Brain Landfill

Good evening.

Technically, it’s morning, but I’m wearing a retainer in my mouth and talking like Dracula is the only way for words to come out without the accompaniment of saliva. Otherwise, I’m Daffy Duck, but with underwear. I don’t know why I felt that was an important distinction, but we’re here now.

Is everyone following along so far? Great, I’ve lost half of you.

My braces came off 11 years ago, why do I still have to wear a retainer once a week whenever I feel like?

Paul, your teeth might move.

You could pack up my mouth in a U-Haul truck and that thing won’t even leave the driveway. There would be no need to send out a “Merry Christmas from our new location!” card.

That joke was brought to you by my grandfather, who once gave me a Christmas card that said, “Merry Christmas from our new location.” He hadn’t moved; he just bought a bunch of cards from a store before it went out of business, saved them in a shoe box, and took a new one out whenever birthdays or Christmas came around.

Very smart, if you ask me. Though the cards were starting to turn yellow.

Back to retainers!

Am I going to be 50-years-old, watching re-runs of Detectives After Dinner with my wife, and still wearing my retainer? When will this end?

By the way, Detectives After Dinner is a television show that hasn’t been created yet. I’m anticipating it will debut when I’m about 38-years-old so it can have a good 7-year run, so by the time I’m 50, re-runs will be on TV. I’ve planned it all out.

The show is about a husband and wife who turn into detectives after dinner, but they aren’t crime detectives. Those kind of shows will have fizzled out by then.

They are helicopter parents with four kids who don’t tell them anything because they’re too busy with technology to talk to “old people”. So the parents try and find out things about their kids, like who their friends are, what they have for homework, and why they really ask for two spoons in their lunch bag.

The excuse is that one spoon might fall on the floor, so it’s good to have a backup, but really they’re sharing their pudding cup with someone. That’ll be revealed in the Season 1 finale.

I’m copyrighting this right now. Don’t you dare try and steal this idea.

Where was I?

Right, retainers! I have nothing else to spit say about them.

Sorry, I just jumped into this post without any sort of explanation.

I think it’s important – every now and then (I fall apart) – to write about whatever comes to mind and throw it all together in one post. You may call it a Brain Dump, I call it a…a…a Brain Landfill.

Landfill sounds like a spa for pigeons, will dump sounds like an unkept backyard pool with a bandage at the bottom…again, for pigeons.

No matter what it’s called, I think it’s necessary. There are times when I feel like writing, but I’m searching for a topic. This eliminates the need for a topic.

So welcome to my Brain Landfill. Try not to fall.

Now that that’s out of the way, I think I should mention that I discovered a new song today and have listened to it 76 times already.

The song is called Television Romance, by Pale Waves. I had never heard of this band before. I think they’re relatively new, with only a few songs out. They sound like a combination of The 1975 and Halsey.

And despite popular belief, the song is not about The Bachelor.

That was a joke, there is no “popular belief” yet.

Music is a weird thing. Almost every song I listen to can transport me back to the time when I first discovered it.

Maybe it’s because I have the habit of listening to new songs a few hundred times on repeat when I first find them, so that song gets associated with a specific time in my life.

Admittedly, there are some that I can’t listen to in their entirety for one reason or another, or another, or another.

Give us an example, Paul! Give us an example!

Alright, the song “Help I’m Alive” by Metric. I can’t listen to more than 90 seconds of it. It brings me back to first year university. That’s when I first heard the song, plus Metric was the O-Week band that year.

Hearing it puts me back in my dorm room and makes me reminisce. It’s just too hard to listen to.

Has anyone else faced anything similar with specific songs?

While I’m on the topic of school, one of my favourite Netflix series is returning for Season 3 on July 20.

If you like football, miss your university days, and enjoy behind-the-scene style documentaries, Last Chance U is the show for you!

It follows junior college football players/student-athletes, who hope to get noticed and transfer to a bigger college. At the same time, they lack any motivation to apply themselves in the classroom, which puts their football career at risk.

Pick up your feet as we walk, we’re going to the other side of this brain landfill.

This post just got officially loony.

The current book my eyes are reading is called, Slobberknocker. It’s about Jim Ross’ life in wrestling. Jim Ross is arguably the best announcer the wrestling industry has ever had.

I’m really enjoying the book, but it’s one of those things that would be cool to discuss with someone else, except there’s no one to discuss it with. Ever face that problem?

I think I got into wrestling right when everyone else got out of it. That is so prototypical Paul, though. I’m either ahead of the curve, or behind the curve.

I’m rarely ever on the curve, and most of the time that’s intentionally. The rest of the time, I think avocado looks like elephant dung on the counter and can’t get my mind past that visual.

Anyway, I’ve written about it before – how I took a Sociology of Pro Wrestling course in university and the 19 other people in my seminar looked at me like I was a weirdo when I raised my hand to admit that I still watched wrestling.

No one else raised their hand.

As the weeks went on, it became obvious there were a lot of people in the room who still watched but were keen on remaining “cool” and saying, “I stopped watching when The Rock left.”

