Twelve comes after eleven, it’s episode seven!
~ The circus continues in Italy this week. How long before Arie says it’s beautiful there? Oh, three seconds. He just said it.
~ Arie can’t wait to eat pasta. If my grandparents were watching this, they’d be screaming “Mangia!” at the TV.
~ Hey look, it’s Christopher M. Harrison. He’s wearing a jacket so there is no sleeve update, for now.
~ “Welcome to Tuscany!” – Chris
~ STOP. WELCOMING. THEM. TO. PLACES. WHERE. YOU. ARE. ALSO. A. VISITOR.
~ The last three episodes have all started the same way.
~ Chris says Arie is in a great mood. Is Arie an animal in a zoo? Does this mean they’re allowed to pet him?
~ There is no Rose Ceremony this week. Instead, there are three one-on-one dates and a group date.
~ Nothing says, “I don’t want a future with you” more, than being put on a group date the week before hometown dates.
~ “Almost half of us are going home.” #BachelorMath
~ The girls enter their hotel room and freak out at how nice it is. Again.
~ Becca is going on the first date.
~ “Ciao, Bella” – Arie. Don’t make me break out my Italian lexicon, Arie.
~ Actually, I’m better at speaking Italian than I am writing it. And by that I mean, I know about three sentences and they’re all useless.
~ Arie wants to have a picnic. They went all this way for a picnic? Even Yogi Bear is questioning this.
~ They buy bread from a man who has a table set up outside. Probably because his bakery is too small for a camera crew.
~ I know where this is going. They’re about to make a Paul Christmas Special.
~ A nice crusty panino with either prosciutto, or salami and cheese. That’s my Christmas lunch appetizer while everything else is cooking.
~ Oh look, they’re picking out cold cuts. I’m good.
~ Becca doesn’t want Arie to question whether or not she’s interested in him. Episode 7.
~ They kiss on rocks and dance while holding wine. Now he has her against a wall. This concludes the first half of their date. They know so much about each other.
~ Back at the hotel motel holiday inn, Jacqueline is crying. She liked her date with Arie but had doubts.
~ If you remember, Arie called her too smart for him and made her feel bad that she’s not dumber.
~ Becca tells Arie he will be the first guy she introduces to her family as her boyfriend. Oh this should go well.
~ “This is my boyfriend. He’s been dating 25 women and kissing most of them over the last two months. Oh and he used to race cars but he wasn’t that great at it. Our couple name is Beccarie. Get it? Like bakery, but Beccarie. It’s going to be the social media hashtag for our wedding and everyone will hate it, but no one will say anything.”
~ Arie gives her a rose and tells her he’s falling for her.
~ “He’s coming to Minnesota!” Alright, Tom Brady went to Minnesota and it didn’t work out that well for him, and he’s the best. Let’s cool our jets, Becca.
~ Tom Brady and Arie have the same haircut.
~ Arie says he had doubts about Becca this morning, but eating a Paul Christmas Special helped him get over those doubts.
~ Note: I’ve never called it a “Paul Christmas Special” until just a few minutes ago when I felt the need to make it sound better than just a sandwich.
~ The next date goes to Lauren B+.
~ Newsflash to everyone else: You’re not even his second option. Leave the hotel and befriend a Nonna who will take care of you.
~ Jacqueline goes to visit Arie.
~ Arie answers the door like it’s Halloween.
~ I think Arie’s drunk. He’s pouring more wine. He’s been drinking since the morning.
~ Jacqueline is worried she’s going to end up married to him and not know how it happened.
~ But Jacqueline, you’re the sober one right now!
~ She breaks up with him. He doesn’t seem crushed at all. They kiss a few times, as all couples do when they break up.
~ Grab your bags, Jacqueline! There’s a Nonna waiting for you down the road with a fresh veal on a bun, with peppers. Andiamo!
~ To clarify, Jacqueline is leaving because she thinks Arie is perfect, and she really likes him, but doesn’t think she can marry him.
~ It’s the next day and Arie meets up with Lauren B+.
~ Last week, they walked around in silence. Let’s see what they do now.
~ They are going to ride bikes around town. I see what he did. If the conversation isn’t there, they can get to their destination faster.
~ Friendly reminder that Lauren B+ was my favourite after night one. Never forget that.
~ Oh, now they’re walking around town with ice cream cones.
~ Now they’re eating pizza! Mangia!
~ Arie would be the first guy Lauren introduces to her family.
~ A kid kicks a soccer ball at their table.
~ Thou shalt not mix soccer with pizza! How dare you!
