Two, four, six, (episode) eight, who’s ready for a hometown date?
Three, five, seven, nine, every two minutes you’ll need some wine.
~ We are down to the Final Four sponsored by, This Space For Rent: Tia, Lauren A-, Kendall, and Becca. Arie will meet their families tonight. Get’cha popcorn ready, kids.
~ Arie can’t believe he went from 29 women down to 4, and that 1 of them is going to be his wife.
~ Hold your geese, Arie. They still have to say “I do”.
~ We start with Kendall’s hometown date – I’ll let you know where they are when Arie tells us how beautiful it is there. Don’t worry, he’ll say it. HE. ALWAYS. SAYS. IT.
~ Arie says that Kendall is not your average girl – she’s interesting, quirky, and curious.
~ He just pulled an old school English class trick on us – list things in threes.
~ When he says “Quirky”, it comes out as “Corky”.
~ We are 1/1 in girls running and jumping into Arie’s arms.
~ Tongue twister of the night: Say “Arie’s Arms” 10 times fast.
~ Oh, they are in Los Angeles. The City of Angles. Right?
~ That was a protractor joke. Laugh!
~ Kendall takes him straight to her taxidermy room. Yes, Kendall! Coming through in the clutch.
~ Kendall thinks of it as having stuffed animals. Arie thinks of it as, “Get me the hell out of here.”
~ “She’s corky.”
~ “She keeps things interesting.”
~ I’m starting to think Arie has three words to describe each girl and that’s his way of remembering each one.
~ It’s arts and crafts time! They are going to be mounting rats. I guess that means they’re operating on them? Stuffing them?
~ They’ve each dressed up a rat and are now holding them up as if they’re puppets from Mr. Dressup.
~ Arie’s rat asks Kendall’s rat if she will accept a rose.
~ THE DEAD RATS JUST KISSED.
~ Get them to the fantasy suite already. Where’s Chris Harrison? Have him prepare a shoe box for the ratty couple.
~ I ate too much mashed potatoes at dinner and they’re all coming back up.
~ It’s night time now and Arie tells us “today was incredible”.
~ That’s not what the look on your face said, pal.
~ Time to meet the family!
~ Arie is meeting her mom, dad, younger brother Colton, and twin sister Kylie.
~ A twin sister! Oh, here come the shenanigans.
~ “Thank you for inviting me into your home.” – Arie
~ Did they have a choice?
~ MAY DAY! MAY DAY!
~ We have our first Dad alert of the evening. He was drinking his wine while staring straight at Arie. Eye contact while drinking from a glass is a red flag.
~ “Kendall’s interesting.” – Mom
~ ARIE HAS ALREADY BRAINWASHED THE MOM. DRINK!
~ “It’s a different kind of courtship.” – Dad
~ The Dad hates Arie’s guts and I love it.
~ “Kendall’s not your typical girl.” – Mom
~ The Mom is saying everything Arie has been saying.
~ Kendall and her Mom go off to talk.
~ Kendall tells her that Arie told her today that he’s falling for her. She says this is scary.
~ Arie is talking to the twin sister now and apparently she’s been dissecting his every move since he entered their house.
~ “Every move you make, every breath you take, every litre of water you use when you flush the toilet, I’ll be watching you.” Something like that.
~ Twin Sister claims to have seen some “space” between Arie and Kendall.
~ I don’t know what she’s talking about, Arie is always three feet away from her face.
~ “Our chemistry is amazing.” – Arie
~ Arie is the kinda guy who would make a volcano for his school science project, but it doesn’t do anything when he has to present.
~ Twin Peeks (because she notices everything) is now interrogating her sister.
~ She says she doesn’t feel that there is an undeniable love between Arie and Kendall.
~ Who is she, Harriet the Spy?
~ I dug deep for that reference, I hope it was appreciated.
~ It’s only been two months. But yeah, they’ve never even exchanged a text message and could get engaged in two weeks, so…
~ Arie and the father are now talking.
~ The father is skeptical so Arie tells him that he’s falling for Kendall.
~ That’s the third time in 19 minutes he’s said that.
