Well, kids, Februarie has ended, which means this show must end as well. So take a deep breath, call your mom and let her know where you are, and let’s enjoy this one last time.
~ We open up with Christopher Harrison in front of a live studio audience.
~ Chris warns us that Arie is about to become the most controversial Bachelor in history.
~ To find out what Arie will do, we must go back to darkest Peru! It’s the calm before the climax.
~ Hey, I wonder if Paddington Bear will be in this episode. When in Peru…
~ Arie is walking – you could even say he’s Peru-sing – around a town called Cusco and then goes to lounge on his hotel bed, with his outdoor shoes on.
~ Becca is walking around town in a jean jacket (imported from Canada?) and stops to stare at a rainbow.
~ Don’t tell me, Lauren is going to be walking around town next…
~ I was wrong!?!? Lauren sits down at a table and writes in a journal.
~ Arie meets up with his family, wearing a different shirt than he was walking around town in. #Continuity
~ Arie Jr. tells Arie Sr. that he is in love with both women.
~ Lauren A. is up first! If all goes well tonight, she could be Lauren A+ by the end of the night.
~ “This has not been easy for me because I’m not cool.” – Lauren
~ They’re all sitting down for dinner, or maybe it’s lunch. Could be brunch. Let’s call it morning snack.
~ Arie Sr. pulls Lauren aside and she tells him she’s been engaged before and is worried if she gets engaged again, it won’t work.
~ I’m just waiting for the mom or dad to ask Arie, “What happened to that Krystal girl you introduced us to two months go?” Parents always remember the people you don’t talk about anymore.
~ Wait, that’s it? Lauren is giving everyone a hug goodbye. This was definitely a morning snack.
~ The family liked her. They saw chemistry.
~ The mother thinks she’s “The One”, but might change her mind when she meets Becca.
~ Arie’s family is very relaxed.
~ It’s time for Becca to meet the family and she has flowers and a picnic basket! If she has marmalade sandwiches in there as a nod to Paddington, they could just end the show right now.
~ Are they seriously not going to show us what’s in the picnic basket?
~ This family visit has followed the exact same pattern, camera shot for camera shot, as Lauren’s.
~ They’re also sitting at the table for a morning snack. Or is it high tea? A late breakfast? I don’t know. Where’s the picnic basket!?
~ The mother sits down with Becca and leads off with, “Yesterday I had a conversation with Lauren, she was engaged, so I was wondering if she’s afraid again to be engaged.”
~ Hold on, Mama L., you’re talking to Lauren’s competition here!
~ Mama L. then goes to tell Arie that she loved Lauren, but she also loves Becca.
~ Now Arie Sr. is talking to Becca and also mentions Lauren! “I’m sure you’ve met her. Do you get along?”
~ Oh this is great.
~ Arie Sr. tells her that he will be happy with either Lauren or Becca!
~ Somebody get this guy a memo! Actually, no. Let him go. This is entertaining.
~ “It’s like trying to compare an apple to a starfish” – Becca, claiming her and Lauren are very different.
~ Well, the family likes both of you and Arie loves both of you, so….Arie got his indecisiveness from his parents is what I’m getting at.
~ Now she sits down with Brother Alec, and he also mentions Lauren!
~ Did the producers tell them that if they mention Lauren’s name 10 times, they can have lunch?
~ The visit is over.
~ “Welcome back to the controversial live finale of The Bachelor.” – Chris Harrison, using his words to force you to watch.
~ “Arie’s already in trouble. He can’t seem to decide on which woman he loves the most.” – Chris H., forever stirring the pot and planting seeds.
~ Arie sits down with the family and they tell him there is no wrong choice. Ha!
Well, apparently there is. Oh, I’ve said too much. Let’s continue.
~ The family comes to a consensus that Becca is the right choice. She has more “Get up and go” because Arie sometimes needs a “Kick in the ass.”
~ That’s called the Language of Love, kids.
~ Arie says goodbye to his family and leaves.
~ Back in the live studio, Chris has Caroline there with him. She’s the woman who said, “I know what you did
last summer, Arie!”
~ She hates Arie’s guts and doesn’t agree with what he ultimately did.
~ The hype train is full steam ahead tonight, Chris Harrison disappointed face and all.
~ “Arie is in a very bad place right now.” – Chris
~ Is he? How is he in any different a place than any former Bachelor or Bachelorette? Because he admitted that he loves both of them?
