Computer Updates Are Mean

Check…check…check one, two, four. Is this thing on? If you can hear me, clap once. If you can hear me, clap twice. If you can hear me, invite me to your Christmas party so I can taste test your food and compare it to the food at other bloggers’ Christmas parties and write a review about it.

How cool would that last idea be? I would get to awkwardly meet all of you, not talk to the other people at your party, eat the food, and hide in a storage closet until I can leave. It would be a Nightmare on Elm 34th Street.

Anyways, this post isn’t about that.

If you’ve noticed me missing from WordPress for the last few days, there’s been a reason. And if you haven’t noticed my absence, shame on you!

Okay fine, it’s only been about 4-5 days, but in Paul years that’s about 83 years.

I think I might be on the verge of a rant right now, so make sure you’re ready to stop, drop, and roll.

On Saturday – maybe it was Sunday, I’ve lost track of time – I decided to install the latest Safari updates on my computer.

We live in a world of perpetual updates.

“Update this update to update the update you just updated because that update didn’t update properly.”

It’ll never end. Can we not make a perfect product and just let it be? I’m always wary of updates on my laptop or phone because I’m not convinced they’ll make anything better.

People like to say, “If it’s not broken, don’t fix it.”

What we should really say is, “If it’s not broken, don’t break it!”

Anyway, so the updates go through relatively quickly, but it was all a red herring. The internet did not feel like it had been updated. It felt like it had just sat in the waiting room of a pediatrician’s office and watched as sick children with sticky hands roamed around and touched every toy and fish tank in the place, as their parents sat idly by.

That reference was brought to you by my childhood. I was a perfect kid, so I sat still like a normal person, as the chaos around me ensued.

I’ve done computer updates before where it takes a few hours for my computer to adjust to the changes and get back up to speed, so I wasn’t too worried…

…until I tried to access WordPress and was met with a blank screen with a blue bar at the top, and the WP logo in the middle. It was like staring into en empty pizza box. Where did it all go?

I couldn’t access the reader, my stats page, my blog…nothing. All I got was a blank page with the logo.

I’ve seen that page before. It normally means that the page can’t load all the data properly, so it stalls. I imagine it’s like a clogged toilet.

Sunday comes and I’m out to lunch – literally, out to lunch – and don’t get home until later in the day. When I do, my internet is still slow and tracking the score of my fantasy football matchup became a frustrating ordeal.

Fast forward to Monday and I’m about to hit the panic button.

I still can’t get into WordPress! It’s the only website that won’t grant me access.

So I search Google, looking for some solutions. It tells me to delete my browser history and clear the cookies. I’m very good at clearing cookies (omnomnom), so I did just that.

BUT WHAT DID THAT DO?

It signed me out of WordPress.

Okay, fine. It’s not like I could get passed that blank page with the WP logo. Thou shalt not cross! I’ll just sign in again.

I go to the WordPress home page…click Log In…AND THAT STUPID BLANK PAGE SHOWS UP AGAIN.

So I try and outsmart the system. I type into Google, “WordPress Log In”, hoping it will take me directly to the Log In screen.

And it does! Success!

NOPE! In wrestling, this is called the “hope spot”.

The text box where you type your username/email was greyed out. I couldn’t click on it. I couldn’t type in it. I was stone walled. If only I had a chisel…but then I would’ve also needed a hammer, so this point is moot.

I was so frustrated, I could’ve kicked a bag of milk.

The worst case scenarios were going through my mind.

“Oh no, I’m going to have to blog via the app. What a nightmare, though I’ve been meaning to try it just to say I’ve done it once. But still.”

“What if I never get access to my blog ever again? I can’t start a new blog, every button I click just leads me to a dead-end page. My readers are going to think I died. What happens when I do die, 70 years from now? Who will tell them? How will they know?”

It was then I realized just how meaningful everything about this blog is to me. It’s as they say: You don’t know what you got, until an internet update takes it away from you for a few days.

On Monday, I decided to update my operating system to Mojave because when you’ve been burned by one computer update, all future burns are no longer felt. It’s math.

That update took about four hours. Say QUOI?

When the computer says, “About 54 minutes remaining”, what it really means is, “We’re lying to you and hope you take a four-hour nap, so when you wake up, it’s done and you don’t know it took four hours.”

The update finally completes and I should have this brand new computer in front of me. Nope.

It was slower than a mall walker who has given up on Christmas shopping.

I couldn’t do anything, without waiting five minutes for a new page to load. Scrolling through Twitter was impossible. WordPress still wasn’t letting me even see a log in page. It was a disaster.

