It’s time. The Bachelorette is back and so are my weekly viewing notes. If you’re new here, welcome! If you’re a returning reader, welcome back!
My friend Cass will also be providing her thoughts throughout this post!
Here’s an introduction from Cass:
Hello Bachelor Nation (I wanted to feel like Chris, it worked). Huge thank you to the amazing Paul for including me in this post, you are awesome! So let’s start by saying I printed a master list of the men and kept track, and took many notes on the fellas. But I think ABC somehow knows my type more than my own family and friends but who’s keeping track? Bring on the men! Cue the testosterone! And I dropped my spoonful of ice cream onto my bed…
Cass’ thoughts will be in bold, mine won’t be.
Let’s get started.
~ We start out with a flashback to Arie and Becca as a happy couple, before it all came crashing down on one innocent couch in January.
~ Let’s just start with a question: Why ABC – why did you have to show the whole breakup and what happened between Becca and Arie? Believe me, the whole world knows and I personally never liked him.
~ The entire opening sequence articulates how happy Becca is now. I almost wouldn’t believe it if it weren’t presented to me on TV.
~ Becca pulls up to the bachelor mansion and Jojo, Kaitlyn, and Rachel are waiting for her so they can begin her Bachelorette initiation.
~ There’s a pitcher of iced tea on the table with a bunch of sliced lemons in it. Who’s going to drink all that?
~ “We are gonna sage this house.” – Jojo
~ Get rid of that Arie energy and sage the damn place!
~ They rent this house for a few weeks from a family that lives in it throughout the year. I’m sure they’ll appreciate this.
~ “Let’s do the damn thing.”
~ I’m going to have a “Damn Counter” this episode. We’re at one.
~ Now we get some pre-packaged vignettes of some of the guys.
~ First up is Clay (30).
~ He’s an NFL player but says he doesn’t fit that stereotype.
~ Next up is Garrett (29) from Reno, Nevada. He’s a bit of a goofy character who likes to go fishing in shallow streams in the middle of winter.
~ Next up is Jordan (26). He is a professional model, who looks like he stepped out of a magazine that no one reads. Each strand of hair has a personal assistant.
~ He can picture himself with Becca on a couch, in sweats, with a tub of chocolates, and watching chick flicks.
~ I can picture him getting sent home.
~ Next up is Lincoln (26). He’s originally from Nigeria. Cue the old family photos!
~ Lincoln seems like a good guy, which means he will probably be the moral compass of the group.
~ Next up is Joe (31) from Chicago, and he owns a grocery store. Yes! I’m calling him, JOEY GROCERY. Done.
~ He’s winked at the camera twice already. Don’t ruin this Joe. That potential future date with you and her at a grocery store, and you pushing her in the cart, can disappear in the BLINK OF AN EYE.
~ Next up is Jean Blanc (31). He is a colognoisseur. That is the most difficult word I’ve ever typed.
~ He’s showing off his collection of colognes and says one smells like high school. Oh Jean Blanc, my man, high schools smell like Axe Body Spray and stray urine.
~ Colton (26) is next. He was born on Super Bowl Sunday and played for the San Diego Chargers, but had to walk away due to injuries.
~ His little cousin has Cystic Fibrosis and he started his own foundation to help children fighting the disease.
~ Ok, what’s he hiding?
~ Also, what’s with all the 26-year-olds on this show? I feel attacked.
~ Becca is in the limo on her way to the mansion to meet with the man of 1000 facial expressions, but only 3 lines of dialogue – the one, the only, the already fatigued, Chris Harrison!
~ In comes the first limo! Chris exits stage left, presumably to go nap.
~ Do the guys listen to pump up music in the limo?
~ Take me down to the bachelor mansion where the ground is wet and the girl is pretty…
~ Few notes before the horses (men) leave the stable (limo).
~ 1. If hokey music plays while someone meets Becca, they ain’t the one.
~ 2. The guys who try too hard to be a gentleman, aren’t actually a gentleman.
~ 3. If they’re wearing anything other than a complete suit, they intentionally made the wrong decision.
~ First out is Colton with two confetti cannons. Those little pieces of confetti are going to stick to that wet ground.
~ Colton seems adorable and sweet but dude clearly is low key douche, just saying.
~ Next is Grant (27). He goes in for a snug hug.
~ Next out is Clay. He tells her he’s caught a lot of passes in his day, but if he were to land her, she’d be the biggest catch of his life. Dude, she’s not an airplane. What are you landing? You don’t need cheesy one liners. Bounce back.
~ Clay’s an NFL player who has been traded a lot but he seems like a good fit for her.
~ Scent collector, Jean Blanc, is out next with a crooked bowtie. He just taught her a phrase in French. What ever could it mean?
~ “It means, let’s do the damn thing!”