~ Put a fan up your pant leg and cool your britches, Chris.
~ Chris tells us that Arie was hoping the final dates would give him clarity and prevent him from making the biggest mistake of his life. “Let’s see if he did.”
~ Fan. Pant leg. NOW.
~ Arie and Lauren are going on their final date today. Lauren is in a jean jacket (also imported from Canada?).
~ They are going to Machu Picchu which means Becca will get to go to Paddington’s house??
~ Lauren tells us that their relationship is in a good place. Ha, if she only knew.
~ This show is very poor at developing the communication side of a relationship, don’t you think?
~ Lauren and Arie are on a train because all of their dates have required them to take a different mode of transportation. I’m not kidding.
~ My mom just came over and told me there’s going to be another show tomorrow night and not to erase tonight’s show from the PVR. “It’s incredible.”
~ There you have it, more viewing notes tomorrow night.
~ The future of Arie and Lauren is dependent on this date.
~ Arie tells us that Lauren has a little speckle in her left eye.
~ Group awww on three. One, two, three…”Awwwwww.”
~ Okay, that’s enough.
~ It’s time for the night portion of the date as the teeter-totter in Arie’s heart swings back toward Lauren the longer he spends with her.
~ “Last goal, wins” is basically how Arie is going to decide who he proposes to.
~ Lauren pictures their life together as making coffee in the morning, going for a walk, making dinner, and taking dogs to the park. That’s a very Bachelor date.
~ “You can drive my golf cart anytime.” – Lauren A.
~ Lauren tells the camera that she doesn’t think Arie would let her tell him all these things if he knew he was picking Becca.
~ Ohhh the seeds. Everyone’s a farmer tonight.
~ Remember, everything we see is intentionally shown to us. They only have three hours to tell us this fairytale.
~ Back in the studio, Chris has Bekah and Seinne there. Seinne has lost her voice. Meanwhile, Bekah was lost. Moving on!
~ Bekah says if Arie is this conflicted, proposing would be the wrong thing to do.
~ THE PERSON IN ARIE’S POSITION IS ALWAYS CONFLICTED AND THEY PROPOSE 98% OF THE TIME, STOP WITH THIS HOLIER THAN THOU HOT TAKE AND GO WATCH THE SHOW FROM SEASON ONE, EPISODE ONE.
~ But really, if he’s this conflicted, he shouldn’t propose.
~ Becca and Arie are going on their final date to…a market to buy clothes?
~ This little Arie went to market…
~ They are now petting llamas.
~ In real life, Becca wouldn’t have to try so hard on this date. It would just be a day in Peru. But in Reality TV land, she has to stand out more than Lauren did. Oh, how twisted this all is.
~ But we eat it up like hungry llamas.
~ “Going into today, I was thinking about Lauren. But now, I’m conflicted.” – Arie
~ Like I said: last goal, wins. Whoever talks to him last, he’ll propose to.
~ Time for the night portion of the date.
~ Becca asks him if he has hesitations. He can’t get a complete sentence out.
~ Becca takes out a scrapbook of their relationship.
~ Group awww on three. One, two, three: Awwwwww.
~ She even had a page in the book for their first child. Wow, okay. He hasn’t even offered you the final rose yet.
~ Arie leaves and walks down the street like a stray cat.
~ Arie loves two women. I kind of feel bad for him. Only slightly.
~ Should’ve gone to visit Paddington to ask for advice.
~ Back in studio, Chris now has former Bachelors Ben and Jason in his circle of candles.
~ Jason is the one who proposed to one girl, but changed his mind after the show ended, and married the other girl and now has two kids.
~ Ben is the guy who told two women he loved them, then picked a girl named Lauren B.
~ It’s proposal day! Arie stares out his window.
~ Becca stares out her window!
~ Lauren stares out her window!
~ Most people scroll through social media when they wake up, but okay.
~ Becca lays her dress on her bed and says she cannot imagine a future without Arie.
~ Lauren lays her dress on her bed and says she hopes Arie wants to spend the rest of his life with her.
~ Neil Lane meets with Arie so he can pick out an expensive ring that he doesn’t have to pay for.
~ And the women are in their limos, on their way to what looks like a ranch!
