One rose. Two bros. One stays. One goes. Will they propose? Who knows? Grab your snack and hold your horses, no wait, that didn’t rhyme. Take two. Grab your tacos and hold your broncos, it’s time to hand out the final rose!
Welcome to Viewing Notes: The Bachelorette Finale.
Before we start, I just want to thank Cass for doing this every week. I know we’ve over-thanked each other – both on here and behind the scenes – but seriously, I really appreciate it! Normally, I hit a wall by Episode 4 and find it hard to power through these notes, but you made it fun.
I think I asked Cass to be a part of this halfway through the first episode, which was a terrible time to ask, but she was great with it and has provided comments this season that would have never crossed my mind.
I think that’s ideal for a recap like this – two perspectives for one show.
Hopefully, all of you enjoyed it. If you didn’t, then you’re lying to yourself.
Now then, for the final time this season, let’s do the damn thing! Sorry.
Cass’ thoughts are in bold.
~ It’s finally the finale!
~ We’re greeted by Chris Harrison, who is with a live studio audience, comprised of 93% women and 7% reluctant men.
~ They’re in the Maldives this week. Did they pack enough clothes for all these trips?
~ Wow, the Maldives are beautiful.
~ Garrett needs some sweat-wicking shirts.
~ My brother just joined me.
~ He hasn’t watched a single episode this season, stay tuned.
~ Becca enters a house and her family magically appears. I smell sorcery, or a big production budget. Can’t tell.
~ “Heeeeeelllllloooooo.” – Becca
~ What was with that hello she just did?
~ I have a friend who would do that, but it would be a high-pitched, “Huuuullllooooo”. Everyone would laugh. Becca got no laughs.
~ Becca tells her family that she’s in love with two guys. Her family was hoping there was a front-runner.
~ Garrett is the first one to run the gauntlet.
~ Yeah, you only have one shot dude.
~ “Hey, my name is Garrett. My mother used to call me Gare Bear when I was a kid.”
~ Uncle Chuck asks Garrett about the time he got married and then got a divorce two months later.
~ Garrett is now talking to Becca’s sister and starts to cry.
~ And here come the waterworks.
~ Becca’s sister approves of Garrett.
~ Her sister is 2/3 in making people cry.
~ The meet and greet is over. The family likes him. Next!
~ Blake is nervous and talking fast to the camera, but at least his pink shorts match the flowers he brought?
~ Wine and flowers, you go Blake.
~ My brother just pointed out that Blake talks like Johnny Manziel, I’m shook, I just can’t.
~ Yes, Brother of Cass (that made him sound too official)! I’ve been saying all season he looks like him, now we have reports that he sounds like him. Must be a cousin.
~ Blake pointing out that him and Becca would operate as a team, is the best.
~ BRB currently Googling the application process.
~ Becca’s sister thinks Garrett would be a wonderful father and she likes his silliness.
~ With Blake, she thinks he will be more of a teammate for Becca.
~ I called them Hair B&B a long time ago. I have no team name for Becca and Garrett, though.
~ No wait, we can call them GaBe. Just took the first two letters from their names.
~ Becca’s mom tells Blake that she doesn’t know what will happen, but assures him that he will be okay.
~ Is this a red flag, or a red herring?
~ Holy, Becca’s family is being tough on Blake.
~ Blake senses that something is off. Well, it is raining. That’s not a good sign, according to Shakespeare.
~ Becca’s sister with the great questions: Will Garrett challenge you? NO HE WON’T.
~ Becca’s family is torn and doesn’t envy her position.
~ “So glad I’m not you.”
~ Back in the studio, Chris H. lets out a big, unnecessary sigh before telling us that Blake is in a tailspin.
~ I thought he was in pink shorts?
~ These finales always slowly set us up for the climax. They did it last season with Becca – building her up, crushing her, and then reviving her to be the next bachelorette.
~ Can’t help but feel like Blake is getting that edit tonight.
~ Both men are gone and Becca’s mom says Blake is more on her level.
~ Uncle Chuck calls Garrett a poet.
~ “Be happy, just be happy.” – Mama Kufrin, the real poet
~ It’s now time for Becca’s final date with Garrett.
~ They’re going on a boat. If I had a dime for every time this show booked a date on the water, I’d have about $7.85.
~ There’s a dolphin! Thank you,
God Poseidon! A distraction from the mundane chit chat!
~ Garrett got super sidetracked by dolphins lol
~ Now they’re swimming in the water, as Garrett narrates everything he likes about Becca.
~ Me and my brother don’t like his wrist tat…how have I never noticed that?
~ It’s time for dinner and Garrett talks about how he can’t wait to change diapers with her.