~ Arie and Lauren are now playing soccer with the kids on pavement, with tables around them. I see no nets.
~ You’re not supposed to play sports five seconds after eating! What is this, camp? Shoutout to Sharon.
~ Seinne gets the final one-on-one date. This is her first of the season.
~ For maximum drama, he’ll probably send Seinne home and then give roses to two of the three girls on the group date.
~ The drama is in him leaving one person behind, rather than two. If he left two of them, they could console each other. But this show is ruthless and leaving one person behind will get them the maximum amount of tears.
~ We’ll see how this plays out, but you’ve been warned.
~ Arie and Lauren A- (I’ve improved her initial) are now at dinner, sitting at everyone’s favourite circular table!
~ Arie wants to get to know her better, but asks her if she’s ready to bring him home.
~ Oh no, she said it. She’s starting to fall in love with him. That made Arie sweat. He leaves the table.
~ Dinner for one! Every dinner is a dinner for one when you’re Italian.
~ Arie returns.
~ He assures her nothing is wrong and that he’s just excited to meet her family.
~ For a guy who, on night one, said that excitement makes him excited, that was a weird way to show his excitement.
~ That sentence gave me a headache.
~ I need my Nonna.
~ Another dinner left untouched. IN ITALY. Go back to Fort Lauderdale.
~ Arie and Lauren A- are now kissing by a really big tree, on empty stomachs!
~ You know the phrase, “Wine and Dine”? On this show it’s, “Wine and Whine.”
~ Boom, roasted.
~ Or, “Wine and More Wine”.
~ Arie and Seinne are now on their date and Arie welcomes her to Tuscany. This has to stop.
~ If you’re in a relationship with someone and go on a trip, are you going to meet them for lunch and say “Welcome to ____!” NO!
~ They are on the hunt for some truffles.
~ Please tell me we’re getting a Nonna on this date.
~ If not a Nonna, I’ll settle for a visual of furniture that is still covered in plastic. Some of you will understand this. The rest of you have no clue what I’m talking about.
~ They meet up with a guy named Giulio, who has two dogs.
~ They’ve been saying”Andiamo” a lot in this episode. That means “Let’s go” in Italian. I know this because my parents have said it to me my whole life, mainly as a joke.
~ Giulio is now digging up truffles in the woods…
~ Well knock me over and call me Truffleupagus, I thought they were going to a bakery.
~ Ah, Giulio invites them over to his house for lunch with his family.
~ THERE IS A NONNA!
~ BUT WHERE IS THE FURNITURE COVERED IN PLASTIC? PLEASE GO TO THEIR BASEMENT!
~ They’re making pasta!
~ I’m having flashbacks to my childhood and using my hands to mix eggs with flour. The developmental years of Chef Paulo.
~ Now they’re making pizza and Arie brags that he used to work at a pizza place.
~ Seinne tells Nonna Helena that they’ve been together for two months.
~ Arie tells the daughters (?) inside that it isn’t love yet with Seinne.
~ Grated cheese! Oh man.
~ Mangia! Mangia!
~ This show really caters to me and my interests.
~ “I can tell she really, really likes me.” – Arie, Age 9
~ Slow your role, Carly Rae Jepsen.
~ Arie is worried that they’re going to fall in love and then be on two different fences.
~ I don’t know much, but I don’t think that’s how love works. This isn’t Home Improvement with Tim Allen.
~ Who got that reference?
~ Seinne says she needed this date to “get there” with him. Lauren A- said the same thing.
~ Wowee, the things people say when hometown dates are next week. It’s almost as if they’re playing a game and know the exact thing to say to get to the next level.
~ Back at Hotel Parmegiano, Bekah is dressed like Rupert Bear!
~ Do you guys know who I’m talking about? Google it. He was in comic strips and a children’s TV show.
~ She’s wearing the same red sweater that Rupert Bear wore.
~ Bekah, Tia, and Kendall are on the final date.
~ Oh no, is he going to leave Bekah behind and allow the producers to create a “Lost child in Italy” vibe?
~ She’s been talking about her odds of getting a rose all episode. Classic editing move. They’re setting up the juxtaposition of her feelings with the reality of the situation. Watch.
~ Hey, I haven’t watched this show since the days of Trista and Ryan (2003), just to not know how the editing works.
~ I’ve been watching this show for 15 years. A moment of silence for me, please.
~ Back to Seinne. Arie is sending her home because he feels like they should be further along.
~ That’s his fault, isn’t it? Episode 7 and she gets her first one-on-one date.
