Hey, why did the bachelorette run out of roses? Because she gave out a bunch to guys who are only there to provide entertainment for the viewers! HAHA!
That was a test. If you laughed at that joke, I’m worried for you.
Anyway, joining me again this week is Cass! Her thoughts will be in bold.
Happy Bachelorette Monday!
~ They are in Vegas this week and just like every other place this show has ever gone to, this is the perfect place to
canoodle fall in love.
~ The boys are pumped to be in Vegas.
~ The guys move into their suite. They’re all wearing the same shirt, but in different colours.
~ Connor’s going on about the view and not seeing anything like it, dude’s a child so I’m not surprised.
~ We are three minutes in and I’m already tired of the “take a gamble” and “roll the dice” jokes.
~ The first date card arrives and it is for Colton.
~ Not sure about the sparkly jacket and pleather pant option even though I’m a pleather pant kinda gal.
~ Really not impressed with these outfits this season.
~ Becca and Colton will be riding camels because nothing is more romantic than camels spitting up their lunch.
~ Riding camels in Vegas…really.
~ Colton isn’t enjoying himself. His camel is slow. Some would say he has camel slow….I’ll see myself out.
~ Back in the suite, David the Chicken is making a big cluck out of the order in which Becca hands out roses at the Rose Ceremony.
~ The camels have parallel parked and are supervising as Colton and Becca jump into a hot tub.
~ And now a hot tub…
~ I can’t tonight, I just really can’t.
~ Every season, they put a hot tub in the middle of nowhere. The producers have been using the same shot list since forever.
~ Now they’re at dinner, which means no food will be eaten.
~ If that were me, I’d eat the food. If anything, it would delay filming and extend the date.
~ Colton tells her he’s been in love once, which is why love has confusion and pain associated with it, for him.
~ Back at the suite is a group date card for: Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Tarzan, Lincoln, Jason, and Chris.
~ Model J & David the Chicken are on the 2-on-1 date. What a shock. Who saw this coming?
~ Becca is making it easier for Colton to take his walls down. I didn’t know he was a carpenter.
~ She gives him a rose. They kiss. They don’t eat. They leave the table. They’re now on a bus?
~ Colton and Becca on this bus make me want to vomit.
~ We’re 24 minutes in and they’re already on the group date, which means the 2-on-1 will be nauseatingly long.
~ The group date guys are crammed in a limo headed to a mansion?
~ Now that’s a limo!
~ Wayne Newton rides up on a horse to greet everyone. Another chaperoned date.
~ Does Wayne Newton even watch TV? Does he know what show this is?
~ So they are in Vegas, but leaving the strip at every chance…Don’t get it!
~ It’s Episode 5 and I know nothing about Becca.
~ Oh, they’re at Newton’s house. This is realistic. Of course Becca would bring them there.
~ Look at these guys jog. I can’t.
~ Ugh, they have to write a song for Becca. They don’t even know if she puts ketchup on her fries, or on the side, and they have to write her a song.
~ Finally a nice outfit for Becs!
~ Wayne Newton is going around to check on everyone, as if he’s a supply teacher trying to look helpful during a work period.
~ Now that, kids, is what botox does to your face.
~ Wills is wearing a floral romper with black socks. Uhhhh.
~ Chris starts singing his lyrics to Wayne, while Tarzan sings his to a horse.
~ This is incredibly painful. Most dates on this show are just camp activities for adults.
~ The guys look like they’re on a boring field trip.
~ They have to sing their songs in front of a live audience because this will allow them to get to know Becca better, since one of them is proposing in a month.
~ You can sense how stressed these boys are in the limo, I love it.
~ Imagine being in Vegas and accidentally attending this show. That would have been a waste of money.
~ John the Poet is up first. It’s a rain trek. Saying it was a train wreck would be too nice.
~ I love that John has made it this far.
~ Garrett is up next. Equally bad.
~ Lincoln sounds like he’s trying to autotune his own voice manually.
~ Blake is terrible.
~ Tarzan is awful.
~ Too bad the banjoist went home last week.
~ GET OFF THE STAGE, BOYS.
~ Chris, the veteran of these song dates, is working the crowd more than everyone else did.
~ Where’s the fast forward button?
~ It’s time for the night portion of the date. They’re in a lounge at T-Mobile Arena, home of the Vegas Golden Knights and their incredible pre-game theatrics.
~ IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT’S KNIIIIIIIIIGHT TIIIIIIIIME!
~ This dress is so bad, again ABC, what is with this wardrobe?
~ Garrett and Becca reassure each other that they didn’t forget about each other. That’s nice.
~ Back at the suite is the Chicken vs. Model J date card. The Chicken talks way too much about Model J’s golden underwear. Does he want to iron it for him or something?
~ Chris says he’s not affected by the other guys getting one-on-one time before him. He’s letting that performance get to his head.
~ Blake takes Becca outside and tells her he’s falling in love with her. Episode 5. One episode after Jean Blanc said it to her and she threw him out.
~ Blake just dropped the “L” word.
~ “I’m falling in love with Blake.” – Becca
~ They return and Becca is wrapping up the date without getting to talk to Chris.
~ Chris. You didn’t make an effort to take her aside. Stop being a baby.
~ A few minutes ago he called himself a frontrunner. He’s not.
~ Blake gets a rose.
~ Chris is now wondering why he’s there.
~ The moment we have all been waiting for…the 2-on-1 date.
~ We have 64 minutes left in the episode and it’s time for the 2-on-1 date. I don’t see the point of this. She’s not going to pick either one of them in the end.
~ David the Chicken vs. Model J.