~ Don’t mention doo-doo at the dinner table!
~ Oh wait, they’re sitting on a couch. This isn’t dinner. I lied. Carry on with the diaper dilemmas.
~ Becca and Garrett are talking like two people who don’t know the cameras are there. I think that’s the ultimate goal for the people on this show.
~ Water works again.
~ It’s gotta be Garrett at this point, right?
~ Someone’s gonna have to check on Cass if/when Becca sends Blake home.
~ I zoned out for most of Garrett’s date TBH.
~ I’ve gotten to the point where I’m fast-forwarding through Christopher’s mini monologues in the studio.
~ Hair B&B are going on a bike ride. Not even a tandem bike. Separate bikes.
~ GaBe didn’t go on separate boats.
~ Awh Blake and Becca are adorable.
~ Oh, somehow they’ve ended up in the water.
~ I’m surprised the production crew has never planted a cheesy message in a bottle for them to “find”.
~ Chris H. has been teasing that whoever gets sent home has a meltdown that this show has never seen before.
~ CH has clearly wiped last season from his memory.
~ SHE SAID SHE KNOWS IT’S RIGHT WITH HIM!
~ Blake is currently walking on water, figuratively.
~ Blake made her a time capsule, which is a wooden box that looks like Splinter Central. Inside the box are photos and words.
~ My brother just said she has to pick Blake, I couldn’t agree more.
~ Basically, Blake went to the local Arts & Crafts store and put this together with a hot glue gun.
~ The humidity has gotten the best of Blake’s hair.
~ Becca thinks he would make a good partner in crime. So really, she just wants an accomplice to commit crimes! Someone alert the police.
~ OMG did she just hint at picking Blake…
~ That letter was what we all needed.
~ They say goodbye for the night and it’s raining again! The pathetic fallacy is strong tonight.
~ It’s the morning of “the big day” and Garrett goes to pick out a ring.
~ “Hi, I’m Neil Lane” – Product Placement in the 21st Century
~ Ugh, shut it Garrett.
~ Garrett clearly can’t pick rings out, that was not the nicest one…
~ Meanwhile, Blake is in the shower. More water.
~ Water = Tears
~ I see you, editing team. Subconsciously putting the viewer’s mind in a certain place.
~ Kinda may have zoned out for Blake’s turn, whoops.
~ Becca is proud of herself for pushing through.
~ I’m just in awe that she got Arie off that couch during their breakup. He was nailed to it.
~ Naturally, the guys are in their suits and getting a boat ride to meet Becca.
~ Finally, a nice dress for Becca.
~ Imagine being the boat drivers right now.
~ Whoever arrives first is the one she doesn’t choose. Chris tells us to prepare ourselves.
~ Thanks for the heads up, Chris.
~ Chris, we are more prepared than a kid on their first day of kindergarten. We even have an extra pairs of clothes, just in case.
~ Let’s freaking go” – my brother, losing his mind
~ The moment we have all been waiting for…
~ Blake is arriving first. Someone check on Cass!!!
~ Shit, Blake made it to land first…
~ Just no.
The grim reaper Chris greets him and tells him Becca is on the beach. Blake begins his long jaunt.
~ “You know how much I’d be sweating on this walk, might need to stop for a couple beers on the way.” – My brother
~ Blake is going into his speech to Becca, as she stares at him with, “It’s not you, but you don’t know it yet” eyes.
~ Blake is sweating.
~ He’s sweating so much. Why isn’t Chris holding an umbrella over him?
~ Water has been a theme this entire episode with Blake. Now we get water in the form of sweat. The signs were all there from the start.
~ AND GARRETT HAD THE BOAT DATE WHERE HE FLOATED OVER THE WATER.
~ Sign, sign, everywhere a sign.
~ Hand the man a towel.
~ That was the cutest choice of words, Blake.
~ Oh no, now it’s time for Becca to return serve.
~ She tells him they could be good partners, but thinks there is a better fit for them.
~ Is Blake crying or sweating?
~ It’s like there’s a rain cloud above him everywhere he goes. He’s dripping. Been there.
~ She’s walking him out. He doesn’t understand.
~ I didn’t expect this either, Blake.
~ Sweat Update: He’s wiping it with the inside of his jacket.
~ “I love you. Bye.” – Blake
~ “I’m sorry.” – Becca
~ No hug.
~ No one else will have picked up on it, but they pretty much just re-enacted the end of the Ric Flair vs. Shawn Michaels match at WrestleMania 24.
~ If Flair lost, he would have to retire. The ending saw Michaels line him up for a super kick to the face, but before he delivered it, he said, “I’m sorry, I love you”, then ended Flair’s career.
