This is uncharted territory for me. I’ve never done viewing notes for the “Women Tell All” reunion show. For starters, I don’t think they actually “tell all”. It’s more about who can roll their eyes the most without the others noticing.
~ For the uninitiated, the show is taking place in front of a live studio audience which is 97% women and 3% men who can’t wait to go out for dinner afterwards. The women who were sent home are back to argue with each other and Arie will show up later to look awkward.
~ Chris Harrison and his new haircut walk out to a standing ovation.
~ His suit jacket looks a bit short in the sleeves.
~ There are way too many audience shots already. Everyone has a judgmental look on their face. This will be fun.
~ “What will happen when the women see Arie for the first time since he sent them home?”
~ They’ll smile and say hi, Chris. You know this.
~ Oh, what’s this? A highlight package from previous “Tell All” episodes? Are they concerned we’re already flipping channels?
~ “And later, we have BLOOPERS!”
~ Alright, simmer down, Oprah.
~ *Cut to a shot of an audience member screaming as if they just walked in on a surprise party*
~ I’m remembering why I never watch this episode.
~ Back from commercial, Chris is sitting in a chair which is surrounded by a circle of candles. 8PM television at its finest?
~ Olivia, Jessica, Jenny, Lauren G., Lauren S., Annaliese, Brittany T, Marikh, Jenna, Ashley, Krystal, Jacqueline, Caroline, Bibiana, Chelsea, Bekah, Seinne, and Tia are there.
~ That was a lot. I’m out of breath.
~ The great thing about this show is they show 3-minute long video recaps that I can skip.
~ We’re talking about glam-shaming now.
~ Marikh feels like it was a judgment of how she looks.
~ Brittany steps in and says she’s blowing things out of proportion.
~ To be clear, there are 18 women arguing about whether or not “glam-shaming” is a thing.
~ Bekah Earring Update – They are black circles with a hole in them, so if Arie tries to kiss her he has somewhere to put his fingers. There are also feathers hanging from the earrings.
~ The addition of feathers gives a “6-year-old kid in arts and crafts making a gift to give to their mother for Mother’s Day” vibe to them. Tell me I’m wrong.
~ “I can’t control that I was born in 1995.” – Bekah
~ What she really means is, “I can’t control that this show cast an older bachelor and provided him with a group of women who are a few years removed from college.”
~ Boom #RealTalk
~ Bibiana and Krystal start arguing and someone else jumps in and Christopher H., who is sitting at the other side of the stage, breaks it up and sends it to commercial.
~ I think it’s low of this show to keep mentioning Krystal’s name and immediately cutting to members of the audience shaking their heads at her.
~ Way to guide your TV audience on how they should feel.
~ Chris has invited Krystal down to centre stage.
~ Another recap package!
~ Listen, I have The Walking Dead to get to. I’m going to skip through this whenever I can.
~ Chris asks him why Krystal didn’t divulge information about her date with Arie to the girls.
~ She says she did that because she didn’t want to know about their relationships, and wanted to focus on hers.
~ That’s a good answer.
~ How long before the other women attack her with a stern tone?
~ Oh, here comes Sienne and Lauren S.
~ “You were so in-aw-THen-tick.”
~ Caroline has come out swinging tonight. I barely remember her from the show.
~ She’s done it now, she just said Krystal was a sociopath in her interviews on the show.
~ Six women are now talking about how they mocked each other? I can’t hear.
~ Yay, another break!
~ Krystal retorts to Caroline by saying she always talked behind her back and never to her face.
~ Caroline says Krystal also talked to people behind their backs. Ugh.
~ Remember how on every date on this show, they never actually talk about anything new? The just talk about their previous date? We are going through the same sort of syndrome here.
~ Two women talking to each other, who keep talking about talking behind the other’s back.
~ “I didn’t like you. I had a moment of weakness and I mocked you.” – Caroline
~ Bibiana says Krystal has anger issues she needs to confront.
~ Bekah is laughing while biting her fingers.
~ Was Krystal nice to the girls? Not really. Were the other girls nice to her? Not really. They’re all at fault! You all said mean things!
