Welcome back to another award-eligible edition of Bachelorette Viewing Notes!
Please join me in welcoming back the two-time special guest commentator, she is the ice cream assassin (unless she says otherwise because I didn’t run this by her beforehand), Cass!
Happy Bachelorette Monday, Cass again! Huge thank you to Paul for including me once again!
Cass’ comments will be in bold.
~ We start off with Becca riding around on a bicycle that has an oversized basket. Who does she think she is, Jessica Fletcher?
~ The men have moved into the frat house, otherwise known as Harrison Manor.
~ “What’s up, fellas?” – Chris Harrison
~ Chris Harrison Fella Count (this season): 2
~ His sleeves aren’t rolled up! What is happening?!
~ Chris had a good line there, “I don’t even remember you from night one.” Poor David.
~ First date card is for: Clay with the clay, Nick, Chris R., David the Chicken, Jean Blanc aka Johnny Scents, Jordan aka Model J, Connor, and Moral Compass Lincoln.
~ The guys arrive to meet Becca and they’re all dressed as if their clothes are on the BRAT diet.
~ These guys really need to stop yelling “Becca”. Just stop. It’s weird.
~ They’re all changing into tuxedos in the middle of the room, while Becca pretends not to look.
~ So many abs.
~ So many muscles.
~ Model J tells Becca to put her confidence on before her socks and shoes.
~ His next modelling tip is, “Be the person your camera thinks you are.” Okay, I made that one up.
~ Let’s quickly check in on Cass…
~ Damn just dropped my ice cream again (2nd week in a row..switching back to popcorn).
~ Becca et al. walk down to a field and Rachel and Bryan from last season are there.
~ The men will be going through an obstacle course. Based on how the sun is reflecting off them, I can tell it’s 9:30am. Snack time will be in an hour.
~ “This is more than just a silly obstacle course. These guys are great but I need to know that I can trust them, so today I’m putting them to the test.” – Becca
~ Trust is built through obstacle courses. Noted.
~ The first obstacle has them tied to a ball and chain, as they run to hop in an ice tub.
~ “Don’t worry about the shrinkage.”
~ Lincoln is rolling through the mud with a bouquet of flowers, but loses time when his flowers fall out of the vase. Details, man, details!
~ They’re now searching through a wedding cake for a ring, without using their hands.
~ Lincoln wins a
foot knee race down the aisle and wins a kiss and a photo. What is this, a town fair?
~ The night portion of the date is at what looks like a castle, but they haven’t shown the outside so it could just be a fancy house.
~ Lincoln steals her away first since she’s his “wife” now.
~ “It’s a group date, bro.” – Model J
~ Does Model J expect them all to just hang out and tell funny stories around the fire?
~ This isn’t a camping trip. It’s The Bachelorette, dammit! – Future tagline for the show
~ Connor says Lincoln doesn’t come across as real.
~ Becca gives Lincoln a picture of them standing under the altar from the date.
~ Anyone else notice that Lincoln kisses weird? No, I mean really weird.
~ Back at Harrison Manor, the second date card arrives.
~ It is for Blake Astley Manziel.
~ “Don’t come back” – Colton’s reaction to Blake getting the first one-on-one (I’m watching you, Colton). Go Blake.
~ Chris R. looks like Eddie (Chandler’s temporary roommate) from Friends. An assist to Cass for pointing that out to me.
~ “I’m here for you.” Drink!
~ All we’re getting from this group date is quick sound bytes from each guy when they talk to her.
~ We’re also getting Lincoln flirting with his picture frame.
~ Why does he keep kissing the picture…why is he talking to the picture? Lincoln you are a grown ass man. Stop.
~ The other guys think he’s a sore winner and don’t know why that photo needs to be on display.
~ This group date dinner is getting heated.
~ Connor just discus tossed it into the pool! Oh, nope. It hit a tree first and smashed against the ground. The closing shot is of it floating in the pool, though.
~ FAKE EDITING.
~ I would do the same thing Connor, don’t worry.
~ His picture is broken and so is his heart. The moral compass is spinning out of control.
~ “Journey.” Drink!
~ Johnny Scents sweet talked his way into a first kiss.
~ We now have a full-blown #PictureGate happening.
~ Was it wrong for Lincoln to put it on display? Was it wrong for Connor to throw it against a tree and then allow a production assistant to place it in the pool? Have your say!
~ Clay is now assuming the role of Moral Compass.
~ Lincoln has run off to tell Becca about Connor’s antics. “I feel threatened, physically.”
~ Who would have guessed guys could have so much drama?
~ Here comes the interrogation from Becca.
~ “Do you have a history of throwing pictures of your girlfriend with one of her twenty other boyfriends, into a pool? Speak directly into the microphone.”
