This can’t be worse than the Super Bowl. This can’t be worse than the Super Bowl. This can’t be worse than the Super Bowl. This can’t be worse than the Super Bowl. This can’t be worse than the Super Bowl.
Join me in welcoming back Cass, whose thoughts will appear in bold, as always.
I don’t even know how I’ll stay up for this whole episode, but here we go.
~ They’re in Thailand this week. Who on the Ministry of Tourism signed off on this? You don’t need this show’s publicity. You’re THAILAND.
~ This hotel is really damn nice.
~ The date card arrives and it is for Heather. She’s so excited and just can’t hide it, she’s about to lose control and I think she likes it.
~ The Pointer Sisters.
~ Is it just me or is Heather really boney looking?
~ “Welcome to Thailand.” – Colton
~ Ugh, this again. Colton, you’re also visiting Thailand. You can’t welcome someone to a place where you’re also a visitor!
~ They hop on a boat. This whole date is built around Heather experiencing her first kiss.
~ Back at the hotel, Elyse is tearing up because she’s realizing she’s sharing a boyfriend.
~ Heather and Colton are exploring a market, looking at monkeys, and eating.
~ EWW STOP, please stop showing Colton eating and licking his fingers.
~ WHO CALLED FOR THIS EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF COLTON’S MOUTH?
~ I’m glad they went all the way to Thailand not to get to know each other, but to have a date built around, “will they kiss?”
~ So Heather went out with a guy for almost 8 months and he didn’t try to kiss her….I don’t believe it.
~ Back at the hotel, the next group date is for: Demi, Caelynn, Hannah B., Sydney, Tayshia, Kirpa, Onyeka, Nicole, Hannah G., and Elyse.
~ This means Cassie is getting a one-on-one date.
~ Note to future contestants: If you don’t get a one-on-one date by the end of Episode 5, you ain’t the one.
~ Oh great, Heather and Colton’s dinner conversation is about how she hasn’t kissed anyone.
~ If I had to write a test on things I’ve learned about each contestant this season, I’d fail.
~ Heather gets the group date rose, but no kiss.
~ The producers, thankfully, shortened this date for us, that was painfully boring.
~ They’re now on a beach by the fire and…
~ FIREWORKS TO ADD EXCITEMENT.
~ They finally kiss. Well, that’s over with.
~ What was that giggle Heather, come on girl.
~ When he sends Heather home in three weeks because he doesn’t think she can “get there”, remember this comment.
~ Back at the hotel, Elyse’s ship is continuing to sink. She leaves, wearing a dress, as Heather returns.
~ WHERE IS ELYSE GOING?
~ Elyse arrives at Colton’s door. If it was that easy to find him, why doesn’t everyone else?
~ OMG, she’s at his room.
~ You know it’s a serious conversation when there’s no music in the background.
~ She’s gone crazy.
~ He’s telling her that he’s genuinely excited about their relationship and she’s like, “I can’t accept a proposal after two months of sharing your time with 29 other social media influencers.”
~ Does Elyse not know how this show works?
~ If Colton really liked her, he wouldn’t pressure her into a proposal by the end of this show.
~ She’s going home. Elyse is going home.
~ And goodbye Elyse.
~ Colton doesn’t understand how Elyse could give up on him.
~ YOU’RE DATING A DOZEN OTHER WOMEN WHILE SHE SITS AT HOME AND HEARS THEM TALK ABOUT YOU.
~ Oh great, we’re back from commercial with another vlog from Colton. Nobody wants these.
~ Oh, group date time.
~ They’re in the Khao Lak Jungle.
~ Welcome to the jungle, we got fun and games, we got everything you want, we know the names.
~ Guns ‘N Roses.
~ Colton is there with his “friend” Joe, who was raised in the jungle.
~ I’m waiting for Demi to chime in with, “Alright Joe, if that’s your real name….” but she’s not. Just when I thought we were on the same humour wavelength…
~ That was a weak ass welcome to give Joe, that man deserves a better hello.
~ They are hiking through the jungle because Colton wants his wife to be able to go on adventures. He couldn’t just check their Instagram bios instead?
~ “Elephant poo. It’s starts a fire when it’s dry.” The more you know!
~ Hannah B. just called herself “Hannah Beast”. I can’t stop laughing.
~ Every group date turns into a school field trip.
~ Eels and scorpions, what the hell is this?
~ Snakes are Colton’s worst fear. He didn’t conquer it, but he attempted to hold it. Ugh. Just go to a bowling alley, this is boring,
~ Flashback to the time I held a gecko. Still waiting for it to hold me.
~ They’re being divided into three teams and need to bring back water and food. Guys, you’re not on Survivor. You’re a car ride away from civilization.
~ Are we about to watch the bachelor version of Survivor?
~ Colton and Tayshia are kissing, while Nicole and Katie watch from afar. Yay, dating!
~ Joey Jungle asks each team what they found.
~ Demi’s team comes back with burgers, fries, and beer. Yes, Demi! That’s the humour I’ve grown to expect!
~ Time for my weekly, “Never send Demi home” comment.
~ It’s just hitting me that Elyse went all the way to Thailand, just to leave the next day. What a smart business decision! Free trip.
~ Meanwhile, Chris Harrison is nowhere to be seen tonight.
