Viewing Notes: The Bachelor (Colton) – Ep. 2

Welcome back to viewing notes for episode two of, Hey, Can I Talk To You? otherwise known as, The Bachelor.

~ We start out with a shirtless Colton filming a home video from his bed, telling us the first group date will be at a theatre. Have they cut the production budget this season?

~ At the mansion, Chris H. is holding a house meeting.

~ And with that we have our first Chris Harrison Sleeve Watch of the season. They are ROLLED UP.

~ Demi, Bri, Tracy, Elyse, Hannah G., Nicole, Onyeka, and Catherine are on the group date.

~ “I’ve never gone on a date with seven other women.” NO ONE HAS.

~ Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally greet them at the theatre because it isn’t The Bachelor unless every date has a celebrity chaperone.

~ “Today is all about firsts.”

~ As in, I am now pressing the fast forward button for the first time tonight.

~ They all have to write a story about their first something and present it to an audience of 200 people. This should be nauseating. Chuck buckets at the ready.

~ You know how people joke about giving Ted Talks? Well, this is exactly what they’re about to do.

~ Elyse talks about how this is her first time dating a younger guy.

~ Demi is proud of her for admitting it because “there’s no advantage to being an older woman here.” Okay then.

~ Nicole talks about how Colton is white bread. No mention of butter.

~ Hannah G. talks about one of the most meaningful roses she’s ever received – the first impression rose.

~ This is a really dumb group date idea to kick off the season. Might as well let them give a speech on what their Instagram theme is and what it says about them as a person.

~ Onyeka talks about her whistle and snorkel.

~ Catherine goes up on stage and says she’s a good swimmer and then knocks down the mic stand.

~ THAT MIC STAND HAD A FAMILY, CATHERINE!

~ Tracy tells a dramatic story where someone punches her in the face.

~ Demi’s speech ends when she goes to kiss Colton in the front row, in front of everyone.

~ Back at the house, Hannah B. (Miss Alabama) gets the date card for the one-on-one.

~ Fake squeals of joy fill the room. Why do they even pretend to be happy for her?

~ Back at the night portion of the group date, they are at a club, sitting on a couch, waiting to talk to Colton. Exciting!

~ Demi steals him away first to go “chit chat”. She’s quick on the draw. The others need to work on their starts.

~ Demi comes back and grabs the group date rose and jokes, “this is mine.”

~ Tracy is really, really, really, really offended that she did that because how dare you pick up a rose that’s not yours?

~ Elyse tells him all the girls aged 27-31 are in a room together at the mansion, which they call the Cougar Den.

~ Just a reminder that the bachelor last season was 36-years-old and had to date a bunch of women who were fresh out of college.

~ Now Tracy is venting to Onyeka that it wasn’t Demi’s place to touch the rose.

~ Editing is making Tracy look really obsessed about this rose thing. They don’t have to show Tracy talking about it 486 times, but they will because every person needs a schtick.

~ Oh no, now she’s going to tell Demi that she’s really bothered by her actions. Which producer put her up to this?

~ Why does there always have to be one person who preaches from the moral high ground? You’re on The Bachelor! There is no moral high ground! Read the contract.

~ “In elementary school, we were told to keep our hands to ourselves and not touch items that were not ours. It was called the ‘Don’t you dare lay a finger on my stuff’ rule and by golly that rule shall apply here too.”

~ Colton tells Hannah G. that there’s something about her that reminds him of home. Demi spies on them as they kiss.

~ Demi says she is not worried about the others because she is what he needs.

~ Demi has been within five feet of him for about 38 total minutes. Let’s pump the brakes.

~ Nicole says she would propose right now…after their conversation on the first date…of the second episode.

~ Elyse gets the group date rose. And the cougars roar!

~ The other girls are thrilled for her. Oh wait, they aren’t.

~ “I really like everything about him, hopefully he feels the same way.” – Nicole

~ IT’S THE SECOND EPISODE.

~ Hannah B. is going on a date on her birthday, while the rest of the house could not care less.

~ He’s taking her to a place called Vasquez Rocks which looks like a place where people go hiking and never return.

