Chew On This

Okay, let’s talk.

Yesterday my good friend, Raman, guest posted on my blog. We’ve known each other in real life for almost five years. You should probably read her post – The Childchewer – if you haven’t already, because this is my response to it. My version of the truth, if you will.

The gist of it was that we met at camp and she deemed me a “childchewer” because I looked intimidating, but then we somehow turned into really good friends, while having almost nothing in common.

Only in Canada.

I remember her during pre-camp because we had to go around introducing ourselves and when she said we could call her, “Noodles”, everyone laughed. And I made a mental note that I wanted to be friends with her because she seemed to have a sense of humour.

It wasn’t until after camp started that we actually had real conversations, mainly when I would leave some of my kids with her while I went swimming with the rest.

In her version of events, she claims I was 6’7, intimidating, and scary. And from that, she deemed me a childchewer.

In my version, I remember her sitting in a chair at a table, wearing a blue cap that she wore backwards to try and look cool. So if she’s sitting in a chair, of course I’m going to look like a giant.

For the record, I am 6’0 tall on most days. On other days, I’m 5’11 3/4. It all depends on how many numbers I feel like saying at the time.

She didn’t mention that she was only at camp for one month, rather than two. She also failed to mention that we were friends during that one month. It’s not like I walked in a room and she was like, “AHHH CHILDCHEWER”.

Being in the sports program, I was separated from the rest of the camp for most of the day, except for snack time and lunch. I didn’t enjoy that aspect as much, just because I wanted to interact with other campers and counsellors as well, and my time to do that was limited.

Being with a group of 40 boys (ages 6-12) all day was tough, so to keep myself sane there were about 4-5 counsellors I always made an effort to go talk to throughout the day. Raman was one of them.

August rolled around and she was gone, as were most of the people I relied on as a distraction. And that’s when we really became friends and started messaging each other.

It was basically me saying, “Hey, you need to come back and bring the chocolate chip cookies with you.”

On her last day she brought in a container of chocolate chip cookies that tasted like they were express shipped from heaven. Oh my God (literally) they were so good.

In her post, she mentioned something about me sending her a picture of myself making pancakes. Here’s the story behind that, as far as I remember.

At the staff breakfast she organized, which was a Saturday, a bunch of us got an omelette – like a really big, restaurant-sized omelette – myself included. The following Monday, almost everyone who ordered the omelette had a sore throat.

Coincidence? I think not!

I’m assuming the conversation then turned to the fact that she got pancakes and was fine. So I said that I don’t enjoy pancakes from restaurants because they aren’t as good as the homemade pancakes my mom makes.

And then I probably told her that I know how to make pancakes, which she must not have believed since in her head I only eat children.

So I sent her a photo of me looking “thrilled” holding a hand mixer, making pancakes from scratch at a friend’s house while away at university. That was my proof.

Side Story
I’ll never forget the day I made those pancakes. The pancakes turned out terrible. They were hard like hockey pucks. Too much baking powder. In my defence, it wasn’t my kitchen. To make matters worse, it was a student-housing kitchen, which means the stove had seen more horrors than Jamie Lee Curtis and I was doomed from the start.

It was also a bittersweet day because it was me and five friends hanging out for hours and hours, just having the greatest time. Then we all came to the realization that the six of us should’ve planned to live in a house together, but the moment for that to happen had long passed so there was just an overall feeling of, “what could have been.”

Picture the six main characters in Friends, minus the romantic relationships, and that’s what it would’ve been like.

But yeah, restaurant pancakes can take a hike.

Which brings me to the other foods Raman mentioned in her post, that made me sound weird for not liking.

For the record, I’ve never actually tried chocolate milk. It may taste good. Doesn’t matter to me.

For the record, I’ve never actually tried a burrito. I prefer bread over wraps. In Italian culture, we have cannelloni. I love cannelloni. They look like burritos. Does that count for anything?

I don’t like sushi. I’ve tried sushi and my reaction was, “This is what people go crazy about?” And then I’m told, “Oh you have to try different ones.”


Listen, my stomach operates like an economy. The more I eat things I don’t like, the less space I have to eat things I do like. It’s simple opportunity cost.

Please take all of these statements with a large grain of humour. Thank you.

What else was mentioned?

Oh, tea. I can’t do warm drinks. When I have warm soup, I wash it down with a cold drink. If I have a warm drink, what do I wash it down with? Cold soup?

I’ve had tea before and I always want cold water right after because I don’t need my mouth to feel like the Sahara desert.

As for hot chocolate, I’ve outlawed it from my diet ever since I was 5-years-old, participating in the Winter Play Day at school. I got to the rest station in the computer lab and was given a styrofoam cup of hot chocolate.

If you haven’t figured it out by this point, I’ve got an incredible memory for minor details that don’t matter to anyone else.

I can still picture myself drinking from the cup and burning my mouth with it, before someone told me I had to blow on it first. And I knew I had to finish it. There was no dumping it out. So I drank it and didn’t enjoy it. I probably looked for a water fountain afterwards.

If I just criticized a food or beverage you enjoy, I don’t know what to tell you. We’re all different. What you eat, does not matter to me…just as long as you don’t put ketchup on top of your fries like it’s a crime scene.

And if you’re thinking, “Well why don’t you just try the foods you’ve never tried before, in case you like them?” It’s probably stubbornness.

