Previously on, “Paul blogs about Gilmore Girls“…
“Rory Gilmore is ridiculous.”
“I say Har, you say Vard.”
“They had more food than when I ordered 18 pizzas for a Super Bowl party in 2011.”
“Rory finds a nice big tree to sit under. She looks content.”
“YOU ARE RECKLESS WITH MONEY AND GIVE IT TO PEOPLE WHO ARE SITTING UNDER “YOUR” TREE.”
“Dean can’t un-cheat on his wife. Rory is ‘the other woman’.”
If that recap wasn’t enough insight for you – I tried to pull out the most important points – then you may read the rest of my thoughts here: Season 4 of Gilmore Girls.
Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, animals of all breeds, it is time to discuss Gilmore Girls, in its entirety. What a challenge this is going to be.
Let me warn you, this is going to be a very Paul-esque discussion. I hope you didn’t expect anything less.
When you don’t know where to start, you start at the beginning, so let’s go there.
Season 1 was so innocent. It was a nice, homey show, you could wrap your hands around, like a giant beach ball.
Lorelai Gilmore and her daughter, Rory, live alone in a small town called, Stars Hollow, where everyone knows each other.
Lorelai got pregnant when she was 16; Rory’s father is Christopher and he is not really in their lives that much, but since this is a TV show, he will be as of now.
Rory is a good student, who is a bit too naive and innocent, but that all gets stripped away in the Season 4 finale. In Season 1, she has a crush on a boy named Dean, who bags groceries in a small store that probably doesn’t need, nor can afford, a person with that position.
But there he is. That’s Dean. Always there when you don’t need him.
The word “coffee” is uttered about 17 times per episode, as a result of one of the main settings being Luke’s Diner.
Luke is a cantankerous character who doesn’t like cellphones, fun, or town meetings. He wears a backwards baseball cap that Lorelai gifted him because she’s the one person who can make him do things he doesn’t want to do.
I think that’s called blackmail, but in this case we’ll call it love.
The town is full of kooks, lead by the man with 1000 odd jobs, Kirk.
Lorelai works at an inn with a guy named, Michel, who has a really thick French accent, and a general disdain for working with others.
There is also Sookie, the vibrant chef, who later goes on to
play Sean Spicer on Saturday Night Live marry Jackson – the produce supplier, and wearer of hats that don’t cover his ears and make him look like the third member of the Sticky/Wet Bandits in Home Alone.
I warned you. Paul-esque discussion.
Lorelai’s parents are rich and have a new maid every episode because Emily Gilmore has standards and an accent that I thought was British, but it turns out she just talks like a rich person.
Her husband, Richard, has the presence of Hagrid, and wears bowties all day and all night and everything he sees is just blue like him, inside and outside.
I know what you’re thinking. “Did Paul just quote Eiffel 65?”
Yes, but no.
The colour blue is a nod to Richard’s alma mater, Yale. See, everything I write makes sense.
Lorelai doesn’t have a good relationship with her parents, but her and Rory are obligated to attend Friday dinners with them because this show was filmed at a time when you couldn’t just Skip The Dishes.
Listen, these references are going to keep coming at you fast, so let’s look alive out there.
For the first three seasons, all Rory talks about is going to Harvard. It’s her dream school, until it isn’t.
She ends up at Yale and spends her entire freshman year trying to come out of her cage and convince herself that she’s doing just fine. But she’s not doing “just fine”.
There is no bright side.
This brings us to the Season 4 finale where Dean – her now former boyfriend and owner of awful haircuts – is married, but that doesn’t stop him and Rory from doing the damn thing.
Season 5 is filled without breakups because as soon as the goodie two-shoes of the show messes up, it’s open season for the rest of the cast.
Emily and Richard split up, but since they live in a mansion, Richard goes to live in the pool house. A pool house was a necessity for every TV show in the oughts, as seen in The OC and every other show where teenagers needed a place to stay.
If you don’t know what the oughts are, they’re the first decade of every century. Clearly, I’ve upped my vocabulary today. I think it’s because I’m sitting in an upright position and not slouched.
Knowledge travels faster in a straight line – it’s math, or something.
Anyway, Dean and his wife Lindsay also break up, which opens the door (literally) for secret meet-ups with Rory, so they can further disappoint their families.
Oh yes, I forgot to mention that at the end of Season 4, Luke and Lorelai finally got together. It was a long pursuit, like a fly ball to right-centre field at Fenway Park, or Ross and Rachel in Friends.
Just covered my entire demographic with that two-for-one reference.
But like Ross and Rachel, Luke and Lorelai go on a BREAK, when Emily invites Christopher to a wedding and urges him to pursue Lorelai because Emily doesn’t like the smell of Luke’s raggedy hat, or the fact that he has to wipe tables after others finish eating.
