Passing Notes To Catherine

Hey Catherine!

I’m just going to call you Blend from here on out, like I normally do.

I like that we can call each other “Blend” and no one knows what it means. They may think that they know, but they’re wrong. They’ll always be wrong. Muahaha.

Alright.

The other day, when I announced my retirement from writing letters, you told me that you were going to request one. And then I told you that I wanted to write you one, but was waiting for you to request one.

And then I retired without a letter going out to you because neither of us can communicate even though we’ve been friends since…I want to say around July of last year?…and should’ve been comfortable enough to just lay down the law. But we didn’t.

I felt guilty about this. I hate letting people down. And I hate not saying something when I know I should have.

So that brings me to this. My way of making it up to you.

I’m not writing you a letter. I can’t come out of retirement this soon. My readers won’t take me seriously and we both know, every word I say is to be taken with absolutely zero grains of salt.

This isn’t a letter. It’s something else. It’s me passing notes to you, kinda like kids do in school. Except your school is in Scotland and mine is in Canada, and neither of us are in school, so it’s not like that at all, but it sort of is.

JUST GO WITH IT, BLEND.

Sorry for yelling, but you’re just so far away I need to make sure you hear m…I’ll stop being an idiot now.

Are you ready? I don’t know if I am because I’m making this up on the fly. Anyway, here we go.

Note #1
Hey, who wins in a race? A monkey on a bicycle or me on a pogo stick?

Note #2
Pretty boring class, huh? History, history, history. You’d think they’d tell Herstory by now.

Note #3
In five minutes, I’m going to start singing “In The Jungle” from The Lion King, and I need you to join in. You’ll know when. Get ready.

Note #4A
I’m getting hungry, Blend. Next time you go to China for Chinese New Year, let me know so I can come along and also hop from food establishment to food establishment. I saw –>

Note #4B
Oh good, you knew to flip the note over. Anyway, I saw your food photos. I think I was drooling, but it could’ve been raining indoors. How am I to know?

Note #5
Do you smell that?

Note #6
Can I borrow your pencil sharpener?

Note #7
Listen, I can explain. I was using your pencil sharpener and then it jumped out of my hand and fell on the ground and I used my foot to drag it back to me, but it broke beneath my weight. I am Bigfoot? sorry.

Note #8
Are we still on for the song?

Note #9
Blend, turn around.

Note #10
BLEND

Note #11
Psssssssttt. Blend. Look over here! Yoo-hoo! Blend! Don’t make me throw oxygen at you! I’ll wave my arms. I’ll do it!

Note #12
T-45 seconds until the song. Join me.

Me, Out Loud
A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh
A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh
A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh
A-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh, a-weema-weh

Note #13
Well, I got kicked out of class. You never chimed in.

Note #14
The hallway smells like sunshine, broken shoelaces, and a recycling program that no one abides by. Is that what I smelled when I sent Note #5?

Note #15
IT WAS JUST A PENCIL SHARPENER!

Note #16
I’m staring out the window and there are two cats running laps around someone’s car. Either one cat is chasing the other, or wait…I’ll get back to you.

Note #17
Okay. It was just two plastic bags blowing in the wind. I left my glasses in the classroom.

Note #18
Someone just asked me for directions. I told them to hang a right at the lockers and hold a left at the washroom.

Note #19
GET IT? Because you hang things in a locker and hold your breath in the washroom. Ha! I gave them the wrong directions just to make a joke.

Note #20A
If it makes you feel any better, the bottom of my foot is itchy, but if I take off my shoe to scratch my foot and someone sees me doing that in the middle of the hall…

Note #20B
…they’d think something is afoot, make me feel weird, and then my confidence for scratching my foot in public would be crushed.

Note #21
AFOOT. MY FOOT. SHARPENER. CRUSHED. IT ALL CONNECTS. FORGIVE ME.

A voice, off in the distance, coming from the classroom
In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight….

The End.

I have no idea what I just wrote, but I hope you enjoyed it!

Again, I’m sorry I didn’t write you a letter. Hopefully, this (whatever this was) begins to make up for it.

