You can either write about your interests in a way that brings everyone in, or leaves everyone out. My goal with this post is to bring everyone in. So if you’re not a wrestling fan, but you’re a “Paul fan”, give this a chance. If you hate both of us, well, that’s simply impossible.
Tonight, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) is hosting a pay-per-view (PPV) event called Extreme Rules. The name is an ode to the now defunct company – Extreme Championship Wrestling (ECW), where most of their matches had no rules and were dubbed “Extreme”.
And that’s as boring as this post will get, I promise. Maybe.
If you want to play along at home, feel free to post your predictions below.
1. Sin Cara vs. Andrade “Cien” Almas (with Zelina Vega)
Almas and Vega debuted on the main roster exactly two months ago and have done very little, which is unfortunate because he was coming off an NXT Championship. (Think of NXT as the minor leagues of WWE).
Sin Cara is the gatekeeper in this feud, meaning he faces the new guy in town, makes him look good, and ultimately loses, while Almas goes on to better things.
I just want this feud to be over with. Almas has a big future and Vega is the perfect manage rfor him.
Winner: Andrade “Cien” Almas
2. The New Day (Big E, Kofi Kingston, Xavier Woods) vs. SAnitY (Eric Young, Alexander Wolfe, Killian Dain) – (Tables Match)
In a Tables Match, the first person to go through a table, loses.
The New Day have established themselves as one of the best tag teams (in the world?) over the last few years. They’re a comedy act, who come out with a tray of pancakes, but unlike most comedy acts, they’re actually a threat to win.
SAnitY is making their main roster PPV debut and I like everything about them, except that when they got called up from NXT, Nikki Cross got left behind. I’m hopeful she joins them eventually. They’re missing something without her.
SAnitY is all about creating chaos and acting like psychopaths.
The New Day can afford eat their pancakes and this loss, while SAnitY needs to win to establish themselves as legitimate.
3. Roman Reigns vs. Bobby Lashley
For some reason, this could end up being the main event but I’m getting it out of the way now because I’m bored to tears by both guys. This match is a fight between two paintbrushes who think they’re better than the other. That’s it.
You know how in Grade 9 you had to act out Romeo and Juliet in English class, and there were some kids who recited their lines as if it were a bedtime story? That’s Bobby Lashley. He’s boring.
The crowd will probably hijack this match because who cares?
Winner: No one. Double Disqualification. They’ll both get counted out while off doing malicious things to each other in the audience or backstage.
4. Finn Balor vs. Baron Corbin aka Constable Corbin
Again, a match for the sake of a match.
Corbin is tall and recently shaved off his long hair to take on his new, Constable Corbin persona. He’s been making fun of how small Finn Balor is, so now they’re going to fight about it because…Wrestling!
Balor deserves better than this.
Winner: Finn Balor
5. Braun Strowman vs. Kevin Owens – (Steel Cage Match)
Strowman is a behemoth of an individual – a Monster Among Men, as his gimmick dictates. He is the “good guy” in this feud, while Owens is the “bad guy”.
However, Strowman has been bullying him mercilessly. He flipped his car. He threw him off a 15 foot ladder – which is basically attempted murder. And then he put him in a porta potty and pushed it off a stage.
I think Kevin Owens is great. He’s hilarious. He’s always the best part of the show. And he made it known that he only got re-verified on Twitter so he could ask Shania Twain to play “When” at a concert in Montreal that he was attending. She didn’t play the song, but he got to go up on stage with her.
Braun Strowman is probably winning this match and will probably do something crazy, like throw Owens off the top of the cage while it’s being raised.
Winner: Braun Strowman
6. The Bludgeon Brothers (Luke Harper & Erick Rowan) (c) vs. Team Hell No (Kane & Daniel Bryan) – SmackDown Tag Team Championship
In real life, Kane is running for mayor in Knox County, Tennessee…so, go vote for “The Devil’s Favourite Demon” or something.
Daniel Bryan finally got cleared to resume his wrestling career a few months ago after having to retire due to concussions. He’s back and I’m happy for him, but he hasn’t regained the magic he once had. For me, at least.
The Bludgeon Brothers are menacing and probably get their beards stuck in sliding doors.
Winner: The Bludgeon Brothers
7. Jeff Hardy (c) vs. Shinsuke Nakamura – United States Championship
Who doesn’t like Jeff Hardy? You can spend hours on YouTube watching his career highlights.
That being said, I think his title reign is coming to an end. I think he’s hurting and needs to pass the belt off to someone else.
Nakamura needs this. If he doesn’t win tonight, he might as well retire. He won the Royal Rumble, went on to face AJ Styles for the WWE Championship at WrestleMania, and lost. Then he lost a bunch of rematches.
If he doesn’t win the US Championship, I don’t know what else he’s supposed to do. Can’t remix is entrance theme again.