~ They’re riding horses, so they won’t actually have to do any walking.

~ Caelynn (Miss North Carolina) is saying she knows Hannah B. (Miss Alabama). They competed at Miss USA together and were roommates, but then Hannah wasn’t happy that Caelynn was first runner-up, while she didn’t even place.

~ #PageantDrama

~ Basically, Caelynn did better than Hannah at a competition where the outcome was determined by judges, so naturally, Hannah is mad at Caelynn.

~ Am I missing something here?

~ Back on the date, they park the horses and hop in a hot tub.

~ Again, am I missing something here?

~ Colton wants her to make a toast. She doesn’t want to. She didn’t prepare for the question portion of this competition.

~ Silence.

~ She makes a toast to her birthday and “this amazing day.”

~ I’d cringe, but I was already cringing.

~ Colton tells the camera this date hasn’t gone like he expected it to.

~ “I’m not going to forget this birthday.” – Hannah

~ There’s not a lot of conversation coming from her, but then again, there’s an entire camera crew watching them sit in a hot tub in the middle of nowhere, so if she feels awkward, it’s understandable.

~ It’s time for the dinner portion of the date and they’re on a boat, sitting at the tiny round table that is present on every Bachelor one-on-one date in history.

~ If that table could talk…

~ Hannah says she always feels the need to be perfect.

~ Back at the house, Heather reveals she’s never been kissed.

~ Oh, there’s a knock at the door! Everyone hide! Act like no one’s home and maybe they’ll go away!

~ Ah, it was just a date card. Of course. Let’s see what it says.

~ “On Dasher, on Dancer, on Prancer, on Vixen, on Comet, on Cupid, on Donner, and Blitzen. I can snow you the world.”

~ Whoops, wrong date card.

~ Alex, Erika, Katie, Caelynn, Sydney, Tayshia, Nina, Kirpa, Caitlyn, Courtney, Cassie, and Heather are on the group date.

~ Back on the boat, he gives Hannah a rose, which keeps alive the possibility of a two-on-one date down the road against Miss North Carolina.

~ Hannah has mentioned it’s her birthday about eighteen times. If it weren’t her birthday, does she get a rose?

~ Spoiler Alert: Next week, she’ll tell us it’s her birthday month and two weeks from now it’ll be her birthday year.

~ It’s the next day and they are at Camp Bachelor. Oh, here we go.

~ DUCK, DUCK, GOOSE!

~ They have a quick montage of everyone playing a bunch of different sports and activities.

~ I haven’t seen one person drink water or apply sunscreen. This is unrealistic and unsafe. They’re going to get heat stroke and pass out, and then their parents will be notified. A nightmare is coming.

~ Chris Harrison pulls up with comedian, Billy Eichner, on a golf cart. Billy is the camp counsellor for the day.

~ Is he even CPR certified? Where’s his clipboard?

~ Hey Colton, what do you think of Billy Eichner?”

~ “Billy Eichner is very hilarious. He just says what’s on his mind and I’m a big fan.”

~ Thanks for the soundbite, Colton! We’ll play it while showing images of you smiling in his general direction, to make it seem like you guys are friends and he is here to help you find love, and this wasn’t set up by his publicist!

~ Chris Harrison Sleeve Watch: ROLLED UP

~ They’re breaking up into two teams, the losing team goes home. The winning team sleeps over and has to deal with bees and “that one snorer”.

~ Overnight camp is not all bells and whistles and snorkels, kids.

~ Billy sits down with Colton and says: “Alright, I just met you…” which completely ruins the friendship narrative they were trying to establish when Colton smiled in his general direction earlier.

~ The girls run out – half of them are in yellow, the other half are in red. Both teams seem to be sponsored by McDonald’s.

~ I’m going to call them Team Mustard and Team Ketchup. A battle of the condiments!

~ We shall relish this…………..

~ Courtney of Team Yellow is in it to win it and tells us she gave her team a motivational speech.

~ “I told the girls – blood, sweat, tears. Crying!”

~ I like her gusto and leadership! Gotta be on the same page if you want to read a book.