~ I don’t think Connor is a villain. He’s just a patsy.
~ Johnny Scents gets the group date rose, and Lincoln looks perplexed. “It’s a stab to the heart.”
~ Come on Lincoln, it’s “shot through the heart”, do you even listen to Bon Jovi?
~ Back at Harrison Manor, it’s the next day and Lincoln is crying about his broken photo.
~ Lincoln’s turning into a cry baby now.
~ “He’s the cry guy.” – Model J
~ Jordan has some hilariously good points there. (I don’t like you, but you’re keeping tonight interesting).
~ Blake and Becca are going on Becca’s first “real date” since she was engaged.
~ I hope Becca doesn’t tell Lincoln how she really feels about “group dates”.
~ Their limo driver has taken them to what looks like the other side of the tracks.
~ Chris Harrison is waiting for them in an alley with a sledgehammer over his shoulder!
~ Chris has turned dark this season. First his sleeves are rolled down and now this? He’s basically a Scooby-Doo villain.
~ Fingers crossed they chase after him, in and out of rooms, before going after him down a long hallway.
~ They get changed into “smashing clothes” and walk into…okay smashing clothes probably wasn’t the best term.
~ They’re dressed like plumbers, alright? Just go with me here.
~ They’re in a warehouse and all of a sudden Lil Jon appears.
It’s now a 2-on-1 date!
~ Around the warehouse are a bunch of “Arie mementos” and now they’re smashing all of them. She starts with the race car.
~ GUYS! ABC needs to stop bringing up Arie. Just stop. But I mean thank you for giving Becca a cute belt at least, and bringing Lil Jon on this season.
~ That “cute belt” comment is exactly why I’m not doing this by myself. Didn’t even notice it. In other news, the number on the race car was 25. It was very big.
~ Recap: Connor can’t throw a picture frame against a tree and allow a production assistant to place it in the pool (I’m not budging on this theory), but Becca and Blake can smash her old boyfriend’s “belongings”.
~ Wait..isn’t smashing a mirror bad luck?
~ She just smashed a TV! BECCA! THAT TV HAD A FAMILY!
~ If this were an English class I’d be talking about the symbolism in destroying old memories and making new ones with Blake, but it’s not so I won’t.
~ It’s time for dinner by a fireplace and the small round table that’s on every one-on-one date in Bachelor/ette history, has made an appearance! Still sturdy as ever.
~ Blake says he’s not nervous but he just said “like” four times in the span of two sentences.
~ Blake tells her that he fell hard for his last girlfriend. One time, while she was in the bathroom, he saw texts from her friends come in on her phone asking her if she had broken up with him yet.
~ Guys, Blake’s story just broke my heart, if he doesn’t marry Becca he better be the bachelor. (I would audition, you have my word).
~ At Harrison Manor, the third date card is for: Garrett, Rickey, John, Ryan, Alex, Chris, Trent, Leo aka Tarzan, Wills, and Colton.
~ The detective from Twin Peaks (Jason) and Man Bun Mike aren’t getting a date this week.
~ Neither is Joey Grocery, who got sent home on the first night. Forever in our
hearts produce section.
~ Back on the date, no food has been consumed, but Hair B&B have permanent smiles on their faces.
~ Hair B&B (it’s like 3 puns in 1) is their couple name, so says me. Also in the running was, Beccake and Blecca.
~ They’re now kissing against a wall in a dark alley and that villain Chris Harrison seems to have gotten away.
~ Time for the third date and the men are boarding a school bus. Seat belts, everyone!
~ Why is there a school bus where the limos should be?
~ “Becca looks amazing, but she smells even better.” – Colton is giddy
~ They enter a school gymnasium and three kids are hurling balls at them. The girl in the headband is taking no prisoners.
~ These kids are ruthless, I love them.
~ They’re divided into two teams and a game of dodgeball has commenced.
~ Becca’s team has decided to hide behind her because no guy will throw at Becca, right?
~ Wrong. Right out of the gate, Christon hits Becca.
~ The guys are now being transported to a trampoline dodgeball arena, where Chris Harrison is doing commentary with Fred Willard. Who?
~ Fred talks about his time at a nudist colony where they played volleyball, so he’s qualified for this.
~ Tarzan has put his hair in a man bun. Could it be an ode to Mike?
~ Tarzan is always the last man (bun) standing on the Pink team.
~ Leo with the winning lines again: “Winning doesn’t come from bicep curls.” I can’t stop laughing.
~ In the best-of-three series, the Green team won. Representing the Green team was: it doesn’t matter.
~ That was three lame dodgeball games…next.
~ Everyone is going to the after party. Whereas in Arie’s season, the losing team was always sent home. This must be the Krystal Rule in effect.