Also, everything in life happens when it’s meant to happen. I feel like I’m in sync with myself (71% of the time) and the reasons why I do, or do not do things. It’s just a feeling. A kind of premonition. I know this sounds so stupid.

But it’s as if different aspects of my life are all building towards the biggest Pay-Pay-View Boxing Match ever, and if I did something before it was the proper time, it would be like giving away the match for free on Cable TV.

Does that make sense to anyone? If it does, we should probably get married because I don’t even know what I just said.

So don’t worry, I will get around to trying all the foods you want me to try. I’m not that stubborn.

This post has trailed so far off path, but it’s me, so what did you expect?

I want to conclude by thanking all of you for the kind messages toward Raman on her post yesterday. I know they made her happy. I also know they made her head really, really big, so I’ll probably have to ignore her for the next week, or so.

Our friendship is hard to explain, but it’s easy for us to understand.

Chew on that.

Tell me about your friendships with people!

That was a terrible prompt, but I’m sticking with it.

About Paul

I think of my blog as an all-you-can-read buffet. There's something for everyone and complimentary mints at the door as you leave.
This entry was posted in Guest Posts, Life and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to Chew On This

  1. Lol! I’ve been meaning to post about how I met my best friend. Its our funniest story to tell. I think I will edit and share now. It involves a sandwich and how it brought us together forever! Haha

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This was a great follow up post and now the girls that live with me are looking at me weird cos I’m just sitting here in a big comfy chair in a dark corner (cos im too lazy to turn on a light) drinking my coffee and giggling at my phone. It I was around old people, they’d be asking me “who is he?!?” Because apparently girls can only giggle at their phones while talking romantically with boys…. pfffttt old people…..

    Ps: I think this pancake mixer picture needs to land itself a prime-time spot in a post!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Bryan Fagan says:

    Paul, you are amazing. You and I need to collaborate on a story. Fiction or non. Doesn’t matter.

    One more thing: Good for you on the Sushi comment. You gave me a blog idea on my very first experience.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. rebbit7 says:

    Even though I do like burritos, sushi, and hot chocolate, no hard feelings if you don’t like them! When I tell people I don’t like corn/popcorn, they get offended. Food is such a subjective entity that it’s kind of useless to criticize one’s preferences. My memory of meeting my best friend is hazy since we met back in elementary school; it’s incredible you remember yours, even if both of your memories of each other are skewed!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Finally a reasonable person! So true, food is so subjective and we all have unique tastes that have been shaped by what we grew up eating at home, and a bunch of other factors.

      I don’t know if what I described falls at the beginning of our friendship timeline exactly, but I do remember it happening so I went with it lol

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Rea says:

    Me and my really close friends are idiots. One of them has a blog ( One summer, my friends Meg, Amy, and I wrote this really weird story about a mouse and it’s powers over Cheez Whiz. You can find it on Meg’s blog (look for the story of Mark the Mouse and his can of Magical Chez Wiz). It was just really random and occupied time while we were waiting for the next school year to start. The three of us and another friend are starting a blog together where we just post on whatever is relevant to us. Nothing is up yet, but we have stuff in the works! (
    This comment just turned into an advertisement for blogs. Didn’t mean that to happen XD

    Liked by 2 people

  6. lindasschaub says:

    You are only 6′ … well, I like you anyway … you do have an uncanny knack for remembering details … I do too, but can go downstairs for something and forget what it was and I must return upstairs and sit down and then remember. Oh well. Paul – your writing is like a breath of fresh air. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Thank you! And that forgetfulness happens to me as well sometimes – I’ll go to Google with the intention of looking something up, but then I get there and have no clue what it was.

      Liked by 1 person

      • lindasschaub says:

        I’ve done that too Paul, and I’ll get distracted and Google something else … have you ever Googled something really off the wall and thought “surely no one Googled this” only to see someone else was curious about the same thing? That would be a good topic for a post sometime. What did we do before Google?

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Dutch Lion says:

    Aha! I have my answer as to your height. 5’11 3/4″. Is that how you write that? Anyway, let’s go with 6 feet. Good stuff. As you probably remember, I too worked at a summer camp. I also worked with tween boys, probably 10-12 years old. It’s fun but exhausting. The childchewer wrote “Chew on This”….haha. You’re funny dude.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Ely says:

    I kind of feel bad for being a bit of a food bully now,
    Lol! But you it’s never been out of spite, right? I don’t ACTUALLY care that you’ve never had Frosted Flakes, I just always go for the dramatic effect too-
    But I know you totally understand me so we are cool. (We ARE cool right?!) I say do YOU and eat what want, even if that includes children. Just no my children. Or well… hmm. LOL!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      We ARE COOL! Don’t even worry. I never take anything you say as an insult, it’s all for fun. Being a food bully in the comments is better than just saying “Good post!” and moving on lol so, never change. And I promise not to eat your children! LOL there’s something I’ve never said before…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        LMFAO !!!!! Always something new to look forward to! I will forever adore your friend for that guest post. Do this more often! It’s just to fun! And I know that you know that I know that you know that we know that they know
        Ok I’m lost. But I know you know. Lol!!!! We understand each other.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        I’ve already told my friend she needs to guest post again and I think she will! More of my dark secrets will come out…

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        LOL! Insert creepy mysterious background music here _________.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Ely says:

    Typo 1: way what you want**
    Typo 2: Not* my children.

    Liked by 1 person

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