~ There are three competitions. The first one is a relay race. Let’s wheel those barrows!

~ The red team wins the relay race.

~ Everyone into the canoes! Team Ketchup goes off course because there’s no way they’d have a best of three competition and let one team go up 2-0, so Team Mustard takes the win, easily.

~ Time for tug-of-war.

~ Hope they put some sand or chalk on their hands before this.

~ I like how in every tug-of-war competition that ever existed, the participants feel the need to yell “PULL!” while pulling the rope, as if everyone else is not already pulling.

~ Team Ketchup wins the battle and get to stay overnight.

~ Team Mustard goes home to the mansion because Colton has plenty of time to get to know them at another time. 

~ The five mustardteers tell everyone else that Team Ketchup is camping with Colton. They’re all happy for the opportunity the women on the date have.

~ Heather tells Colton she’s never kissed anyone before. He doesn’t want her to feel ashamed.

~ Back at the mansion, Hannah B. is talking about Caelynn. #PageantDrama

~ Caelynn works with kids in childrens’ hospitals because she was hospitalized when she was two (swelling of the brain) and almost passed away, and had a 10% chance of ever walking.

~ Heather gets the group date rose and Colton walks them to their cabin, which has a “no boys allowed” rule.

~ I told you overnight camp isn’t what you think it is. They just went from a mansion to a cabin.

~ It’s time for the cocktail party. Colton walks in.

~ “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii”

~ Courtney is nervous tonight because her pre-game speech didn’t work and her team was sent home. Don’t worry Courtney, it’s all about taking responsibility while shifting blame.

~ She’s the oldest of five kids and her youngest sibling is two-years-old.

~ Her typical Saturday is going to soccer practice and bringing the snacks.

~ Courtney might be too good for this show. She doesn’t come across as rehearsed. I’m a fan.

~ Sydney tells him she tried really hard in the canoe competition and she cheated by sticking her ore in the other boat and pulled them backwards.

~ I like it. You play to win the game. Hello? You play to win the game. You don’t play to just play it.

~ Onyeka interrupts their chat with an air horn.

~ Sydney returns, banging pots and pans.

~ I don’t know if “obnoxiously interrupts conversations” is something Colton is looking for in a future wife.

~ Tracy gets her alone time with Colton, but is interrupted by Demi in a robe. She takes him to a room and gives him a massage.

~ It’s no coincidence she interrupted Tracy’s chat, since Tracy was angry at the group date when Demi touched the rose without permission.

~ This seems planned.

~ Demi and Tracy are talking now. Tracy asks for respect. Demi tells her she’s an amazing storyteller.

~ Awwww you hear that, guys? They hate each other but won’t say it to the other’s face. How cute.

~ Christopher C. Harrison enters the room and ends the evening. The sleeves have come down.

~ Time for the Rose Ceremony.

~ Tayshia gets the first rose.

~ Cassie gets a rose.

~ Caelynn gets a rose.

~ Captain of Team Mustard, Courtney, gets a rose.

~ Demi gets a rose, as opposed to a robe. Imagine they handed out robes on this show instead of roses?

~ Nicole gets a rose.

~ Kirpa gets a rose.

~ Hannah G. gets a rose because she reminds him of home.

~ Catherine gets a rose.

~ Bri gets a rose.

~ Sydney gets a rose. Her pots and pans were loud.

~ Onyeka gets a rose. Her air horn was louder.

~ Katie gets a rose.

~ Caitlyn aka one half of the All-Canadian tag team, Celsius, gets a rose.

~ Colton looks like James Corden. It’s been bugging me all night.

~ Nina gets a rose.

~ Tracy gets the final rose, of course.

~ Alex is going home, which means the All-Canadian tag team (Celsius) is no more. They never really heated up.

~ Erika is going home.

~ Angelique is going home.

~ Annie is going home.

~ Conspiracy theorists will say he has something against names that start with a vowel.

~ Onyeka is the last vowel standing.

Well, that’s it! See you all next week!

Let me know your thoughts on Episode 2 in the comments below. If you were on this show, what would your schtick be – how would you come across on TV?

Episode 1 | 2