Under Where?

Listen, whenever someone starts a sentence with the word “listen”, that should set off alarm bells in your head that what is to follow will be something you don’t really care to listen to.

So if you haven’t turned back now, you either trust me, or are curious to see which rabbit hole I’m going to run down this time.

You’ve been warned.

Here in Canada, it gets cold at the drop of a hat. Literally, you take your hat off and you’re toast. If you live in Quebec, you’re french toast.

Should’ve turned back when you had the chance.

As fall slips into winter, my bedroom gets really cold at night. The furnace does nothing in my room. It’s like the Little Engine That Could’s alter ego – the Little Engine That Couldn’t Be Bothered.

So I’m forced to sleep under three blankets and hire an elf, who will pour hot water on my face every half hour throughout the night. Half that sentence is true. You decide which part.

Meanwhile, during the summer, my bedroom is an oven at night. There is no happy medium, and if there is, it lasts for about a week in September.

There were times this summer where I woke up in the middle of the night and thought I was in a microwave. I had to get up and fan cool air into my room with the door. Elfs don’t work summers, sadly.

I think I’d rather be cold and have to put on layers, than be warm and have no more layers to remove. That sentence was not meant to sound weird, but I think you get what I’m saying.

About a month ago, the three blankets weren’t doing anything and I was freezing. Not sure how it came to me, but I decided I needed to invest in undershirts because they would solve my problem, surely.

I’ve never worn undershirts – the tank top kind, at least. I’m a naturally warm person to begin with.

At school I’d wear an “undershirt” during presentations, which was a tight-fitting t-shirt, so sweat stains wouldn’t appear on my dress shirt as I stood in front of a lecture hall of 80 people. Everyone in the class employed that strategy. I guess we all had the same fear.

So a few weeks ago I bought some tank top style undershirts. At the “professional” opinion of my dad, I got size medium.

I put that thing on and felt like I was trying to squeeze my body through a straw. It was so tight, I was about four seconds away from a panic attack. Then I had to get it off, which was a Top 10 struggle of my life.

If scissors were near by, I would’ve cut myself out of it.

After switching over to a size large, I felt so much better. It was still a tight fit, but not the “Squeeze the blood out of my body” tight. A more natural form of tight.

I thought, “Undershirts are basically Spanx for men and they just haven’t told us yet.”

I haven’t gone a day without an undershirt in the last month. They are glorious.

Shoutout to Stanfield’s for making a great product.

I had to mention them in here, just in case they want to pay me thousands of dollars to be a spokesperson. I’m not angling for a modelling deal, I like pizza too much.

Plus there’s something about having my body on the packaging of under garments that weirds me out.

Posting photos on Instagram is enough judgement for me, I don’t need to be hanging in stores, or be the first thing people see when they open a delivery box.

This may be the weirdest post I’ve ever written. Let’s continue!

The undershirts solved my problems, until it got colder outside.

And then it hit me – I need long underwear. You can call them Long John’s, but I don’t know who John is. On Twitter the other day I called them thermal underwear, but I’ve since realized they’re not exactly that.

“I’m wearing my thermies!”

“They’re not thermal. They’re cotton.”

“Oh.”

This is way too much information.

I blame my grandfather for this idea of long underwear being in my head. Growing up, he’d always mention them and how warm he was. I’d always scoff at it and think they were something old people wore.

Well call me a senior citizen and prepare my 4PM dinner because I’m rocking the long underwear, courtesy of Stanfield’s. Forever angling for that elusive endorsement deal…

Note: I also blame him for getting me interested in wrestling. He’d always come over and explain everything that was happening, while I just stood there and nodded, having no real idea what he was talking about. I was still single digits in age.

At this rate, I’m going to be raving about pears in ten years. 

Back to the long underwear, though.

I swear, I feel like a new person. I’m not sure how I lasted this long without them.

My initial reaction was: these are leggings for men except it’s not appropriate for me to wear them outside without pants. Now I understand why girls always talk about how comfortable leggings are.

They are a total game changer. I’ve never been warmer, or more comfortable in my life. These last few nights have been some of the warmest in recorded history – for me, at least.

They are underwear, but with the comfort of pyjamas. And they say sliced bread was a brilliant invention. Ha!

If I’m honest, and oversharing, this undershirt and long underwear combination will come in handy in March and April when it’s not that cold and not that hot. Those sleeps are going to be glorious.

At this point, I’m afraid I’ve said way too much and delved into things you don’t really need to know about, but who cares?

I highly recommend long underwear for the cold legs in your life. You can thank me later.

Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to post this and go sit in a corner and try to forget what I’ve just shared with all of you.

Stay warm, kids.

Thanks for reading enduring.

How do you stay warm in the winter? 

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About Paul

I think of my blog as an all-you-can-read buffet. There's something for everyone and complimentary mints at the door as you leave.
This entry was posted in Humour and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

31 Responses to Under Where?

  1. peckapalooza says:

    I’m with you on the whole hot/cold thing. If you’re cold, you can always throw on more layers or blankets. But if you’re hot, there’s only so much you can take off and still wind up feeling miserable.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lol omg, Paul! Are you going to have to fire your elf now in the winter? And what agency are you getting your elves from that they don’t work in the summer? Dude you’re getting taken for the run-around!

    Slippers and sweaters and blankets are my tricks for staying warm in the winter. And hot drinks lol

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Tony Burgess says:

    Dress in layers but think about where you will spend most of your day and keep that in mind too.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Becky Turner says:

    For some reason, my room is always cold in the winter time. It’s been an issue for the last few years, and for some reason, we can’t figure out why. Maybe because it’s in the back of the house and doesn’t get any sun? Regardless, sometimes I have to bring up the little space heater from our basement and use it while I’m in my room. Or I put on a sweatshirt and use a blanket when I’m watching Netflix. The only thing I like about my room being a little bit colder is when I sleep at night.