~ Je m’appelle Bibliothèque. Bam, my name is library. Take that, Johnny Scents.
~ DAMN COUNTER: 3
~ “He smells so good.” – Becca
~ Next out is Connor (25). He gets down on one knee and shows her a ring and says, “Are you ready to do the damn thing?” She says she is ready to do the damn thing.
~ DAMN COUNTER: 5
~ Out next is Joey Grocery. He forgot what he wanted to say and said nothing at all. Didn’t even wear a tie.
~ Out next is John (28). He tells her his grandmother fell in love over night. Is he already angling for the fantasy suite?
~ John is so nerdy and adorable, I hope she keeps him around a while.
~ Up next is Leo (31). He’s a stuntman and looks like Tarzan. I’m going to call him Tarzan.
~ Leo is low key funny and ABC is keeping him around for the laughs.
~ Out next is male model, Jordan (26). He took a few seconds to gather himself before acknowledging her. Bad move.
~ Rickey is in a grey suit.
~ Alex shows up with a tie that he probably got from his father’s closet.
~ Out next is Nick (27). He’s dressed like a race car driver, but he isn’t one. TOO SOON, NICHOLAS. You have no chance. Retire the car.
~ Oh no. Mike comes out of the limo with a man bun AND a cardboard cutout of Arie. Do you want to lose?
~ Do not dress or bring cut-outs of someone’s ex as your first impression. Not cool Mike and Nick, not cool.
~ Nick and Mike should form a tag team called The Dominos because they’re going to fall pretty quickly.
~ Garrett pulls up in a minivan! Yes! I like this guy already.
~ Tarzan says there is a stench of competition in the air. He must be smelling Johnny Scents’ latest cologne – Eau de Locker Room.
~ In comes Blake on an Ox. He says his feelings are already as strong as an Ox. He pointed to the Ox while making the punchline. That wasn’t necessary.
~ I want my own personal Blake (if any of you know someone like this or know him, send him my way please) – I am serious about this.
~ Out comes Lincoln with a piece of cake! That is brilliant and sketchy.
~ Out next is Chase (27) and he says, “Throughout this process it’s all about the chase….”
~ I have now paused the show to hold my head in my hands.
~ That would be like if I went up to her and said, “I’m committed to this with Paul my heart.” I’d just get back in the limo and self-evict.
~ Out comes Darius (26). He does not look the same age as me.
~ Here comes yet another 26-year-old, Ryan. He is a banjoist, but didn’t come out of the limo with a banjo. What is this new found restraint from stupidity?
~ A former Harlem Globetrotter is there! Christon! You can bet your fanny pack there will be a basketball segment.
~ Out comes Wills (29) – a self-proclaimed “closet nerd”.
~ Jason (29) looks like the detective from Twin Peaks and teaches her a handshake.
~ Kamil (30) is a social media participant. Aren’t we all? He isn’t wearing socks and made a terrible first impression by telling her to meet him half way down the driveway.
~ Next guy out of the limo also isn’t wearing socks. Clearly an intense game of footsies went on in this limo.
~ Is the limo the new fantasy suite?
~ His name is Jake – he’s an acquaintance of Becca.
~ Way to forget to tell the guys that no socks is so not a fashion statement or a good first impression, ABC (just no)!
~ A hearse has pulled up! Is it…could it be…ba gawd it is! It’s The Undertaker! What is he doing here? The Undertaker is wrecking havoc! Oh no, he just stepped on a piece of confetti. Ba Gawd!
~ Sorry, got carried away.
~ “Becca, when I heard you were the bachelorette, I literally died.” – Trent
~ PUT HIM BACK IN THE HEARSE.
~ Inside the house, Jordan the Model is still talking about what he’s wearing.
~ Jordan needs to shut up and get his model booty home, just bye.
~ “First off, put some socks on, okay.” – Jordan
~ Jordan is on the wrong show. Is What Not To Wear still a thing on TLC?
~ A guy in a chicken costume has come out of the limo. His name is David.
~ “BEC-CAW. BEC-CAW. BEC-CAW.”
~ Strong strategy by David. There’s no way Becca will send him home tonight.
~ Chris (30) has brought some friends with him. It’s a 12-person choir. How did they all fit in the limo? Do they still have their socks on?
~ And that’s it. Becca has apparently met all 28 men, 12 choir members, and an Ox. What a selection.
~ There is a hell of a lot of testosterone and athletes…this is going to be one aggressive season.
~ Becca goes in the house.
~ Connor swoops in and takes her away first.
~ Connor is sneaky (see ya).
~ Clay brings her to play with clay. I get it! Because his name is Clay!
~ Clay is a good guy. The sniffle in the middle of his sentences is straight out of a locker room media scrum.
~ Former Globetrotter, Christon, takes her out front to play basketball. He has her hold the ball above her head as he dunks over her.
