WrestleMania 34

Write about what you like, right?

A couple of years ago, I wrote about my love of professional wrestling, which you can read HERE, if you want.

I know that most of my readers won’t care about this, but that’s the beauty of blogging. You can learn about things you know nothing about and all you have to do is read.

Going forward, I hope to write about wrestling more often. I’ll do my best to explain things as I go, so everyone knows what I’m talking about. I took a course about wrestling in university, so I’m qualified.

If you’d like to explore the world of professional wrestling via the lens called my brain, I invite you in with opens arms. If you’ve already closed this window and are scrolling down your Reader looking for anything else, I hope your dinner falls on the floor tonight.

Sorry, that was too harsh. How about just dropping your fork on the floor, so you have to get up and get a new one? Nah, let’s stick with the whole dinner. They aren’t reading this anyway.

Last night, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) held WrestleMania 34, which was held at the Mercedes-Benz Superdome in New Orleans. The show was over seven hours long.

I think the easiest way for me to comment on it is to go match by match, in no particular order.

Brock Lesnar (c) vs. Roman Reigns (WWE Universal Championship)

We’ve known for a year that this match was coming. Not because the WWE announced it a year ago, but because it was obvious. Also because wrestling fans read the internet to quench our desire for inside information.

WWE has been trying to turn Reigns into the next big babyface (good guy) of the company for many years now. It hasn’t been working because the fans don’t like him. They will boo him out of the building, and they have.

Meanwhile, Brock Lesnar only shows up a few times a year. This could be its own blog post. It’s no wonder the WWE has been struggling to make new stars, when their champion is a part-timer who only shows up for big shows.

Anyway, Lesnar was apparently going back to the UFC and his WWE contract expired yesterday. (It was announced today that he was re-signed. Hopefully not for long, I can’t deal with this anymore). So everyone expected Reigns to win.

Roman Reigns didn’t win.

Lesnar has had the championship since WrestleMania 33 and I’m tired of it. Just move on to someone else. Give it to someone who’s there every week. Give it to someone who needs it.

Kurt Angle & Ronda Rousey vs. Triple H & Stephanie McMahon

I am all aboard the Ronda Rousey hype train. I don’t think anyone was expecting much from her last night in her first match. Dare I say she looked incredible in the ring? Couldn’t even tell she’d never had a match before.

I could see her and Charlotte Flair in the main event of WrestleMania as early as next year.

Braun Strowman & Mystery Partner vs. Sheamus & Cesaro (c) (RAW Tag Team Championship)

I’ve never really been a fan of Sheamus and Cesaro, as a tag team, or on their own.

Braun Strowman has been busy flipping ambulances on their side for the past year, as he’s been built up as a monster. The fans like him. I like him. He’s subtly hilarious.

Alright, so the whole thing around this match was that Strowman needed a partner. Wrestling fans expected the partner to be a big name returning.

Nope.

Strowman scanned the crowd, picked out a shy 10-year-old boy named Nicholas, and brought him into the ring. Strowman went on to win the match on his own, thus making Nicholas one half of the RAW Tag Team Champions.

Normally, I’d be all for a story like this, but I found the whole thing to be extremely hokey.

Apparently, Nicholas is the son of one of the WWE referees. How long could this storyline possibly last? Never mind the fact that the kid can’t wrestle, he has school.

HE HAS SCHOOL.

Part of me is hoping the Authors of Pain (a monstrous tag team) get called up from NXT (the minor league of WWE) tonight and win the championships from them. Unless the WWE plans to have a different kid in each city step up and be Strowman’s partner…

I hope not.

AJ Styles (c) vs. Shinsuke Nakamura (WWE Championship)

This was supposed to be a dream match, but by all accounts, it didn’t live up to the hype. I figured it wouldn’t. These two would’ve needed about 40 minutes to have a legendary match. They had 20 minutes.

Styles won the match and afterwards, Nakamura hit Styles with a low blow, officially turning heel (bad guy).

I was happy with that. Nakamura hasn’t done much since coming to the main roster, maybe this will give him a push.

The Undertaker vs. John Cena

The whole build up for this match was Cena coming out on TV every week to challenge The Undertaker, without ever getting a response. So Cena attended WrestleMania as a fan, until he got word from a referee that the match was happening, so he ran like a cartoon character to the back to prepare.

The Undertaker won in just under three minutes, in what was a glorified squash match. A squash match is a match that is one-sided and ends quickly.

Ten years ago, this match would’ve been half an hour and the best match of the night.

Nia Jax vs. Alexa Bliss (c) (RAW Women’s Championship)

Ah, the good old “former best friends turned rivals” storyline.