I could go on a rant here, but what’s the point? I do this a lot – talking myself out of writing about wrestling. I need to stop that. I’m working on it.

Where to from here?

Should I tell you about the giant bug that scampered across the carpet last night at the speed of light and how I caught it, or am I going to get flack from people who don’t kill bugs and just let them roam freely in their house like a pet?

I’m not going to chance it. Just know, I won.

Well, I think I’m done here. If I’m honest, I don’t remember much of what I wrote.

This was necessary, though. I encourage you to try it – start writing without a specific topic in mind and see what you come up with. Just don’t call it Brain Landfill. Pick random words from your post and make that your title.

Oh wow, I almost forgot there was a retainer in my mouth. My top row of teeth are going to be screaming in the morning, I can already hear some of them practising their shreks.

Yes – shreks, as opposed to shrieks. My wisdom teeth have left the building. The remaining teeth are illiterate.

Thanks for reading, you’ve been a fanthathtttic audience.

That’s all, folks.

About Paul

I think of my blog as an all-you-can-read buffet. There's something for everyone and complimentary mints at the door as you leave.
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29 Responses to Brain Landfill

  1. markbialczak says:

    OK, Paul, I can’t figure out why anybody who wasn’t still watching wrestling would sign up for that class!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      I think a lot of them thought it would be an easy class, which it was, but a lot of people didn’t do the readings so they struggled. But still, at least admit you like/watch wrestling if you’re taking a class about wrestling!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This was purely amazing! I had a retainer once myself. And one of those “permanent retainers”. I hated having braces, and I hated my orthodontist because she was so mean. As soon as I turned 18 I forced my dentist to take off the permanent retainer. His name was Paul too! He almost didn’t do it but I laid the “Look, Paul! I’m 18 and I can sign these forms myself. Take it off or I’m talking to your sister!” (his sister was my regular dentist who actually owned the clinic with her husband. Dentist Paul had just started working there) on him and it came off. About 3 months later I stopped using my overnight retainer. I’ve never looked back. It’s a magically freeing feeling.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Ohhh by permanent retainer, are you talking about the ones on the top and bottom of your mouth that are glued(?) on forever? I have those and have gotten use to them lol though I’m a bit jealous you got yours removed and can have your mouth back again. I hate when a carrot gets stuck in them.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Those exact same ones! Although, I only had them on the bottom, and the wire had snapped and wasn’t doing anything to hold anything in place. I left it like that for about 6 months and nothing shifted so that made the choice to have them removed so much easier. You should ask about getting it off! Life is so much better without it haha

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        I think I’d miss it….oh no this has turned into Stockholm syndrome with wires. I’ve always feared them snapping though! It feels like they’re just waiting to cause a disturbance.

        Liked by 2 people

      • haha oh no! We can’t have that!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Rea says:

    Seriously, my favorite posts from you are your “Brain Landfills”. They always bless my heart (I’m southern so I’m allowed to say that XD). It always makes my day

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I’m gonna call your bluff and steal Detectives After Dinner…

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Ariel Lynn says:

    Oh, I’m always finding stuff interesting & I have no one with which to discuss it. But, that’s because my interests are so esoteric. I’m sure I could find “Shakespeare Lovers” or “Chainmaille Enthusiasts” on WordPress, come to think of it.

    Perhaps you could find a similar group/page dedicated to such sports fanatics? 🙂

    It’s funny that I’m reading your post now. I’m watching Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s interview on Stephen Colbert right this very moment. Literally have a notepad document covering half the YouTube video. 😀

    He was talking about the early days of wrestling. He said they lived like “gypsies” who set up rings in used-car parking lots on weekdays. Then, on the weekends, they would hit the “big time” & perform at the local/county/state fairs. LOL

    I apologize to bugs; after I squish them, of course. It’s not that I have anything against them (except mosquitoes; eff those little disease-ridden vampires). Unfortunately, if I didn’t squish them, my cat – who also serves as my “bug early-warning detector” – would use my head as a diving board over which to launch himself at the flying insects. Also, he might get stung by something.

    That’s discounting the fact that they’re freakin’ creepy.

    How about I call my “free writing,” as you’ve performed here brilliantly, by the way, “word vomit?” LOL

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Ha! Chainmail Enthusiasts. That’s quite specific.

      I also saw The Rock on Colbert’s show last night. His path from wrestling to where he is now is extraordinary. There still are independent wrestling companies that set up rings in school gyms or weird outdoor venues and attract 50 people. It’s kinda cool knowing people are committed to putting on a show for a small number of fans.

      But bugs can’t hear you after you squish them hahah

      Word Vomit would be a good title.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Ariel Lynn says:

        Like I said, very limited group with which I can discuss my interests – just like you with what you’re interested. I’m sure you could find people with whom to talk on here!

        By the way, I hadn’t thought to look for blogs about making jewelry & chainmaille until I mentioned it here. I didn’t search for “chainmaille enthusiasts,” though. The first word was sufficient. LOL 😉

        I knew there were still people doing small venue wrestling. I knew a guy who did “backyard wrestling” when I was younger. They’re crazy. LOL

        I don’t know if bugs can hear me before I squish them. I’ve never stopped to ask them.