~ An impromptu basketball game has broken out. Shirts vs. Shirts.
~ They’ll regret this in two minutes when they’re sweating and Johnny Scents comes up to them with a briefcase of colognes to “solve their perspiration problem”.
~ “Let’s do the damn thing.”
~ DAMN COUNTER: 6
~ Joey Grocery says he used to sell watermelons in grocery stores and that’s how he got in the business.
~ If Blake were wearing a tan coat, he’d look like Rick Astley. But he isn’t, so he looks like Johnny Manziel.
~ In walks Chris Harrison and we get our first “Fellas” out of him this season. He drops off a first impression rose and goes back to his nap.
~ David the Chicken has taken his head off and he’s not running around wildly. Myth busted.
~ “I’m a lucky bird and Becca’s a cool chick.”
~ There is a feud brewing between Jordan the Model and David the Chicken. David almost got feathers in Jordan’s coffee.
~ I enjoy this level of pettiness.
~ Just go home, Jordan (I will keep saying this till he actually leaves).
~ I’m going to refer to Jordan as Model J. Like the Ford Model T, but Model J. Any objections? Good.
~ Garrett is teaching her how to fish at the backyard pool.
~ Garrett kinda reminds me of me, except he has a gleeful look on his face 24/7.
~ A storm is a comin’. Chris claims Chase isn’t there for the right reasons, as per a text from a girl named Danielle, and is about to expose him.
~ Chase denies the allegations and says he’s been watching this show with his mom since he was 20. He’s now 27.
~ Chase goes straight to Becca to tell her he’s there for her. I thought this show was about the chase? Is it now about the drama?
~ Becca is now holding court between Chase and Chris.
~ Guy drama is awkward.
~ “Can I hold your hands.” – Chase.
~ Becca is now talking to her acquaintance from Minnesota – Mr. No Socks, Jake.
~ “I appreciate you coming here.” – Becca
~ The five words of death, right there.
~ He’s not getting the message.
~ “I’ve had a very transformative year.” – Jake
~ IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.
~ Now he says that if they both walked into a bar in Minneapolis tomorrow, things would end up differently between them.
~ Would they? Takes two to box step, pal. She said no; leave.
~ Becca does not mess around (you go girl).
~ And then there were 27.
~ The detective from Twin Peaks is now talking to her…andddd their conversation is over.
~ Wills has a Harry Potter tattoo on his arm. You can’t be a closet nerd if you wear it on your sleeve…
~ The guys are stressing over the first impression rose but Lincoln, the moral compass, talks things out logically.
~ She grabs the first impression rose and pulls Garrett away. Well deserved.
~ He gets the first kiss.
~ Who you kiss first is usually who you have the strongest connection with and she clearly likes Garrett (he’ll be here for a while, who knew a minivan could make such an impact).
~ In walks Chris Harrison to take Becca away from the guys.
~ ROSE CEREMONY TIME
~ Moral Compass, Lincoln, gets the first rose.
~ Blake Astley Manziel gets the second rose.
~ Rickey in the grey suit gets the third rose.
~ Fourth rose goes to Jean Blanc aka Johnny Scents.
~ The fifth rose goes to former Globetrotter, Christon.
~ Clay with the clay gets the sixth rose.
~ Seventh rose goes to closet nerd, Wills.
~ Quick draw Connor gets the eighth rose.
~ The ninth rose goes to the Twin Peaks detective, Jason.
~ John, the guy who’s grandmother fell in love over night, gets rose number ten.
~ Ryan, the banjoist without a banjo, gets the eleventh rose.
~ Father’s tie wearer, Alex, gets the twelfth rose.
~ Fake race car driver, Nick, gets rose number thirteen.
~ The Undertaker, Trent, gets rose number fourteen.
~ Charitable Colton gets the fifteenth rose.
~ David the Chicken gets the sixteenth rose from BEC-CAW.
~ Model J gets the seventeenth rose.
~ Tarzan gets the eighteenth rose.
~ Man Bun Mike gets the penultimate rose.
~ The final rose goes to the bearer of bad news, Chris.
~ Going home are: Chase, Kumil the social media participant, Joey Grocery and a few others.
~ NOT JOEY GROCERY!
~ “I am so damn excited.”
~ DAMN COUNTER: 7
~ I’m disappointed about Joey Grocery. A few years ago on Juan Pablo’s season, he sent a girl named Alexis home on the first night. I tweeted out that he should’ve kept her and by some act of Twitter God, she liked my tweet. Didn’t even tag her in it. I felt special AND STILL DO OKAY.
Cass’ Top Five
– Blake (#1 in my heart)
Paul’s Top Five
– Joey Grocery (I’ll keep him alive in these notes).
Thank you for reading! Thank you to Cass for adding your unique commentary to this, much appreciated!
I’m tired. See ya next Tuesday!