~ Seinne is blindsided, wishes him well, and leaves her food untouched as he walks her to a car.
~ They should just use food props on this show.
~ Back at Hotel Cantina, the other girls are shocked Seinne is gone because everything surprises them.
~ Time for the 3-on-1 date. Two will stay, one will go.
~ “Oh hey there. Ciao, ciao, ciao.” – Arie
~ Is he going to be repeating himself three times for this entire date? He might short-circuit.
~ The women walk up to him slowly. They were more excited to see their hotel room.
~ They are at Villa Royale which is a “perfect place for a date”, says Tia.
~ Why can’t they go somewhere imperfect? No wonder these couples don’t transition well to the real world. Everything is a downgrade.
~ Bekah needs to stop talking about the odds of getting a rose on this date. The editor already has enough footage and we know the odds.
~ YOU GOT NO CHANCE.
~ Boom, roasted.
~ Kendall is worried that her family will question whether they’ll be “at that point” by the time “this” ends.
~ Why do they always feel like it’s a proposal or nothing at the end of this?
~ Tia spends her time by telling Arie that Bekah is on a different page.
~ Page. Books. Follow along, class. School. Magic School Bus.
~ Bam. A Magic School Bus reference, three episodes in a row. #MakeItFour
~ Tia has no doubts. She wants him to grab the mustard, so he can relish his trip to Weiner, Arkansas next week.
~ Tia is now telling
Rupert Bear Bekah that she told Arie that Bekah could break his heart because she might not know how she’s feeling since she’s a child.
~ “I feel like a big sister.” –
Mama Bear Tia
~ Bekah is crying and her mascara (correct me if I’m wrong) is running so it looks like a black tear streaming down her face.
~ Bam, first beauty reference on this blog ever.
~ Bekah is afraid she’ll lose something she can’t replace and doesn’t want to love someone and have it go to waste. She’s stuck in reverrrrse.
~ Let’s see if lights can guide her home.
~ And if you didn’t pick up on those Coldplay references, I will try to fix you.
~ It never ends.
~ Bekah feels like she just got kicked in the stomach.
~ Bekah is wearing the same kind of shoulderless top that Lauren A- wore on her date.
~ Look at that, beauty and fashion observations within 30 seconds.
I might need to rebrand.
~ So now these two are going to spend their time talking about whether Bekah is here for the right reasons or not.
~ What does Arie talk to people about when he first meets them? How does he get to know someone? Because he hasn’t shown off any conversation skills this entire season.
~ Bekah is proving that they’re compatible by showing off her two grey hairs.
~ Well, if this isn’t love…
~ Kendall gets the first rose! Because the battle is between Tia and Bekah and this heightens the drama.
~ Also, as I said last week, Kendall is a direct talker. That’s key on a show like this. Oh, and in life. Yeah.
~ And she collects taxidermy, so you knew they weren’t going to let Arie send her home without accompanying her and filming it.
~ Arie walks Kendall to a car because he likes her so much, that he’d rather spend the evening with two girls he’s unsure about.
~ See, this is why he couldn’t keep Seinne. The drama is in him sending one woman home on a date where there are three of them.
~ It’s the last supper, featuring Tia and Bekah.
~ Topics tonight will include: Age, Wine, and Grey Hairs. Bonus points if all three topics are used in one sentence.
~ “I like your hair, but it doesn’t age like a fine wine.”
~ They are seated for no more than 11.3 seconds and Arie takes Tia away to talk to her.
~ That’s just rude.
~ Now they’re sitting on a bench outside because most conversations on this show happen on a bench.
~ Tia is 26. Bekah is 22. Arie is 37. Tia claims she is more ready for marriage than Bekah.
~ My calculator is getting an error. Something doesn’t add up. And when something doesn’t add up, you must subtract!
~ Kids, that’s not a real math rule. Stick to BEDMAS, listen to your teachers, and look up the answers in the back of your textbook. You’ll have all your homework done in time for the 7PM hockey game.
~ Tia gets the rose! Bekah is going home.
~ Arie never says how he’s feeling on this show. All he does is ask the girls how they are and then kisses them until we go to commercial. So when he sends someone home, it feels so cold and sudden.
~ It’s very Juan Pablo-esque.
~ Oh good, it’s over.
~ We have a Final Four of Becca, Lauren A-, Tia, and Kendall. Tune in next week as February Fever continues.
Get it? Final Four. March Madness. February Fever? Alliteration? I give up.
Next Monday we meet the families and get to hear from the intimidating fathers.
Thanks for reading!