According to The Good Place, if you watch The Bachelor, you’re going to hell. They have no motive to lie, so it must be true. Not sure what that means for those of you who watch the show via these notes, so read at your own risk.
~ We start off with a vlog from Colton, who is in full-blown paranoia about some people being there for the wrong reasons.
~ To clarify, the “right” reason to be there is to throw yourself into a relationship with a stranger, with the hope of getting engaged in eight weeks.
~ They’re all headed back to Denver, from Vietnam, as if it’s the final leg of The Amazing Race.
~ Colton walks into a bar and meets up with Ben – the Season 20 Bachelor.
~ Ben is there to give advice because Colton needs to find out which girls are there for the wrong reasons, so asking an outsider, who has not met them, is the best route at this time…somehow.
~ The quick chat is over and Colton is magically fixed.
~ Time to greet the girls in a park, with his dog, Sniper.
~ HIS DOG IS A HITMAN.
~ Colton and Tayshia are going on a date, while everyone else is ditched in a field.
~ They’re finally in a place that Colton is from, and he doesn’t even say, “Welcome to Denver!” This is unbelievable.
~ They go wine tasting and then stop off at an ice cream shop. Sniper is eating their ice cream.
~ Oh, now they’re buying salmon. I can’t keep up.
~ “Hometowns” has been uttered at least five times already. I don’t drink, but that’s a drinking game waiting to happen.
~ I don’t know where they are now, but they’re sitting down talking about who’s not there for the right reasons.
~ “I’ve heard some disheartening conversations that have taken place in the house.” – Tayshia
~ “I’m not telling you who because I don’t want to tattletale.” – Tayshia
~ And then she proceeds to say Cassie and Caelynn aren’t genuine, as they’re already talking about being the next bachelorette, and don’t know if they’re ready for an engagement. Colton is disappointed.
~ The audio on this date is horrible. They’re in a public place with so much background noise.
~ QUIET ON THE SET.
~ Time for dinner and they’re cooking. The cooking portion lasted for 8 televised seconds.
~ He asks if her family is ready for this. She says her dad might be a bit apprehensive
because he’s a normal person.
~ Back at the house, Caelynn is getting a one-on-one date.
~ These girls keep these date cards as mementos, probably not knowing an intern wrote them and Colton never even breathed on them.
~ Tayshia gets a rose on the date and their food has disappeared. Poof.
~ “Tonight, I started to fall in love with Tayshia.” – Colton
~ Time for Caelynn’s date. They’re going snowboarding in the Rockies.
~ About 74 televised seconds are spent on Colton teaching Caelynn how to snowboard, before transitioning to a conversation about what Tayshia told Colton.
~ She denies it and claims she is ready for marriage and isn’t thinking about the bachelorette.
~ Bring in Maury as a celebrity chaperone on one of these dates.
~ “Today was extremely difficult.” – Caelynn
~ No one is ever happy on this show. What a distressing process.
~ “Hometowns”. Drink.
~ Time for dinner and it looks like they’re in Hagrid’s Hut.
~ Their dinner is full of long pauses and sudden bursts about how hard this is.
~ They always do this. They never have a real conversation about the issue, they just have short bursts about how hard the situation is.
~ Just get them phones and let them text what they think.
~ Caelynn says she hopes it’s her at the end so they can get married and have kids.
~ Everything is better now. Caelynn is getting a rose.
~ Now they’re at the Red Rock Amphitheatre, by themselves, to dance to Fred Young, whoever that is. Colton calls him his friend. I don’t believe him.
~ Never mind, it’s Brett Young. Colton can’t enunciate. This changes nothing. I still don’t know who Brett Young is. Where are ya, Cass?
~ Back at the house, Hannah B. is informed she’s getting a one-on-one.
~ Caelynn is now confronting Tayshia. I don’t have time for this back and forth that will, surely, resolve nothing.
~ Hannah B. is getting to meet his family, something normally reserved for a front-runner. Not sure the edit she’s been given has portrayed that of a front-runner, but here we are.
~ Colton talks to his dad, while Hannah talks to his mom.
~ “Are you in love with Colton?” “Yes.”
~ Colton is not comfortable that she’s falling in love with him and he’s not there yet.
~ Well, it can be hard falling in love with someone when you’re dating six other people, COLTON.
~ Meanwhile, Hannah is exuding so much confidence during her chats with the camera. They’re clearly building her up to be disappointed.
~ It’s time for dinner. I don’t even see food on the table. Why bother, right?
~ Colton doesn’t think he can get to where she is right now.
~ “I don’t know that I’m there.” – Colton
~ The ominous “there” returns, which reminds me of Demi…
~ There she goes, there she goes again, racing through my brain, and I just can’t contain, this feeling that remains.
~ Alright, I’m back.
~ He’s breaking up with Hannah B. Into the limo and out of his sight, she goes.
~ Her luggage is removed from the hotel by a man in black, as the girls look shocked.
~ Time for the group date with Kirpa, Cassie, Heather, and Hannah G. Two roses are available. Whoever doesn’t get a rose is going home.
~ They all hop on a train, headed for Hogwarts.
~ “I do want, more than anything, an engagement at the end of this.” – Colton
~ Really? You’re going to rush into an engagement for the sake of TV? There must be a huge bonus in his contract if he proposes.
~ Colton is sitting down with Heather, who tells him it’s not fair to take him to her hometown if she’s not 100% sure that she’s ready for that.
~ He doesn’t put up a fight, walks her out, and puts her back on the train.
~ This is very much unravelling like the plot of, And Then There Were None. Sorta.
~ Meanwhile, Kirpa thinks Cassie is still trying to find herself.
~ Cassie sits down with Colton and says, “This week’s been hard.”
~ Again, no one is ever happy on this show.
~ She reassures him that what Tayshia told him about her not being there for the right reasons, is not true.
~ Is now a good time to mention that Cassie filmed another relationship-y show right before this one and its airing at the same time?
~ Kirpa is now telling Colton that she has concerns about Cassie and Caelynn.
~ This isn’t a dating show. This is a drama, disguised as a dating show.
~ These people spend all their time talking about each other, rather than trying to learn about the lead person and see if they’re a match.
~ “This is so dumb to me.” – Cassie, to Kirpa
~ Kirpa is level-headed and has good intentions, but is getting caught up in drama on a show she’s too good for. I’m a Kirpaholic. Nope, that sounds weird.
~ Oh yeah, Hannah G. is on this date. Are they excluding her commentary from this drama in order to protect her and make her the next bachelorette?
~ It’s time for dinner and they’re all seated at a round table. Colton says he’s reached clarity on one thing and pulls Hannah G. away.
~ Colton returns 28 televised seconds later, to grab a rose to give to Hannah.
~ Colton has 5 televised minutes to decide what to do about the final rose.
~ Meanwhile, Caelynn is about to crash the date to put in a good word for Cassie.
~ Caelynn walks by Kirpa and Cassie, twice, and doesn’t acknowledge them. This is so scripted it hurts.
~ Kirpa and Cassie are sitting there like they’re at a family party and wanted to leave an hour ago but their mom keeps talking to someone.
~ In comes Colton to make his final decision, based on who knows what, because he hasn’t learned more about them since the afternoon.
~ Cassie gets the final rose.
~ Kirpa is going home.
~ I’m not interested in previews, I have a massive headache and want this to be over.
Next week features the final four introducing Colton to their families. Someone’s father is always made to look threatening, while someone’s sister always looks like they could be the next bachelorette.
See you then.