~ One person just used the word “condescension” because in order to win an argument you need to use big words that make you sound smart.
~ Okay, there are people in the audience wearing masks over their eyes to play up the whole “Arie is a kissing bandit” theme.
~ It feels like Halloween in February.
~ These girls are still mad that Krystal interrupted their alone time with Arie when she already had a rose.
~ Can we all just move on? Your extra three minutes talking to Arie wouldn’t have made a difference.
~ Olivia just asked Krystal why her voice was different on the show.
~ Who is Olivia? She’s 23? Why wasn’t her age an issue?
~ Krystal says she lost her voice for 6 weeks which is why she sounded like that.
~ Krystal tells a touching story about her little brother who saw her on the show and didn’t realize how much she cared about him. He had been homeless for two years and is now transitioning into housing with their parents.
~ Everyone smiles and claps because they realize how petty they’ve been for the last 10 minutes arguing about ridiculous things THAT DO NOT MATTER.
~ Seinne gets called up to Chris’ Circle of Candles. C3, for short.
~ Wooo another video package!
~ Seinne is at peace that she’s not with Arie.
~ They just showed two men in the audience sitting next to each other. They definitely found each other on the way in and formed an alliance. I bet they didn’t even speak. A nod would’ve been all they needed.
~ They’re probably sharing snacks, too.
~ “I’m dating, but I’m single.” – Seinne
~ Is she planting seeds to become the bachelorette?
~ Chris calls Bekah to the stand.
~ Yes, I just turned this into a courtroom.
~ Throw Annalise Keating at her.
~ Another video package of her journey!
~ They have to stop calling this a “journey”, I’m sorry.
~ If the path to marriage involves dating someone that is also dating 28 other people, and you can’t text or phone them, while only going on one date a week (which may or may not be a group date)…and that’s considered a “journey”, then I need a new dictionary.
~ If this weren’t televised, it wouldn’t be called a “journey”.
~ It would be called “One guy’s strange method to finding a wife”.
~ Bekah feels judged about her age.
~ She says there are other girls there that are 23, 24, and 25, yet no one is making jokes about their age.
~ Bekah must read my blog, I’ve been saying this forever!
~ Well, a lot of it has to do with editing. The people behind this show didn’t have to include so many “Bekah is so young” video clips, but they did.
~ As in wrestling, everyone on The Bachelor needs a gimmick. Being young was hers. You can’t have two people with the same gimmick, or else they’d be a tag team. And Arie can’t propose to two people, so…
~ Every time they show Tia, she’s had a stone cold look on her face.
~ We are 70 minutes into this episode and Arie hasn’t made an appearance yet.
~ Chris is now talking about how there was an article in a California newspaper that listed Bekah as a missing person since November 12, 2017.
~ She said she went up north to a marijuana farm with friends, didn’t have phone service, and her mom didn’t know where she was and reported her missing.
~ Chris pulls out his phone to have her call her mom right now to check in.
~ “Mama Martinez, this is Chris Harrison from The Bachelor, I have your daughter – she’s safe.”
~ I didn’t make that up, he actually said it.
~ Chris tells the mom that Bekah will be on Bachelor in Paradise this summer. I’m considering doing viewing notes for that, even though I’ve never watched it. We’ll see.
~ “She was a small town girl. Living in a lonely world. Tia is here. Did she take a midnight train going anywhere?” – Chris
~ No, no, no. He did it wrong. He was supposed to change “anywhere” to “Airy-where” since Tia’s Dad called him Airy.
~ WHY IS NO ONE ON THIS SHOW CLEVER?
~ I had that pun ready to go the moment he said “small town girl”. I don’t know why my mind is so quick.
~ Tia comes down now to join Chris.
~ She got a three-minute video package.
~ Tia is bothered that Arie didn’t give an explanation as to why she went home.
~ “Are you ready to love again?” – Chris
~ He’s serving her up on a platter of pigs in blankets to be the bachelorette. I see right through this.
~ “I’m open to the chance to fall in love again, for sure.” – Tia
~ Do people talk like this in real life?