You’re a great person and an okay friend. Relax, I’m kidding! You’re an okay person, as well.

Why am I so mean? Don’t listen to me.

If you’re not laughing by now, I’ve made some terrible misjudgments on how my sarcasm would come across.

But really, thanks for being a friend. I appreciate it.

Anyways, I’m going to quit while I’m ahead…or should I say AFOOT???

See ya, Blend!

P.S. I was banking on the fact that you knew which song I was talking about. If not, this entire post is an unmitigated disaster.

About Paul

I think of my blog as an all-you-can-read buffet. There's something for everyone and complimentary mints at the door as you leave.
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14 Responses to Passing Notes To Catherine

  1. Paul, this was so good even I wished I’d gotten a note. Blend, you’re so lucky. While the rest of us had to settle for letters you were blessed with Paul passing you notes—while in class too! Oh, the thrill, to live on the edge of danger, not knowing if the next note you receive from Paul might not be your last because of the teacher catching you in the act and sending you off to the office. You might think that not getting a letter instead of passing notes would be more gratifying, but let me tell you, there’s nothing like receiving notes from Paul while in class. One minute you’re being passed a note scribbled only on a piece of scratch paper and the next you know, Paul is passing you the entire musical score to The Lion King! Psst, rumour has it that most people he’s past notes to, have only gotten his rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star…and then only etched out on the back of a brown paper bag—never written out on the much higher quality Velky Losiny Handmade paper which most of us note receivers are accustomed to. At least it sounds like you didn’t get one of his hastily written notes written in his native Canadian tongue. Very difficult to translate—especially under the pizza stains! Blen, we all envy you. 😀

    Liked by 4 people

    • Paul says:

      Hahahaha for the last time, the pizza stains weren’t my fault! I don’t know how you do this, Paul, or how you knew about my previous notes about Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. You’re quite the investigator. I’d like to pass more note but I’m afraid my cover has been blown. The teachers expect it. I can’t possibly continue.

      Like

      • Sure, sure and next you’ll be telling us Paulo had you on his show to assist him in making the perfect pizza when this food fight broke out between all the contestants—featuring employees from Papa Johns, Round Table, and Little Caesars—none of whom know how to make a perfect pizza, because our beloved host only had them on to expose their less than fresh ingredients. And as for how I knew about your notes on Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, I accidentally found them in CliffsNotes—and he was cheating! I’m so sorry my investigation ended such a promising career in note-passing, but when you eliminate the impossible (to understand CliffsNotes) all that remains must be the notes—more specifically, your notes. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

      • Paul says:

        I never trust Cliff. He always seemed to be on edge!

        Like

  2. And Catherine, each of his notes arrives suitable for framing—so don’t let Paul off the hook—ask for the solid gold frames engraved with the Canadian Maple Leaf made from real rubies. Yes, I know the frame will never be as valuable as the kleenex he wrote the notes on, but no point in missing out on the (no extra charge) fringes.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Blend, I friggen love this! It had me in stitched on the way home from the gym hahaha!
    IN THE JUNGLE, THE MIGHTY JUNGLE, THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT!
    I wish the notes I actually received in class during school were like this… I am going to print them out and stick them somewhere funky!
    Keep being awesome, I’ll send you some haggis from Scotland!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Paul says:

      Hahah I’m so happy this made you laugh! I don’t know what made me think of that song, but it was perfect. You should tape the quotes to a mirror and see how others react lol. OR just start singing in public or at dinner or something!

      Like

  4. Jad says:

    Hahahaha I almost laughed out loud but I was drinking coffee while reading this and was careful not to spray all over my computer screen but if I was not drinking coffee rest assured I would have laughed out loud!!!
    Another fine letter…..note!! I mean NOTE!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Ely says:

    Lol! This was pretty great. I think it’s just as thoughtful as a letter. Funnier even! But stand your ground Paul! No more letter or notes to replace them! You’re gonna have to let go if you ever want peace! Lol! Also, can I have some notes??
    JUST KIDDDDING!

    Liked by 1 person

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