Do you smell that? Don’t worry, you will soon because it was a fragrant episode of The Bachelorette last night. I’m glad to be joined again this week by our in-house fashion critic and Blake supporter, Cass! Her thoughts will appear in bold.
Happy Tuesday, guess who’s back! Thanks again for including me Paul!
~ So it feels like a year since last Monday’s episode ended, but guess what, we get to start off with the cocktail reception!
~ It’s been a rough week so Blake decides to cheer Becca up by telling her he wants 3-5 kids.
~ Guys, Blake is talking about kids and what he would name his daughters (I’m having a heart attack).
~ Blake just wants to name his future daughter Blake, doesn’t he?
~ The guys are talking about David the Chicken – the guy who fell out of bed and is in the hospital.
~ “I talk to God every day and people that go against me just end up hurt sometimes.” – Model J
~ Becca has a gift for Model J. It is a pair of gold short shorts.
~ “I think Becca might have my groin on her mind.”
~ Meanwhile, David is back from the dead with a black eye and a broken nose, but he claims what hurts the most
was being so close and having so much to say and watching her walk away is not being there for Becca.
~ David would enter during Jordan’s alone time! I’m dead.
~ David will be sleeping on the bottom bunk of the chicken coop from now on.
~ Becca gives him a rose, so he can go rest during the Rose Ceremony.
~ Atta girl Becs, so glad she gave David the rose.
~ Rest up David, you’ll need it!
~ It’s finally time for the Rose Ceremony. Thank the heavens.
~ The detective from Twin Peaks (Jason) gets a rose.
~ Wills gets a rose.
~ Why is Nick wearing a tracksuit to the rose ceremony…come on, dude.
~ Nick is the guy who was dressed like a race car driver on the first night.
~ Nick gets a rose! What the hecka, Becca?
~ Christon gets a rose.
~ Did Becca lose her voice? She’s whispering her way through this.
~ Lincoln gets a rose.
~ Blake Astley Manziel gets a rose.
~ Garrett gets a rose.
~ Tarzan gets a rose.
~ John the Poet gets a rose.
~ Connor gets a rose. His hair has more volume than a TV remote.
~ Model J gets a rose.
~ Chris comes in, breathes heavily, and tells Becca she has one rose remaining.
~ The final rose goes to Jean Blanc aka Johnny Scents.
~ Man Bun Mike – the guy who brought a cardboard cutout of Arie, is going home.
~ She also sent the banjoist home. We never saw his banjo. That was not a euphemism.
~ Really Becs? Jean-Blanc & Jordan over Man Bun Mike & Ryan…
~ Becca tells the guys they’re headed to Park City, Utah and they celebrate as if she said Las Vegas.
~ They arrive in Utah and Becca loves the fresh air. Her scarf is longer than she is.
~ Oh look, she’s staring off a balcony into the distance! No one does this! At least put a cellphone in her hand and make it more realistic.
~ Becca picks up Garrett and they’re going on a date.
~ They immediately go to an alpaca shop and try on hats.
~ Garrett is probably thinking he could hunt and make her something instead of buying her something at this alpaca store.
~ “Garrett does remind me of home.” – Becca
~ What is up with Becs shoes?
~ Back at the lodge the guys are staying at, Lincoln thinks the earth is flat and says the reason why we can walk and not slip off is because of friction.
~ Recently, it came out that he was convicted of indecent assault and battery. He can go home yesterday, as far as I’m concerned.
~ Johnny Scents senses something brewing. Yeah, he’s probably going home tonight. #Foreshadowing
~ Becca and Garrett are riding a ski lift, so you’d think they’re going skiing. Nope!
~ They’re going bobsledding.
~ Becca doesn’t know how to bobsled so she brought two Olympians to help them. She’s had chaperones on every date so far, hasn’t she?
~ It’s a four person bobsled….and they’re off!
~ “We made it!”
~ Garrett is on Cloud 10. Oh, what a clever fellow. That’s one higher than Cloud 9.
~ These two look really comfortable with each other. You can just tell. Becca doesn’t act this way with the other guys.
~ They’re going to dinner at the Big Moose Yacht Club. I approve of the name.
~ The place is made out of wood and has a million candles in it. This shouldn’t be a fire hazard at all.
~ Becca tells him he reminds her of her dad.
~ Garrett tells her about his first love when he was 23-years-old. They got married, but after two months of marriage, they got a divorce.
~ Whoa, way to drop a bombshell Garrett.
~ Garrett pulled a fast one there and got divorced after 2 months…Kim Kardashian & Kris Humphries’ marriage lasted longer than his.