~ Arie is in a blue suit and blue tie because everything is blue for him, in his house, and everybody around, ’cause he ain’t got nobody to listen. – Eiffel 65, Blue
~ The first limo has arrived. Normally the first person to get out is the one who isn’t chosen.
~ Lauren is out first! Oh no. I guess she won’t be Lauren A+ or Lauren L. by the end of this.
~ Chris walks her to Arie.
~ All the while, there are never-ending voiceovers of Lauren hyping up their relationship. The juxtaposition is brutal.
~ Lauren launches into her great speech to Arie. There is a bee in the background.
~ Arie is going to bring the sting in 3…2…1…
~ He starts shaking his head right after Lauren tells him he’s the man she’s been looking for, for her whole life.
~ Oh no, why did you have to say that!?
~ Arie tells her there’s something holding him back and he can’t go through with it.
~ “I’m extremely confused.” – Lauren
~ I’m sure she is, but this happens every season.
~ Arie walks her out as the sad alpacas in the background bury their head in the grass. It’s time for their morning snack.
~ Before she gets in the car, she asks him why he did that. Arie says he didn’t know until this morning.
~ He tells her he loves her and puts her in a limo. Men suck, don’t we?
~ “I feel a little bit like a monster right now.” – Arie
~ Chin up, Lauren, chin up. This show may be over, but life isn’t.
~ Lauren wonders how Arie can propose to someone when he wasn’t sure until three hours ago. “He chose the easy route.”
~ Back to Chris in the studio: Did Arie make a mistake? Is this the last time he’ll ever see her?
~ Stop with the leading questions, Christopher I’m on to your games!
~ It’s Becca’s turn.
~ Could you imagine if an alpaca charges in and breaks up the proposal? But wait, it’s not an alpaca, it’s a person in an alpaca costume, and OH MY GOD it’s Lauren!
~ Imagine that happened.
~ Becca is now walking towards Arie.
~ It’s a long walk so she’s probably thinking, “Arie there yet?” Get it?
~ You’re all going to miss my jokes so much. There will be a void in your life.
~ Becca launches into her speech now.
~ The wind is strong and the weather is gloomy.
~ In Shakespeare terms, this is called pathetic fallacy, where the weather mirrors the situation. Yeah, I’m smart.
~ Arie has gotten down on one knee to propose!
~ “Becca, will you marry me?”
~ Woah woah woah, he didn’t even say her full name? Time out.
~ You gotta go with the full name! What is this half-assed proposal?
~ She says yes. Then she accepts the final rose.
~ She’s wearing a black dress and he’s in a blue suit.
~ Black and blue – the same colour as a bruise.
~ “When are we gonna start having babies?” – Arie
~ “Tonight.” – Becca
~ Arie picked her up and she dropped the rose!
~ Soooo many bad omens! Two of the three alpacas are sitting. Sitting!! At a time like this!
~ Back to the studio and the buzzkill himself, Chris Harrison, says Becca looks happy, but is this the end of the story?
~ Chris knows the answer to every single question he asks. He’s just tormenting the viewer.
~ Back from commercial, we are looking at video footage of the days and weeks after the proposal.
~ “The time spent after the show with Becca, it’s been good.” – Arie
~ They’re making pizza dough together. Oh, be still my arteries!
~ And here it is.
~ Arie is going on secret meet-ups with Becca but admits to wondering what they would be like with Lauren.
~ He’s thinking about Lauren all the time.
~ Arie feels guilty. He has to go back on his “choosing you every day” comment to Becca.
~ Arie has called off the engagement and has broken up with Becca, but hasn’t told Becca! Oh dios mio.
~ So, apparently Arie told The Bachelor crew that he was going to break up with Becca so they could film it, rather than him doing it in private.
~ And since the show doesn’t have a heart, they didn’t say, “No, you should do that in private”, they brought out the camera crew.
~ Chris and Arie are at some house? Lodge? Hey Chris, you position yourself as the voice of reason yet you’re not telling Arie to do this off-camera. Classy.
~ People are going to hate Arie for this and the show won’t care.
~ Now we’re seeing Becca’s side of things leading up to their break-up meeting. She has no clue this is coming.
~ Back to the studio audience and the crowd is booing.
~ To clarify, it’s okay for him to date 29 people at the same time, but he’s not allowed to break up with someone when he can’t stop thinking of someone else.
~ Now Chris is throwing us to “the most emotional scene ever.” The break up.