At this point, Christopher had already been married to someone else and had another kid. Now, he’s furthering his status as “Most Annoying Character” because he just won’t go away.
People get engaged on The Bachelor in 8 weeks, and yet he’s still pursuing Lorelai after 20 years, thinking he still has a chance.
Emily Gilmore is a meddler – not unlike kids on Scooby Doo – but deep down she just wants a relationship with her daughter – a relationship she lost when Lorelai got pregnant and moved out. She’s too fierce to admit her loneliness.
Lorelai is also lonely, but she’s too jacked up on coffee to let it show. Also, her and Sookie are now owners of their own inn – The Dragonfly Inn – and her “Fake it till you make it” facade owns her disposition for most of the day.
That’s what this show is about, I feel. It’s about people who live in a small town, who are constantly around those who love them, but when they go home at night, something is missing. So they all try and fill that gap in different ways.
I’ve neglected to mention Rory’s best friend, Lane, who has a very strict mother, Mrs. Kim.
I love the Mrs. Kim character, especially in the later seasons when she loosens up her vise-grip on her daughter’s life. Did they ever give us a reason why she did that, or are we just supposed to assume that she wants her daughter to be happy?
Lane is in a band and starts dating fellow band member and designated long blonde hair character, Zach. They end up getting married and Lane has twins. Their relationship always seemed weird to me.
Anyway, by the end of Season 5, Rory has gone full-blown teenage anarchist.
Rory and her new love interest, a rich little snot named, Logan Huntzberger – who just so happened to be on The Tonight Show the other night – steal a yacht because she’s just been told by Logan’s father that she doesn’t have a future as a journalist.
Because when someone tells you your dream is unattainable, you don’t fight for it. Instead, you steal a yacht, end up in jail, and have to call your mother to bail you out.
Basically, Rory turned into the female version of Sid from Toy Story. All she needed was a black shirt with a skull on it, and Jackson’s hat.
The season ends with Lorelai proposing to Luke. Luke accepts, which means we’re finally going to get a nice big wedding where the entire town is invited, and it’ll be a joyous occasion!
So much to look forward to! We can roll the windows down and cruise, right?
Season 6 is a red-herring for the stupidity of Season 7, but how was I to know?
Rory decides she still has further to fall because being locked up in a jail cell isn’t quite far enough. She decides not to go back to Yale, which causes a rift between her and her mom.
The wedding between Luke and Lorelai is put off until Rory and Lorelai reconcile.
Rory moves in with the grandparents, who have long since reconciled their own differences, which was a must because the pool house needed to be free for Rory to stay in.
Emily and Richard try and build Rory back up better, faster, and stronger than before, but instead, she becomes a schmoozer at parties with rich people, where fine wines must be better than fine.
All the while, Rory has to complete 300 hours of community service, picking up garbage on the side of the road.
At one point, she starts a shoving match with another girl and the skirmish has to be broken up. It was the worst fake fight I’ve ever seen.
They each went to the penalty box for five minutes to think about what they did, and spit on the ground.
After five months of stupidity, Rory and her mom reunite and Rory decides to go back to Yale.
Yay! Hooray! Break out Kool & the Gang! It’s time for a celebrat…
Wait, what’s that? That thing coming out of nowhere. It’s…it’s like a human asteroid and it’s about to hit Luke’s Diner!
This is the moment when the rest of the air came out of the show’s balloon.
A 12-year-old girl named, April Nardini, goes up to Luke and asks for one of his hairs so she can do a DNA test to see if he’s her father.
April Nardini? More like April Sardini because this storyline stunk!
On a human level, yes, let the girl find her biological father.
On a storyline level, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
It is confirmed that April is Luke’s daughter and the fans go
Luke and Lorelai are terrible communicators. That’s one of the reasons why it took them what, eight years(?), to get in a relationship in the first place.
But they are so bad at telling each other what they’re thinking. They try so hard not to hurt each other, so they keep secrets, like the visits with Christopher, and the 12-year-old daughter.
They tell each other what they think the other wants to hear, rather than what needs to be said.
April Sardini swam her way into her father’s life, and was a secret for two months before Lorelai found out.
And with the wedding quickly approaching, it all became too much for Luke. I believe it was Lorelai who said they could postpone the wedding again, but that’s not what she wanted. It was one of those tests that men are given and Luke failed.
He said it would be best to postpone the wedding and Lorelai stood there with a fake smile, acting like everything was okay, even though it wasn’t.
Just once, I want television characters to be blunt with each other, especially when they’ve known each other for a decade.
The season ends with Lorelai giving Luke an ultimatum – they elope right away, or they’re over.
Season 7 is a waste of time and makes my blood boil like a fresh pot of tomato sauce at Nonna’s house.
Lorelai goes back to Christopher, they get married in Paris, and then they break up a few months later because Christopher finally realizes that Lorelai wants to be with Luke and always has.