~ Back at the Love Lodge, the next date card is for: Model J, Chris R. Blake, Nick, John the Poet, Lincoln, Tarzan, David, Connor, Christon, Jason, Colton, and Johnny Scents.
~ So basically everyone except Wills.
~ Awh, Wills get the one on one!
~ My favourite thing about Wills is his name is written on all of his clothing, like a name tag. He’s living in the future, we should all catch up.
~ I love how his sweater has his name on it! Now I want one that says “Cass”.
~ Back at the Big Moose, Garrett reassures Becca that he’s there for her and wants things to work.
~ She gives him a rose.
~ They head to the 58th part of this date, which is a Granger Smith concert. I hope Cass knows who this is because I don’t.
~ Holy smokes, it’s Granger Smith. I love this song.
~ Well then.
~ Everyone in the crowd is filming them dancing and kissing. This is intrusive.
~ Do people actually go back and watch the videos they record at a concert?
~ Next up is a group date with 13 guys. Becca is dressed as a lumberjack.
~ “Welcome to Utah!” – Becca
~ Ugh, Becca. You’re not from Utah! You’re a visitor just like them! You can’t welcome them to a place you’re also visiting! Arie did this on every date last season. It drove me nuts.
~ They’re out in the middle of nowhere to do some lumber jacking. There are two lumberjacks there to act as chaperones.
~ To start, they’re splitting a piece of wood with an axe.
~ This is one manly date.
~ David the Chicken is picking on Model J for not being in his element with an axe, yet he’s really good with nail polish at the spa.
~ Dude, you fell out of a bunk bed. Stop clucking.
~ Model J split the piece of wood perfectly. Good.
~ Johnny Scents, Lincoln, and Chris R. are struggling with the axe.
~ We get to separate the men from the boys, finally.
~ Jason’s description of the guys in the house right now…accurate.
~ Whoa, John is killing it, who would have thought?
~ “I lifted a 400 pound log, how awesome is that?” – John the Poet, talking about a log that couldn’t possibly weigh that much.
~ It’s now time for Becca’s Big Lumberjack Bash.
~ Should’ve called it Becca’s Lumberjack Tournament, so BLT would be the acronym. Think, people, think!
~ They’re dividing into two teams and will be competing for Becca.
~ “We’re gonna win today because we have Becca on our team.” – Johnny Scents
~ The competition is on and it has come down to Blake and John scaling a 30-foot pole.
~ “Blake lives for this, he lives in the mountains and eats bugs.” Oh my.
~ Look at John go!
~ John won it for his team.
~ John wins The Golden Axe trophy.
~ It’s time for the night portion of the date and all the guys are dressed like a clothing catalogue.
~ Becca is gonna get engaged to one of these guys and not know what they look like in a short sleeve shirt that has writing and/or a logo on it.
~ This is one super cute distillery.
~ Jason and Becca sit down to talk and kiss. If this show were a fast-food restaurant, the Talk & Kiss would be Combo #1.
~ That is one long kiss Becs, y’all are gonna suffocate soon.
~ Becs just confirmed that Jason is a great kisser.
~ Becca asks Colton if he’s ever been in love. He says he has.
~ The follow up question in her head was probably: Was it with Tia?
~ Model J has taken off his pants to reveal his gold shorts.
~ I’m traumatized.
~ Put on some pants Jordan, no one wants to see this. I repeat, no one!
~ My name is Paul and I support that message.
~ Colton thinks Model J is a clown and isn’t there for the right reasons.
~ Colton is calling out Model J for being a clown. He wants to paint himself as the protector of Becca’s heart.
~ Colton is seriously adorable when he’s being all protective.
~ Is this episode over yet? 48 MORE MINUTES? Oh my God, I can’t take it. I’m going to shove myself into a water bottle and use a tylenol tablet as a raft.
~ Johnny Scents is giving Becca her own fragrance which is called, Miss Becca Blanc. OH NO.
~ If you smelllllll what Johnny Scents is cooking.
~ Jean-Blanc, what the hell?
~ And then he forces a kiss on her.
~ MAY DAY, MAY DAY.
~ I feel awkward. I’ll be on the raft inside my water bottle if anyone needs me.
~ “Jean is just a lot.” – Becca
~ “You can’t sleep in the game of love.” – Johnny Scents
~ Oh, I think you can, sir.
~ Alright, we need to start warming up the guys in the bullpen. Johnny is running on fumes right now.
~ And by “fumes”, I mean Becca is going to be fuming BECAUSE HE JUST TOLD HER HE’S FALLING IN LOVE WITH HER. IT’S THE 4TH EPISODE. STOP! IN THE NAME OF LOVE!
~ Oh, Johnny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling.
~ I will now shove myself into a Kleenex box and camp out at the bottom until this is over. I can’t watch.
