Eavesdropping: “An Ambidextrous Kicker”

We here at The Captain’s Speech like to be innovative, creative, and all the other words that end in -ive, including digestive.

As such, I’d like to introduce you to a new segment called, Eavesdropping.

Here’s how it works: I have a conversation with someone in a Google Document, and then post it here because who wouldn’t want to read a conversation between two people they’ve never met?

Note: This new segment might be exclusive between myself and my best friend, Chris. That may change some day, but for now, that’s how it’s going to be.

Plus, Chris and I have good conversational synergy, dating back to a one-word story we put together in Grade 6 about constipated cats.

The following conversation took place today. We had to work out the kinks a bit, before transitioning into a fantasy football mock draft.

This is definitely not the most entertaining conversation we’ve ever had, but why set the bar high right away? Aim low, kids. Don’t worry, you’ll get to see the funnier side of our chats eventually unless this post completely bombs, then I’ll quietly sweep it under the rug.


Chris: Hi

C: Where r u

C: Hi

Paul: Yoooo

C: This is different lol

C: No pings

P: This isn’t gonna work lol too hard to differentiate who’s talking

C: It is lol

C: I was blue but now it’s black

P: Lol I know because I changed it to black so I could be blue

C: I like it

C: Should i help and format as we go


P: Yes please

C: Alright lol i black or blue

C: You are pinky/red in mine

P: Am I?

P: I’m black on mine

C: I’m blue on mine

P: Me too

P: This is bananas

P: We’ve gone from MSN, to Facebook, to Oovoo, to Twitter, to Google Docs, never text

C: anything to avoid text lolol

P: Now you’re highlighted in pink lol

P: Wanna do a mock?

C: Mos def

P: I’ll link you on Twitter

C: I’m there

C: hello

C: where are you?

P: I’m here

P: you’re blue again

C: ya:(

P: are you in?

C: im in, are you in?

P: i need to stop capitalizing all my letters

P: draft is starting

C: it would be so awesome if we could type at the same time

C: only downfall

C: but it feels like a conversation kind of

C: hey stop moving my words

P: I know I hate not being able to talk over you

P: what if we hit enter a lot of times and then jump ahead like that

C: ok

P: Yessssssss

C: nice

P: we broke the system

C: this is awesome

C: the draft music scared me

C: i’m taking alvin camera

P: why would you do that, I don’t even think he’s their main RB lol

P: The last mock I was in, everyone autopicked except me. Felt like i was being punk’d

C: Barkley is rookie, so risky but so tempting

P: truth

P: melvin, i like it

C: QB time?

P: do it!

P: im on the clock dammit


C: i love it

C: the mix up lol not the other thing

P: LOL only you’ll know about it

P: i don’t like who’s available at 18

C: we can now get russell wilson who had 350 pts last year or gronk who had 150, easy

P: i took gronk for some reason lol

P: gonna have to institute a team curfew of 8pm so when he breaks it, he’s still in bed my 11:30pm

C: lololol

P: Zach Ertz sounds like a cough mint

C: sounds painful


C: i wish this was my team

C: 35th ranked player, 1.7 pts last year–solid addition to any team

P: Danggg who’s that

C: allen robinson, and he just got picked lolol

P: never heard of him

P: there are so many wide receivers

C: ESPN’s predictions are all way higher

P: ESPN has about 453 people working on fantasy football. Baseball, hockey, and basketball never get this much info

P: And yet I’ve never felt stupider than I do drafting for football lol

C: best kicker had 180 pts and we are picking guys who have less, I don’t get it entirely

P: it’s a doug eat doug world

P: why is everyone loading up on receivers, you can’t play all of them

C: I need some lol, I’ve got 3 RB already

C: kickers are solid too, like how often does a kicker get injured

P: yo send me trades

C: I’m picking a kicker

P: I think kickers are fairly durable unless they stub their toe, then they’re down to 9

C: I read that as knickers for some reason and was confused

C: nine toes is still solid, pinky takes one foot anyway

C: lolol

P: plus they only kick with one foot

P: Imagine an ambidextrous kicker

C: would be so ideal

P: we’ve entered the part of the draft where I don’t know who any of these players are

P: Cooper Kupp is a badass name

C: reminds me of Ewe Krupp

C: TE is the worst position

P: such a tight position

P: I like my team, I just can’t remember half of them

C: same lolol

C: im reaching on qb and kicker, it just makes sense to me


P: Maybe you’re bringing new wisdom to fantasy football

P: Or it’s just blind stupidity lol

C: lolol i’m curious to see which one

P: Fantasy Team Name Idea: Radek Gronk

C: i like it

C: also right now would make sense to take d

C: jags d had 60 more pts then the second highest, but rn a lot of players are the same

P: I took the Jags D

C: smart

P: we’re drafting like it’s a hockey draft

P: find the sleepers after the season starts

P: gotta find the tyler johnson of football

C: last 3 picks are throwaways

C: I’ll google nfl sleepers and take a blind shot

P: what if we just drafted the top 3 defences

C: damnnnnnnnn

P: And our league is 17 rounds, so an extra pick

P: That went by really quick after Round 6

C: did you see the finding murph doc? Looks interesting

C: Joe Murphy was a first overall NHL Draft pick in 1986, a Stanley Cup champion, but is now living on the streets in northern Ontario. How did this happen and what can be done to help? Here’s a preview of our TSN Original – Finding Murph, debuting tonight on SportsCentre.

P: No I did not see the finding murph doc

P: The End

C: The end

Sooo what did you think?

About Paul

I think of my blog as an all-you-can-read buffet. There's something for everyone and complimentary mints at the door as you leave.
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13 Responses to Eavesdropping: “An Ambidextrous Kicker”

  1. So what’s this one-word story about a constipated cat? you can’t just drop that on us and then leave us hanging!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Squid says:

    Lolol Doc conversation struggles are so real! “You’re moving my words!!” Gave me a laugh! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Becky Turner says:

    GUESS WHO’S NOT PREPARED FOR THE DRAFT IN TWO WEEKS is what I learned from this post. But this was actually pretty funny. Would recommend doing again.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ely says:

    I don’t know what just happened but I still laughed for the entire 5 minutes of arguing about what color your words are and typing over each other or not. PRICELESS LOL. As far as the draft that’s like all the half-assed posts sitting my drafts waiting to be picked to come out and okay amiright? JK I’m not THAT airheaded.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Dutch Lion says:

    You Canadians are great. I love it! Some funny lines were: Zach Ertz…..sounds like a cough mint; kickers….I thought you said knickers; Radek Gronk, good team name (I don’t understand that one, maybe b/c I’m American, but I think it’s funny anyway); and Cooper Kupp is a badass name, reminds me of Ewe Krupp! (another Canadian one? hockey player perhaps?)

    Great column idea. I loved it.

    Liked by 1 person

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