Viewing Notes: The Bachelor (Colton) – Ep. 4

Hit the floor, it’s time for episode four! I’m assuming the contingent of beavers who read my blog, are the only ones hitting the floor right now. Shame shame.

At this time, I’d like to bring in Cass, whose thoughts will appear in bold throughout this post.

~ Can you believe we get to go to Singapore tonight?

~ The girls are in the middle of a math lesson, as they realize they started with 30, but are now at 15. That’s like 1/5 of the people they started with. #BachelorMath

~ In walks the hostess without the cupcake – Chris Harrison, who looks like a supply teacher who doesn’t know if he’s in the right class.

~ Chris Harrison Sleeve Watch: Rolled UP

~ We start tonight with Chris calling Hannah the wrong name.

~ He “accidentally” called her Caelynn. Way to put the “I” in “scripted”, Chris.

~ It’s going to be a long night.

~ There is no date today because they’re going to Singapore.

~ In other the words, the people they’re renting the mansion from are back from vacation.

~ Let’s be real, they are way more excited to go on this trip than they are to hang out with Colton.

~ “Where is Singapore?” – why Hannah

~ Why is Nicole still here?

~ Singapore looks great at night. The city lights aren’t just lights, they have some pizzazz.

~ Always the pricy hotels eh ABC, let us see the girls try to make it in a hut.

~ While we’re at it, let’s see them at a Pizza Hut too. All the huts.

~ Duh, your feet are soaked because you went too close to the water…..

~ Tayshia is getting a one-on-one date. Everyone is fake excited for her. Facial expressions never lie.

~ Back from commercial, Colton is again filming a home video. Does he want to become a vlogger after this show? Where are the quick cut edits?

~ Time for the date. They’re going bungee jumping. I hope they both had a huge breakfast.

~ They’re both scared and aren’t even jumping together! Well, this is one way to break up with someone.

~ No offence, but I would not bungee jump for Colton, he is not worth it.

~ They jump. No one pukes. The show continues.

~ Time for dinner! I spy with my two eyes, something that is empty. Give up? It’s their stomachs. Because they don’t eat!

~ You guys can tell by now when I intentional make a joke unfunny, right? God, I hope so.

~ Tayshia tells him she got a divorce this past year, from her first boyfriend.

~ Back at the hotel, the next date card is for: Hannah G., Elyse, Kirpa, Sydney, Heather, Onyeka, Tracy, Nicole, Demi, Courtney, Katie, Cassie, and Hannah B.

~ Which means, Caelynn (Miss North Carolina) is getting the one-on-one. And the pageant drama continues!

~ Back on the date, Colton gives Tayshia a rose and takes her on the giant ferris wheel that overlooks Singapore.

~ They are the only ones on it, so I guess you can say it’s FERRIS WHEEL’S DAY OFF!

~ I zoned out….what did I miss. 

~ Time for the group date! There are 13 girls on the date, so when they buddy up, one person will have to go with the teacher – Mr. Underwood.

~ 13 women, 1 Colton. Good luck, buddy.

~ Oh snap, pageant drama and Demi.

~ Oh hey, they’re getting leeches put on their skin. There’s an analogy here but I can’t quite get it to stick.

~ Demi clinging to Colton is making this episode.

~ “Do you guys wanna pet my leech?” – CUE THE CORNY

~ Courtney wishes her parents didn’t sign the permission slip for this field trip.

~ She asks if the leeches are FDA approved.

~ I would be Courtney asking all these questions.

~ They come across a fortune teller in the street, who says that Cassie is Colton’s sister from a past life.

~ Cassie and Colton, sitting in a tree, arguing about who gets to watch TV.

~ Meanwhile, Hannah B. thinks Colton’s ignoring her because she was annoying last week.

~ It could be that, or the fact he brought a baker’s dozen amount of people on this date AND CAN’T TALK TO ALL OF YOU.

~ It’s time for lunch and for the first time ever, they are eating food on this show. What is the food? I couldn’t tell you, but Hannah just said she ate a fish eye, so we’ll take her word for it.

~ I would not eat a fish eye for anybody. NEXT.

~ Hannah’s nose is burnt!

~ Oh look, even Singapore has couches for everyone to sit on for the night portion of a group date. I was getting worried.

~ Hannah steals him away and Colton tells her he’s okay with her and Caelynn having beef. Of course he is, the two-on-one date isn’t for another episode or two.

~ Colton and his sister from a former life, Cassie, are alone now as the camera zooms in on them.

~ “That’s not a kiss a sister would give.” – Oh, are they going to write their own jokes now?

~ This show is two seconds away from going to a black screen.

~ Katie brings Colton special chocolates.

~ Sydney wraps him up in mummy tape.

~ Hannah G. is reading his palm. It says, “Let me give you a hand.” GET IT? IT’S BECAUSE IT’S A HAND.

~ Courtney is upset she’s not getting any time, while Demi tells us Courtney’s strategy is lazy.

~ Demi just gave Courtney some good words of advice there.

~ And there you have it, so many marriage-like bonds being made in Singapore! I can hardly keep up.

~ Demi is now telling Colton that her mom was released from federal prison this past week.

~ “I’m not judging that at all.” – Colton

~ Colton’s not judging the fact that Demi’s mom was in federal prison, but you could tell by the look on his face, that would hurt his “All-American good boy athlete” look.