Tuesday comes and I have had it up to HERE. I’m not normally an angry person. People often tell me they can’t picture me mad. My anger is normally directed internally, or at inanimate objects.

If I get mad at someone, they’re just going to get mad at me, and then nobody wins.

As my laptop was still trudging along slowly, I tried to think of a million ways to rectify the problem.

“What if I blow on the keyboard and dislodge some dust that may be under the keys?”

“Hmm…the back of the screen feels cold, what if I rub my hands on it to warm it up, maybe it’ll operate faster?”

That seemed to work! Before I knew it, I’m applying heat all over my laptop via my hands. Weird? Very. Effective? YOU BET’CHA. I was breaking new ground here.

But that only worked for so long.

“What if I sit to the side of my laptop, rather than directly in front of it?”

Wouldn’t you know it, the web pages started loading. It was as if the monkeys inside my computer were spying on me through the camera and thought, “He’s gone! Let’s move!” Very much like how the toys in Toy Story only move when people aren’t around.

“What if I go to that dreaded blank page with the WP logo and press refresh a million times?”

That didn’t work. I was probably 15 more clicks away from carpal tunnel.

By Tuesday night, I was missing my blog and all the bloggers I interact with on a regular basis.

In a cheesy sort of way, we’re like a family – minus everything a normal family does – and this is our house.

Just let me back in my house! I’ve already planes, trains, and automobile’d my way home. Don’t make me break a window to get in!

I tried to put positive thoughts in my head and told myself this won’t last forever and eventually, some day, I’ll regain access to a log in screen that allows me to type in the text box.

I don’t know if this is weird, but in life, I’m a big believer in the idea that we all have to see/go through/experience something before we can advance on to something else, whatever it may be – big or small. I see it as the universe revealing something to us.

Late last night, I gave up on clicking around the internet after I was finally able to update my fantasy football team. I went over to Netflix and watched Ellen’s new comedy special.

As I was watching it, I realized that she sets up her jokes and tells stories in the same sorta way that I do on this blog. The way she weaved in and out of sentences and threw in callbacks to something she said five minutes prior, all felt very “relatable”, which is probably why her special was called, “Relatable”.

And I thought to myself, watching this is the thing I needed to experience before regaining access to my blog. Is it crazy to think that? Absolutely.

Her comedy special ends and I click away to Twitter, or some other website.

Immediately, I notice my internet is moving at break neck speed. So for the 4508th time in four days, I go over to WordPress and click “Log In”.

AND IT TOOK ME TO A LOG IN SCREEN, WHERE I WAS ABLE TO WRITE IN THE TEXT BOX AND WAS GRANTED ACCESS TO THIS SITE.

It was a (6 days before) Christmas miracle.

As of today (Wednesday) my computer is back up to full speed, as if the updates didn’t turn it into a toddler trying to crawl through caramel.

It’s good to be back. Nay. It’s good to be home.

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About Paul

I think of my blog as an all-you-can-read buffet. There's something for everyone and complimentary mints at the door as you leave.
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35 Responses to Computer Updates Are Mean

  1. Lauren says:

    This made me laugh so hard!!! I avoid updates on literally every electronic device I own, because you are absolutely right about the “time remaining” it’s a total lie!!
    I have to use a Windows laptop for work and it will just shut down and start updating right in the middle of work and every time I freak out, because my Skype will show me as inactive and I fear I will get fired for not working… and it’s like 10% done, 35% done… then sites on 75% done for about an hour or two and I’m just freaking out the whole time. So I feel your pain. Updating is for the birds. The worst part about updating is that practically nothing changes once it’s done.

    Glad you’re back though! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      You’re so right! Practically nothing changes! And what does change is programs/apps/features I don’t even use. What lures me in is when they lump in a security update and I tell myself that that’s probably important. Otherwise, I’d avoid avoid avoid. Glad this made you laugh!

      Like

  2. Am I Thirty? says:

    This is why I never update anything on my phone or computer, EVER. I will click “Remind Me Later” until I die.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Haha I used to be like that. Then I realized some updates were actually necessary and by the time I did them, I had skipped the previous however many versions and the update took even longer download and install.

      Like

  3. micqu says:

    Welcome home, Paul… Now get your ass over to my Christmas party. There are only a handful of people. ‘Last Christmas’ is playing softly, but the food is good. Everyone is humming awkwardly. We need you here Paul. Don’t make me beg!