~ If he’s in the “falling” stage right now, does that mean he’ll be completely on the floor by the time the finale rolls around?
~ Wait, is that why men propose on one knee? Because they’ve completely fallen for a girl? I should make note of this.
~ And then when the guy is down, it’s up to the girl to raise him so they could stand on mountains. Or am I including Josh Groban in this for no reason?
~ Arie says they have potential.
~ Arie, she’s not an 18-year-old college prospect looking to be taken in the first round of the upcoming draft.
She’s not Bekah.
~ Father Frown says he wouldn’t give Arie permission to propose to his daughter, though he would support her.
~ Well, there goes her chances. Never mind on that fantasy suite shoe box for the rats, Christopher H. You may go back to rolling up your sleeves and counting roses.
~ Kendall tells Twin Peeks that she’s not ready to be engaged but it could happen at the end of this.
~ My mind is spinning.
~ Don’t they have to eat dinner? Why is everyone dressed so nice inside their own house?
~ Oh right, the cameras and TV show thing.
~ That’s it! The referee is calling for the bell! Arie and Kendall say goodbye to the family and go sit outside.
~ Kendall tells Arie that she’s falling for him.
~ What is this, Ring Around the Rosie?
~ Ashes, ashes, we all fall down!
~ Here we go! We’re off to Weiner, Arkansas for Tia’s hometown date.
~ They slowly run up to each other and he picks her up for a hug.
~ We are 2/2 on the run-pick up-hug sequence.
~ “I’m in Weiner.” – Arie
~ Tia is taking Arie racing on a dirt track. How original.
~ Arie drifts around in the dirt and Tia limps along like a snail on a driveway.
~ Tia warns him that her brother might grill him with questions tonight. Can’t wait!
~ Tia’s family has rolled out the red carpet tonight, and by that I mean they have a platter of pigs in a blanket! Because they’re in Weiner! I get it!
~ “So, like, we went on some crazy dates, Dad, you will freakin’ die.” – Tia
~ Tia’s Dad just called him “Airy” ahahahahahaha
~ They cheers to mini hotdogs.
~ Airy and Brother sit on the back porch and there is a breeze.
~ Tia’s brother looks like he’s dressed up as Stone Cold Steve Austin for Halloween.
~ Stone Cold has done his research on Airy and calls him a playboy.
~ Dang, the things you could find on the internet huh?
~ Airy has the wind taken out of him right now.
~ “I’m falling for your sister.”
~ Arie has the same canned answers for every hometown date, it’s
unbelievable completely believable.
~ Oh no, Stone Cold has softened up. He likes Airy.
~ Father Kenny is talking to Airy now. He mentions he’s read on the internet that he’s a playboy.
~ I’m just picturing Father Kenny and Brother Stone Cold hovering over a computer doing their research. What a sight.
~ Airy denies the playboy rumour.
~ Airy wants his blessing to propose to Tia.
~ “She really digs you.” – Father Kenny just turned into Booker T
~ This show always comes back to wrestling.
~ He gives his blessing.
~ “If you hurt her, I can find you on Google.”
~ And then what? AND THEN WHAT?
~ I don’t know how he did it, but Airy won over the family.
~ Tia tells Airy that she’s in love with him.
~ She’s peaking too soon. We’re still at Final 4! Save something for later, Tia!
~ Quick question as we go to commercial – Which did you enjoy less: Krystal’s unique voice on this show, or Fergie’s rendition of the national anthem at the NBA All-Star Game? Vote now by calling 1-888-IDOLS-08.
~ Don’t actually call that number, I’m just being stupid and reciting an old American Idol phone number. Those things never leave the brain.
~ We are off to Minneapolis, Minnesota – home of many of the kids in the Mighty Duck movies – for Becca’s hometown date.
~ Is there any chance they go rollerblading through the streets with hockey sticks?
~ Autumn is about to vomit all over my television screen.
~ And by “Autumn” I mean the season that comes after Summer.
~ I would’ve called it Fall but with so much falling going on in this episode, I thought it would be overkill.