~ And away into the forest Blake goes. He’s walking by a bike. If that’s the same bike they used for their date…
~ They finally gave him a towel.
~ He’s now crying into a facecloth.
~ Cass Update:
~ My heart is broken.
~ What is love?
~ Honestly, what is love?
~ “This is horse shit.” – My brother (sorry for the language)
~ Blake is still crying and talking about how he has to do this alone.
~ Now we go back to the studio and there is Blake! How did he get back from the Maldives so fast?
~ Chris is wearing a black suit and grey tie, while Blake is in a grey suit and black tie. They coordinated this, right?
~ Is Chris Harrison telling us that he’s #TeamBlake?
~ Blake is answering Chris’ questions well. I think we can put him in the, “Too good for this show” category.
~ Blake is handling this like a true champ.
~ “Screw this, screw Garrett, his mom doesn’t love him” – My brother, as he stormed out of the room (excessive, I know).
~ There’s still an hour left. Pretty clever of them to splice the proposal with the after show.
~ Becca is now out on stage to talk to Blake.
~ This is honestly so painful to watch…can we just fast forward past Garrett proposing, to the announcing of the next Bachelor, please.
~ Becca says there was no “moment” that triggered her decision. Well that clears it up.
~ Her reasoning makes no sense.
~ Legit so disappointed with this season.
~ This probably just comes down to the saying, “When you know, you know.” Someone should feed Becca that line.
~ Chris Harrison hasn’t aged since the year 2000. TV makeup does wonders.
~ Blake and Becca even tilt their heads at the same angle when they look over at Chris.
~ BUT HE’S NOT THE ONE? OKAY, BECCA. OKAY.
~ Sorry, don’t know where that came from.
~ Back to the Maldives for Garrett’s proposal.
~ Becca tells him that she loves him, which is his cue that he’s won.
~ Garrett puts the offense in victory formation and calls for the QB Kneel. He’s proposing.
~ My Mom came in after the show ended and said this: “I was surprised that she picked him, but that’s fine.”
~ Did she even give him the final rose? Did I miss it? Did the rose have heat stroke?
~ Soo Becca and Garrett are engaged, we get it.
~ Time to think of the cheesy, cringeworthy hashtag for their wedding!
~ It’s wordy, but it works! There are no other options. None! Don’t question it.
~ Back in the studio, Becca and Garrett walk out to triumphant music. A real hero’s welcome.
~ Jeeze, her spray tan is really not the best tonight.
~ Chris and Garrett are not colour coordinated.
~ I still don’t like that ring.
~ Team Blake forever.
~ Becca says she realized it was Garrett when she found herself crying into a quesadilla.
~ We’re now seeing footage from their secret rendezvous-vous since the show ended.
~ I’m sure they’re only showing this to make Becca’s “journey” come full circle since it all came crashing down during one of her secret meet-ups with Arie.
~ Man, it’s like I’m a fly on the wall in the production meeting.
~ Becca says Garrett’s one downfall is that he snores. Garrett calls it a purr. Oh.
~ Why does Becca keep doing that creepy laugh…
~ They’re now talking about Garrett’s social media controversy.
~ In other news, I’m all of a sudden craving a cheeseburger. I can smell it.
~ I can’t lie, they are kinda cute together.
~ They are moving in together, splitting time between their two hometowns. Then they’re moving to California for a few years.
~ “A few years”. Until their fame runs out? Sorry, I’m contractually obligated to say it.
~ They have no wedding plans yet.
~ Hmm how long do we think this will last?
~ At least we don’t have to hear, “Let’s do the damn thing” anymore.
~ Only 15 more minutes…thank goodness.
~ Becca wants four dogs. Chris tells Garrett to run.
~ The show is sending them back to Thailand as an engagement gift.
~ And now Chris is leading them to another gift outside.
~ IT’S A BRAND NEW MINIVAN.
~ By “Brand New”, I mean it’s from 1994.
~ That’ll look great in California.
~ Oh God, a retro van.
~ They plug a promo for Bachelor in Paradise.
~ Can’t wait for Bachelor in Paradise tomorrow.
~ C’est tout. It’s over.
~ That’s a wrap friends. Thanks again, Paul, for letting me be a part of this every week. I have had a blast!
Thank you to everyone who’s joined us this season, whether you’re a fan of the show or just a fan of these recaps. Personally, I take more pride in knowing that people watch the show via our words, than the television.
There won’t be Viewing Notes for Bachelor in Paradise.
Bachelor Viewing Notes will return in January!
Until then, go on a reality show and get married, or something.