This is the show that never ends. It goes on and on my friends. Some people started dating not knowing what it was, and then they kept on dating forever just because it’s the show that never ends, it goes on and on my friends. Becca got engaged not knowing what it was, and then Arie left her forever just because it’s the show that never ends, it goes on, and on, and on, and on, don’t stop believing, hold on to the feeling, streetlights, 29 peopleeeeee.
You get the drift.
~ Chris Harrison walks out to a standing ovation in front of an audience that is probably hiding fruit under their seats, so they can throw it at Arie later.
~ Chris says he didn’t get much sleep last night. Yeah, and my name is Philberto. Come on, man. The season is over. Drop the theatrics.
~ “Well, we will be seeing another wedding proposal tonight. Could that happen tonight? Stranger things have happened.” – Chris H.
~ Well knock me over and bounce me like a basketball, did he just let a spoiler slip? Maybe he didn’t sleep last night.
~ We go into an extra long recap of last night’s episode, so Chris can go scream in a washroom stall.
~ The camera crew followed Becca all the way to the airport and onto the plane?
~ Arie seeks out Jason for advice on how to navigate these charted waters.
~ “I broke her heart and now I really want to marry Lauren.” – Arie
~ YOU WHAT?
~ I thought you just wanted to date her, but you want to marry her now?
~ Oh my God, he drove to her house! What is happening!?
~ This is an ambush.
~ Meanwhile, we have footage of Becca returning home to Minneapolis to look through old photos. Why can’t they just leave her alone?
~ Let her find a breakup song and read her journals in peace.
~ Back to Arie outside of Lauren’s house.
~ She opens the door and hugs him right away. Is this a heel turn?
~ Arie tells us he made a mistake and wants to make it up to Lauren every day.
~ Hmm when he proposed to Becca he told her he would choose her every day.
~ Can we get a definition of what “every day” means to Arie?
~ Arie and Lauren have been talking on a couch for a few minutes about stuff that is too boring to document.
~ Arie tells her that proposing to Becca was a safe decision.
~ Lauren forgives him. Well that’s cool.
~ “I want you back.” – Arie
~ “Well you got me.” – Lauren
~ Lauren tells him she hopes it doesn’t take much longer for an engagement.
~ Chris now has Bekah, Caroline, Tia, Seinne, and Kendall to weigh in on all this.
~ Do we need this? They’re just there to boost their profiles and become social media influencers.
~ “We love Lauren.”
~ They just hate her future fiancé.
~ Bekah has an “argumentative teenager” attitude about her tonight. Always looking for the dramatic statement.
~ Kendall said she’s glad they filmed the breakup so she could see how strong Becca was.
~ Hahahaha what producer told her to say that?
~ A month and a half after the season ended, Arie contacted Lauren on New Year’s Eve.
~ Bekah says she hopes Lauren gets out of the relationship as soon as possible.
~ Next season, I should set up a camera to film my facial reactions as I watch the show and put a time lapse together.
~ These women want Becca to get a second chance.
~ Bekah now says Lauren doesn’t deserve any hate out of this. But she just said she wanted Lauren to get out of the relationship. Do you want her to be happy, or not?
~ My brain hurts.
~ Becca is now joining Chris on stage in his circle of candles. I hope she asks him why he didn’t tell Arie to not film the breakup.
~ Chris says a lot of people took exception to what the show aired last night and asked Becca’s opinion.
~ I’ll bet you $45 and your left sock that she doesn’t say a bad thing about her breakup being filmed.
~ She says that watching it back helps her get closure.
~ Oh great, the show is off the hook for that stupidity. Of course they are.
~ “I signed up for this knowing it was a show and my life would be documented.” – Becca
~ Did she read that off a teleprompter or a legally binding contract?
~ Becca says a lot of stuff.
~ Chris says she’s been getting a lot of support.
~ “Bachelor Nation” has started a fund for Becca that is up to $6000.
~ She’s going to donate it to Stand Up To Cancer and the show will match it.
~ These two are in cahoots. She’s the next bachelorette, it’s obvious at this point.