~ Jordan a loyal partner? Hmm.
~ Becca is driving a jeep through the desert to a bed set up under a canopy. Okay.
~ 50 years from now when I’m explaining this show to my grandchildren, they’ll think I’m sick and send me to the hospital.
~ Becca is trying to embrace the silence and Chicken keeps talking. He doesn’t know when to let things breathe.
~ The Chicken and Becca go to talk and he instantly tells her Model J isn’t there for the right reasons.
~ I need wine, I can’t watch this sober.
~ I can just picture the finale now. “David, I want to spend the rest of my life with you because our conversations about Model J were so great. It doesn’t matter that I know nothing about you.” “Cock-a-doodle doooooo!”
~ This is a train wreck.
~ David focused way too much on Jordan, not surprised.
~ Chicken told Becca that Model J said he could see himself settling for Becca.
~ “Being me is my greatest power. Being you isn’t your greatest power that’s why you have to talk about me.” – Model J
~ Model J is cutting a wrestling promo on the Chicken right now.
~ Becca is sitting with both of them and says she feels like they’re in 6th Grade. What did she expect this to be? They’re in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do.
~ SHE’S SENDING DAVID THE CHICKEN HOME!
~ They left him in the desert. He sabotaged himself.
~ He disliked Model J more than he liked Becca. If he liked her, he would’ve wanted to talk to her.
~ My theory is he knew he looked like a giant fool coming out of the limo wearing a chicken costume on the first night, so his mission was to make someone else look more ridiculous than him.
~ Model J and Becca are at dinner now. He hasn’t received a rose yet, so he’s not safe.
~ They talk about what they do on weekends. Becca likes to lay in bed, go to church, and eat brunch.
~ Model J likes to work on his body.
~ Now he’s going through his different facial expressions and his modelling portfolio. Becca’s sad that it’s all about him.
~ She finally realized it’s all about Jordan, always.
~ Like I said, Episode 5 and I know nothing about Becca.
~ Back at the suite, Chris says Becca needs to win him over.
~ Becca is sending Model J home and says, “I think there’s something missing here.” He’s shocked because of course.
~ Why was Jordan’s jacket on his lap instead of on the chair?
~ What a waste of a date, she could’ve just sent them home at a Rose Ceremony. But it’s fine…she has plenty of time left in this process…
~ “Tomorrow I’ll wake up alone just like I always do.”- Model J
~ The guys in the suite are jumping around because he went home.
~ There are 10 guys left, you can’t tell me she sees a future with all of them.
~ Chris is starting to implode. His night ends in a limo with a cameraman, mark my words.
~ It’s time for the cocktail party. Becca grabs Chris first because she’s confused by him.
~ “Well…you took me on two song-writing dates.” – I made this up
~ “You owe me 1000 kisses right now.” – He actually said this
~ I’m sorry Chris, what the heck?
~ A girl does not owe you kisses, you jerk.
~ She confronts him about his comments about wanting to go home.
~ Chris thinks it’s obvious that he likes her, but she’s wondering why he didn’t take the initiative to go find her.
~ YES BECS! Way to tell Chris to man up.
~ “The way she looked at me is not the way she looked at me, like, a week ago.” – Things change fast on this show
~ “She won’t even look at me, like, in my eye.”
~ Anyone else notice how smart these guys are while talking about other guys? Like be my friends, critique my dating life please.
~ Chris is now going to break up her time with Wills, to show that he cares. He tries to steal her away and she says they just sat down.
~ Now he wants to man up when his man card is being revoked on national TV. I can’t.
~ Wills gives him two minutes and not a second more!
~ Wills is way too nice for his own good, I would have punched Chris out.
~ Wills has returned. His stopwatch is a bit quick. They’re now bickering about how long two minutes is.
~ Chris finally cracks and leaves after Becca says she’ll go find him later.
~ I really hope Chris goes home for being a douche to Wills.
~ If Chris wasn’t so long-winded and hadn’t buried such a hole for himself, he wouldn’t need all night to explain himself to Becca.
~ The guys are all talking about Chris taking time from them.
~ Garrett’s looking like he might punch him out, I’m rooting for everyone to punch Chris right now.
~ Wow, this is making me feel kinda violent but like, just go home Chris.
~ CAN YOU SAY INSECURE!? I’m having a panic attack about how clingy he would be as a partner.
~ I just had to fast forward over Chris, I couldn’t take it anymore.
~ Heyo, it’s Chris Harrison! He ends the party. There is a God.
~ He hasn’t said “Fellas” in three episodes and I’m starting to get concerned.
~ It’s finally time for the Rose Ceremony. They need to start making these episodes 90 minutes, this dragged on too much.
~ Garrett gets a rose.
~ The detective from Twin Peaks, Jason, gets a rose.
~ Wills gets a rose. Must’ve been the floral romper.
~ Lincoln gets a rose.
~ Tarzan gets a rose.
~ Connor Blitzen gets a rose.
~ Connor, do your buttons up for goodness sake.
~ Chris gets the final rose, which means all-around good guy, John the Poet is going home.
~ Chris over freaking John.
~ WHAT THE HELL?
~ Screw you ABC, screw you.
~ John doesn’t deserve this, but he was too good for this show anyway.
~ John was too good for this show anyway.
~ Ah, there it is. There’s always at least one occurrence where we write the same thing.
~ They’re headed to Richmond, Virginia next. The guys pretend to be excited.
~ Moral of the evening: shouldn’t have done this sober.
~ Have a good week loves!
That’s been Cass, I’ve been Paul, and this has been an unmitigated disaster.
See you next week!