~ They casually run up to each other and Becca performs the two feet jump into his arms.
~ She sticks the landing on his torso and we are 3/3.
~ Oh look, they’re picking apples. I bet they’ll take pictures of themselves pretending to walk between the trees and then post it on Instagram.
~ Arie is wearing a big winter jacket with fur on the hood. A bit too much. I’m sure Becca can crop him out of the photo.
~ Arie is now sitting in a tree p-i-c-k-i-n-g apples and tossing them down to Becca who is holding a bucket. This is love.
~ Now they are using a slingshot to launch an apple at a target. They hit it and we have a voiceover of Arie saying, “I know I’m falling for Becca”.
~ They just made caramel apples.
~ They’ve done about four things and Arie is convinced she’ll make a great mom.
~ Hey, I was once told I’d make a great Dad but that was after a kid at camp filled his pants and I…never mind.
~ Tia and Arie roll up to her house and the family inside is already skeptical. This is going to be great!
~ This jacket is wearing Arie. Arie is not wearing the jacket.
~ And we’re in the house!
~ Everyone is at the table and no one is eating! What has this show done to these normal, probably hungry, individuals!
~ After Becca’s father passed away, her Uncle Gary took on the father role.
~ Uncle Gary and Arie go have a chat.
~ Meanwhile, Becca is talking to her mom and asks her if she would allow Arie to propose to her.
~ Well, there we have it.
~ The Mom is now sitting down with Arie.
~ According to them, choosing each other every day is what makes a marriage work.
~ I’m picturing Arie handing out roses to his wife every day for the rest of his life, but Chris Harrison always pops out from under the bed to say, “This is the final rose of the evening, Arie, when you’re ready.” And then the kettle goes off and they have to redo everything.
~ “I’m falling for her.”
~ We’re 3/3 with that statement.
~ Arie is falling for the camera operator at this point.
~ Arie asks for the mom’s blessing. Her mom says she will trust her daughter’s choice.
~ Oh no, Arie has won over this family as well.
~ This whole time I’ve been waiting for him to mess up a conversation with a parent so I can jump in and say, “Arie is poor with parents. Meanwhile, parents love me.” But no, everyone likes him and I can’t compliment myself.
~ This episode is dragging. I just want it to finish so I can watch ice dancing since there’s apparently some crooked judges who are looking to screw over Canada (Tessa Virtue & Scott Moir) tonight. Over my dead body they will!
~ We are off to Virginia Beach for Lauren A-‘s hometown date.
~ If this goes well, she’s getting bumped up to Lauren A.
~ And there it is, the running jump into his arms.
~ To recap, these two have walked around on a date. They’ve rode (ridden?) bicycles. And now they’re riding horses on a beach.
~ Always in motion.
~ “I think Lauren and I started out pretty slow.” – Arie
~ Well yeah, she was barely on the show until Episode 3, but I singled her out in Episode 1, so take that Arie!
~ They’re eating crab legs on a pier and Lauren tells him to break a leg tonight, and hopefully no one gets crabby.
~ This! I’ve been waiting for the puns for eight episodes. Finally someone with a desperate attempt at humour.
~ Time to meet the parents.
~ From the outside, the house looks like it was built for a television show or movie. It looks like the backside of the Home Alone house.
~ Lauren and Arie are sitting on a couch on the other side of the room from the family.
~ You could put a moat between them.
~ Arie is now speaking Dutch. And the conversation dies!
~ I’ve been waiting for this!
~ Lauren’s Dad asks him if he plays golf. He doesn’t!
~ How are they supposed to bond? Arie, you fool. Lie next time, and then go play 36 holes a day to practise.
~ Arie is leaving the dinner table. He’s uncomfortable.
~ He’s nervous, and on the surface he looks clammy and sweaty.
~ There will be a moat in that living room before we know it.
~ The Father takes him out back to talk.
~ They are bonding over which type of planes they’ve flown. Ah, good save.
~ Arie tells Lauren’s mom that he’s falling in love with her daughter.
~ “Really?” – Mom; Ahahahaha Lauren gets her humour from her mother
~ So Arie has told every family that he’s falling in love with their daughter.