~ They’re about to bring Arie out to talk with Becca.
~ I’ll bet you $55 and your right sock that he gets booed.
~ He gets a mild golf clap and two people in the back row gave him a thumbs down. I’ll take that as booing. I win the bet.
~ Arie says he did the breakup the way he did, to show everyone that it was his fault.
~ Well, no kidding.
~ If it weren’t filmed and we found out Arie went back to Lauren, we’re not going to sit here and say, “It was Becca’s fault!”
~ Arie felt emptiness when they returned from Peru. He was mourning his relationship with Lauren.
~ Arie says there’s nothing normal about going through an intense breakup and then a proposal right after.
~ DING DING DING. HE FINALLY UNDERSTANDS THIS SHOW.
~ Meanwhile, Kendall is crying on Bekah’s shoulder in the audience.
~ Chris Harrison, with another leading question, asks if Becca is ready to move on from this.
~ She confirms that she is.
~ Chris H. is navigating tonight’s show like a race car driver. I’m impressed.
~ Within an hour, he’s taken the narrative from “Becca is devastated” to “Becca is loved by the fans” to “Becca is ready to move on”. Stay tuned for “Becca is the bachelorette”, coming later in the show.
~ Didn’t they break up about a month ago?
~ Arie said he proposed because of the pressure of being the bachelor.
~ I called that since one of the first episodes. He wanted an engagement so badly, regardless if it was the right time for it or not.
~ Arie says he needed more time but he didn’t have more time.
~ Becca forgives him.
~ That’s just dandy.
~ Back from the break, we have Jason and Molly, who did the same thing as Arie and Lauren are about to do, but in a more private way.
~ They’re bringing them out now, so when they bring out Lauren, people don’t hate her.
~ Jason and Molly are the primer for this paint job.
~ Chris says he’s been getting threats, along with Arie.
~ Jason says he wishes everyone could meet Arie since he’s a nice person.
~ “This show can really mess somebody up.” – Jason
~ Comment below if this show has messed you up.
~ 100 former contestants scream from their living room, “I turned into a social media savant and now all I have to do is take pictures of myself for a living!”
~ Arie says he was with Lauren last night and didn’t watch the show, but read social media.
~ Wait, so Lauren hasn’t seen that unedited breakup? Oh, he’s smooth.
~ Arie says he did this to find someone and have his fairytale ending. Pretty sure I said that in my notes yesterday.
~ Out comes Lauren to a bigger applause than Arie, but a lesser applause than Becca.
~ Chris asks Lauren what happened the last day in Peru.
~ “I mean, you guys all watched it.” – Lauren
~ Hahahahaha shut down.
~ Chris asks her when and how Arie reached out to her. Is he trying to corroborate stories? Why is he in detective mode?
~ She says production couldn’t give Arie her phone number so he reached out through Instagram.
~ Ahhh that’s what Chris was getting at. He wanted to make it clear that the show had nothing to do with them communicating.
~ Man, Mr. Harrison is a magician tonight! Somebody give him a sorting hat.
~ “I’ve never been more in love with him.” – Lauren
~ Arie thinks this has made their love stronger.
~ Chris asks Lauren what she loves about Arie.
~ “I think he’s great.”
~ We pause these Viewing Notes so Paul can laugh hysterically for 10 minutes.
~ Whew, that was wonderful.
~ Lauren says Arie couldn’t have gone about this in a more respectful way.
~ Yeah, she definitely hasn’t seen the breakup video yet.
~ Chris asks Arie what he wants to say to the haterz.
~ “It doesn’t matter. She’s sitting next to me. I have her heart and she has my heart.”
~ Arie says they’re going on a vacation out of the country and then Lauren is going to move to Arizona.
~ Chris says he’s happy for both of them. Ha, no he’s not!
~ Oh no. Arie is about to propose. OH NO.
~ DON’T DO IT.
~ In front of a studio audience, while a bunch of your ex-girlfriends are in attendance?
~ “Lauren Elizabeth Burnham, will you marry me.”
~ HE READ MY VIEWING NOTES!
~ I called his proposal to Becca half-assed because he didn’t say her full name.