Alexa Bliss is a great heel. She’s five feet tall but talks as if she’s eight feet tall. I’m a fan.

Nia Jax deservedly won her first championship last night and at this point, she will probably hold onto it for most of the year, while spreading her “Not like most girls” message to the youth.

Daniel Bryan & Shane McMahon vs. Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn

Daniel Bryan and Shane McMahon are the General Manager and Commissioner, respectively, of SmackDown Live. Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn are two best friends that don’t like authority and beat up their bosses.

Owens and Zayn were then fired.

But wait, after three years of retirement due to concussion issues, Daniel Bryan was finally cleared by WWE doctors to wrestle again! Every wrestling fan was/is thrilled about this.

So when that happened, this match was made. If Owens and Zayn won, they would be reinstated. If they lost, they’d stay fired.

Owens and Zayn lost, which means they are “fired”. Which really means, they’ll end up on Monday Night RAW in the coming weeks.

I’m okay if Shane McMahon never wrestles again. He’s more of a stunt man. But now that he’s older, it just doesn’t work. His match against Kurt Angle from King of the Ring 2001 will always be a favourite of mine to watch on YouTube, as are the rest of his stunts, but it’s time to call it quits on the wrestling, Shane.

As for Owens and Zayn, I just want them to get a championship and keep it forever. They’re great.

The Bludgeon Brothers vs. The Usos (c) vs. The New Day (SmackDown Tag Team Championship) 

It still baffles me how in the PG era of WWE, a tag team can be called “The Bludgeon Brothers” and walk to the ring with mallets.

But anyway, that’s wrestling!

I think The Usos have been in the WWE for nine years and this is the first time they were on the main card at WrestleMania. It’s long overdue. They’ve been really, really good the last couple of years.

The New Day are a comedic trio, who love unicorns and pancakes. Again, that’s wrestling!

I’d love to see The New Day split up, or at the very least, let Big E go after a championship that he doesn’t need a partner for.

Oh, The Bludgeon Brothers won.

Jinder Mahal vs. Randy Orton (c) vs. Bobby Roode vs. Rusev (United States Champion)

Let me put this into context. Jinder Mahal is the worst team in any professional sports league, but ends up winning the championship. That’s him. That’s what he was, at least.

Last year, they made him WWE Champion after years and years of him not doing anything except losing matches, and not even in an entertaining way.

The idea was that his title run would help the WWE expand into India.

No one took him seriously as WWE Champion and we had to endure many months of it until he finally lost the title.

But at WrestleMania, he won the United States Championship. I don’t think anyone saw this coming. The guy with all the momentum was Rusev, who has proclaimed that every day is Rusev Day. The crowd was begging for it. Nope. Another Mahal title run.

I don’t even know if people dislike him because he’s a really good heel, or if we just want him to go away. Probably the latter, which isn’t good.

You can’t hinder, Jinder.

Charlotte Flair vs. Asuka (SmackDown Women’s Championship)

Asuka hasn’t lost a match since coming over to the WWE from Japan, which is over two years. That includes her time in NXT. Asuka won the first ever women’s Royal Rumble which gave her the right to choose between Charlotte Flair or Alexa Bliss for a championship match at WrestleMania.

She chose Charlotte – the daughter of Ric Flair.

No one saw it coming, but Charlotte won. She beat the streak! After all that buildup! Asuka didn’t even get a championship out of it.

For context: Four years ago, WrestleMania was held in the same stadium in New Orleans. The Undertaker had been undefeated at WrestleMania, going 21-0, until that year when Brock Lesnar beat him and broke the streak.

Everyone was stunned.

So I guess it makes sense that Charlotte won. She is the best female wrestler in the world and New Orleans is the place where streaks die.

But man, now what does Asuka do?

Seth Rollins vs. The Miz (c) vs. Finn Balor (Intercontinental Championship)

All three of these guys should be fighting for the Universal Championship, but Lesnar has that thing on lockdown, so they’re forced to battle it out for a secondary championship.

The Miz is great. He’s been a heel for his entire WWE career because he just has a face that’s easy to dislike. Lately, he’s been a bit more likeable, and he just became a Dad about 10 days ago, so everything is sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows with him.

Seth Rollins won this match. He’s been stealing the show lately and, in my mind, should always have a championship belt around his waist.

Finn Balor needs something. He just needs something.

Well, those are my thoughts. This post could’ve gone on for about 5000 words, but I would’ve lost myself, let alone all of you.

If you read this until the very end, I appreciate you. I hope to write about wrestling more often, even if it’s just prediction posts for upcoming events.

Thanks for reading, I hope you learned something new!