~ We’re at the night portion of the jungle date and Hannah B. says she would do well if there were a zombie apocalypse.
~ Now Hannah B. says she’s falling in love with him.
~ HOLD THE PICKLES, HOLD THE LETTUCE, SAYING THAT ON EPISODE 5 REALLY UPSET US.
~ “Hometowns are up next.” – Nicole
~ Hometowns are not for, at least, another four episodes.
~ WATCH THE PRODUCT, NICOLE.
~ Onyeka sits down with Colton and tells him that Elyse told her that Nicole is on the show so she can find an opportunity to leave Miami.
~ Oh snap, crackle, pop. This is about to get crispy.
~ I feel like I’ve waited forever for this.
~ It just came out that Nicole wasn’t there for the right reasons. Guys, come on.
~ Colton confronts Nicole with this piece of gossip. She denies it and says she’s there because she hasn’t been able to find love.
~ If Rihanna can find love in a hopeless place, Nicole can find love on The Bachelor. It’s the same thing, really.
~ “I’m gonna take her to get air” – YOU’RE OUTSIDE
~ Meanwhile, the other girls are talking about Nicole’s situation and Tayshia says she never said any of the things she’s being accused of saying.
~ “Here for the right reasons.” – Nicole
~ Orange really doesn’t look good on Demi.
~ Take that back. Thou shalt not slander Demi. She’s the only one making this show interesting.
~ Hannah B. gets the group date rose because the pageant drama is no longer a storyline, so he likes her now.
~ It’s raining outside and it’s kinda putting me to sleep.
~ Time for Cassie’s date. They’re getting on a boat to go exploring.
~ If this show could marry a boat, it wood.
~ GET IT? IT WOOD? A BOAT? WOOD? BOAT?
~ I’m going insane.
~ Cassie and Colton are on their own private island.
~ I might need to add this to my future boyfriend pre-recs. I mean, how awkward would it be being all like, “Take me to my own island on a date, or else.”
~ It’ll be just them and a camera crew, which is no different from any other date because this show shuts places down to film.
~ Oh, they’re just going to kiss the whole time. Could’ve just rented out a walk-in closet.
~ Now, they’re in the water kissing. Could’ve just rented out a bathtub.
~ I’ve learned -3 things about Cassie on this date. Yes, I typed negative three.
~ In an alternate universe, there’s an episode of The Bachelor where we learn so many things about each person, to the point where we can say to ourselves, “Yeah, I think they’d make a great match because of x, y, and z.”
~ It’s time for the night portion of the date and they’re kissing again. Could’ve just rented out the moon.
~ They talk, they don’t eat, they kiss again.
~ What’s this? Background commentary from Kirpa? Wow.
~ Why does Kirpa have a bandaid on her chin?
~ WHO HURT YOU?
~ Cassie and Colton are now laying in bed. Could’ve just rented out a Sleep Country.
~ Okay, safe to say she’s in the top three, probably top two.
~ He is “crazy about Cassie”. Is he allowed to say that?
~ I was gonna keep a tally of how many times he kisses anyone on the show, but I’ve already lost count.
~ It’s time for the cocktail party and you could cut the tension with safety scissors, as Onyeka and Nicole try and avoid each other.
~ Seriously, why does Kirpa have a bandage on her chin? Is this her way of trying to stand out? Because it’s working.
~ Demi gives him a trust ring. Yes, Demi! That bought you at least three more weeks.
~ Kirpa is flossing his teeth. FLOSSING HIS TEETH.
~ Time for Nicole to talk to Colton about anything other than their future together.
~ “I don’t want a boyfriend. I don’t want an Instagram husband.” – Nicole
~ Wait, what is an Instagram husband? Is that like having a work wife?
~ “Onyeka has been bullying me since the moment I met her.” – Nicole
~ Nicole talks likes she writes, in that her sentences are very structured, almost like she rehearsed these lines earlier.
~ Colton takes Onyeka aside to ask about the bullying allegation.
~ Colton, man, you’re wasting your time with these people. Send everyone but Cassie, Caelynn, and Hannah G. home.
~ Oh, and keep Demi. Always keep Demi.
~ Time for Onyeka and Nicole to fight each other.
~ “How dare you spread lies about me to OUR boyfriend! Hurrumph!” – #UnsaidQuotes
~ “Why would Colton waste his time with this petty drama.” – Tayshia
~ Well said, Tayshia! I said it better myself, but I appreciate you backing me up. You can stay, too.
~ Colton now abandons his alone time with Katie to diffuse the bickering. Katie can stay, too. She deserves more time.
~ Nicole will not stop talking. Colton is leaving.
~ Colton goes for a walk on the beach and the girls don’t know what he’s thinking.
~ HE’S THINKING THAT HE WANTS TO SEND EVERYONE HOME, EXCEPT: CASSIE, CAELYNN, HANNAH G., DEMI, TAYSHIA, AND KATIE BECAUSE SHE DESERVES MORE TIME.
~ I feel like Colton is “confused” or “flustered” or has some sort of mixed feelings at every cocktail party.
~ This is so awkward.
~ There is no Rose Ceremony this episode and no sign of Chris Harrison. I’d send out a search party, but we all know he is in the freezer, staying young.
I can’t believe I stayed up for this, see you all next week.
Well, at least this wasn’t worse than the Super Bowl.