~ There’s a joke here I made in my head, but won’t type out.

~ Back on the couch, Courtney is growing more and more perturbed. Demi is annoyed by her nonsense and goes to talk to Colton for the second time tonight.

~ Is Courtney self-sabotaging, or is that just a really comfortable couch?

~ The girls are encouraging Courtney to go talk to Colton. She’s going to do it! She’s off the couch!

~ Courtney is on the move! Andddd she’s talking to Demi. Good heavens.

~ DEMI IS NOT THE BACHELOR.

~ Courtney questions Demi’s maturity so Demi says, “You have the right to feel that way and I have the right to not care. I’m over you.”

~ Colton must never send Demi home. Give her immunity until the final two.

~ DEMI IS GETTING THE GROUP DATE ROSE. YES!

~ Uh she got the rose.

~ Definitely shut everyone up there.

~ Courtney didn’t talk to Colton at all tonight. Has she never seen the show?

~ Night has turned to day and it is time for Caelynn’s date. Her arch-nemesis, Hannah B., is trying to stare daggers through her face.

~ They’re going shopping because Colton likes to splurge every once in a while. In other words, the producers gave him a Singaporean credit card.

~ So we get bungee jumping, leeches, and a shopping spree tonight. Next week they’re going to solve a four-piece puzzle and then nap. You heard it here first.

~ Caelynn is trying on a bunch of dresses. This feels like the part of the episode where Cass can take over for a bit.

~ I just love all of Caelynn’s clothes.

~ Look at all those bags.

~ Oh what? Caelynn is back at the hotel? So soon?

~ Caelynn just walks in with a freaking armful of bags and of course the Valentino one is front and centre.

~ “Hey, look what your boyfriend bought me.” – #UnsaidQuotes

~ Jesus, I love those shoes.

~ Caelynn is holding an impromptu show-and-tell session now.

~ This would so not be easy to watch.

~ I’m just gonna put this out there: Caelynn is 100% taking Colton’s virginity.

~ They are out for dinner now.

~ Caelynn shares with him that she was sexually assaulted in college.

~ I’m shook right now.

~ Caelynn’s story is every girls nightmare.

~ It is time for the cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony, which is taking place at the Fairmont Singapore!

~ Fairmont Singapore – Yours to Discover!

~ Colton and Hannah G. mess up the perfectly made bed in his room, and then fix it up before leaving. How considerate.

~ Caelynn has pulled Hannah B. aside.

~ Pageant problems in the ‘Pore shall persist! Say that 486 times fast.

~ “We used to be good friends and then we had a tiff.” – Hannah

~ WHAT WAS THE TIFF?

~ Caelynn wants to squash the beef. They both apologize!

~ THEY’RE HUGGING?

~ What show is this? They didn’t even have a moderator. They squashed their problems with a mature, adult conversation.

~ I’m glabberfasted.

~ Word War 3 averted for now, now we just have to make it through Demi and Courtney drama.

~ The Courtney and Demi drama has moved into the main event spot on the card.

~ Demi goes to tell Colton that Courtney is the cancer of the house and she isn’t deserving of his heart.

~ Courtney walks in on them kissing. Oh, these producers are smooth with their timing cues.

~ Courtney claims Demi isn’t there for the right reasons and she’s here to “play the game.”

~ It’s all about the game and how play it. It’s all about control and if you can take it. All about your debt and if you can pay it. It’s all about pain and who’s gonna make it.

~ Oh Courtney, spending your time with Colton, bashing Demi, will get you sent home ASAP.

~ This is Colton’s worst nightmare.

~ Hey Colton, go bribe the production crew with your Singaporean credit card and ask them if you can review some footage for 20 minutes while they’re all “on a break”.

~ After how many seasons, we can all agree that most people are not there for the right reasons.

~ I wish you guys could see how serious this show was in 2002. Back when getting married was more important than Instagram followers.

~ Courtney returns to the group and confronts Demi.

~ Safe to say Colton won’t pick either of them in the end, so can I fast forward as they argue with each other?

~ Hannah trying not to laugh is all of us.

~ Christopher O’Harr-ison – the airport, himself – walks in and says it’s time to land the plane.

~ It’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Not to be confused with the Rosé Ceremony, which is a Bachelor Italy staple.

~ Chris was totally eavesdropping and waiting for that argument to be over.

~ Rose ceremonies would be so stressful. 

~ Bed maker extraordinaire, Hannah G., gets a rose.

~ Heather gets a rose. Did she say one word this episode?

~ Kirpa gets a rose. She gets no screen time.

~ Hannah B. gets a rose.

~ Katie gets a rose.

~ I’m starting to realize tonight’s episode revolved around six people and the rest were just there as extras.

~ Elyse gets a rose.

~ Sydney gets a rose.

~ Sister in a former life, Cassie, gets a rose. Should’ve never gone to that fortune teller.

~ Nicole gets a rose.

~ Onyeka gets the final rose.

~ He only has a real connection with 3-4 people. This is a waste of time.

~ Courtney is going home.

~ Tracy is going home. The cougar den days are over.

~ ABC’s budget for this season is interesting.

It’s done.

I’m off to shovel the snow for the second time in three hours. If this doesn’t get posted, it’s because I made a snow bed on the front lawn and never came back in.