~ With 31 minutes left in the show, Arie arrives.
~ Tia gives a good ‘ol “Oh, it’s you” wave to him from her seat. The disdain is noted.
~ He should’ve brought bubble wrap because someone might throw a candle.
~ Arie says hi to the girls and they SMILE and say HI in return.
~ Scroll up the page, back to the part where Chris Harrison asked how the girls will react when they see him and I said they will SMILE AND SAY HI.
~ I am too good at this. Someone pay me.
~ Jacqueline mentions that Arie doesn’t deserve flack for being scared off by the fact that she’s going to get her Ph.D.
~ Did the producers put her up to saying that, to take some heat off him?
~ I don’t trust anything that happens on my TV, if you haven’t noticed.
~ Arie says Bekah’s age scared him off.
~ Caroline says to Arie, “I know what you did and I don’t know how you could do that.”
~ “I think that’ll play out in the weeks to come.” – Arie
~ “I appreciate you saying it.” – Arie
~ NO YOU DON’T.
~ Caroline is alluding to the fact that the ending of this season is going to be “different” and “controversial” and…what’s the golden phrase I’m looking for…?
~ “The most dramatic ending in Bachelor history.”
~ Ahh there it is.
~ I do like Caroline’s delivery of that morbid line: “I know what you did.” I just wish she said, “I know what you did last summer.”
~ Chris throws to break because whenever this show gets interesting, they need to send it to commercial so the viewers can tweet about it.
~ This show knows how to control its audience, if you haven’t noticed.
~ Krystal invites herself over to the couch to talk to Arie.
~ She sits down and says hi. He says, “Hey, how are you?”
~ And then she said “Good, you?” And he said, “Good, you? And she said, “Good, you?
~ Sorry, I was just living out an introverts worst conversation nightmare.
~ Krystal says their goodbye felt cold. Arie says it was an appropriate goodbye.
~ Oh no he di’int.
~ Arie says it sucked to see how she actually was, in comparison to how she was with him.
~ He’s trying to win over the fans tonight, so when he looks bad in two weeks, he doesn’t look “as” bad.
~ This crowd is hooting and hollering when Arie says he maybe dragged on their relationship longer than he should have.
~ This is very State of The Union Addressy.
~ They speak three sentences at a time and wait for an applause from the crowd. I can’t stand that.
~ Arie’s time in the “hot seat” is over. He spent 14 minutes in it, but 3 of those minutes were a commercial.
~ He was there for 11 minutes.
~ In that time, Jacqueline told him it was okay that he dumped her.
~ He told Tia that his emotions were further along with Kendall.
~ And he held a Comedy Central roast at Krystal’s expense.
~ It’s time for some bloopers.
~ The last blooper is of the wrestling date where Arie got in the ring with the Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King.
~ Chris “Sleeves” Harrison got in the ring and hit Kenny King with a folding chair.
~ Like I said last week, this show always comes back to wrestling.
~ Back in the studio, John Cena has appeared outta nowhere!
~ But that’s Randy Orton’s schtick…
~ Oh, Cena is there with two other actors to promote a movie.
~ Chris just suggested that Cena could be the next bachelor.
~ No, Chris. He got engaged to Nikki Bella at WrestleMania last year. Pay attention!
~ We’re back to wrap up.
~ “The conclusion to Arie’s journey (drink) is unlike anything that has happened before on this show. More dramatic (drink), more real (hahaha), more different from anything you expected.” – Chris
~ “This truly is the most dramatic ending in Bachelor history.” – Chris
~ Scroll up, I SAID THAT EXACT SENTENCE FIVE MINUTES AGO.
~ “You don’t want to be the only person in America that doesn’t see how this goes.”
~ No love for the Canadian viewers? After all I do for this show?
~ Are you aware, Christopher P. Harrison, of how many people are now interested in this show because of my viewing notes? ARIE YOU?
~ See what I did there? Always gotta end with a pun.
~ It’s over. I’m free.
~ Oh wait, the outtakes at the end show Arie eating on the dates and saying “Mmm” every time he puts something in his mouth.
See you all back here tomorrow.