State of the French Fries Address

Full disclosure, this blog post has nothing to do with french fries. Sorry. If you brought ketchup packets to today’s festivities, place them in your back pocket and take a seat.

Did anyone fall for that? Did anyone sit on their ketchup packets? I see some ketchup on the floor. There is red on the floor. Nobody panic. We’ll just tell the next person that walks in that it’s blood. Act scared.

See, right now I’m picturing all of you sitting in front of me. There are about 10 rows of chairs with 10 chairs in each row. Just go with it.

First off, the name of this post is a play on words. “French Fries” is actually “Franchise”. State of the Franchise Address. Sports teams do it.

Still with me?

I’m actually giving a “State of the Blog Address” right now, but I deemed that title to be too boring and too easily understandable. I prefer to complicate things and sway more to the ridiculous side of the scale, whenever I can.

There are some rules to this “address”.

1. At no point shall anyone give me a standing ovation. Just send a cheque in the mail, or an I.O.U. if you can’t afford it. But please, don’t applaud me. We’d be here all day.

2. If you need to excuse yourself, make sure you trip over everyone’s legs in your row on your way out. This is mandatory. We must embarrass you.

3. This room (I’m imagining that we’re in a room and not some open field) is under “Simon Says rules” at all times.

4. If your phone rings, it will be smashed with a hammer and then covered in ketchup.

Do we understand each other? Great! Let’s begin.

All rise.

Ah, I didn’t say Simon Says. All but three of you are out. Okay, we’ll call that a test run.

Simon Says sit down.

No, this is too much power. Fine, we are no longer under Simon Says rules. Breathe easy.

I guess I actually have to start my State of the French Fries Address now. That elaborate ruse was supposed to distract all of you while I try to come up with “smart things” to say.

Hi. I’m Paul. You may know me as, well, Paul.

The Captain’s Speech will be turning 5-years-old in four months. It’s having a birthday party. The same party I had when I turned five. It’ll be in the backyard and feature such party games as: ring toss, hot potato, water balloon toss, bocce, and everyone’s favourite – Simon Says.

And just like my 5th birthday, we’ll have someone film it on VHS. No one will receive a copy. We will not have a screening.

My blog is coming up on a milestone in terms of followers. I hope to get there within the next month. You’ll know when I do because I’ve been planning the post for it in my head for the last two weeks.

As for content on my blog. I have three letters left to write. I think these are the final three. It would bring my total to 40 letters. That’s a nice round number, right? I thought the same thing about 30, but the requests kept coming in.

I don’t know when I’ll finish them, but it could be this week.

I just realized that I hate telling my readers what to look for on my blog in the future. It ruins my element of surprise. Oh well, we’re here now. I’ll just have your memories wiped upon leaving.

After the final letter, there will be a “behind the scenes” post about the letters.

Then I want to get back into doing some fictional posts. Specifically, my Paulo’s Kitchen series with Chef Paulo.

If you don’t know who Chef Paulo is, he’s a chef with his own TV show where he cooks simple items in the most entertaining of ways. He can be a bit cantankerous and likes to take out his frustrations on his camera crew.

What I just explained is all fictional. I write a blog post as if it’s a TV show. You’ll see what I mean. It’s fun. Previous “episodes” of Paulo’s Kitchen are under the Food tab at the top of my blog.

There will also be short stories, maybe. Maybe I’ll create a mystery and drag it out over a few posts, just for fun. There will be no dogs named Scooby. There might be a dog named Ruby though.

That last part about the dogs may or may not be true. It depends if I remember it three months from now. (Unlikely).

I also want to introduce a new idea that I’ve had for over a year, but didn’t want to start as long as I still had my letters to write. I won’t tell you what it is now. I have to decide if I’m 100% sure of it.

Okay fine, you get a little tease.

Actually, no. You don’t. I’m not sold on the entire concept. Just stay tuned.

Beyond that, I have no clue what I’m going to write about, but I’m not worried. I haven’t run out of ideas yet and we’re coming up on five years.

When in doubt, write about writing, right? – The idea all bloggers keep in their back pocket (in addition to ketchup packets).

I really don’t know why I’m fascinated with ketchup packets in back pockets tonight, but c’est la vie.

In conclusion, I shall conclude with a concluding paragraph, the likes of which I haven’t seen since a high school classroom. Again, my name is Paul. You know me as Paul. This is my blog, The Captain’s Speech. Thanks.

I will now open the floor to any questions.

Step up to the microphone, state your name and chocolate bar of choice, and then ask your question.

After the questions, we shall go for an early lunch.

The cafeteria has french fries.

BYOKP