1. I’ve never seen an episode of Spongebob, so when that whole Super Bowl halftime show controversy sailed over my head, I didn’t even know it flew over.
2. I also don’t know what a Travis Scott or a Big Boi is. One has two first names and the other has none?
3. If the ice cream flavour has the word “Gobs” in the title, it’s probably not for me.
4. Coach’s Corner with Don Cherry is Canada’s version of the State of the Union Address.
5. The sight of a parent with their kid’s backpack on their back, will always look weird to me.
6. Going back to regular boxer shorts after wearing long sleeve underwear for two months, takes some getting used to.
7. Starting in the late 90s/early 2000s, my dad and I would point out “Ed Sushi, Section 123!” at Blue Jays games. I realized this week that Ed Sushi is not a thing. It’s Edo Sushi. We’re both devastated. Send flowers.
8. Putting your signal on after you’re already halfway into the next lane is like knocking on a door after opening it just a crack.
9. Showers should come with two shower heads. One for water, one for soap.
10. I still think people who put ketchup on macaroni and cheese are playing a really long con on the rest of us. They don’t actually do it, right?
11. Auston Matthews’ parents were standing ten feet away from me the other night, for five minutes. I didn’t know what to do, so I texted three people, who all freaked out and told me to go hug them.
11.5 Auston Matthews is a star player on the Toronto Maple Leafs.
12. I’ve only met three famous people in my life and they’re all television personalities from Toronto. I wasn’t born with the urge to meet celebrities.
13. In real life, no one asks questions on behalf of their friend.
14. I haven’t watched the Marie Kondo Netflix show yet because I found out her whole schtick is “throw it out if it doesn’t spark joy”. I’ve been using that same mindset for the last five years and no one gave me a Netflix show.
14.5 Just let me be bitter and petty about it, okay.
15. Ever wake up from a dream before it ends and try to immediately go back to sleep to see how it ends? Never works.
16. You know two people are meant for each other when neither of them bother to pick up the weekly newspaper that’s been sitting at the end of their driveway for three days.
16.5 To my future wife who will inevitably read all of my blog posts someday, if the newspaper sits outside for more than six hours, we’ve failed.
17. Every street has a guy with a snowblower, who sprays their snow back into the road.
18. Poppy Red was always the better red crayon.
19. The chocolate chip muffin at Tim Hortons has stolen my heart. I don’t even bother with donuts anymore.
20. It’s always an empty feeling when there’s an available seat next to me on the subway, but none of the people who have been standing for fifteen minutes sit down.
21. Thirty years from now, the oldies station will just be a lot of Coldplay, with “Drops of Jupiter” and “Mr. Brightside” playing every 15 minutes because everything else is too much of an embarrassment.
22. 2009 was 10 years ago. Makes me sad whenever I think about it, if I’m honest.
23. I’d prefer if Kenny Omega signed with WWE instead of with his pals in All Elite Wrestling. I don’t think AEW has the type of talent he can have big matches with. Would feel like a step sideways.
24. Patiently waiting for any word on the Formula 1 behind-the-scenes documentary series that’s supposed to be coming to Netflix “early this year”.
25. I’ll never get over someone pronouncing Arkansas as “Are Kansas” in high school during a read around in English class.
26. This season of Celebrity Big Brother has exceeded my expectations.
27. I don’t think Kyle Lowry will ever forgive the Raptors for trading DeMar DeRozan.
28. If there’s a difference between green, red, orange, and yellow bell peppers, I can’t taste it.
29. Oh, the Philadelphia 76ers just made a trade for Tobias Harris after Pascal Siakam walked all over Mike Muscala, who is heading to the Clippers. The 76ers still don’t scare me.
30. That “Baby Shark” song was introduced to my ears in 2010. Send me your retroactive pity.
31. In kindergarten, we had to bring in a book so I brought in a Winnie The Pooh pop-up book called, A Trick or Treat Surprise. Christopher Robin surprised them at a party when he revealed himself as the person in the ghost costume.
31.5 As if they had any other human friends it could’ve been…
32. When I’m not watching sports, I like sniffing around the hot food section of grocery stores.
33. I don’t have enough patience to dip chips in anything.
34. The words “pitchers and catchers report” just mean it’s the beginning of a drawn out Spring Training and never-ending updates about how guys are “in the best shape of their life”.
34.5 That’s great, but I’ve already pencilled you in for your annual stint on the DL.
35. Do butterflies like butter on their popcorn or does that not fly with them?
36. Do butterflies get butterflies in their stomachs when they’re nervous, or do they just flatulate, like skunks?
37. I like to think that each animal species has a union representative and once a year they all get together for meetings.
37.5 Good luck getting this thought out of your head.
38. What did the dog say to the tree? Bark.
39. The year is 2075. People are still saying “don’t @ me”.
40. What happened to Old Zealand?
41. Imagine if our brains typed out a transcript of every thought we have throughout the day and then posted it to social media without our consent?
42. The older you get, the more passwords you have to remember.
43. Kids love vending machines.
44. Friends is a good show, but I can’t relate to the people who will re-watch episodes over and over again. I’d rather spend the time watching something I haven’t seen.
45. If food could get married, lettuce and tomato would be like, “We grew up together!”, while a carrot muffin and butter would say, “We’re so opposite, but it works.”
46. Waving at people in cars and motioning for truck drivers to honk is something we all did while riding the school bus.
47. Survivor would be a fun game to play, but I couldn’t hack it as a contestant. The lack of food, constant sun exposure, and physical exertion while dehydrated, would give me too many headaches. Literally.
48. I took a sneak peek at the new Twitter. It’s fine, but the current layout is perfect as it is.
49. Shows I’d like to see added to Netflix include: Home Improvement, Saved By The Bell, Family Matters, Malcolm in the Middle, and the original American Gladiators.
50. Life is but a game of Bingo.
Written While Listening To: I Need My Girl – The National