Fantasy Sports and Me

There’s a phrase out there that goes like this: “No one cares about your fantasy team.” A quick search of it on Twitter will result in numerous tweets from holier-than-thou citizens, some of which like to capitalize “NO ONE”, to let us know that they’re yelling those words out…as they stare at their screen with a blank expression.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for making bold proclamations against nonsensical things, like memes.

My problem with memes is it’s like telling me the chicken crossed the road to get to the other side, every single time I have to pretend like I’m unable to answer the question, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Memes are butchered to death and people use them as a crutch because they can’t think of anything original on their own. ThereISaidItAhhhh.

Sorry. Pardon me. I don’t know how that paragraph snuck out of my “Do Not Publish Or Else People Won’t Like You” folder. Bad paragraph. Bad.

Back to fantasy sports.

I, for one, am realizing I’m a bit of a contrarian. Not on purpose. People just don’t agree with me that Nutella looks disgusting. Bam, shots fired.

But when it comes to fantasy sports, I actually care about other people’s teams, especially if they’re in my league. I don’t know why people pretend they’re too cool for school when it comes to talking about it.

People can reply to tweets from celebrities all day, but talking about my fantasy team is off limits? Get out of here.

So without any further adieu poking of bears (Sorry, the Leafs are facing the Bruins, I’m in a bear poking mood for the next two weeks), here is my commentary on my fantasy teams.

Fantasy Hockey

Last week, my fantasy hockey league ended and I won my second championship in as many years, and fifth in seven. I am a dynasty. I am the New England Patriots. Bow down and kiss my feet, while I record footage of your team practice.

That was a niche joke.

My team this year was named, “I Doughty That”. I think of myself as a punny person, but when it comes to naming fantasy teams, I am a splatter of soup on the wall of a microwave.

“A splatter of soup on the wall of a microwave” is Paul-speak for “A fish out of water”. I can’t just use the well-known idiom. I have to make it complicated.

So yeah, “I Doughty That” isn’t the best. Actually, plot twist, I think my sister gave me that name.

Alright, full disclosure. We’ve been saying “I Doughty that” around the house for years, so when she mentioned it as a name I could use, I ran with it. There.

Last year, my team was called, “Two and a Half Benn”. That one was all me.

The league has changed over the years, but the original 10 teams were all associated with the greatest university residence floor in history. Since then, teams have dropped out, siblings and/or friends have been added, and we have 8 teams.

We’re looking to expand into Seattle within the next two years.

Again, niche joke.

For most of the year, I didn’t think my team was good enough to win. Injuries to some of my top players hurt me. My three goalies were all eventually dropped. It was a mess.

We did the Head-to-Head format. Last year, I only lost once, in about 23 weeks. This year, I only had 2 wins after 7 weeks, but I also had 3 ties. THREE TIES.

My first loss was against my sister. I’m not knocking her because she knows her hockey, but I taught her all the little tricks to winning a matchup and she used them all against me.

I don’t like losing. I don’t know if you can tell.

You play to win the game.

In the end, I won. I go for the three-peat next season.

Fantasy Basketball

I won that too, for the second year in a row, and third time in seven years.

There’s not much to talk about, since most of the teams didn’t try at all. My undefeated Head-to-Head record will attest to that. That almost worked against me in the finals because I wasn’t used to having to pick up players every day. I was out of practice and didn’t know what my team needed.

Nevertheless, I won. It wasn’t as fun as hockey, though.

Oh, my team name was the Horford Whalers. Again, my sister came up with it.

Yeah, that league might fold. We’ll see.

Now onto fantasy baseball.

Fantasy Baseball

I was in a 12-team fantasy baseball league last year for the first time and ended up winning it. If you’re keeping track, I’ve won 5 fantasy leagues in a row.

Listen, I’m the most humble person you’ll meet in real life. But give me a keyboard, and my fingers will type up words that make it look like I’m bragging a little too much. Just know it’s not me, it’s my fingers. I have no control. 

I got the sense that that league wasn’t going to make it to a second year, so I started thinking of making my own. Unfortunately, I came to the realization that I don’t know enough people who A) like baseball, and B) would want to play fantasy baseball.

But I knew bloggers who did! Hey Becky and Reid!

So in my head I was putting a league together before I even mentioned it to anyone. I had those two, plus me, plus my best friend, plus another friend, and maybe we each bring one more person in…that would be about 8-10.

We got 9 people, which I was happy with.

Where do I go from here….

Fantasy baseball isn’t a sprint. It isn’t a marathon, either. It is a triple marathon, with a 1000 metre mud pit in the middle, that seagulls flock to because someone threw bird seeds in it.

The standings fluctuate every day and the team in first place is never safe. It’s like the Tour de France. You tune in and see the leader in a breakaway group that is 7 minutes ahead of the peloton and then by the end of the race, he’s fallen back so far you don’t even remember what colour his helmet was, let alone his name.

My team is in third place, but my players frustrate me every five minutes. You’d think I’d know by now that baseball is a game built around failing the majority of the time. Nope.

“0 for 4 for the third game in a row? What are you doing?” – Inner thoughts

My offence is okay. My pitching is holding me back. On paper, they’re great. That’s where my frustration kicks in.

Jon “I have the yips and can’t throw to first base” Lester, Chris “I play for the Rays, what do you want me to do?” Archer, and Sonny “No shades of” Gray, triple-handedly blew up my ERA and WHIP. So now I’m scrambling to get those numbers down but it’s so hard.

I dropped Gray last week because I believe in sending passive aggressive messages to the rest of my fake collection of players.

Lester and Archer aren’t really names you drop in a fantasy league, so I’m forced to stick with them…for now. Dun dun dun.

But other than that, I think it’s going well. I hope the others are enjoying it, or at least enjoying the struggle of it.

It’s important to set mini goals for your team throughout the season, so they keep their eyes on the pri…I’ve lost my mind.

Fantasy Football?

A couple of weeks ago I was thinking of ways to test my fantasy sport dominance (Again, that’s the fingers talking, not me, not Humble Pie Paul). I’ve never done fantasy football, I’m not as familiar with the players as I was in 2004, and I haven’t been following the NFL as closely in recent years.

That being said, I think it would be fun to throw a league together later this year – one that is built around bloggers,

I’m just putting that out there. Plant a bird seed, if you will. If you’re interested, let me know. If you’re not interested, I’ll probably still pester you near the end of August if I think you might want to participate.

I’m done.

Basically, all you needed to know from this blog post was that I really like sports, stats, and friendly competition winning.

Feel free to share your fantasy sport frustrations, or triumphs, below. 

Bonus: I need to stop filling out NHL and NBA playoff brackets. I am awful at them because I mix what I want to happen with what I think will happen, which results in me picking the wrong team most of the time.