Survive and Advance

Let’s go back to this past Sunday. I rolled into the kitchen sometime around noon and made myself a corned beef sandwich on flaxseed bread for the fourth time in seven days. Actually, it could’ve been the fifth time.

I’ll check my stomach stats and get back to you.

I was preparing myself for an exhausting afternoon of watching football and freaking out over my fantasy football playoff matchup, which I told you about last week.

There would be pain, there would be suffering, there would be pain and suffering. If you get them together, it’s cheaper. #Discounts

Did that joke land safely, or did the parachute malfunction?

While I was gearing up for an afternoon of yelling things into the void of my brain, my fantasy football opponent, Cass, was doing (insert Cass-like tendencies).

This is the part of the sports documentary where we cut from me getting mustard on my chin, to a shot of Cass preparing for our matchup and talking about what it will take to win, and probably something about the Cowboys which we can cut in post-production.

Yes, this is a sports documentary. Well, not yet. Technically. But it might as well be. Have an imagination. Just go with it.

The 1PM games start and I am hot glue gunned to the couch, watching the Kansas City Chiefs against the Baltimore Edgar Allan Poe’s. That’s a thing, look it up.

The scoring in our fantasy matchup started slowly, as we both only had a few players playing. The rest were cheering them on from our virtual sidelines, holding up signs like, “You can do it!” and “The guy behind me can’t see”.

And then Saquon Barkley throws the first punch, on Cass’ behalf. It was only the second quarter of his game and he had 16 fantasy points, while my entire team only had 8.

Cut to a shot of me yelling “Nevermore!” as a rallying cry for the defences facing Cass’ players.

Again, that joke was hit or miss. 

As I’m messaging Cass my displeasure about Saquon, Rob Gronkowski decides to get off the party boat he’s been living on all season and scores a touchdown!

Gronk is not on my team! He had the best game of his season on Sunday. Of all weeks!

NEVERMORE!!

It’s 2:30PM and I need an oxygen tank, but instead, I find a bag of popcorn in my hands. How did it get there? I don’t know. Did I pull a Polkaroo and pull it out of thin air? Sure. Let’s go with that for the sake of the unmade documentary.

If you don’t know who Polkaroo is, feel free to Google it, though the results may scare you half to death. 

It was a bag of popcorn from Kernels.

Kernels – We make your mouth POP!

That’s definitely not their slogan, but it should be.

I ate half a bag. Salt and butter is very comforting. Babies get pacifiers, adults get popcorn. It’s science.

So I’m watching the Chiefs game closely because 1) they’re my new favourite team, and 2) I have three fantasy players on their team: Patrick Mahomes, Tyreek Hill, and Harrison Butker, the kicker.

I also have Spencer Ware, but he was on my bench.

What happens in the first half of the game? Ware and Hill get hurt. Ware is down on the sidelines, holding on to his shoulder. Meanwhile, Hill can’t put weight on one foot and is hobbling around.

I texted a friend, “This is the hill I die on.” Even in times of agony, I will find a way to make a joke.

Fortunately, they both returned in the second half, but for a while there this felt like the scene in Space Jam where 80% of the Looney Tunes roster is on the bench in agony and unable to compete.

And then there’s Harrison Butker. It’s Week 14. He’s missed one field goal all season. Well, how many field goals did he miss on Sunday?

TWO. TWO FIELD GOALS.

In the final cut of this documentary, we’ll say he missed three field goals and say, “Good things come in threes” but it’ll be ironic because it won’t be “good” at all. 

The second field goal he missed would’ve won the Chiefs the game. Instead, it went to overtime, which was a blessing in disguise because Mahomes threw the ball to Hill at least three times and padded my fantasy stats.

The 1PM games were over and I was a nervous wreck, even though I was winning by a few points.

The “Thanks But No Thanks” award goes out to Chris Godwin, who was targeted about eleventy hundred times in his game against New Orleans, but ended with only one catch for 13 yards.

I TRUSTED YOU.

(Insert shot of me yelling at the clouds)

Throughout the day, Cass and I messaged each other about how we were both losing our minds. There were 30 hours left until the end of our matchup and neither of us thought we were going to make it.

Fantasy football is not fun. It’s a juice spill that we walk through every week, which some of us slip in, while the rest walk away with sticky shoes.

Win or lose, no one gets of out fantasy football unscathed.

Is this too dramatic? Don’t care. All I ask for is a little support as I try and turn this into a sports documentary, okay?

Fast forward to Monday Night Football – Minnesota Vikings vs. Seattle Seahawks.

Cass had four players left to play, while I had two. I also had about a 35-point lead, which I didn’t feel safe with at all.

No lead is safe!

Anything can happen; anyone can win. Pro-Line.

That was actually their slogan. It’s a good slogan.

The football game started and I immediately conked out like a new born baby on a car-ride around the neighbourhood.

Good night, nurse.

I woke up just before halftime and the score was 3-0, Seattle. That’s it? Our fantasy scores had barely been affected.

Normally, games put people to sleep. Not this time. I put the game to sleep.

The second half didn’t do much to close the margin in our matchup. It was a very anti-climactic end to a tumultuous roller coaster ride. A part of me felt bad. I was hoping for a closer score – one that would be decided on the last play of the game, or something.

But maybe that’s the wannabe sports documentary director in me wanting a dramatic end.

The Battle of Bachelor Buddies (working title) came to an end with my team coming out on top. My reward is I get to do this all over again next Sunday against the first place team.

God help me.

Is it silly to get all worked up over fantasy sports? 100% yes. But competitive people can’t just turn that switch off and not care.

There is fun in the madness, you just have to look for it really, really, hard.

Anyway, when they make the documentary for this first round fantasy football matchup, be sure to watch it on TV and then buy the DVD, so we can make more money off it. I promise there will be extended features on the DVD, so if that’s not tempting, I don’t know what is.

I’ve gone on long enough.

Thank you all for going along with this.