We are gathered here today to join Becca and three guys in Holy Mattress-mony. If there is anyone who thinks Becca should not go through with these fantasy suite dates, tweet now, or forever hold your phone in your hand.
And guess who’s back, back again, Cass is back, tell a friend!
Her thoughts will be in bold.
~ Hello Thailand!
~ They are in Chiang Mai, Thailand. I’m hoping this turns into an episode of The Amazing Race and they all get lost.
~ Then “Lost in Love” by Air Supply will play in the background. By the end of these notes, that reference will come to fruition.
~ I have my popcorn ready for this Monday.
~ Is it just me, or has Becca’s season been more budget friendly than other seasons?
~ They go to these fancy places but always go for the “broke college student” options.
~ Ouu she just said she loves Garrett.
~ Not in love with Jason yet, hmm I don’t see that happening.
~ She sees a future with Blake.
~ And that’s number two, she’s also in love with Blake.
~ Blake is getting the first date. He is wearing red shoes – a nod to Red Shoes in NJPW, surely.
~ They are on sacred grounds and aren’t allowed to touch each other.
~ Five minutes ago, Becca said this was one of the most romantic places she’s ever been. Now she’s complaining they can’t touch.
~ They crossed the threshold, holding hands…
~ They are now being blessed by a Buddhist monk.
~ They’re at dinner now and we learn they haven’t seen each other in two weeks.
~ WHY THE HECK DID YOU JUST BRING UP ARIE, UGHHHHH
~ Now I’m stress eating my popcorn like crazy.
~ This episode is already dragging. 100 minutes left. Lord give me wit.
~ AHHH, Blake is a serious dream.
~ “I look for a reason to stay.”
~ She’s pulled out the fantasy suite card, written out by Chris Harrison, or some intern who has legible handwriting.
~ This whole thing makes Chris H. look like the Accommodations Officer. Chris did none of this. He just shows up.
~ First fantasy suite of the night!
~ Blake and Becca head to their room.
~After Episode 1, Cass sent me her notes and said I could cut out anything she wrote. I said I’d leave everything in. Fast forward to Episode 9….
~ Blake is probably a good cuddler…
~ Sorry Paul.
~ And that right there is why this is the best Bachelorette recap on the internet.
~ Bachelor Monday has become Cuddler Monday. So pull up a person, or a pillow/bag of chips/your own arms, I guess.
~ Blake is scared this is the last time he’ll wake up next to Becca.
~ “I don’t want this to be the last night waking up next to you.” Damn Blake, you’re killing me, dude.
~ We instantly transition into Jason’s date.
~ They are headed to the Sunday market to explore and take photos for Instagram so they can tag it with #wanderlust.
~ Jason thinks he has found his best friend. Oh good!
~ All of a sudden, Becca realizes she can’t see a future with Jason. Oh no…
~ Oh shoot, this date just got awkward.
~ Nevertheless, they’re still going to go for dinner and she’s not going to tell him. He thinks their relationship has reached the next level.
~ Jason is just emptying his heart out to her and she’s going to let it drain before telling him he’s not the one.
~ She has now excused herself from dinner because she’s in love with two other guys and doesn’t want to tell him.
~ I don’t think there’s any food on their table. Hark!
~ Waiter! Can we get some more rolls and butter?
~ “I just don’t think we can get there at the end.” – Becca
~ She’s used that line at least three times this season. It’s trademarked.
~ In the span of about 20 minutes, Jason found out that Becca wasn’t feeling it anymore and is sending him home. Before that, he was walking on sunshine.
~ Man, 100 to 0 real quick. Did I say it right? I tried to be more current with my song references.
~ Honestly not sure how Jason made it this far to be honest.
~ It’s the next morning and we’re supposed to believe that Becca is sleeping in an uncomfortable position on the couch, as the cameraman lurks around her.
~ Oh, she’s awake! And goes straight to the window!
~ This is fake. No one opens their eyes first thing in the morning, rushes to stare out the window, and doesn’t even squint!
~ Garrett and Becca are going on a bamboo raft.
~ It is a Thai national holiday, so everyone and their elephant are rafting today.
~ Seriously, there was an elephant.
~ They’re sitting off to the side playing footsies. Garrett has a tattoo on his left foot.
~ Becca keeps bringing up Arie this season. Almost as if they filmed this while her breakup was still fresh.
~ Garrett tells her he’s never been this happy in his entire life.
~ They’re off to the fantasy suite, which is a tent that is accessible by a spiral staircase.
~ Clearly they brought back the tent fantasy suite this season because Becca was the one who got it last season with Arie.
~ This is probably foreshadowing.
~ It’s the next morning and the fruit tray gets ignored for the second time this episode.
~ I may or may not have zoned out for her date with Garrett.
~ Becca is back at her hotel, staring out her window again.
~ If she likes it so much why doesn’t she marry it?
~ Oh look, Jason is back. Does he think Becca is a grocery store? There are no returns! This analogy made more sense in my head.
~ Becca is in suite 1106. Jason, somehow, knew this.
~ “Welcome to my room. Check out this window!”
~ Jason says there was no justification for where this came from or how quickly it came.
~ Have you watched the show? There’s a format.
~ I’m skipping through this chat. I’ve seen it every season.
~ They’ll both compliment each other, Jason will ask if her mind is made up, she’ll say it is, then she’ll walk him to the door, and he’ll walk away slowly.
~ I missed the part where he gives her a scrapbook, which he somehow got materials for while being under Bachelorette house arrest for two months.
~ He’s being set up to be the next Bachelor, isn’t he?
~ It’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Chris welcomes Blake.
~ Now Chris welcomes Garrett. He gives them access through a gate.
~ Who does he think he is, God?
~ So we’re having a Rose Ceremony with only two guys?
~ I may have zoned out for a while.
~ Becca pulls up in her boat.
~ “Ahoy, soul-matey!” – The guys missed their opportunity to say this. Can I be a script writer for this show?
~ And then Chris Harrison would come over and say, “I ship it”, to keep with the boat theme. Ugh.
~ They’re too busy wondering what happened to Jason. IT’S OBVIOUS.
~ Jason got caught up playing The Amazing Race in Thailand and now he’s lost in love because he didn’t know much, was thinking aloud and fell out of touch, but a few months from now he’ll be back on his feet, eager to be what a room of 25 women wanted.
~ Yes, those were song lyrics that I customized to fit the narrative. I warned you that would happen.
~ Becca is seriously torn here, you can tell.
~ Who does she think she is, Natalie Imbruglia?
~ I’m sorry, I can’t help myself.
~ “Hey guys. I sent Jason home…well, he’s actually in his hotel room ordering room service and staring out a window that isn’t as nice as mine.”
~ Garrett gets the first rose.
~ Blake gets the second rose.
~ Wait, was that the last rose? Chris didn’t jump in to point out it was the last rose.
~ It’s Blake vs. Garrett.
~ Garrett just told Becca he “can’t wait to meet your people”.
~ Interesting Word Choice for $400, Alex.
~ They’re heading to the Maldives.
~ For a second there, I thought she was going to say their headed to the mall.
~ GUYS, Men Tell All is next week!
~ Cannot wait for all this drama.
I hope you enjoyed reading this blog. If you wish to forgo the comment section, please take this key, throw it in the river, and stay in a flimsy tent. – Chris Harrison
Let us know what you thought of last night’s episode, these notes, elephants, or anything else!
Over and out.