~ It’s good to see my words have an impact on people.
~ Did the show pay for her ring? Is that why Arie proposed? Because if he waited, he’d have to buy his own engagement ring?
~ I’ve sniffed this out.
~ “Congratulations. I did not see that coming.” – Chris
~ Yes you did, Chris E.S.P. Harrison! You let it slip at the start of the show AND you “gave Arie the floor” knowing he was going to do it.
~ Now Chris informs them they’ll be on Jimmy Kimmel Live later tonight and Good Morning America tomorrow morning.
~ That was fast, for a guy who didn’t know a proposal was about to happen within his sacred circle of candles.
~ Mr. Chris (I’m running out of ways to address him) keeps saying people will have a lot of questions for Arie and Lauren.
~ No, we don’t.
~ What do we need to know?
~ It’s pretty clear what happened.
~ We’re going to meet the new bachelorette after the break.
~ Oh look, Becca is the new bachelorette.
~ Bekah is in the crowd jumping up and down like an 8-year-old at a carnival.
~ Why would you want your friend to go through this whole experience again?
~ The crowd is going wild. This is madness. These people are crazy.
~ Chrispy Cream says this has been one of the easier decisions the show has made, seeing all the support she’s gotten, and how she’s been able to move on SO QUICKLY.
~ “The show is about finding love, that’s all I want to do.” – Becca
~ Chris says he’s glad she trusts the show, and him, enough to help her find the love of her life.
~ JUST LIKE YOU HELPED ARIE, RIGHT?
~ Harrison Chris asks her if she’s a love at first sight person.
~ She starts to say no, before realizing Chris is probably going to surprise her with some contestants right now, so she says, “You never know.”
~ I trust nothing about this show, except the fact that no one eats dinner on their dates.
~ Bekah is in the crowd holding onto Kendall and Seinne for dear life.
~ Chris calls the women up to the stage to sit with Becca.
~ This is all so hokey.
~ Oh look, some contestants are there and are coming out to meet Becca right now.
~ The art department turned the set into the outside of Harrison Manor right before our eyes, yet they’re still going to commercial. Oh, the theatrics.
~ The first man out is a guy named Lincoln. “Like the President.” Did he think she’d mistake him for the band? He has a British accent and is wearing a bow tie.
~ The girls in the audience are holding each other.
~ This guy is talking too much and has just been disqualified for saying “journey”.
~ He’s still talking! Pumping her up as the new bachelorette.
~ He said “journey” again. He’ll now be fined, since he’s a repeat offender.
~ Second guy out introduces himself as Chase Ferguson, probably so people can go find him on social media. A bit early to be deploying his exit strategy, but okay.
~ Chase says, “When one door closes, another door opens.” Did he not see Arie try to get into a locked car last night?
~ The first two guys have said more original words in the last three minutes than Arie said in two months.
~ The third guy (Ryan) is coming out with a banjo and a bow tie.
~ If this is any indication of how The Bachelorette is going to go, I’m going to have a lot of material for these viewing notes.
~ He keeps it short and sweet.
~ Out next comes Darius. He can’t stop staring at her up and down.
~ He’s apologizing to her on behalf of the male gender for Arie’s actions.
~ Hey! Don’t drag us all through Arie’s mud. Let Arie be the one to apologize.
~ Darius just said “journey”. He’s been disqualified. Did he learn nothing from Abe Lincoln, earlier?
~ The fifth guy out brings a horse with him. His name is Blake and his horse is named Bradley.
~ Bradley, Becca, and Blake. BBB. Big Baller Brand. Where is LaVar when you need him?
~ Blake calls her brave. He’s a smile talker.
~ “When you fall off the horse, you gotta get back up again.”
~ Ohhhh he’s good. Too cliché, though.
~ The premiere of The Bachelorette is May 28. That’s in 11 weeks.
~ We’ll all be in group therapy until then.
On a personal note, I just want to thank all of you for reading these recaps. It makes me happy that a lot of you watch the show via my blog. Thanks for your comments and your support. This was fun! Feel free to leave any final thoughts below.
See you soon.