~ “I realize we’re at the beginning stages.” – Johnny Scents
~ What is he doing!?
~ Becca is sending him home! He is blindsided by this.
~ Before he walks out he says, “What about the gift?”
~ She likes the gift (not really), but you gotta go.
~ He now says he didn’t mean that he’s falling in love with her, he just said it.
~ Just leave, why are you still talking, Jean?
~ I’m now trying to shove my whole body into my sock, this is that hard to watch.
~ And he’s out.
~ Serious question: Why do guys find the need to be dishonest and play games or what not?
~ Answer: Because they want to get from Point A to Point B, but don’t think they can get there by being themselves, so in order to get what they want, they say the things they think will unlock the path to Point B. Thus, lies are told, games are played, and trust is broken.
~ Becca goes back to tell the guys that Johnny Scents stunk up the place.
~ Whoa, whoa. No rose tonight.
~ Jean-Blanc just ruined it for the guys.
~ Awh, these guys are so adorable right now. They are all super protective & I love it!
~ Leo always has such a good little speech.
~ Up next is her date with Wills, but she’s emotionally exhausted so this date could go sideways quickly.
~ Wills is dashing through the snow like he’s on stilts. There’s no other way to describe it.
~ Good luck, Wills, you got this!
~ Wills’ voiceover just made me tear up, what a sweet guy.
~ They’re going snowmobiling.
~ They stop on the top of a hill to talk, as Wills checks in to make sure she’s okay.
~ HE IS ACTUALLY SO SWEET! OH MY LORD.
~ Yes Becs, this is what you needed today!
~ Day has turned to night and they are at Blue Bear Inn. If you say it quickly, it sounds like Blue Baron.
~ Wills is putting himself in the “Too good for this show” category.
~ Wills is talking about his ex and how they were talking about wedding plans, but he saw her with another guy at a place where they spent multiple anniversaries.
~ Wills was all in and his ex broke his heart…
~ One of Wills’ fears is not being enough for someone.
~ What girl wants a hall pass when you have an amazing boyfriend…..
~ My heart right now.
~ “Wills will you accept this rose?” “Put it on me, please.” – whoa
~ Becs, we know he was perfect for this date, even I’m falling for him now & I don’t even know him.
~ Back at the Love Lodge, the guys are having a powwow around the coffee table.
~ Nick tells us he didn’t get time on his group date, so he wants it tonight to prove he is there for the right reasons.
~ In walks Chris Harrison, wearing your grandfather’s favourite sweater.
~ “What’s up, boys?”
~ Does he not say “Fellas” anymore? Say it ain’t so, Chris!
~ Chris Harrison Fella Counter remains at 2, I suppose.
~ He informs them that Becca has cancelled the cocktail party.
~ CHRIS WITH THE BOMB.
~ Low-key kinda glad we skipped the cocktail party.
~ Becca arrives, talks to Chris, gives a little speech, and starts the Rose Ceremony.
~ Yes, Chris, no more games. We know this.
~ Tarzan gets a rose.
~ Colton gets a rose.
~ Blake Astley Manziel gets a rose.
~ The Twin Peaks detective gets a rose. I really hope people understand this reference. Google it if you need to. The resemblance is uncanny.
~ Connor gets a rose.
~ Every time she says “Connor”, I change it to “Donner” in my head and want to follow it up by saying “Blitzen”.
~ Praying they play with reindeer in a future episode. Will settle for regular deer.
~ Lincoln gets a rose.
~ John the Poet gets a rose.
~ Chris R. aka Eddie from Friends gets a rose.
~ David the Chicken gets a rose.
~ Model J gets the final rose. Oh good, that keeps the David vs. Model J 2-on-1 still in play for the future.
~ Everyones faces when Jordan got the rose…it’s season 14, we can’t be surprised.
~ Nick and Christon didn’t get a rose.
~ Christon’s one shining moment this season was in the first episode when he dunked on her.
~ THEY’RE GOING TO VEGAS NEXT WEEK AHAHAHA
~ I said at the beginning they reacted to going to Utah as if they were going to Vegas. Now they’re going to Vegas and the enthusiasm wasn’t as high.
~ Model J is sad he was called last and says he could go from Captain Underpants to Captain Just Took Everyone’s Girl.
~ Go home Captain Underpants.
~ We’ll have more Captain updates next week, right here, on The Captain’s Speech.
~ Model J and David ARE going on a 2-on-1 next week. I’m just predicting this whole show.
~ Can we fast forward to next Monday please…
Big thanks to Cass for doing this again! Sometimes I wonder if there are people who read this and don’t know there are two people writing it. Then I panic a bit.
See you all next week!