, I’m gonna rewind and enjoy the performance one more time, without racing to type out the lyrics.
~ I enjoyed that way more than I should have.
~ Last night, they should’ve shown up and played “All Out Of Love”, then play “Making Love Out Of Nothing At All” tonight, and “Lost In Love” can be their wedding song
when they probably don’t get married.
~ Maybe next year they can get Meatloaf to sing, “I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)”.
~ If Mr. Loaf isn’t available, I’ll settle for Bonnie Tyler singing, “Total Eclipse of the Heart”.
~ Just putting that out there in case the producers read my blog and are wondering how they can further engage with a 27-year-old male viewer, who is familiar with old love songs.
~ I’m just happy they didn’t rush an engagement and are taking it day by day, just so much more realistic.
~ IT’S BACHELORETTE ANNOUNCEMENT TIME.
~ Drum roll please.
~ Hannah BEAST!
~ And it’s Hannah B., Alabama Hannah.
~ She’s been in beauty pageants and is a beast, so if the tagline for her season isn’t “Beauty & Beast”, I’m going to be disappointed.
~ I mean, I’m pretty sure everyone found this out like two weeks ago, but we can pretend to be surprised.
~ How many times are we gonna hear “Roll Tide” this season?
~ She’s going to meet her first five men right now. Prepare yourselves for a bunch of gimmicks.
~ Chris just said she couldn’t outrun him in heels. Girls have a superpower sometimes & we can run real fast.
~ They’re setting up the outside of the mansion behind her.
~ WATER THE GROUND! THE GROUND IS ALWAYS WET ON OPENING NIGHT. WATER THE GROUND!
~ They didn’t water the ground.
~ “Don’t leave me” – she’s so cute
~ Out first is Luke, who has very extreme close range eye contact.
~ Out next is Dustin, who had two wine glasses, so they could make a toast. I’ve seen butter. Get it? Like “better” but “butter” because there was a toast? Does anyone follow my jokes?
~ “Cheers to the start of a wonderful beginning.”
~ I don’t think that makes sense. The start is the beginning.
~ We are going to get some seriously hilarious reactions out of her this season.
~ Out next is Cam from Austin, Texas. He unleashes a rap on her that’s kinda scary.
~ I think he got the Hannahs mixed up. Hannah G. is the one who can rap.
~ Up next is Connor. He brought her a bedazzled step stool, so they can always be on the same level. Do girls like that? A corny gesture mixed with a short joke?
~ Out last is Luke S., who looks like the child of former bachelor Nick, and Justin Timberlake. He made sure to embarrass his family the moment he opened his mouth.
~ Luke S. had one interesting opening line.
~ Hannah wants to give out a rose.
~ First rose of the season, wow.
~ Cam is getting the rose. The guy with the rap?
~ As much as I want to stop watching this show completely, next season is probably going to be filled with southern hunks because she’s “Alabama Hannah” and I am all in for it.
~ The Bachelorette starts on May 13.
~ Good, we have two months to recover and prepare.
~ “See you all at the mansion and try harder”. – Hannah Beast
Big thanks to Cass for joining me this season and giving her thoughts on the show!
And thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this every week! In my heart, this is the best Bachelor recap on the internet. I don’t care what anyone says. I hope you found it funny, if not informative and mildly ridiculous.
Viewing Notes will return on May 13.