    I’m glad you’ve come around to understanding why girls like leggings so much. I mostly wear sweatpants around the house, and I will never leave the house in them. Like I never even wore sweatpants to class in college. But my legging game was strong then. I still have a bunch and wear them out with a sweatshirt and boots if I don’t feel like wearing actual clothes.

    Also is “pyjamas” a Canadian thing? It makes me feel uncomfortable.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      My room is at the front of the house and gets the sun during the day and still doesn’t make much difference. We think it’s the windows losing their strength or something.

      You never wore sweatpants to class?? I wore sweats about 80% of the time, but then again so did most kids at my school which was nice. I also don’t like jeans and will opt for alternative types of pants.

      Like the spelling of “pyjamas”? I guess it is a Canadian thing. I’ve never been sure how to spell it, but spellcheck autocorrected when I wrote “Pajamas”. Just Googled it….there’s an article called “Why don’t Americans spell “Pyjamas” like the rest of the english-speaking world”? So maybe it’s just America being weird.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Becky Turner says:

        I never wore sweatpants out of the apartment. Ever. Only to the gym in the winter time with my short underneath. I either wore leggings or jeans, which seemed very rare.

        Are we surprised at all that America like to change things and be weird? I’m not. I just wanted to point out that we spell it differently. And correctly, I think.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        It’s funny how your country is the one changing things, while also being scared of others who are different than them.

        Like

  5. Dutch Lion says:

    Space heaters are important. But let’s get to the root of the problem…..your core temp. Your skin isn’t doing the job. Nor are your elves. You need long underwear! I LOVE long underwear. As I got older, I had the same experience. A few years ago I started wearing some on these frigid winter days in the Midwest. They are wonderful! You’re up in Canada and haven’t worn these yet? Dude…..get with the long underwear program. Haha

    PS I was so wor”reid” about sweat years ago that I would wear white undershirts underneath regular t-shirts. What was I thinking? I’m so dumb.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      As a kid I could get by with wearing a pair of pants and snow pants. And then in high school there’s no recess so I’m inside all day. At university, every building at my school was connected haha so I barely had to be outside. I guess that’s how I got around needing them for so long!

      Haha an undershirt under a t-shirt, I’d be cooking up a heatwave.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Ely says:

    This is awesome lol. Enjoy your Menggings Paul!!! Glad to hear you’re warmer now! Is a furnace like a heater? Do you have a heater? Or is that like a chimney?
    Also? We keep warm in Florida all the time LOL it never really gets colder than 51 celcius on a “cold day” and only first thing in the morning. Once the sun comes out it’s all good again. Still, winters are nice here. Because there really is no winter. Lol

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Ely says:

    Also? This elf… does he bake? I can use an assistant! Lol

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Listen, Paul (yes I’m talking to you my Canadian twin-brother, except for the red nose), psst, what I am about to tell you is TOP SECRET, so please keep this under your (ice-cycle) topped hat. Seeing again as you have ignored, as usual, all my (ill-advised and not well-researched, but well-intentioned) excellent advice—like remember last year when I advised you to put all your money into Toys “R” Us, because I was so sure they were going to stop making toys (instead of not making money) as I had heard that they were going to start manufacturing thicker warmer blankets for Canadians living in or around Toronto, and you ignored me and remained solvent, while I now have a nice spot all to myself under the 3rd Street overpass—well I just wanted to concede that you’re deciding to invest in one of Santa’s helpers and three blankets, instead of investing in apparently bogus Toys “R” Us get rich scheme was probably (in hindsight) a much better investment than mine. Although, I would like to correct you in regards as to the name of the agency you went with. It’s “The Do It Your S. Elf” agency (the S stands for Santa) not “The Do It Your Elf” agency. But, why should we quibble over a silent S when you at least have an elf and three blankets to keep you warm, and all I have is a soggy piece of cardboard with no fire—but that’s only because I never went on Survivor to learn how to make one! Anyway, I just thought you should know, you were right and I was wrong. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Truly brilliant, as always. I’d expect nothing less from my American twin brother. To be honest, I did send some money to Toys “R” Us which is probably the only explanation as to why they still exist here in Canada! It was your advice, and my money that saved the Canadian toy industry. We’ll get credit for it someday. Ah yes, thank you for correcting my error. “The Do It Your S. Elf” agency is the one I’m associated with. Very selfless people, those elves. So glad we cleared all this up, fellow Paul.

      Like

      • So Toys “R” Us is still alive and well up in the frozen tundra of Canada? Thank god! For months now, rumors have been circulating down here that Geoffrey the Giraffe (beloved mascot of the company) had gone into hiding up in Nova Scotia (the well acknowledged toy store jungle of Canada), but under an assumed name and without a scarf to keep him warm. You can imagine the fear we all had. Paul, I’m so pleased that the spare change from your Moose Bank actually saved the company—what with piggy banks being under prohibition up there in Canada due to the great Canadian Swine Flu outbreak of ’08, when there was that huge proliferation of piggy banks there. I’m still surprised no one ever heard about that one? Nevertheless, its nice to know that my advice (flawed as it is) can still cause you to part with your money when cartoon giraffe’s of some note are in need. After all, this is the season of giving. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Pingback: The Christmas Tag – Strikeouts + Sprinkles

  10. Little Rants says:

    It always gets cold here in November. And this year it’s not even nippy! It’s like winter doesn’t like me anymore. I want to wear my green coat that I bought because Blair Waldorf from Gossip Girls had a pretty green coat. Bummer.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Breakthrough Veil says:

    Undershirts are spanks for men…I feel like that needs to be embroidered on a pillow!

    Liked by 1 person

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