Hello. Welcome to the most outrageous episode in Bachelor history. I’m Paul and this is my friend, Cass. Her thoughts will be in bold, while mine will be in dismay. Please enjoy, and remember to weep not for the memories.
~ Unfortunately, we pick up where we left off last week – Colton walking up and down the beach because he’s tired of petty drama.
~ Forget a wife, Colton just needs a friend.
~ Absent father figure, Chris Harrison, reluctantly leaves his freezer to see what’s up with Colton on the beach.
~ Mr. Harrison isn’t even wearing a tie. He’s probably got slippers on, but the camera won’t pan down.
~ He’s a celebrity, get him out of here.
~ Finally, Rose Ceremony time.
~ Caelynn gets a rose.
~ Tayshia gets a rose.
~ Kirpa gets a rose. She still has a bandage on her chin, which is there because she slipped on a rock while taking a selfie.
~ Demi gets a rose. Yes! Never send Demi home.
~ Hannah G. gets a rose.
~ Katie gets a rose.
~ Sydney gets a rose.
~ Onyeka and Nicole are going home because when you’re in a feud on this show, you’re destined for the Women Tell All episode.
~ I have no words for how this episode started.
~ Later, Nicole & Onyeka.
~ Back from commercial and Colton is filming another vlog after his run on the beach. Nobody wants these vlogs.
~ Home videos from Colton, I low key love it.
~ Of course. The one person who likes them…
~ Oh, they’re somehow in Vietnam. The magic of television, I presume.
~ Bring on Vietnam.
~ “Oh my Gawwwd, it’s a house with a couch and a pool, ohhh myyy gawwwd ahhhh.”
~ “I could see myself falling in love with Colton because every time I’ve been on a group date, our relationship has progressed.” – Katie
~ Nooo, Katie! You were doing so well until you said that. That’s probably foreshadowing her dismissal tonight.
~ Hannah G. is getting a one-on-one date for the second time. The girls who are still waiting for their first one-on-one aren’t getting the hint.
~ Hannah G. gets the one-on-one. I actually think they are the cutest.
~ Is it weird that Hannah G. and Colton look like they could be siblings?
~ Hannah, somehow, still has makeup on after her facial…TELL ME HOW THAT’S POSSIBLE.
~ They’re at a spa, which is really just time for them to relax and talk and, oh what’s that? They’re not? What are they doing then?
~ They’re making out in the spa, the mud bath, the shower, WHAT’S NEXT…MAKE IT STOP.
~ Thought we caught them on the counter, wasn’t them.
~ Back at home base, beauty pageant participant, Caelynn, says Hannah G. has relied on her beauty for most of her life. The irony writes itself.
~ It’s time for Hannah and Colton to watch their food get cold.
~ Dinner conversation revolves around how their parents are divorced. Colton says they bonded over this and “opening up, in general”.
~ Colton just told the camera he’s falling in love with Hannah. Well that’s just dandy.
~ Colton dropped the L word.
~ The next date card arrives and it is for: Cassie, Heather, Tayshia, Caelynn, Katie, Hannah B., Sydney, and Demi.
~ Does this mean Kirpa and her, now healed, chin is getting a one-on-one? It does!
~ Kirpa doesn’t have a band aid on her chin anymore.
~ Meanwhile, Sydney is crying.
~ “Demi’s not in a good mood today.” – Demi
~ Paul is thankful Demi speaks in third person.
~ Uh Demi needs to stop being so pushy.
~ Whoops sorry Paul, didn’t mean to be mean about your Demi.
~ Thank you. She’s just a flower of entertainment. Let her sprout. What am I even saying?
~ The group date has them learning the ancient art of vovinam, which is a Vietnamese martial art.
~ Whoa whoa whoa, Heather’s job changed from “never been kissed” to “been kissed”.
~ HANNAH BEAST IS BACK.
~ Demi doesn’t want to be on this date, but she’s going to tough it out because that is who she is.
~ So I feel like these girls need to cover up a little.
~ Oh look, two pigeons are doing their best Hannah G. and Colton impression.