        Thanks! I’ll keep it in mind; another possibility to add to the growing list of topics about which I don’t seem to ever write. LOL

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Your description of playing new songs a hundred times really made me smile. I do this. A lot. So much so that everyone else in my house says I make them hate music. Like you, there are some songs I struggle to listen to now because they’re so associated with a particular time in my life and transport me back there – I hadn’t made the connection that listening to them so often strengthens that association. I really enjoyed this post, thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Thanks for reading, Julie! I’m glad you could relate! I guess this is why the quote “Music is the soundtrack of our lives” exists. It makes us remember certain things.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Ely says:

    Lol!!! This post was everywhere but it was in all the good places!! I totally got that Total Eclipse of The Heart moment AND I sang it, rather than read it. You know. Anyways. For the millionth time, avocado does NOT taste like elephant dung!!! Paul! Lol. Stop it! And as far as that bug goes- I need more. I want ALL the details! LOL
    LANDFILL POSTS ARE THE BEST. and now I can’t stop thinking about pigeons in little pigeon robes getting manicures and bed fed little worms from a silver platter. Lol

    Liked by 1 person

    • Paul says:

      Yes! Thank goodness one person noticed the Total Eclipse of the Heart line! And I never said avocado tastes like that, I said it LOOKS like that haha. LOL pigeons in robes! That should be a story hmmm…

      Ok so there was this huge bug that was scampering across the carpet SO fast like it was an Olympic sprinter. It went under the TV stand, so I got a ruler to poke it out but it ran behind the TV stand next to the power bar. My mom stood on one side so it would think she was going to attack it, while I snuck in from the other side and squished the sucker. Didn’t see me coming. But I think I’ve upset his family because I saw another one yesterday and almost got it before it ran through a hole in the wall….probably to get reinforcements. I’m prepared for an army now.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Ely says:

        Oh my GOD lol!! At first when you said pigeons in robes should be a story I was like OMG HE MADE ONE UP RIGHT NOW! But then I saw it’s the story about the Notoroious B-U-G! (Man, that would
        Make a fantastic blog title to a bug story! Lol!!! And IM NOT a #buglivesmatter follower so don’t worry lol they’re INVADERS. They cross borders illegally and then hide in our homes and steal our food and the next thing you know, our jobs! If they want the respect they deserve they should do things the right way and seek asylum and become citizens!!! Until then, no mercy! Bahahahaha

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        LOL You have a true talent, this is hilarious! Loving the Notorious B-U-G title. Another one could be Personal Space Invaders. I found another bug the other night as I was brushing my teeth. Saw it’s reflection in the mirror – that’s horrible film level!

        Also, that pigeons story shall be saved for it’s own blog post some day.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ely says:

        Reflections in the mirror when you’re not expecting them ARE horror film level!!! Omg! Lol worst feeling ever! I’ll pass.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Squid says:

    The way you spelled fantastic at the end is absolutely accurate for retainer-wearers… No matter how long we’ve been wearing ours, words like fantastic just won’t come out right!
    I have a funny camp bug squishing story you might appreciate… Summer camp in FL is one of the silliest ideas ever invented (yet I’m still working at one, lol) because of the heat, humidity, and bugs. The mosquitos get so bad that you literally kill at least 10 per hour some nights, and that’s not counting the 30 that get away. ANYWAY, I was stuck in our chapel with a bunch of not-my-campers-but-I-was-still-in-charge-of-them-kids for a while and my brain and humor were so tired and loopy so when I killed a mosquito and got blood all over my hands, I started going up to other staff members and telling them, “I’ve got blood on my hands” in a spooky voice. Our program director groaned and said sarcastically, “You’re hilarious, Sydney,” so I shot back, “No, I’m malarious!” which got an even bigger groan. XD

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Hahahaha I’m so proud you made that joke! So good! Also got a chuckle out of “not-my-campers-but-I-was-still-in-charge-of-them-kid”. Hope you’re having a good time out there!

      Liked by 2 people

      • Squid says:

        Hahaha I knew you’d appreciate that description… It’s definitely been a crazy cool summer and I’ve seen God do some really cool things in kids’ lives and hearts! But I’m ready to get back to regular life after this next (last) week: Teen Week! 😬😆

        Liked by 2 people

  9. Meg says:

    I loved the Looney Tunes reference at the end : )
    Also, you should make this a series.
    That’s all I have to say XD

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Dutch Lion says:

    Back when I took psychology classes for my school counseling degree one of the professors said an interesting thing. He said, “Sometimes therapy is as easy as telling the person to stop. They just need to hear it from someone else, especially a trained professional, and then they’ll take the advice and quit.”

    So in that mode of thought I’ll tell you, as a trained professional, “STOP WEARING THE RETAINER. IT’S OK. PUT IT IN THE TRASH AND NEVER USE IT AGAIN.” Your future wife will thank me.

    Great post.

    Liked by 1 person

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