~ “I feel like you’re the girl version of me.” – Garrett
~ Colton has a secret, can he keep it? No. He had a relationship with Tia, who was on last season and is friends with Becca.
~ Let’s check in on Cass once again…
~ OMG COLTON OMG
~ TIA WHY DID THIS NOT WORK!!! I NEED ANSWERS.
~ Colton and Tia had a weekend together and he didn’t think they could grow a spark into a flame.
~ Fire analogy, bro.
~ Relationships = The fire making challenge on Survivor. Noted.
~ Becca says she feels “a little bit sick” about this.
~ Maybe she should have Colton run the obstacle course to see if she can trust him.
~ It’s time for the cocktail party.
~ New Moral Compass Clay brings her outside to teach her a touchdown celebration.
~ Stat of the Night: Clay had 8 TDs in 7 NFL seasons.
~ OH NO, THE TOUCHDOWN DANCE IS THAT FLOSS DANCE THAT CHILDREN DO.
~ Clay, that dance wasn’t even around the last time you got a touchdown.
~ The end of the celebration is a kiss.
An NFL ref has appeared and thrown a flag on the play for excessive celebration.
~ John just got a kiss and his poem was adorable, please keep him around.
~ Connor gives her a picture of himself and tells her to throw it in the pool. I guess they’re even now.
~ Meanwhile, Model J is walking around in his underwear because he wants Becca to like him for his personality.
~ Is anyone else listening to Jordan?
~ Pretty sure he has baby oil on.
~ “Tic tok let’s make this thing rock.” Shut up, Jordan.
~ David the Chicken gets interrupted by Model J and says that’s not what Becca wants to see.
~ Well, did she want to see you in a chicken costume on night one? She can’t tell your future children she was swept away by Foghorn Leghorn.
~ Maybe cocka doodle doo not do that? It’s a feather in your cap, sure, but what happens when you lay an egg at a Rose Ceremony? Okay, I’m done.
~ Model J doesn’t want to be interpreted as Mr. 007.
~ He’s sitting on a leather couch in nothing but his underwear, with his leg crossed like he’s a guest on a talk show.
~ Are there no Italians in the group? Why is no one racing over to put plastic on the couch?
~ I think Jordan is trying to have a million memes made after him with all these lines…
~ “I’m not just some guy with hair”. Get over yourself hunny, just stop Jordy.
~ Foghorn is now confronting Model J about the respectfulness of his appearance.
~ Model J wants to cluck him.
~ JORDAN JUST DID CHICKEN NOISES IN HIS ONE-ON-ONE INTERVIEW. I’m too good.
~ Did anyone else notice that Jason’s body language in the corner while Jordy & David are talking, is amazing? He clearly is trying not to laugh but ABC cut him out.
~ David the Chicken is fighting so hard to show that Model J was disrespectful. He says he wants Becca to see that he’s genuine.
~ “It’s called ingenuinity.” – Model J
~ If this were an English class…..
~ Becca and Connor sit down for another chat.
~ Connor is trying to show her that he’s a good, honest guy, but Becca doesn’t want to invest anything into this without doing her research.
~ She really wants to text Tia and stalk his Instagram, in other words.
~ Not sure why, but Connor is really growing on me this episode and it’s only the first cocktail party.
~ It’s time for the Rose Ceremony and Sir Chris of Harrison Manor greets her with a hug and she whispers in his ear, “You might’ve gotten away in the alley, but if it weren’t for those meddling kids, we would’ve captured you by now.” Or something like that.
~ Why is Jordan still wearing a blanket for the Rose Ceremony…put some clothes on.
~ Eddie from Friends aka Chris R. gets the first rose. Wait, is this the same Chris R. who was the drug dealer in The Room??
~ The detective from Twin Peaks gets the second rose.
~ John the Poet gets a rose.
~ New Moral Compass Clay gets a rose.
~ Man Bun Mike gets a rose.
~ Connor the Framethrower gets a rose.
~ Tarzan gets a rose.
~ Foghorn gets a rose.
~ Garrett gets a rose.
~ Nick gets a rose.
~ Ryan the Banjoist with no banjo, gets a rose.
~ Christon gets a rose.
~ Why is Jordan still talking? You are not an alpha, we get it you’re a model.
~ Model J gets a rose.
~ Lincoln the “cry guy” gets a rose.
~ It’s the final rose of the evening.
~ It goes to Colton. Obviously.
~ Alex didn’t get a rose and is crying outside. Poor guy just wants to be loved. Doesn’t everyone.
~ Alex crying is the saddest thing, you can tell he was there for the right reason and ABC was like: Nah, bye.
~ Trent and Rickey also went home.
~ Whoa, my Top 5 is still alive this week. We live to see another day!
Thanks again, Cass, for adding your insights and subtracting your ice cream!
Thanks for reading!