~ Chris Harrison is there with the host of Bachelor Vietnam (who has the same stylist as Chris) to provide commentary (that we won’t hear) for the fights between the girls.
~ FINALLY WE GET SOME FIGHTING.
~ This better be good.
~ Wait, are we not going to ask the host of Bachelor Vietnam about the time two contestants chose each other and ditched the bachelor?
~ The first fight is underway between Heather and Sydney. It’s more like a tussle with a lot of squealing.
~ Hannah Beast vs. Cassie is up next. Were they throwing punches? I couldn’t tell.
~ Demi vs. Katie is up next. Oh no, two of my favourites right here. Can’t they just talk it out?
~ Katie punches Demi in the face and she’s not happy about it. Demi is better with words.
~ Time for the night portion.
~ “These group dates kinda suck.” – Sydney
~ OMG are we finally seeing repeat outfits?
~ Colton sits down with Tayshia and asks how she’s doing.
~ “I’ve been feeling kind of…I don’t know. This week has been kind of hard for me.”
~ No one on this show is ever feeling good. They’re all having a hard time, all the time. Must be the lack of connection to the real world, or the fact they’re sharing a boyfriend.
~ Katie sits down with Colton and he asks her how she’s feeling.
~ Her biggest fear in this is being Ms. Understood, as opposed to being the future Mrs. Underwood.
~ Oh, she meant “misunderstood”. Never mind.
~ Hannah Beast is spending her time with him being a ninja with a stick. She’s Morgan from The Walking Dead, basically.
~ Sydney feels like he doesn’t notice her and just pays attention to the girls who do outgoing things.
~ Now she’s asking him why she’s never been on a one-on-one.
~ “I’m still working through this. I’m still navigating us.” – Colton
~ That’s an excuse.
~ Colton saying, “I can try” is like saying “nah”.
~ Some people are way too smart to be on this show.
~ Demi just asked Colton if he wants to call her mom. It’ll be the first time Demi talks to her since she’s been out of prison. This is nice?
~ Are they doing this now because Colton told the producers there won’t be a hometown date for her?
~ SAY IT AIN’T SO.
~ I can’t take Demi laughing. Like what was that noise?
~ “You’re in Vietnam? Wow.” – Demi’s unimpressed mom
~ Sydney doesn’t think Demi and Hannah Beast are ready for marriage.
~ It’s The Bachelor, barely any of them are ready for marriage. You should know this!
~ Sydney is sitting with Colton again.
~ Our NBA dancer wants something “more & magical”. Join the club, girl.
~ I actually love Sydney’s dress.
~ And Sydney is going home, without much of a fight from Colton.
~ Colton gives the group date rose to Tayshia and Hannah Beast is like, “Whaaa?”
~ Time for Kirpa’s one-on-one date. This should be interesting, since we haven’t seen much of her.
~ That bandage caught his attention last week, I’m telling you.
~ They start their date with Colton explaining why he sent Kirpa’s friend, Sydney, home. How romantic. Surprised they aren’t feeding each other strawberries at the same time.
~ Kirpa & Colton are kinda awkward.
~ I think they just broke the record for most conversation on a one-on-one date.
~ Is this the most time she’s had on screen?
~ Oh, now they’re on a boat. The first boat ride in bachelor history!
~ They dive in the water and catch some urchins. Yay, lunch! The one time they eat on this show…
~ It’s time for dinner and Kirpa has been previously engaged?
~ Kirpa was previously engaged, WHAT?
~ Kirpa’s previous relationship lasted eight years before she broke it off and doesn’t want to be engaged again unless it’s the right person.
~ However, she is open to an engagement at the end of this two month television show.
~ Love doesn’t make sense.
~ Colton gives her a rose. Well, at least they talked a lot on this date.
~ Is it just me, or have all the girls been sparkly tonight?
~ I mean, I’m not surprised. They probably just shared a tube of glitter.
~ Back at the house, Demi is getting ready to go see Colton. That’s nice.