    Updates are the worst! I upgraded WordPress some time ago and I can use a special domain name (micqu.blog) When I set it up, it wouldn’t allow me to log back in. And Everytime I tried, it counted me as a visitor on the app. So, at one side I was not able to gain access to my blog, on the other, my tries to connect where counted as visits. And as if WordPress was making fun of me, the app sent me a notification that my stats went through the roof that day! Salt in my wound.
    Finally, I found out that everything worked fine with the old domain address and I went back to using that one. (Although, the other seems to work too now)
    These things take time, but I am not patient enough to give it a week to work.

    Glad we are all here again. 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Awkward humming and good food? Sold!

      Oh wow, that must’ve been frustrating. I hate when things are supposed to work, but there’s a minor glitch and it throws the whole thing off. I still don’t know why it was only WordPress – the one site I care about – that was giving me problems. That was funny though that they said your stats were booming haha

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Becky Turner says:

    It’s like you took all of your Twitter messages to me and dumped them in a post. You also left out the part when you messaged me today to let me know you could log in. Because I was sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting for you to be able to log in again, while I had completely full access to everything WordPress.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Wait, you wanted this post to be longer??

      I can’t tell if that last line was sarcasm, so I’m just going to take it as you were legitimately concerned for me and were waiting for the moment in which I was cleared to come back to WordPress lol

      Liked by 1 person

      • Becky Turner says:

        The last line was sarcasm. But I think I’d be as panicky as you if I couldn’t log in here, either. Because I have things to say and the world needs to hear them, whether the world wants to hear them or not.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Authoress51 says:

    I agree with you completely. WordPress is a family, and sometimes closer then my real one. That makes you a brother or cousin so Welcome Home!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh no this sounds horrible!!! I’m so sorry!!

    I had an update horro a few days ago. I had just enough time to finish a show on Netflix before heading to work but my computer froE. No biggie I thought. Just reboot and I’ll still have enough time. Well once I rebooted my computer decided to do its updates and 35 mins later it was finally ready for me to use and I had 10 mins left before work….

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Bryan Fagan says:

    You just described my worse nightmare. I could feel the anxiety growing as I read this. I can relate so much to your feelings of the people you’ve met in your blog. I talk to you and a ton of others every week and it would not be possible had I not created my blog.

    I’m curious why it suddenly worked. Did you reboot and that’s all it took? Something happened and I’m curious what it is.

    Happy to see you back but most of all I’m glad you didn’t kick the bag of milk. Yes, I have zero clue what that means.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      I have no clue why it suddenly worked! One minute, I’m struggling to log in, and then I watch the Ellen special on Netflix for an hour and everything is fine afterwards.

      Haha in Canada, our milk comes in bags and we put the bag in a pitcher, cut a tiny hole in the top corner of it, and pour. We also have cartons, but bagged milk seems to be the way to go over here. Worth checking out on Google.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. randyjw says:

    I’ve been having similar problems for some time, as well. It seems that certain servers no longer quite interact with others. I think Google is trying to shut out other search engines, and so compatibility issues are popping up all over the place. Or, good hackers have gotten in to the systems and are lurking about causing random chaos all over the place. I was just lamenting my WordPress not popping up on this public computer, and counting how many minutes were elapsing (by the seconds, and on my fingers) for searches, and that three seconds elapsed between my typing LETTERS of my site’s name for Google to search. I had to switch to Chrome, and it works fine, now. I also note that some kind of message had popped up previously having to do with encryption between the sites here, to the servers, but don’t know if that has affected these really slooooooow connections. Your switching, perhaps, to Mojave, might have done the trick, since it’s kindof obscure and maybe the big techs aren’t messing with the really little guys, but just annoying the heck out of their bigger rivals, like Microsoft.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      There is definitely something going on behind the scenes with servers or connections, or something I don’t even know exists. Apparently with the new Safari update, it stops supporting Java. So for a while there I was wondering if I couldn’t access WP because I needed Java, and my internet wouldn’t allow it. I really don’t know what caused my internet to work properly again, but I’m glad it’s back. Another day or two and I would’ve downloaded Chrome.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. lindasschaub says:

    You have such a great way of describing an ordinary process that you had me laughing through this whole post. You are lucky you have a Mac because when Microsoft insisted on foisting Windows 10 on us, it was something new every day … you will be scheduled for Windows 10 in _____ hours, and I finally heard of a download to thwart it from infiltrating once the computer was shut off (yes they were doing that – not nice). And you thought the new Gutenberg editor that WordPress keeps warning us is on the way was the only debacle you be dealing with her on WordPress.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Dutch Lion says:

    I’m often an old, frustrated man. The main things that frustrate me in life:
    1. Traffic
    2. Computer outages
    3. TV outages
    4. Phone outages
    5. Internet service outages

    Most of these things are usually working, and thus, I’m swell. When any of the outages occur, I go nuts! I can’t concentrate on anything else other than working to get it fixed. Most of these outages are all related, of course. We have the AT&T U-Verse here in Chicago and we get our cable TV, ISP internet service, and home phone landline all together through one company. If they have a problem, then we have a problem.

