Of course this show has a two-part season finale. Of course.
~ We kick things off with Chris Harrison in front of a studio audience.
~ He asks rhetorical questions like, “Will Colton come back to the show?” and “Will he find love with Tayshia or Hannah G.?” Such dumb questions. He’s under contract and is in love with Cassie. Come on, Chris.
~ Are we getting a recap now? We are! Time to fast forward!
~ Twelve minutes in and we have no new footage. There are 3 hours and 48 minutes left in this season. Maybe I should bury my head in pudding.
~ Now we jump (GET IT?) back into things in Portugal from the moment Colton jumped the fence.
~ Resident bounty hunter, Christopher Zzz. Harrison, goes for a light jog down the street, looking for Colton.
~ The production crew has hopped into
a vehicle the mystery machine to go after the bachelor. They’re driving so slowly, it’s like they’re on the lookout for a deer.
~ Meanwhile, Chris is on a phone telling someone on the other end that it’s 11:40pm and they can’t find Colton. He says they’ll call the police in half an hour.
~ I guarantee there wasn’t anyone on the other end of that phone. Who’s he calling? The whole crew is already there.
~ The producers in the mystery machine have finally caught up to Colton. Colton just keeps walking, like Michael Myers in Halloween.
~ Back to Chris Harrison, who is on a different phone than he was on a minute ago. What a continuity error this is. Those darn phone case covers are blowing his cover!
~ Cut to Chris finally catching up to Colton. Colton says he is done. He has his wallet and that’s it.
~ Hasta la vista, maybe!
~ Chris is disappointed that Colton is “done done”.
~ They hop in a car to go back to the hotel.
~ Colton is crying as Chris H. reminds him that Tayshia and Hannah love him.
~ NOT NOW, C-HARRIS! HE DOESN’T LOVE THEM. YOU JUST WANT HIM TO RETURN TO THE SHOW AND PICK SOMEONE.
~ I don’t think Chris Harrison is here for the right reasons.
~ Back to the live studio audience, who are all deathly silent. Guys, this isn’t that serious. Giggle a little.
~ It’s the next morning and Chris knocks on Colton’s door.
~ Chris Harrison Sleeve Watch (It’s been awhile): ROLLED UP
the rim to win.
~ “I was just worried about you.” – Chris, trying to get Colton to talk
~ Colton says that every time something good happens to him, it’s followed by something bad.
~ “I was falling in love with Tayshia. And I was falling in love with Hannah. I fell in love with Cassie.” – Colton
~ He thinks that Tayshia and Hannah being apart of this is what held Cassie back, while Chris chimes in with, “What if she’s just not that into you?”
~ Man, Chris is trying so hard to get him to stick around and pick someone else.
~ Colton has decided to fight for Cassie. Oh, here we go. Set up the boxing ring.
~ Colton is going to see Tayshia now.
~ They sit in silence. How sweet, he’s going to break up with her via telepathy.
~ “I knew that I was falling for you, but in my heart I know I can’t love two people.” – Colton
~ You mean to tell me, that the bachelor/bachelorette doesn’t actually fall in love with multiple people and then just pick one at the end!?
~ Well colour me inside the lines.
~ “I love Cassie.” – Colton
~ “Mhmm.” – Tayshia
~ Tayshia asks if they can talk without the cameras. He agrees and they go inside.
~ Too bad their microphones are still on. They’re both crying.
~ Get these people the heck out of Portugal and give them their lives back.
~ Tayshia grabs two small bags, gets in a taxi, and leaves. Does she not have to pack anything? Is the taxi just going to go in a circle and return to her room?
~ Now we have Chris talking to Tayshia in front of the studio audience.
~ I was fast forwarding through it and then saw Colton come out to talk to her, so I’ll watch 15 seconds and see what he says.
~ Tayshia says they had something special and lists off three glamourized dates they went on. Alright, back to fast forwarding.
~ Colton is now going to visit Hannah G, who we haven’t seen in two weeks.
~ She’s preparing for their date by writing in a diary and telling us she loves Colton. Well, this should be a train wreck.
~ Colton is giving her the same break-up speech he gave Tayshia.
~ Hannah is staring daggers through him.
~ “You still remind me of home.” – Colton
~ WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT AT A TIME LIKE THIS?
~ Hannah is thrown off right now. How dare he be in love with someone else, on a show that he once had 30 girlfriends!
~ “I was ready to move to wherever.” – Hannah
~ “What am I doing? I don’t want to lose you. I don’t know if I’m making the right decision.” – Colton
~ Well, this is just great. No one knows what they’re doing anymore.
~ “I don’t even get to explore…..us.” – Hannah. She was about to say “Portugal”, wasn’t she?
~ The entire premise of this show requires the bachelor to build up every relationship as far as they can and then dump all but one person at the drop of a hat, making every prior interaction feel meaningless.
~ The consolation prize is a bunch of Instagram followers and partnerships with brands that no one has ever heard of.
~ Colton leaves and cries in the hallway. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.
~ Hannah is packing her suitcase because unlike Tayshia, she actually brought stuff with her to Portugal.
~ A producer asks him if he’s okay and gives him a hug. Hey, maybe they’d make a good couple.
~ Boltin’ Colton (it took me this long to think of a nickname, sorry) doesn’t know if he’s giving up a sure thing for something impossible.
~ We’re back in the studio and Hannah is with Chris. Time to fast forward because it’s just going to be a lot of “I was shocked” and “I thought it would be us in the end” and “I want to know why it wasn’t me”.
~ Former members of the show – Garrett, Ben, Blake, and Jason – are there for a roundtable discussion with Chris.
~ Yeah, this isn’t happening. I’m fast forwarding again.
~ Back in Portugal, Colton is packing his bags. He brought so much stuff, he might have to ship some back to the US by boat.
~ Cassie is still in Portugal, packing her things. Meanwhile, the other two girls got an escort to the airport the second they were let go.
~ What a rigged show. The producers kept her there because they knew there would be more scenes with her and Colton.
~ They are driving Colton to see Cassie. Did all the women stay at separate hotels on opposite sides of Portugal?
~ He knocks on her door and the camera cuts away, as we hear the door open.
~ I really hope it’s a random person on the other side of the door and they’re like, “Vut is a Cassie?”
~ Chris tells us tomorrow night will be crazy and what happens is truly shocking. Okay, Chris. Whatever you say.
There’s no reason why this should be two nights. See you tomorrow.