~ There are thunder noises and everything outside is wet, but not a drop of rain is on Demi.
~ Either the storm has stopped and the sound effects were added in post-production, or the rain
fears respects Demi too much to inconvenience her. Probably the latter.
~ DEMI JUST SHOWED UP AT COLTON’S ROOM.
~ Demi is with Colton and oh no…
~ SHE JUST TOLD HIM SHE’S FALLING IN LOVE.
~ Noooooooo Demi! Too soon! No! This is going to backfire. Noooo! Get out of there. Abort mission!
~ “I appreciate you saying that to me, I really do.” – Colton
~ Shut your face, Colton. Don’t do it. I SAID DON’T.
~ Run, Demi.
~ HE JUST TOLD HER HE DOESN’T THINK THEY CAN GET THERE.
~ NOOOO NOT THE OMINOUS “THERE” THAT CONTESTANTS CAN’T GET TO!
~ DON’T SEND HER HOME. THIS SHOW NEEDS ENTERTAINMENT.
~ THIS IS HORSERADISH.
~ I’M FREAKING OUT.
~ Colton doesn’t know if he can see himself with her at the end.
~ On a human level, better for her to know now. On a selfish level, no other contestant brings this much material to these viewing notes.
~ Demi is going home.
~ So much for my “Never send Demi home” campaign.
~ She even gave him a trust ring last week! That was supposed to buy her two more weeks, at least!
~ WE’RE JUST GOING TO REMOVE DEMI FROM THE SHOW? OH, BUT THE AWFUL VLOGS STAY, RIGHT?
~ Demi was the show! You can’t send the show home. You know what happens when you send the show home? The show ends! Next week’s episode has been cancelled. Enjoy reruns of Shark Tank.
~ This season is dead to me.
~ So, how many girls left tonight?
~ Colton had a good connection with Demi and couldn’t “get there” with her. He has a so-so connection with half of the other girls and they’re still here?
~ Chris Harrison says there will be no cocktail party tonight. Good, he gets it. Nothing else matters.
~ Chris just walks on in to the bomb and then dips.
~ Time for the Rose Ceremony. This Rose Ceremony will be played under protest.
~ Hannah Beast gets a rose. Whatever.
~ Caelynn gets a rose. Yeah yeah, she’s pretty. We know.
~ Let me guess, Cassie gets the next rose?
~ Cassie gets the next rose. Just make me a producer.
~ The final rose better go to Katie. I can’t handle both of them leaving tonight.
~ Oh, just spit in my pasta and call it parmesan cheese at this point.
~ Heather got the final rose, as I try to regain some level of professionalism.
~ Katie is gone.
~ Hey, I called it earlier when I said her remark was foreshadowing her dismissal. Same with the Demi phone call to her mom.
~ The scenes they show us in the first 10 minutes of every episode aren’t random. If you pay attention, you can figure out who’s going home.
~ Katie deserved more time. This is unjust. She’s a medical sales representative! Heather is a “been kissed”!
~ Colton is alarmed by Sydney and Katie telling him there are some girls there, who are not ready for marriage.
~ Katie just gave Colton the warning of all warnings.
~ “Am I missing something?” – Colton
~ YOU SHOULD BE MISSING DEMI AND KATIE.
~ I need to cool off.
~ Colton is telling the other girls that he’s been informed that some of them aren’t ready for this.
~ Heck, I wasn’t ready for this.
~ He’s planting a seed, hoping someone takes the bait and spills the beans next week.
~ All these girls are trying not to freak out right now.
~ Tayshia is whispering to Kirpa that it’ll be them in the final two. I’m not convinced.
~ And that’s a wrap on Vietnam.
~ They just spoiled who’s gonna be in the final four.
~ It looks like Colton hops the fence next week.
I hope he rips his pants, but in an obscure spot so he doesn’t notice it until that night when he gets back to his hotel room.
I’m about ready to hop a fence. This was awful.
Join us again, next week, for alternative programming because this show is cancelled.
I’m kidding, we’ll be back with Viewing Notes for Episode 7, but I’m not going to like it.