    What’s the point? The point is, technology is great, except when it doesn’t work. Then it sucks!

    The traffic could be better if I just moved away from the 3rd biggest city in America. I’m working on that. Someday I shall move. For now, I just have to push through it, maybe with a truck, or a bulldozer perhaps.

    As for you Paul, I’m glad you got back online. We would most definitely miss you if you were gone for long. Way to get back! Welcome back old friend!

    Your pal,
    Reid

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      I completely agree with you. Technology is great, until it stops working. Then we’re so lost because the world is so dependent on it. We’ve been fortunately not to have a power outage that lasts more than 15 minutes in a long time.

      Thanks for the good trade offer by the way. I barely ever make trades but this one seemed fair for both of us, plus I love Tkachuk.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Dutch Lion says:

        The world is way, way too dependent on technology in modern times. If I were a terrorist group, I would just shut down the computer systems or banking systems. Think about it. What would people do without the use of credit cards and ATM’s for even an hour? People would freak out. That’s why I have saved up some cash and spread it around the house just in case. I got the idea from the movie “The Game” years ago. Seen it? Michael Douglas is the star. Haha! I sound like one of those doomsdayers!

        Regarding hockey, I’m up for more trades! I’m glad you love Tkachuk! I am intrigued by this Evander Kane dude. Plus, I’m looking to switch up my chemistry entirely. Propose more deals to me! Thanks!

        Liked by 1 person

  11. HAHA Omg! This reminds me of a joke I heard about computers and their genders! I will attach the link at the bottom.. if you are easily offended, which I do not think you are… It is so funny! I swear Paul I update NOTHING. My Firefox browser is from 2010 and I haven’t touched it! I never update my phone because I am not in the business of buying a new one.
    You know, Library’s still exist 😛 They have functioning computers with decent speed internet 😉 Or an internet cafe. Glad you regained access and are able to post again!

    Link : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFptlmGCOVI

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Hahah that video was great! I envy you – don’t update anything! My parents computer is about 3-4 updates behind and runs sooo smoothly. LOL an internet cafe or a Library to use the internet. Wow, that sentence was right out of 2002. I had forgotten those were options!

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Shelley says:

    LOL – the same thing happened to me and I thought it was the Cookie Monster (aka Jetpack) update. It was and I went so far as to let the Grinch mode take over my normally nice demeanor for a full day. Glad it didn’t take 6 days like your situation, I don’t know who I would’ve turned into at that point! Anyhow, I was referred here to see your demise by Lindaaschaub. I’m delighted to find your blog and glad for you that you’re back up and running with all systems go!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Hi Shelley! Welcome aboard!

      Not being able to access WordPress definitely affected my mood in the real world, as weird as that sounds. It felt like I had lost a part of myself. I’m glad your situation was solved quickly! Thank you for sharing!

      Like

  13. Laura says:

    I did miss you and am glad your computer straightened up. WordPress hijacked my account — half the time I like somebody’s post and it doesn’t register, half the time I go to comment and I’m not logged in. The worst is when I try to comment but just end up with that spinny circle when I click the WP logo to log in as a commenter. Aaarrrggghh!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      I just had this happen to me today! I went to follow someone’s blog, but it told me to log in even though I already was. So I log in again and it still wouldn’t work. Aaaarrrgggghhh indeed.

      Like

  14. Pingback: “It was a (6 days before) Christmas miracle.” – Riddle from the Middle

  15. Ely says:

    Lol!!! Oh Paul. I’ve been gone a few more days than you were but that was as always a refreshing read lol!! I almost died in the part about the monkeys in the computer watching you OK LET’s MOVE LMAOOOOO!!! I don’t update ANYTHING ever I just don’t get along with these machines and I WILL fight them and then I have to stand back and analyze what I’m up against. I’ll never win! People usually wanna grab popcorn when I encounter a jammed printer at work. I’m legit arguing with the thing out loud like that’s normal. Ugh. Anyways I’m glad you got back on!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Hahaha you could probably charge money for front row tickets to Ely vs. Printer. Why am I picture you trying to pull out jammed paper and then hitting the machine when it’s not dislodging? LOL. Yeah stay away from updates, just buy a new computer if it stops working, it’ll save the hassle lol

      Like

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