Winner: Shinsuke Nakamura
8. Matt Hardy & Bray Wyatt vs. The B-Team (Bo Dallas & Curtis Axel) – RAW Tag Team Championship
If you’re wondering why Matt Hardy is no longer in a tag team with his brother Jeff, it’s because Jeff got hurt, Matt became “Woken”, and then Jeff became a member of the SmackDown roster when he returned, where he now paints his face.
Get all that?
In real life, Bray Wyatt and Bo Dallas are brothers. Their father is former wrestler, Irwin R. Schyster – IRS. The more you know. Leading up to this match, they haven’t touched each other in the ring yet.
They know that we know that they know that we know that they’re brothers.
Dallas and Axel are a comedy duo, who have gained momentum over the last two months.
Hardy and Wyatt are the “Deleters of Worlds” and do spooky things, like talk in dim lighting with smoke.
Winner: Hardy & Wyatt
9. Carmella (c) vs. Asuka – SmackDown Women’s Championship
“Mella is Money.”
I like Carmella. She’s the perfect amount of annoying, which is to say she’s a really good heel.
Asuka is great and all, but they missed the boat on her title reign. The WWE is always about two months behind on pulling the trigger. She should’ve won at WrestleMania, but instead they allowed her undefeated streak to be broken.
Oh, I almost forgot, suspended above the ring in a shark cage will be James Ellsworth, who is Carmella’s secret weapon.
This match is set up for him to drop something down to Carmella when the referee isn’t looking – some sort of spray? – so she can win by cheating because a clean win over Asuka just won’t happen.
Or maybe it backfires and Asuka uses the spray to blind Carmella, and then wins the championship?
10. Dolph Ziggler (c) (with Drew McIntyre) vs. Seth Rollins – Intercontinental Championship (30-Minute Iron Man Match)
Personally, I love Iron Man matches. Unfortunately, they are rare. And nowadays, they’re only 30 minutes instead of the full hour.
The winner is the one who pins or submits their opponent the most times in 30 minutes.
Ziggler won the championship from Rollins a few weeks ago when Rollins issued an open challenge.
It was a shocking win. Like if a child beat you at Tic-Tac-Toe. Not that Ziggler is undeserving – he is – but championships rarely change hands on an episode of Monday Night RAW. That’s all.
Ziggler has the advantage here, with McIntyre at ringside. He’s definitely going to get involved, but how much, and when?
I can see a scenario where the referee catches him being sneaky and bans him from ringside early on. I can also see a scenario where he costs Rollins the win right as time expires.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
11. Alexa Bliss (c) vs. Nia Jax – RAW Women’s Championship
Ronda Rousey will be sitting in the front row during this match, since she is “suspended” and “bought a ticket” for this event.
This match will probably go on early, so Ronda doesn’t have to sit out there long. She’ll definitely get involved in this somehow.
The WWE have ruined Nia a bit, haven’t they? They had her win the championship as a sympathetic figure who was bullied because of her size. And then in her next feud with Ronda Rousey, she became the bully again.
Nia’s character is so back and forth, I don’t understand it anymore.
Alexa Bliss seems to be the one they put the title on when they realize the current champion isn’t doing so well.
This match is probably setting up Bliss vs. Rousey at SummerSlam because Bliss has a double-jointed arm and Rousey is known for the arm bar, so that visual is coming.
Winner: Alexa Bliss
12. AJ Styles (c) vs. Rusev – WWE Championship
Rusev has been one of the hottest things going in the WWE lately, with his “Rusev Day” gimmick. Every day is Rusev Day if you didn’t know. The crowd chants “Rusev Day”, he gets hyped, it’s cool.
The only problem is, he’s a heel. A bad guy. A person we’re not supposed to cheer for. So it’s just been months and months of fans treating him like a good guy, while he uses heel tactics to get booed.
Again, the WWE’s timing is off on this. They should’ve turned him face (a good guy) and given him some sort of championship at WrestleMania.
He probably won’t win here because a big title change like this won’t happen on the pay-per-view right before SummerSlam – one of their biggest events.
It’s a shame. Rusev’s character is just begging to be a fan favourite and they’re not giving it to us.
AJ Styles has gotten boring for me. There, I said it.
Winner: AJ Styles
And we’re done. Wow, this is a big card.
For an event called “Extreme Rules” there are very few matches with “Extreme” stipulations. I think they need to scrap this event altogether and name it something else.
The idea of an Extreme match is starting to get outdating, plus there is already a TLC (Tables, Ladders, and Chairs) event which is the same kind of thing.
TLC needs to be scrapped too. They don’t have any TLC matches outside of that one show, all year. Don’t fact check me on that.
If you made it this far, you’re nuts. I started getting winded on Match #6.
Thanks for reading.
Questions, comments, concerns?