~ Arie meets with Becca in a house and sits her down.
~ We’re getting a split screen now. One camera on Arie, one on Becca. This is uncut, unedited, ground-breaking television!
~ Arie just told Becca that he still thinks about Lauren.
~ He felt that the more he hung out with Becca, the more he felt like he was losing the chance to reconcile with Lauren.
~ Arie says he has to follow his heart.
~ Did Arie intentionally show up to this conversation with a 5 o’clock shadow to play up the “I’ve been struggling” aspect of this? Just asking.
~ Arie shouldn’t have proposed.
~ I don’t fault him for being honest and saying he wants a chance with Lauren.
~ I fault him for proposing to Becca if he was that conflicted. I fault him for allowing this to be filmed.
~ This sucks for Becca. It always has, because she’s the one who had to be in the dark ever since she entered Harrison Manor with 28 other women.
~ Feels like he tried so hard to create a happy ending for himself after his previous “journey” on this show ended poorly.
~ Back to the studio and Chris has a tear in his eye because he knows the ratings are through the roof tonight.
~ Becca walks out and leaves Arie on the couch.
~ He’s gonna go after her, isn’t he?
~ Yup, he is.
~ He looked at a member of the crew and shrugged his shoulder. They definitely said something to make him get up, but they cut that audio out and focussed the audio on Becca packing.
~ Oh but wait, this was supposed to be unedited…..yeah, okay.
~ Arie goes to her bedroom to tell her he’s going to leave.
~ Becca tells him she’s not going to hug him goodbye.
~ Arie leaves the building and we hear Becca crying in her room.
~ Good for her for holding it together. I was expecting her to destroy the house.
~ Arie is outside on the porch, pondering what he’s done.
~ Dammit Arie, why did you have to come back to a show you hadn’t been on in 5 years!
~ Oh no, Arie is back in the house. No. No. No. No. No. Stop.
~ He knocks on the bathroom door, “Hey, are you okay.”
~ SHE IS NOT OKAY, YOU BABOON. OR BUFFOON. WHATEVER. BOTH. YOU JUST BROKE HER HEART, GO FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE. GO TO PERU WHY DON’T YOU. GO SEE PADDINGTON LIKE I SAID YOU SHOULD HAVE. LEAVE HER ALONE. DON’T TEXT HER LATER, EITHER, I KNOW YOU’LL BE TEMPTED.
~ Why is Arie sitting on the couch again? Go home.
~ Becca wants him to leave. He’s not going anywhere. He’s like a raccoon at a garbage dump.
~ “Can we talk just a little bit.” – Arie
~ “Don’t touch me.” – Becca
~ We go back to Chris and he says this is blowing up social media right now, just to remind us that they don’t care that they filmed this.
~ Arie has finally got her to sit on the couch.
~ Update: Becca is no longer wearing the ring.
~ I just hope people don’t hate on Lauren for this, though they probably will.
~ Why is Arie breaking up with her on camera? Jason didn’t do that. It was done privately and then they told us afterwards.
~ If he changed his mind when the cameras were off, why does he need the cameras back on to break up with her?
~ “Just go.” – Becca
~ Let’s see how long before he gets up. I’m starting the clock.
~ Is this why he wanted it filmed? So he can show how much he “cares”. This is painful.
~ He still hasn’t stood up! GO!
~ It’s been 1 whole minute.
~ I’m cringing.
~ We’re at 85 seconds.
~ LEAVE ARIE YOU IDIOT.
~ He’s just staring at her like it’s that scene in Paranormal Activity.
~ He got off the couch 1 minute and 57 seconds after Becca told him to leave.
~ Arie goes to get in the back of the limo but the door is locked. The omens continue!
~ When one door closes, another one is locked.
~ Becca is left to cry on the couch while a camera films her. This is so stupid.
~ Back in studio and Becca is there with Chris.
~ She says it was a hard heartbreak.
~ Becca has not talked to Arie since that day.
~ She said she cried for four days straight.
~ Chris wants to know if she wants to see him again. She said she has a ton of questions, but they are out of time tonight.
~ The credits start with “The producers are thankful for #BachelorNation” because that’s who they care about.
~ We’re pulling a Bachelor doubleheader, as they’ll be back tomorrow night to all meet face to face to face.
I’m gassed. If you got through all of this, you’re a hero. See you tomorrow.