Thanks for coming out, Christopher. Not sure why you couldn’t take a hint for the last 20 years.
Rory graduates and gets a job covering Barack Obama’s election campaign.
Lorelai and Luke reunite with a kiss and the series is over.
But wait, there’s more! God, why does there have to be more? This series was already two seasons too long.
In 2016, nine years after the final episode, the show came back for four, 90-minute episodes on Netflix. I remember people being so excited about it at the time.
“ERMAGERD A GILMUR GURLS REVIVUL YEE HAW, Y’ALL”
Don’t know why I went southern with that, but it’s there now.
It was called, Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life.
First impression: Everyone got really old, but Lorelai looks exactly the same and Emily Gilmore hasn’t aged a bit since the turn of the century.
I’m going to be honest, I thought it was really bad.
Like, dirty socks dunked in a sewage drain and stuffed inside your pillow case, level of bad.
There was 6 hours of content, and yet I walked away from it feeling like nothing happened at all. Where was the plot?
Every scene felt like it was seven minutes too long. I’m not exaggerating.
That stupid Stars Hollow Musical thing was a 12-minute atrocity. I had to skip through the last four minutes of it. Why? Because I plan to live until I’m 100.
It was just so terrible, which pains me to say because I’m sure a lot of people worked really hard to make it the show the fans wanted.
None of the characters have actually moved on and done anything.
Luke and Lorelai still aren’t married, but they are living together. Why aren’t they married by now? It took them 10 years to get together and another 9 years for the cameras to re-enter their life.
Is that it? Do they just want their wedding to be filmed and were waiting on a Netflix crew to roll into Stars Hollow?
Well, great. You got your wish.
As for Rory, she has a boyfriend named Paul!
But the story with Paul is that no one remembers him, not even Rory. How dare she neglect a fellow Paul like that?
Oh, that’s right, it’s because she’s participating in yet another affair! This time with Logan, who is engaged, but that doesn’t seem to matter.
Poor Paul, he’s just a patsy.
What’s worse is Lorelai doesn’t even condemn her for it. She doesn’t yell at her for cheating on her boyfriend with a guy who’s engaged.
Nothing. Just par for the course, as if affairs are alright. Yeah, let’s send that message out into the world.
Rory Gilmore is a terrible character, who does terrible things, but is looked upon as a bright, shining light.
I’m not saying she has to be perfect, but after you go to jail and get involved in two affairs, I think I’m allowed to call you terrible.
The one good thing about this revival was that we’d finally get the wedding scene where Luke and Lorelai are at the altar and the camera pans through the crowd to show all the townspeople crying tears of joy.
And then they drive off into the sunset in Lorelai’s jeep, except not really, because Stars Hollow has about 4 roads so they’d go in a square, but whatever, they could fix it in post-production.
So that’s what we had to look forward to.
Luke and Lorelai decide to sneak out in the middle of the night, grab a few witnesses, and get married without anyone else attending.
Come on! They’ve had that wedding scene in their back pocket for 15 years and never delivered on it. They could’ve created an iconic scene like The Office and be relevant on YouTube forever, but no.
And you can say, “Well that’s the kind of wedding these characters would have – an impulsive wedding.” Sure, but if they were so impulsive, IT WOULDN’T TAKE THEM TWO DECADES TO GET MARRIED.
So then the series ends with Rory telling her mom that she’s pregnant.
That’s it. Fade to black.
You come back after nine years just to end on a cliffhanger?
“Rory needs to go find Maury”, is how this series ended.
I don’t want another revival. I’m done with it. Most viewers probably saw that final scene and freaked out thinking, “Who’s the father?”
Me? I couldn’t care less who the father is. I have no desire to know. I don’t want to see this story continue.
Deep down I hope it’s Paul, just so she’s forced to acknowledge his existence.
Were there any clues throughout the revival at who it could be? I didn’t pick up on any, but then again it was hard to be an attentive viewer while my brain was melting.
On a whole, Gilmore Girls was a good show that is a cornerstone of it’s time.
The first three seasons were great.
The next two seasons were different, but still reasonable.
Season 6 was a precursor to the nonsense in Season 7, where Christopher and April ruined everything that was ever good about this show. Their presence took away from the cohesiveness of the town.
They are not Stars Hollowe’ens.
Two minutes into the pilot episode, the viewer wants Luke and Lorelai to be together. They eventually are, but zero episodes in this series chronicle their life as a married couple.
We never got that. We got a bunch of conflict, poor communication, and a 12-year-old girl with pigtails.
As for the revival, everything felt disjointed. I don’t even know what the main story was.
Despite all that, I’d call Gilmore Girls a good show.
I think I’m done.
If you read all of this, you deserve your own holiday.
Let me know your thoughts below on anything about Gilmore Girls. Do you agree with my assessment? What are your thoughts on Rory? Did you like the revival? What should I watch now?