~ How in the world did they gather 29 women and within 2 months, Arie fell in love with 4 of them?
~ Lauren tells her mom, “I’m falling in love with him.”
~ “Really?” – This mom is on top of her “That don’t impress me much” game tonight.
~ The night is over, I don’t know what they served for dinner.
~ Just a reminder, he sent Bekah home because she was too young. She was 22. Lauren A (yeah, she’s gotten bumped up from A-) is 25. Is three years that much of a difference?
~ The girls are returning to the mansion and are greeted by Christopher Harrison.
~ Becca arrives first.
~ Kendall arrives second.
~ Tia rounds out the podium, arriving third.
~ “Welcome back to the mansion.” – Chris
~ Finally, he’s welcoming people to places where he isn’t also a visitor.
~ Though by this point, it should be the Harrison Manor.
~ Lauren A arrives fourth.
~ They’re all in different coloured dresses tonight. I wonder if they coordinated that in a Final Four group chat, or….?
~ Arie arrives last and exits the limo as if he’s never seen the mansion before.
~ He doesn’t know who he’s going to send home. Well, you can’t marry four of them.
~ He tells the girls that this is the hardest decision he’s ever had to make in his life.
~ Man, these women must feel great knowing the guy they’re falling in love with is hung up on three other women.
~ Isn’t this what The Jerry Springer Show is for?
~ Arie is breaking down and leaves the Rose Ceremony.
~ Here, I’ll conduct the proceedings for him.
~ Hey, me again. Your boyfriend. I had a great time meeting your families. None of them had an appetite which was a bit concerning, but I can let that slide. There are three roses tonight and four of you, but I found where Chris Harrison hides his stash of roses and now there are four, so let’s get this going before production…catches…oh, they caught me. Back to three.
~ Lauren A. Lauren A, will you accept this rose? *Hug*
~ Tia. Tia, will you accept this rose? *Hug*
~ *Chris Harrison is lowered down from the ceiling in a harness*. Ladies, Paul, this is the final rose this evening. *Chris Harrison is raised back to the rafters*
~ *Cue the dramatic music* *Pan over to a shot of Kendall looking worried* *Overlay audio of her saying their connection is deep* *Cut to a shot of Becca looking worried* *Overlay audio of her saying she can see a future with Arie* *Go back to me, breathing heavily and twirling the rose*
~ Becca. Becca, will you accept this rose? *Hug*
~ See, Arie. It isn’t that hard.
~ In the meantime, Arie has come back in the room and taken Kendall away to talk.
~ Arie is asking Kendall if there’s a chance she can “get there”.
~ He’s basically asking if she will accept a proposal at the end of this. She won’t because she’s normal and knows two months on a TV show doesn’t mean they’ll spend a lifetime together, so why go through the charade of a TV proposal and the ensuing media appearances where she has to look happy and show off a ring that she knows is just a symbol of their time spent on a TV show and not a symbol of their everlasting love.
~ Woah, that was deep.
~ Let’s get this Rose Ceremony on the racetrack!
~ Becca gets the first rose.
~ Lauren A gets the second rose.
~ Here is Chris Harrison! He takes a deep breath, like he’s at a Doctor’s appointment, and reminds everyone there is only one rose left.
~ He gets paid so much.
~ Kendall gets the final rose! I guess I’m the one who should’ve had one last chat with Kendall?
~ Did the pigs in a blanket make him sick? Is that why Tia’s father called him Airy? Because he had a gas leak in their house? And is this why he’s sending her home? He’s embarrassed? He knows he can never go back into that house?
~ I love a good conspiracy theory.
~ Tia asks him what she did wrong. He says she didn’t do anything wrong.
~ “There’s just something missing.” – Arie
~ Tia it’s not you, it’s just the rules of Harrison Manor.
~ Tia goes home, crying in the limo.
The Women Tell All episode is next Sunday and the Final 3 episode is on Monday. I normally don’t do viewing notes for the Tell All episodes, but let’s see if I can be talked into it.
Thanks for reading and don’t forget to choose each other every day.